A man needs a maid!

So I haven't been talking about the problems we have been having on the maid front lately. The Russian quit about six or eight weeks ago. She had a new full time job as a waitress so she didn't want to clean houses anymore. She gave us a list of six or seven different people to call but we never got around to it because we were two busy. Also we found a couple of things that she had broke so we figured why would we go with someone she recommended.

So as a result we have been cleaning the house and the wife is trying to kill me. We were off yesterday and all we do is clean. Now I know it sounds crazy but I do all the cooking and laundry at home. The wife has too much to much to do with the business to handle mundane shit like that. Plus she can't cook for shit so I have cooked every day since we got married. Recently I started doing the wash because it easier for me to do it while I am cooking or doing prep work or whatever downstairs why she is upstairs on the computer. When we come home I can get three or four loads done while I am cooking and we can keep it under control.

But yesterday she decided to dust and she almost killed me. She made me move all the furniture on the second floor out so we could vacuum out all the dust. Under the bed. The moldings up to the top of the ten foot ceiling. The bed crown. Everything. I thought I was gonna die.

Today in the store we had a lot of drama. A second employee quit with lots of tears and recriminations and bullshit. It was more important for her to do something stupid than to keep her job. Her job didn't mean that much to her. But it did one great thing. It took all the bad energy out of the store.

What it does mean is more work for Jim. We have to be in the store a lot more now since I only have one employee until I hire somebody new. So we can't waste our time dusting and cleaning. So a man needs a maid.

Not five minutes after the dummy leaves the store than a little Mexican walks in. Speaks no English. So the wife goes "Do you clean houses?" Which is the natural question. I mean if you meet an Oriental you ask "Do you do nails." It goes with the Territory. Well she didn't speak English but we found out that her sister cleans houses and was going to meet her in five minutes. She comes in and we interview her and she starts on Monday.

Good things happen immediately when you get rid of the bad energy.

Imagine how good it would have been if we had gotten rid of the Jug Eared Jesus?

When I get that yacht.....

I am going to sail it up and down the eastern seabord. Then I am going to park it. Find the nearest tavern. Sit down with my book. And relax.

Stop Making Sense....

We spent the last two days doing the talking heads. The interviews they will splice into the show. Stacy London has been doing them with us personally. She comes the day before and we rehearse. Well actually Lee Lee rehearses since she has 99% of the lines. In the two episodes we did I had about three lines in each one. It's ok because the show has turned into "Dress Boss." Which is going to work out fine for us. If you love "What Not to Wear" you will love "Big Brooklyn Style." That is how they are selling it and I think it will be great because that is the show they created.

The one interesting thing is that do kind of respect me even though they don't use me much. In the script they have Lee Lee do a line and then have "Jim responds" or "Jim says something funny." They know I can come up something that they can use. Or something that is really great but they won't use because they are pussies.

But they also do kind of tend to delight in making me look like a stupid neighborhood dick. One line I have to say "Couture...I don't even know what that means." Just so youse guys know....I know what couture means. I just have to play along. I am not really a moron. I just play one on TV.

I am Elmer J Fudd. Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.

 Just sayn'

Bad day!

It was a pretty bad day all around. The weather was dreary and the shooting matched it.

And I feel down the stairs right on to my knees into the garbage bag that someone left on the steps so I could trip on it.

So all I could do while I was there is sing:

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
buy all of the things I never had
uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
for when I’m a billionaire

Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
and adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
and last but not least grant somebody their last wish
its been a couple months since I’ve single so
you can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
and damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
yeah can’t forget about me stupid
everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
for when I’m a billionaire
oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire

I am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire, I own a mansion and a yacht

It has been a couple of weeks filming. You think it would be a lot of fun and exciting and easy but it has been really hard work. And it is not just the work. It is the people we are working with that are completely useless.

Not the actual working guys. The camera guys and the sound guy are great. Casey, Jake, Seth and Eric do a great job. The floor manager is a cool guy but he slides by because nobody calls him on his shit because he is the cool black dude. It is the executives that are the problem.

First they hid a delivery we got from our production house because they wanted to see us panic. Then they left the subject of the episode when they called wrap to settle her bill without her "Handler." She decided she was going to hondle us to get three bras instead of the one they approve. You see we told them that if a girl wears a bra for four hours I can't sell it. So we mutually agreed that the production would pay for it at cost. This girl decided she wanted two more not included in the stipend that the show gave her. Now the wife offered to give her a 20% discount since she was buying them for herself. She calls the producer who was her handler and he goes "Ask her (Lisa) how much is the wholesale price" as though we had to sell more bras at the wholesale price. Beyond the one that she wore but didn't want anymore. That is just not cool.


Then I went outside and the front of my store was a pigstye. There were about twenty cigarette butts a couple of cans of Red Bull, tissuses and shit strewn in front of the store. The store itself is a mess. I find garbage hidden in the corners. They don't let my cleaning lady clean so no dusting is done. They write in the dust and think it is a big joke.

I need to find a better way to handle my disappointment about how some things are being handled. Other then telling youse guys about it. It helps a lot. Thanks for listening.
.

Hot steaming inside poop!!!!!!

Hey I was talking to a TV network type person and they told me they were going into Manhattan to fire someone. It seems a star of a show is so drunk and coked up that they are dropping the show and cutting them loose. But they wouldn't tell me who it was.

Now if I was a conventional wisdom kind of guy I would go with the tattoo guy because you would think that would be who it would be. But I don't think like that.

I bet it is those cupcake bitches. They seem way too wholesome for me. They are like that fuckin' Mitt Romney. I mean he tortures dogs and wears that funny underwear. But he pretends to be so straight. Give me a guy who made a few mistakes in his life and came back from them. Someone who's been there and done that shit and ain't impressed.

 But it was an interesting bit of hot steaming inside TV poop!!!!

Interview with a dude with makeup?

This is the first shot of us for the interviews they are gonna do as talking heads interposed throughout the show. It will be kind of like Modern Family or the Real Housewives. They aren't creative enough to do it without falling back on cliches. So we have to go along with it.

The first interview day was real fucked up. They started Lisa with hair and makeup at 8:30 in the morning. We were supposed to be there at noon for shooting. So we are toodling along and we get a panic call to come in for test shot for LA. So they told us no vertical stripes and that I shouldn't wear yellow. So to fuck with them that's what we did.

So they take the test shot in the store with this new setup. They already had a good setup but they decided to change it. They put up a diffusion screen behind us and all the manniquins behind us. Took the test shot and sent us back home and said they would call us in an hour or so. So I go "That puts us back here at 2 and you are going to call lunch. So we are coming in for half an hour. Why don't we go back after lunch." They agreed that was sensible and that was what we did.

But when we got back they had totally changed back to the original shot. What a waste of time, but we had to do it. We didn't started filming until five. Went on till nine. In makeup all that time. What a pain in the balls.

But Lisa looked great.

I am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire...I own a mansion and a yacht!

So we filmed the blue jeans episode and it was sort of a fiasco. They have been talking about us making jeans and we have been telling them it just wasn't gonna happen. You see the key to jeans is the fabric. Or specifically the wash of the jeans. You see denim looks pretty shitty if you don't have it dyed in a wash that makes it look like a premium jean. There are wash houses that specialize in taking your basic denim and treating it in vats to make the fabric that would sell as a premium jean. Now you can buy a nice denim as piece goods but that will cost about $15 dollars a yard. So if your jeans takes two yards you have a piece that starts at $30 without sewing, thread, zippers and buttons. If the rest cost another $30 you have a $60 piece that you will sell for $120 a pair. Now how do you compete with companies that are offering jeans at $30 retail? The answers is you don't. That's why we are not going to do that.

But the brainiacs on the West Coast came up with that idea. So they sent Lisa and Katy to a yuppie jean company in Williamsburg who claim they are going to make a jean for us. They won't. It is all TV bullshit. But it is part of the unreality of reality TV.

We are having a jeans party this week. A bunch of our customers are bringing two pairs of jeans. One they love and one they hate. Like a focus group. It was kind of a good idea. But we are still not going to make jeans. So we will play it out for the cameras. They are having a problem getting people to come to the party. Big surprise since it is a Monday on the day before Valentines day. Great plan.

At least they are letting me serve fried cauliflower at the party.

I am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire, I have a mansion and a yacht.

I am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire...I own a mansion and a yacht!

We had a very tough day filming yesterday.

It was interview day where they were supposed to interview us about what happened in the prior two shows that are in the can. They had the hair and makeup people for Lisa. It is an HD TV show so you have to be careful because everything shows. I mean when you are moving around in action shots it is not so bad but when the camera is dead on every pimple and pore is as big as an Easter Island Head.

So the hair girl came at 8:30am and the make up at 9:30am. We had to be there at noon so we were taking our time. Of course they call at ten to ask how fast we can get there. I go "You said noon that's when we will be there." Then they said we didn't have to be dressed for camera, just throw on some clothes and come to take a test shot. Great.

You see they switched from filming the interviews in our house to doing it in the store. They lined up the shot and then changed their mind. They set up a screen to block out the background so they could project something on it. That was the new shot. So they send a car for us to go the four blocks and we sit in and they send a copy of the test shot to LA for approval. We are sent home to get ready. Now it is already 12:30 and they tell us they will call for us in a hour. So I say "What time are they calling lunch. 2pm? If we get there at 1:30 are they going to call lunch at 2pm and we are just going to sit around for another hour." They go "Let me check that." Sure enough they tell us to stay home until after lunch.

We get to the store at 3pm and it is a disaster. Racks stuffed everywhere. They took the dressing room curtains down to cover furniture. They just about destroyed the store. You see they don't give a shit. It is not a store to them. It is a set. They put gaffer tape on the rugs and the antique furniture. They shoved thousands of dollars of clothes around like it was shit. They are really fucked up. What could we do? I could yell and scream and get the name of being difficult. Could I tell them the series is off and get the fuck out of my store?

So the wife decided there was only one thing we could do. We had to repeat the same thing over and over;

"I am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht!" That's the plan. I hope it works.