The trouble with Twitter

(Captain James T. Kirk opens up his computer and a mound of inane comments and meaningless tripe falls out and covers the entire room almost to his neck)
James T. Kirk: SPOCK! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
Spock: It appears that your computer has been infected and overrun by twitters.
Dr. Leonard McCoy: What in blue blazes is a twitter!
Spock: It was a primitive form of communication in the early twenty first century normally engaged in by adolescent boys in the basement of their parent’s homes.
James T. Kirk: But how did it multiply so and why are there so many of them in my computer.
Spock: Logically Captain it would flow that stupid mutates and grows in a geometric pattern. One inane supercilious comment breeds another until we are inundated with the moronic musings of undeveloped minds. It was quite a problem at one time.
James T. Kirk: How do we control this mess? Boner.
Dr. Leonard McCoy: That Bones how many times do I have to tell you? Damn it Jim I’m a Doctor not an editor. I don’t know how to stem this tide of babble.
Spock: One would hope that eventually the people indulging in would grow up and want to communicate in full sentences and paragraphs. But it seems that each twitter is born pregnant and will give birth to more insipid twaddle. That’s the trouble with twitter.
James T Kirk: Well I don't know how I going to sovle this but the first thing we are going to do is arrest Patty Duke's father.
Dr. Leonard McCoy: WTF.
(Star Trek, The Trouble with Twitter, Season 2 episode 12)

Tweeting my ass though Tinseltown

Tweety began a series of cartoons and movies that emphasized her sweet innocent nature as she was swept into precarious situations that were only ameliorated by her chaste and simple bird braininess. Warner Brothers wanted to keep her as a virginal and chaste role model for children and she was only cast in the most innocent of cartoons. They even tied down her budding bird breasts so she would not seem so mature and remain an idol of the tweaners a new demographic that they were trying to exploit. Tweety naturally began to rebel against the stifling of her natural yearning for more adult roles. An ill advised photo shoot for Vanity Fair with her father in quasi erotic positions caused a major scandal that almost ended her career. So she had to cover up her romance with that rough neck Top Cat. They couldn’t be seen together in public or her career could be destroyed. People are very judgmental about cartoons. I mean look at Heckle and Jeckel. They lost everything after Heckel beat the crap out of Jeckel before the Grammy’s. The photo’s they had in the New York Post ended their career. Of course no one spoke openly about it. They blamed the fact that it was domestic violence. And of course it didn’t help that they were black birds. People are so quick to judge.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)

Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown

Now sex between the species had always been forbidden in most of the United States. It was still against the law in most Southern States. It was still frowned upon in Tinsel Town but like Hollywood they were much more liberal. Or least they said they were. So when a dog lay down with a cat it was sort of tolerated. The first big scandal was of course at the beginning of the 20th Century when Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse had an affair. They stayed clandestine for a long time while their show was popular but when the truth came out they had to move to Cuba and live in exile with other people in the same boat. They eventually broke up but not because they were of different species. It was more a sexual problem. You see he was indeed a “minute” mouse.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)

Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown

Top Cat was one smooth and sexy dude. I mean he was the leader of a gang of cats from Do or Die Bed Stuy and he never went anywhere without his posse. He was a pioneer in the precursor to rap in the spoken word musical area as he was a cat that did some jazzy scat. Tweety was enraptured by his tough guy appeal. His scars from when he was shot. He had nine lives so he had been in some tough scrapes before. So he seemed very sexy to the young and innocent sweet little chickadee. She first met him when he did a scat interlude in her first big hit “Baby Tweet me one more time.” She couldn’t keep her feathers closed around him.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)

Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown

When Tweety Bird first burst on the scene, she caused a sensation in Cartoon Town. The Avian community was enchanted by her sweet and wholesome sex appeal. Many of Cartoon towns Lothario’s rushed to hit on her. Senator Foghorn Leghorn offered her a job as intern with the Foreign Relations committee in the hope of some more personal relations. Tommy the Toucan kept sending her boxes of cereal and telling her he would eat pecans out of her shit, he loved her so much. Daffy Duck stuttered even more than usual when he tried to ask her out. But she spurned all of them as she wanted to stay chaste until she married. Her father Billy Ray had been a one hit wonder and was watching out for her and keeping these pigs at bay. But then one day, she met Top Cat. And all bets were off.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)