Laura Bush's Diary

So anyway the twins I had just gotten home from bowling and I heard W laughing his ass off in the TV room so I had to go see what was going on. He was watching the All Star game and he was on the phone with his dad and Cheney and they were all laughing and joking. Beside the fact that they were American League fans they were busy making fun of poor Barry and how he threw out the first pitch.

Now W was proud of all the times he did it especially the time right after 9-11 when everyone was all shook up. He hummed it right in there. But baseball was always his sport. I think he would have been a lot happier if he had never sold the Rangers and started all the political bullshit. And he knew that I was a big fan. That may have been why he sold out. He can get a little jealous sometimes.

You see I have always followed the game. Now although the twins and I are big Ranger fans nowadays my first love was always the California Angel’s. You see right after college I went to New York and I tried to break into the fashion world. To make a couple of extra bucks I spent some time at the Peeps at Show World on Eight Avenue and that’s where I made friends with Robin Byrd like I might have mentioned once or twice. Now Robin loved baseball. There was nothing she liked better than a big bat in her hands. Well maybe one between her legs but that’s another story.

Anyway Robin was always meeting these guys and getting me to go on road trips. I mean we went to Atlantic City and Vegas and Miami a couple of times. But one time she said she had two tickets to California and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I said sure I had never been to LA why not. But it turned out we weren’t going to LA. We were going to fuckin’ Anaheim.

It seemed that Robin had hooked up with this guy Nolan Ryan who was some big deal with the Mets and he had just gotten traded out there. He was a Texas boy and really cute so I figured why not go out there and maybe I could meet someone. I mean I was single so why not.

So we are out there and we go to the stadium and it turns out that Nolan wants nothing to do with Robin and she was pretty pissed. I mean we are at the game and she is fuming. But she notices this cute Spanish guy Rico Carty. And he had this big bulge in his uniform. You see every where he went he carried his wallet because he was afraid of getting robbed. So he had this huge wallet with all his money stuffed in the back of his uniform pants. Lucky for him he had another huge bulge in the front of his pants so he kind of evened out.

Robin strikes up a conversation and we make plans to meet up with him later. He picks up in a limo after the game and tells us we are going to a teammate’s house. We drive up to this giant mansion and who comes out but Bo Belinsky the pitcher. Now he was famous as a playboy and sure enough his main squeeze Mamie Van Doren was there too. We get a few drinks and Robin disappears with Rico and I am left with Bo and Mamie. Bo was way ahead of his time. He had his mansion all fixed up with games and TV’s and hot tubs and everything. He had gotten the guys at Disneyland to build an actual ride in his backyard. He was Michael Jackson before there was a Michael Jackson. Now the ride was an actual hot tub in the shape of a tea cup. We all got naked and got in the cup. Me, Bo and Mamie and the ride started. We go inside the tunnel and what do you see? There are all of these animatronic puppets from all over the world. Every culture. Every race. And they were all doing it! That’s right it was a sex ride.

Well now seeing that would get anybody riled up. I tried to be good and only make out with Mamie and play with her titties but seeing the naked Eskimos sticking stuff in the igloo and a man with a sombrero give a midget senorita a dirty Sanchez just got me all riled up. So I slid over to Bo and reached over and that’s when I found out ….it’s a small world after all.

It kind of killed the mood.

Anyway that’s all long water under the bridge so to speak. I went in to the room to talk to W and asked why he is laughing so hard. He said “Did you see Obama throw the first pitch. He looked like a girl. Hee, hee.”

I said “W you had to know that he can’t pitch. Remember those photos from Cheney’s files with Stedman, Reggie Theus and the cast of the Lion King. Barry O is a catcher not a pitcher.”

And we have the photo’s to prove it.

Who is the coolest.

This poll is to determine who is the coolest motorcycle people in the world. Your choices:

Steve McQueen in the Great Escape

Marlon Brando in the Wild One.

Then Came Bronson.

Clay (Ron Perelman) in Sons of Anarchy

Mr. & Mrs. Michael H in North to Alaska.

I am betting on Michael Hasenstab and the Mrs. because they are the coolest.

Check out their journey.

I don't get it, youse guys love the Mayo?

Well the condiment poll is over and it is a big upset. The Midwest must have been over sampled because Mayonnaise was the big winner. What the heck is that all about.
The final results"

Mayonnaise 29
Mustard 20
Worcestershire sauce 22
Ketchup 13
Horseradish sauce 5

I can't believe that Ketchup got beat so badly. Man that is a surprise.

Next up, who are the coolest motorcycle people?

Watch out when someone invites you out for lunch

Especially if it is a crazy lady.

Just sayn'

No clothes for you!

So the last couple of days we have been going to Manhattan to vendors to try to order dresses for fall. And in several places we find that they are not cutting plus at all. Or they are cutting four dresses and that's it, festa fiunute.

The first place we went to has some great dresses at a reasonable price with rich fabrics. They are only making 4 dresses in plus and although the fabrics are nice they are all kinda drab. Not really colorful. They are ponte fabric which is a rich fabric but the colors are sort of muted, grey, black that kind of thing. Now the Missy (smaller 0-12) has some great dresses in purples and berries and green and all kinds of rich lush fabrics. We get a few but our philosophy is to get dresses for our whole range of 10-28 and it is really impossible.

You see all the big department stores are not ordering woman's sizes and the companies are just not cutting them at all. So you can't get anything but old lady stuff unless you make it yourself. Which we are doing but boy it is a lot of work.

Our exclusive line from Olivia Harper that my wife designs is selling like hot cakes because it is the only stuff that has rich fabrics and the right fit. Almost every piece that What Not to Wear picked was an exclusive that my wife designed. So we are in the process of putting together a fall line that will be right on the money. The only problem is we are cutting small amounts so some people might get shut out. But if you snooze you lose.

If you wait around, no clothes for you.

Remembrance of things Pabst,

So we really have been working our ass off the last few days and I haven’t been posting very much. We had a slow day Saturday which is scary because that is our big revenue day. But when that happens we always have a very busy Sunday. It’s just the way it is and sure enough we were swamped.

So we close promptly at seven and as we are walking home the wife says “Let’s go and eat outside at one of the garden restaurants. I fell like sitting outside and enjoying the night.” Which is fine but we just have to pick the joint. We want to bring all our stuff home first so we don’t want to go on Smith St. which is in the wrong direction. So we decide to go to Luna Rosa this restaurant all the way at the end of Court St near Hamilton Avenue which is basically right under an off ramp for the Gowanus Expressway.

I might have mentioned that the last time we went there it was with my friends Tony and Ginger and we went crazy. We had quite a few bottles of wine, around ten or so if I estimated correctly. So we had a big check which Tony picked up so it was even sweeter.
Free booze always tastes better don’t ya think. Now the guy who waited on us wasn’t there this time. He introduced himself as a co-owner and I guess he takes off Sunday nights. That was unfortunate.

You see we go to the garden and the girl who seats us is Russian with a very rudimentary grasp of the English language. And it is her first day. So I try to order the wine. Finally I have to resort to pointing at the menu and saying “This one..Santa Cristina…-.Sangiovese…a bottle…no a bottle not a glass…yes that’s right…da..da...da..” There were more fucking da, da, da’s than in a Duran Duran song. So she finally nods and takes my menu away with her finger pointing at the bottle I ordered. Of course now I don’t have a menu but what are you going to do. Guess what? They don’t have that wine. Figures.

Now this young Irish kid comes over with another bottle of Chianti that he up-sells me with. The wife mentions to me that it is more expensive that the one we ordered but it was only a couple of dollars more so we didn’t care. Now the young kid was the bus boy/runner the last time he was there and now he is the only guy who knows what is going on. You see all the waiters have recently quit. I guess that they didn’t make enough tips all the way at the end of Court St. He stayed on and went from busser to head waiter. At sixteen that’s a big promotion.

Anyway he takes our appetizer order and that is the only thing that comes out right. This other Italian dude is also waiting the back garden and he took our main course order. Now I order the vegetable risotto and when the food comes it is the seafood risotto which is unfortunate because the wife is allergic and I don’t really care for it at all. I contemplate keeping it and choking it down but the wife says I should send it back which I did but which is something I never do but I didn’t want to get sick.

Now the guy is very apologetic because he actually wrote down vegetable risotto and he brings it back. What was funny is the Irish kid rushes back with the seafood risotto and puts it in front of me. I tell him “Dude I know what you did. You knew that I was supposed to get risotto and thought they forgot to bring it but it was a mistake.” He was very apologetic but it was no big deal because he was trying to do a good thing. I told it was OK because he went to Bishop Ford and that meant he was obviously retarded and not to sweat it. You see he had been waiting on this table of gay guys next to us and they had been sexually harassing him through the whole meal and he subtlety let them know he was still in high school and to back off. It was pretty funny actually. The kid was smart which will happen when you work in a restaurant. You meet a lot of assholes and you learn how to deal with them.

Anyway the risotto comes about an hour later and we have desert and what not and call for the check. It was kind of a crummy experience but that always happens when you have a great meal at a joint. The next couple of times it is never as good. But then we get another surprise.

They took the wine, the Pellegrino water, the desert and the risotto off the check. I thought they had to make a mistake and called the waiter over and he said no it was on them because of the long wait and all the mistakes. That was really, really nice of them. I mean if they just comped my risotto that would have been more than enough. They insisted on the comps so I left an even bigger tip than usual.

So we will be coming back to them soon. I mean anybody can make a mistake. Well a whole bunch of mistakes. But when you make it right you have no cause for complaint and should do what you can to encourage that behavior. So we will be back in a couple of weeks.

Maybe the Russian will have learned some English by then.

Nichelle Nichols

She ain't gonna part with her home made fudge.

But you might get some of that jelly role.

(check out the Vulcan nipple pinch)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport. I am flying out to Vegas for the summer camp. I gots to get some game if I want to be on the team this year. They might cut my ass.
Dave the limo driver: Well you look like you have dropped some weight.
Eddie Curry: You checking me out Davie? Thanks I be feeling fine. I am down to about 325lbs and I ain’t weighed that since I was in the third grade. Course I was in the third grade for seven years but you know what I mean.
Dave the limo driver: I’m sorry Eddie I was just joking around. So you ready to play.
Eddie Curry: I got’s to play man. I only got two years left on my deal and I already spent it all. They gonna take my house away man, they be forclosing on me.
Dave the limo driver: What but you make millions man. Where did it all go?
Eddie Curry: Well I got a couple of baby momma’s that ain’t dead yet and more kids than Michael Jackson’s telephone book. Plus cheese doodles and Mountain Dew got real expensive. Another reason to lose some weight. Rice cakes are cheap. I mean who the fuck wants fuckin’ rice cakes.
Dave the limo driver: Damn Eddie that’s tough. But you been paying me with no problem. Do I have to start looking for a new job.
Eddie Curry: Oh no Davie. In fact I got your new job right here. Pull over and you can get to work. Touch it Davie like you mean it bitch. It be reflected in your gratuity bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain

(Family quarters, upstairs at the White House)
Michelle Obama: (walking in back from trip to Europe) Mama I‘m home!
Marian Robinson (Michelle’s mom) Thank God you are home. Your Auntie Madea is on the warpath. You best get that skinny ass half a cracker husband of yours up here
Michelle Obama: Now Mama don’t start that up again, what’s the problem this time. I am very tied. The trip was exhausting and the press was in a frenzy.
Marian Robinson: Well of course they were with that lame ass husband of yours checking out some puertorican girls ass. Get that fool down here right now I want to straighten out his pale ass.
Michelle Obama (picks up phone) Hi, can you ask the President to come upstairs. Thank you.
President Barrack Obama: (Comes rushing in) Is every thing OK? Are the girls all right?
Michelle Obama: My mother wants to talk to you.
President Barrack Obama (mutters under his breath) Oh shit. What now!
Marian Robinson: What did you say you skinny assed fool?President Barrack Obama: Nothing Mother. You do know that I am President of the United States. You might show me just a little respect.
Marian Robinson: You better watch your ass you bean pole looking bean pie eating Nation of Islam booty burglar. What for you checking out that child’s ass?
President Barrack Obama: Now mother please, it was a controversy ignited by an insane blogger lady with too much time on her hands. She needs to worry about her own tofoutty ass.
Marian Robinson: Madea come on out here!
Madea: (comes into the room) There he is that fool boy. What are doing checkin’ out some young Puerto Rican girls ass? What’s the matter with you? And you Michelle letting him get away with that nonsense. I thought we raised you better than that. And your daughter dressing like that. I am moritified.
President Barack Obama: What’s wrong with the way she was dressed?
Madea: Don’t give that nonsense. You put her in that hippie shirt and frizzed out her hair like she was Angela Davis or some shit. What are you trying to turn her into a hippie slut like your mama. Next thing you know she be not shaving her pits and legs and spreading them for some smelly African exchange student.
President Barack Obama: I don’t have to take this from you Madea, I am the President (he feels out of the room).
Madea: Where you going you pansy ass fool? Marian get my gat. I got’s to make this right.

Gunsmoke #3

"I ain't got the power. I think she's gonna blow!"

"I ain't got the porno guy mustache!"

"WTF"

Gunsmoke#2

Damnit Matt, I am a gunslinger not a doctor.

Wait a minute. I'm fuckin Wolerine!

Gunsmoke It's not logical!

It is just not logical marshal.

Heap big trouble.

Hey no fair.

"You said if I moved in with you that you would touch my bird."

"But, I mean...I don't know about that."

"Well you better get crackin or I will just call up RH Hardin."

Man it's been a tough day.

I have been working hard selling dresses all day.

It's like I was on the chain gang.

I need a little change.

Hello, my name is Jeremy.

Hello, my name is Jeremy.....is this the blogger meat up....heh,heh...you must be reader_iam...nice to meet you.

What's a Mara with you?

What you never saw a dress that fits properly?

The return of the monkey!

"Doctor, what is your strange obsession with this monkey?"
"Don't you anything, this Molly Picon's monkey. They live along time. He is ninety six years old"
"My goodness, it looks like he has an erection."
"Why of course he does, the stories this ape could tell."
"Well are we going to conduct tests."
"No I am afraid we cannot. We can only test it's health, but it seems it was willed to a young professor in Wisconsin."

Laura Bush's Diary

So the twins and I went to the Rangers game last night. It was a fun night even though they lost since we had a few tequila’s and Jenna spent some time in the hot tub with a few of the boys. Barb was too shy but I am going to break her of that habit if she ever wants to get married. I mean they don’t bite. Well they might sting a little when you pee but they have pills for that.

Anyhoo when I got back W was laughing and hooting and hollering on the phone with Cheney. It seems they were talking about that picture that got all the blogger’s hot and bothered about Barry O checking out some kid’s ass at the summit meeting. I mean I never heard a bigger bunch of bullshit in all my life. W was reading some half ass blogger’s analysis of it and W and Ol’Dick were laughing up their sleeves.

You see we had access to the CIA photo files and Cheney had inherited J Edgar Hoovers old archive from Lee Atwater and we knew that it was all a big bunch of bullshit. You see what most of America doesn’t know is that Obama doesn’t wear the pants in the family. In fact he is really just passin’. Not as a white man. But as a man.

You see he is one of those weird people with both types of genitalia. He self identifies as a woman but had to portray himself as a man so he could get through life because he was basically a chick with a dick. And you couldn’t be that growing up as a Moslem in Indonesia. He puts on a good show but he really has a soft and feminine side. He doesn’t let it show. But his soft and passive manner is a bit of tip off.

He really is a lady.

Michelle is the one with the balls in the family. Notice how she didn’t care about the photo. She knew the truth.

He was just saying yes to the dress.

That's all folks!!!!!!!!!

You can't eat it without ketchup. Get with the program you mustard heads.

No wonder Mayo is losing.

It's what you ladies need, if you go in for the Oscar Gamble.

When worlds collide.

Charlie Evans: You know about being with somebody? Wanting to be.... If I had the whole universe... ...I'd give it to you. When I see you, I... I feel like I'm hungry... all over. Hungry. Do you know how that feels?
James T. Kirk: You go slow. You, uh... You be gentle. I mean, it's... it's not a one-way street, you know-- how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels, too. Don't press, Charlie. If the girl feels... anything for you at all, you'll know it.
Princess Leia: Kiss me you pussy.

What Not to Wear Loves Olivia Harper

What Not to Wear picked out several pieces from Olivia Harper including the green leaf Milly pictured above. This is one of our basic bodies which we know fit's like a glove. The subject Theresa wore this as she talked on camera with Stacy and Clinton so the dress will get a lot of air time. The pity of it is that I am almost sold out of it already. You see the dresses that are great sell out without any pimping and we can't get anymore of the fabric. The next step is for us to make and design our own textiles but that is a big step and we are a long away from that.

What not to wear liked our jewelry.

What Not to Wear picked out several pieces of our jewelry. This earnings were one of the items they picked. We are doing really well with our accesories and have a great new line of handbags that just came in. The company sent us a big ring of leather swatches so you can pick out the type or color of leather you want the bag to be and they custom make it for you in four weeks. We are selling out on them. Good stuff.

Problems of an ex-saloonkeeper.

So we went to the new wine and cheese place Calpurina last night. Now the wife and I have been involved in the bar and restaurant business for a long time before we opened the clothing store. So we know a lot about it and it is hard to watch people you like making the same mistakes that you had seen other people make the same errors.

Now the last time I talked about this joint I told you about the little southern gay guy who became the first regular in this joint. The owners and the workers don't really know how to deal with him because they have no experience in dealing in the bar business. This guy is obviously very lonely so he comes into the joint five or six nights a week for some wine and some food and engages whoever sits at the bar in conversation. Sometimes it is fine and sometimes there is a problem. So what happens last night is the guy has a bottle of wine and he is half in the bag already. So he can't finish his wine. Now a couple come in while he is settling his check and goes to them "Hey you guys you can finish my wine." A big no-no. You want your customers to buy stuff you don't want them to drink stuff you already sold. Now the bar handled it wrong. You need to nip that in the bud. What I told them to do is to approach the guy the next time he comes in before he starts drinking. I would tell him he can't do that anymore. If he can't finish his bottle you can put his name on it and cork it and hold it for the next time he comes in which will basically be tomorrow. At no time can he give away booze. He can buy somebody a drink but not give it away.

Dealing with regulars is the hardest thing in the world.

Problems of a shopkeeper

I write about problems of a shopkeeper on a Saturday morning because that is when I am in the front of the store waiting on customers since I give the wife a break on a Saturday morning. It doesn't really start hopping till after one but we do have business before then.

Today I had two Russian women come in and I had to say I was suspicious. You see we get a lot of other stores and designers who shop us. They come to see the labels and the designs and to see what they can steal. They might call up the designer to buy the same dresses for their store or simply knock off a design that they might happen to like. Now when I know they are doing this I have a simple solution. I throw their ass out of the store. We did this with a big mouth designer that we are having a feud with now. She never loses an opportunity to bad mouth us which is OK because her clothes are crap. When you have the clothes you don't have to worry about petty shit like that.

Now my daughter is wearing the green marble Lulu that has been a big seller for us. The wife designed it in collaboration with Olivia Harper and the fit is on the money. We put it in several rich fabrics and it has been selling well. We even got an online order form Malta! Holy Maltese Falcon Batman.

To get back to the Russians, I wasn't sure what the deal was. It looked like it was legitimate because they picked only one size although it is the size you use for a fit model. They didn't buy anything but that is not unusual either. So I don't know what was up. There are several communities that live in their own little world. The Orthodox Jews, the Russians, the Indians. They all have stores that sell plus but solely to their community. They are not part of the larger industry in any real way so they could rip off a dress and we would be none the wiser. They can't get the same fabric so I am confident that they will dumb it down and make it cheaper in both price and quality. So I am not really sweating it. I just like to know who I am dealing with when someone is in the store.

Problesm of a shopkeeper-Shitty situation edition.

So we had a very busy day yesterday. That always happens when it is the two of working because she is busy fitting people in clothes and I am running around doing everything else. Ringing people up, getting sizes from the back, keeping the husbands amused so they don't want to split before the wife buys something.

Anyway yesterday a neighborhood girl who is a customer who we haven't seen in a while comes in to shop with her sister and her sister-in-law. Now the sister-in-law had her eight week old infant with her in the carriage. I am always worried when there are kids in the store because we are definitely not child proof. We have lots of sharp edges and glass and delicate stuff all over the place that a rambunctious toddler would love to break. But an infant like that wouldn't be a problem right? Not so much.

While our customer is trying on clothes the sister-in-law sees that the kid had just taken a shit and she asked if you could change the diaper. So the wife says sure I guess. I mean what are you gonna do, what the fuck they literally live across the street but I guess she wanted to take care of it right away. So she whips out the changing pad and puts it on the floor to change the little bastard. Now you think she would just change her in the carriage which was a big monstrous SUV of carriages and not the Sacajawea strap that the hipster doufous use to carry their devil spawn like they were a sack of potatoes. I mean there was plenty of room to do it in the carriage but she decides to put the kid on a changing pad on the floor.

As she is changing the kid it lets out a stream of flying diarrhea. Shit was flying all over the place. It was like a comments section at the blogger lady's place. It gets on the floor, the wall and the dress on the mannequin that was right near where she was changing the raging ball of crap. She tries to clean it up with a wipe to get by if no one had seen it happen. But one of the other customers told the wife and well she was about to lose her shit don't you know. I mean she should have changed the kid in the carriage but I guess she didn't want to get it dirty but my wall, floor, ceiling, fixtures and clothing were perfectly acceptable collateral damage. The wife grabbed the dress off the manikin and brought it to me in the back to ask what we should do about it. While she was doing it the sister-in-law makes her escape out the door without a qualm.

I say what I always say. Tell the truth. Let's talk to our real customer who is blithely trying on clothes all the while oblivious to all this drama. And because she is a typical customer she did the right thing.

She says "Well of course I am going to pay for it. Don't worry my fucking idiot brother is going to pay for it." So that was fine as far as it goes. But there was a catch. We thought about offering this girl a job because she is plus with a great personality and I think she could develop into a great saleswoman. But after this it is a no go. You see her family would be showing up everyday and disaster will follow in it's wake. I mean what am I going to do? Say your family can't visit you in the store ever? I don't want her retarded boyfriend dropping off his hockey gear when he is playing in the park across the street. Dude you are thirty fuckin' years old it's time to stop playing street hockey in Carroll Park and get a fuckin job.

It's just not a workable solution in a neighborhood store. So she lost out on a potentially good opportunity because of a shit spewing niece.

Hey where is everybody?

Hey where are all the commenters today? I mean it's Friday night and you lonely shut in's are not on the Internet? What's up with that?

Pogo is right!

Medicine will not be pretty once Obama has the government take it over. Socialized medicine in the future will make everyone wait forever for necessary procedures.

And elective surgery? Forgetaboutit!!!!

All you fans of fake titties pay attention. We are having a "Save our Silicon" party in front of Scores tonight at midnight. Bring dollar bills. Thank you.

Even Jeremy loves ketchup!

He can't get enough.

It reminds him of his mother's menstrual blood that he loved so much.

Don't ask for the rest of the story. It it too grim.

Put some mustard on that!

Hey mustard is way out "ahead" so to speak. Some people put mustard on everything.

Keep voting for your favorite condiment.

Yes two lips on my flute yourng lady!

Flute instructors throughout the ages were strange and twisted people.

At least that's the rumor.

I hear some of them are even Red Sox Fans!

What would Sir Archy say?

Pimping out Theo!

Sure and the bloggers are the last to know. Ace commenter Theo Boehm has his own blog called "A Quiet Evening" which has to be bullshit because there is some crappy opera screeching on the victrola and somebody is always playing the flute.

But check it out for his superb writing and wry insights into the human condition.

You can scroll past the opera crap.

Worcestershire Sauce (acoustic, live) - Danse Macabre

English people are fuckin weird.

Mayonnaise -

Nothing is sceiver than mayonnaise from the subway.

Damn holmes what's up with that?

Laura Bush's Diary

Well it has been a tough couple of weeks let me tell you. No sooner did we get home to Crawford after visiting Poppy and the Pop-eyed twat did we have to turn around and go back. Poppy was really worried because old Barb was devastated. You see one of her bestest friends and most favorite people in all the world had died. Yes Michael Jackson was Barbara Bush’s BFF.

Now I know it is hard to believe but they had a long and complicated relationship. You see Barb had taken some of her grandkids to see Michael when he was touring for the “Off the Wall” album and wrangled back stage passes. And somehow they hit it off like gangbusters. So much so that when Poppy was elected Vice-President, the King of Pop was one of the first overnight visitor’s at the Naval Observatory which is the official residence of the Vice President. They were as thick as thieves along with their great good friend Elizabeth Taylor. They would sit in the sun room playing canasta and bridge with whatever poor soul they could dragoon into hanging with them. And that wasn’t the only games they played.

You see old Barb introduced Michael to her strange obsession with midget wrestlers. They were always underfoot so to speak. A bunch of muscular half naked midgets in Speedos running around the grounds diving in and out of the pools and oiling each other up before they started wrestling. It’s no wonder poor Michael got so confused. You see he really admired Liz Taylor and old Barb. I think in his heart of hearts he really wanted to be a matronly white woman who loved to mess around with oiled up midgets. He began to take on more and more of their mannerism and their lifestyle began to affect his performances. Since he was around so much he saw more than what was good for him. In fact one gin soaked Halloween he happened to open the wrong door and encounter Liz and Barb naked with a brace of midget Mexican wrestlers. It was the direct inspiration for his Thriller video.

You see Michael was a very lonely and strange boy and I am afraid that those two raddled old harridans had a bad influence on him. Liz Taylor was the gold standard for jaded Hollywood perversion and Barb is as you know a piece of work. So more and more Michael tried to emulate the two aging party girls. He bleached his skin to get more and more white. He became frail and sickly like his two bestest friends. And he started hanging around with young kids because midgets scared him. That’s when Barb had to cut him off. She didn’t approve of anything like and that and who could blame her.

This really devastated Michael. He missed all those naked canasta games and the wild Jell-O wrestling matches between Sky Low Low and the Haiti Kid. He kept calling Barb but she just shut him out. I think she feels guilty now. She could have helped him. But she turned her back on him because he got too weird and there was no turning back. She has been crying ever since we got the news. The only solace she has is that Michael finally looked just like her when he died.

I don’t know how we are going to cheer her up. I think I will need a little bit of luck. I will give Spitzer a call. I bet he has his number.

Problems of a shopkeeper.

So I have this woman who is a pretty good customer but a bit of a problem. She is a returner. She buys stuff from us but she will buy three things and return one. And she is always telling stories about how she buys something from lets say Bloomingdale's and returns it months later for credit at the full price to buy it on sale.

Now we have a strict return policy. Seven days with tags attached for store credit. It is the same thing that every other boutique in downtown Brooklyn does. So she calls while we are away and wants to speak to my wife. She wants to return a dress she bought in early May. Two months ago. Now she claims she didn't wear it. OK I guess that is possible. But in the interim we sold every other dress like that in the store. It was a special spring fabric that we can't get anymore of so if we take it back we will have only one of this dress. Now you never want to have only one of a dress. It is always a problem because all of the people who don't fit into it want it. I mean they could have passed it by dozens of times when I had a full size run but now that there are no more left they will want it.

So I feel we have to refuse to take it back. She has been a good customer but she has gotten great clothes from us. And we have worked with her to put together outfits all the time. If it was a staple piece that I have a lot of I might consider it but not as a one off. I already did it for her once before and I don't want to do it again because she will tell other customers what we did and soon they will all want to return stuff they bought in July in December. I mean seriously.

So we will have to see how this turns out.

Update: The wife chickened out and took the dress back. I offered to be the bad guy. That's my job. But she wanted to let it slide. Problems of a shopkeeper.

Well they just finished filming.

They just finished filming the last episode of "What Not To Wear" in the store just a few minutes ago. They only did 13 episodes and are going on a six week hiatus in the heat of the summer. So they managed to squeeze us in and I am very grateful.

It was an eventful shoot as the subject was a fourteen who was small on the top with a small waist but a bigger bottom. They couldn't find clothes anywhere and were very happy with what they found at Lee Lee's. Especially our accessories that we really stepped up from last year.

They purchased a pair of trouser jeans and a great dress from one of our new vendors. As well as several pieces that are staples at the store.

Oh and for "What Not to Wear Fans" like Knox and Dust Bunny Queen, you be glad to know that Nick the hairstylist guy is no longer with the show. They have a new hair person whose name is Ariel and the change over will be evident in a few weeks on air.
Some gossip for youse guys.

And the prosciutto, mozzeralla, tomato and basil sandwiches were a big hit along with every one's favorite cannoli's.

Rare footage of Hoosier Daddy's frist date!

And the funny thing is he still has the same haircut.

Hey put some mustard on that!

Wait a minute.

Why didn't they use a Farah Fawcett poster.

The French suck.

And who is his big brother. Jeremy?

Seattle

Hey did you know that Jason (the Commenter) had a poster of Bobby Sherman on his wall when he was a kid.

Wait a minute, he's too young for that. It must have been someone else. Sorry.

Hey lets enter the spin zone.

ricpic said...
Molly Picon was 4' 10" of hot stuff.

Peter V. Bella said...
Hey Ripic, she was a spinner!!!!

Now that is a great idea for a poll. Who is your favorite spinner? I will be taking your recommendations.

So far we have Molly Picon, Clara Bow, Joey Heatherton, Sandy Duncan, and Joan Blondell.

(Not safe for work dudes)

Where is my monkey?

What? You think flowers are enough Shmuel.Don't be a smuck. Where the hell is my monkey?

I Quit!

One of the more astounding resignations in American History was that of Vice President John C. Calhoun during the administration of Andrew Jackson. Most historians postulate that it was due to the “Nullification” Crisis in which Calhoun’s home state of South Carolina wanted passed the Ordinance of Nullification which attempted to abrogate the Tariff of 1828. They state that Calhoun resigned so he could run for the Senate and so would be able to defend nullification. But that was not what really happened.

President Andrew Jackson’s cabinet had long been rife with divisions and rivalries. Calhoun’s wife Floride caused a great deal of problems for husband because of her actions in the Eaton Affair where she led the ladies of Washington in snubbing Peggy Eaton the new wife of the Secretary of War. This caused a permanent rift with President Jackson who remembered the execrable treatment of his beloved wife Rachel by the same prudish and judgmental members of high society. Strangely enough it also led to a rift between Calhoun and his wife since he did not countenance anything that interfered with his pursuit of power.

So the Vice President began a clandestine affair with a then young New York Journalist named Barbara Walters. Miss Walters was a pioneer in many fields. In journalism she was the first women to get a weekly column in the New York Post. She also initiated the practice of deep throating a penis to the point that her prehensile tonsils could grip the tip and milk the engorged secessionist as if she was a dairy maid squeezing Bossy’s teat. She took it in so far and so fast that she permanently damaged her vocal cords and forever after spoke with a lisp.

Calhoun was enraptured and threw caution to the winds. But their affair was doomed from the start. You see he was not aware that Miss Walters was a Jewess and that knowledge forced the racist Calhoun to end the affair. He was devastated and had to get out of Washington to recover his wits at his plantation where he could abuse slave girls at his leisure and drink mint juleps while plotting treason. Miss Walters returned to New York to continue her long career in both journalism and fellatio.
(I Quit, the History of Resignations in American History by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pocket Books 2007)

Hooiser Daddy says he never uses condiments? So what do you put on your wiener?

Hey what's you favorite condiment? Now we are talking categories and not specific brands. You can put it on your wiener or your fish taco. Just which do you love the most?

Your choices:

Ketchup

Mustard

Mayonnaise

Worcestershire sauce

Horseradish sauce

What do you like to slap on your meat?

Everybody wants to add Pepper.

So we know who you want to slap on the cuffs. Our police babe poll ended up as follows:

Pepper Anderson 26
Christine Cagney 3
Christie Love 3
Lucy Bates 1
Faith Yokas 1

But I don't think you could go wrong polling any of these babes.

Next up, your favorite condiment Poll.

I Quit.

The most unfortunate resignation in American History was that of Attorney General Elliott Richardson during the Nixon administration. It was in the midst of the tumultuous Watergate investigation and resulted from President Nixon’s unfortunate habit of imbibing a few cocktails and then calling up cabinet ministers to implement new policies. In some instances it had a salutary effect as in the instance when he was drunk and wanted some Chinese food. Nixon hated that they always mixed up his order so he decided he would have his lawyer call and threaten them and thinking of lawyer he thought of Jew and so he called National Security Advisor Kissinger and demanded that he get over to the Chinks and get it all straightened out. Thus détente was the direct product of a yen for chop suey.

The case of Attorney General Richardson had a much less salubrious result. The investigation that was being pressed by Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox was beginning to get close to the White House and the beleaguered President wanted to end it. After most of a quart of Jack Daniels he dialed up the Attorney General and demanded that he fire Cox. Unfortunately he was slurring and what Attorney General Richardson heard was
“No more Cox, get rid of Cox, no more Cox in the Justice Department.” The hearing impaired Richardson heard that as “No more cocks.” That could not stand since Elliott Richardson was a card carrying Massachusetts liberal weenie, he would be lost without cock. The clinical term for this malady is the “Tucker Carlson Syndrome.” So the Attorney General resigned rather than give up cock.

On such misunderstandings does history turn.
(I Quit, the History of Resignations in American History by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pocket Books 2007)

I Quit.

One of the most famous resignations in Amercian History was of Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan at the dawn of World War One. The story in the history books was that he resigned in protest over President Wilson's handling of the sinking of the Lusitania. But the true story was that he resigned over the sinking of his broken heart into a pool of despair.

You see in his frequent trips to New York City, Secretary Bryan struck up a very close friendship with a young ingenue of the Yiddish Theatre named Molly Picon. It seems that what really attracted him to her was the fact that she had a pet monkey.
You see Miss Picon was heavily involved in the rescue attempts by animal lovers to prevent the abuse of organ grinders monkeys which where forced to work in squalid and dangerous conditions by unscrupulous hurdy-gurdy men. Now the monkey that Miss Picon rescued happened to be very talented and in fact was an excellent organ grinder in his own right which Secretary Bryan discovered in a gin soaked three way on the Lower East Side. He continued to haunt the theater and send flowers and bananas to Miss Picon to point that he became a figure of fun and derision. Such terms as "Hot Monkey Sex" and "He has a Monkey on his back" originated during this unfortunate time of sexual obsession.

Finally Miss Picon was forced to break it off with the venerable statesman who became distraught and inconsolable to the point that he resigned his office and moved back to the hinterlands.

He only came out of retirement whenever there was an attempt to destroy or somehow harm monkeys, apes or any other erstwhile simian Americans. He became a vindictive and hateful old man. But many a night he sat and rocked on his porch and dreamed about those glorious nights with his little Yiddisher momma and her monkey.
(I Quit, the History of Resignations in American History by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pocket Books 2007)

I Quit!

The first member of a President’s cabinet to resign before the term of office was over was of course the first Secretary of War Henry Knox. General Knox served as George Washington’s Secretary of War in his first cabinet serving which such luminaries as Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Secretary Knox was really the only “Washington” man in the cabinet as he put the Presidents interest before his own while his fellow cabinet secretaries were locked in mortal combat over their desire to chart the course of the new republic.He appealed to the President to enforce a minimum level of civility and comity in the discussion, but the President said to just ignore it and to not reply and the sniping and nonsense would stop of it's own accord. The chubby cabinet minister knew that would not work and was forced to resign and leave the cabinet to return to his mansion in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn where pursued his vocations of book binding, art and his intense interest in toilet water.
(I Quit, the History of Resignations in American History by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pocket Books 2007)

Hey it's the Fifth of July

On this Fifth of July lets remember all the things we love about our country.

Everyday should be like the Fourth of July where we celebrate our great country.

Some of us know that. God Bless America.

I used to love wrestling.

You know when I was a kid I was big fan of wrestling. Old school wrestling of course. This was long before it became so corporate. The only way you could see it in the sixties was on Channel 47 which was a Spanish channel on UHF. You could only get two channels on UHF. 41 and 47. So you would maneuver the special antenna you needed to get Lucha Libre Professional on your TV on a Saturday Night.

Then you would see the star wrestlers that Vince McMahon's father controlled in his wrestling company. Pedro Morales. Chief Jay Strongbow. Haystacks Calhoun. Ernie the Cat Ladd. Gorilla Monsoon. The Fabulous Moolah. And of course the living legend, Bruno Sammartino. We didn't have any money to go to the rasslin show in the Garden so that was the only thing you got to see. And bullshit about with your friends when you went to the schoolyard.

Anyway Vince McMahon took it over from his father and really made a big deal out of it. Hulk Hogan and Wrestlemania One put it over the top and rock stars like Cindy Lauper and Madonna got involved and the networks saw an opportunity and it was put all over cable TV and pay per view. And it all got really boring.

You see the same battles and "gags" were repeated over and over again. The villains pounded their chests and spouted nonsense like the Iron Sheik would when he would diss America during the hostage crises. The good guys piled in and started to fight and the crowd went crazy. But it was the same old, same old. Out sized characters fighting epic battles over nonsense. It gets really boring watching the same thing over and over again.

Now don't get me wrong. There is still an audience for this stuff. It just doesn't include me. I guess you can say I out grew it. I recognize that it is slick entertainment and makes a lot of dough for some people. And you should enjoy it if you want to. I have moved on. I am nostalgic about it and might flip the dail and watch for a few minutes. But I like new stuff that amuses me. If you know what I mean.

My granddaughter is bummed

She is bummed that she is going to miss Stacy and Clinton when they come to the store this week. Stacy made her an assistant and let her help bring stuff out to the subject. And Clinton was great in explaining to her how the filming worked.

But what are you going to do. She has lacrosse camp.

I am not a big fan of vacations.

I am not a big fan of vacations. I like my life the way it is. Every day is like a vacation for me. Mainly because I do thinks I like to do all the time and minimize stuff that I don't like as much as I can. Going away stops me from doing all the stuff I have to do. It's not like I don't have to still do it, it just means that more will be piled up when we get home.

I like my easy chair. My mattress. My yard. My fully stocked wine rack and kitchen.

Hanging out with the kids in Florida was fun and made the trip worthwhile. The only thing that makes a trip worthwhile.

Naturally when we left we get a call that "What Not to Wear" wants to film in the store for the last show of this season. So we will be working our ass off as soon as we get home.

We will need a vacation.

Why do they have to do this?

The wife has a new post at Never Say Diet called Squeal or No Squeal about the new shows featuring plus women in ways that really make you shake your head.

Check it out. Guarantied 100% troll free.

Happy Fourth of July.

Philadelphia, 1776 Whitney’s Tavern
John Adams: We have to do something, some sort of agreement or statement. If we let the congress drift Dickenson and his friends will eventually convince enough delegates to attempt a gesture of reconciliation with the King. That cannot be.
Ben Franklin: Hey check out the teats on that barmaid. The one with the white bonnet and the low cut chemise.
Charles Carroll of Carrolton: Which one is he talking about Tom; they all have white bonnets on.
Tom Jefferson: I don’t care, I only dig black chicks.
John Adams: Gentleman please we must focus on the matter at hand.
Ben Franklin: I am focusing on what I have in my hand. Right here baby. Remember we must all hang together or we will all hang separately. Just some of us are better hung than others.
Sam Adams: Damn this ale sucks. Even I could do better than this slop. You know I think I might start a brewery.
John Adams: Gentlemen, please enough of this ribaldry and frivolity. We must do something. I propose we prepare a statement. A declaration if you will. One that will state our principles that will bind us and our sacred honor in a compact that will echo down the ages. Are you with me?
Ben Franklin: (has grabbed the barmaid and put on his lap, he places his bald pate between her mountainous mounds and says) BBBBRRREEEWWWSSSSKKKIIIII
Tom Jefferson: Oh enough you tight assed bean town turd. I knock something out tonight. Right now I am off to this new establishment down on the other side of town. A most elegant quadroon has opened a “Charm School” for refined young ladies. Come on lets go (he gathers up his two rare clumbers and leaves the taproom).
Sam Adams: Hey I thought he was just a ginger haired fop who was not all that interested in woman.
Ben Franklin: Who gives a shyte? More for us,(he pushes the barmaid off his lap and slaps her ample buttocks) More Ale my darling. Let’s party like its 1779.

I'm listening?

So the kids rescued this dog from a shelter. Of course they didn't get a real dog, they got a frou frou puppy. It is a Chinese Crusted or Chinese Crested or some shit like that. It looks like a rat with long hair.

Anyway the puppy was abused so it hates men. It barks and barks when you first meet it. Now it sort of got used to me but if I make a move it starts to bark. I tried to win it over by slipping it some food. Since I am doing all the cooking when I walk into the kitchen it gets all excited and starts to run around in a circle. Like Governor Sanford when he smells a Argentine. Anyway once I feed it then he starts to bark again. But that's not worst of it.

Now it stares at me all day long. Like Eddie did to Frazier when he moved to Seattle. It is a pain in the ass. He sits there and stares at me. WTF!

Hey whats on the menu.

Well for 4th of July I am going to go Brazilian. Why? Because I have to be different.

So we are having yucca fries with chorizo's as an appetizer.

Skirt steaks in Chimichurri sauce with asparagus as a main course.

But more apple pie al a mode for desert.

I made a garlic and oil pasta with spinach and two cheeses from Little Big Heads show that I saw yesterday for dinner last night. It came out pretty good. But for an appetizer I made sliders from the left over ground filet mignon with these cool hard dinner rolls I found in Publix.

At least one election is turning out right!

At least one election is turning out right. The one and only Angie is running away with our policewoman poll.

There is some justice after all.

Hey is something else going on.

Hey is something else going on. I have stopped watching TV because I was tied of all the Michael Jackson bullshit. It's a holiday after all.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want that. Make it happen

Of course the wife loved the decor in the mansion. She especially loved the chandeliers. When she saw this beauty it was "I want that. Make it happen."

What was really funny was that each of the bedrooms in the mansion had a bed crown high up on the wall over the beds with long curtains hanging down. I told the wife "look just like our bedroom." These lady's next to us started to laugh. I had to tell them "No I actually have that in our bedroom."

We do.

We finished the Comunion photos

The communion photos are done and they came out great. Now the thing is to get everyone to go to church on a regular Sunday. Even when you are vacation. That's what religion is all about.

Showing up when there isn't a party. Cause every mass should be a party.

Hey I hear this poor guy has to recreate this in Wisconsin.

At least that's the rumor.

Vizcaya is not a shitty shortstop for the Mets

So yesterday we went on a day trip to Miami. We went to this big estate called Vizcaya which was built by this dude James Deering around 1916. It has extensive grounds and a beautiful garden. But man it was freakin hot.

There were a bunch of people taking photos especially a bunch of young Hispanic girls and their family's taking photos. The girls were all dressed up to celebrate their 15th birthday and a lot of them had what looked like wedding dresses on. And man it was really hot in the gardens. But they got some great photos. There was even a woman in a wedding dress but I don't think it was her wedding but just some commercial modeling shots.

The dock we are standing on is very impressive. There is a stone "boat" out in the water where the rich dude had his parties. The only problem is that the footing was dicey and the wife twisted her ankle in some of the potholes.

Did I tell you it was freakin hot.

They don't have them out here in America!

Simon said...
I've only ever heard of Nathan's through How I Met Your Mother (the "Barney ran the marathon" episode). They don't have them out here in America! ;)

Sorry for not posting for a few days but we flew down to Florida and boy are arms tired. We took the granddaughter home and are hanging out in Alligator land till after the Fourth of July.

So the Brooklyn people are out in America seeing all the stuff we don't have in the city. Like Walmart.

All the way there on the plane we watched direct TV and every other commercial was for Walmart and their new meat department. I don't know about that. But we did go and buy a bunch of stuff for the house. You see I have to have all my gadgets if I am going to cook. So I got a new food processor and a bunch of mixing bowls and a new set of really sharp chef's knives.

Then we went to this place called Penn Dutch which is a big supermarket of some sort. What was cool was we got a whole filet mignon and the butcher cut it for us and gave the scraps ground up for burgers. So last night I made filet mignon on the bbq and made a mushroom sauce. With a big salad and some wine. And Penn Dutch apple pie with vanilla ice cream for desert.

Now the skirt steaks are marinating in the chimichurri sauce and we are going to the beach. I have to go and get sunblock # 1500 if I can find it.

I was sorry we had to skip Nathans

I mean I love Nathans. But we had two ten year olds with us and I didn't want them to get sick and barf all over the car on the ride home. Plus we couldn't buy it and take it home because it takes about half an hour and the stuff would get cold.

I remember when I was a kid me and my buddies would take a towel and go on the F train to Coney Island and spend the day on the beach. We would make a Nathan's run and get some hot dogs. Man they always tasted salty and greasy and great. The best ones was when the sweat of the girl behind the grill would run down her nose and drip on the dogs on the grill. You would flirt with her and say "Hey Foxy your dripping all over my dog." "You know I be dripping sugar." "Oh yeah Baby! You know what they say about Irish guys ain't true.... and...and.." Oh sorry I had a flashback.

Anyway speaking of that the clams are pretty great too!

The name just never caught on.

They keep trying to change the names of the amusement area at Coney Island. It was Fun Land and Wonderland and whole bunch of other stuff at one time or another. You see some vestiges of older management schemes. Some of them even had a sense of humor.

We don't do politically correct in Brooklyn. Foregetaboutit!!!!!!

Did I ever tell you my wife is crazy?

Did I ever tell you that my wife is crazy?

My daughter is going back to Florida today and before she left she wanted to do something she hadn’t done in a long time. Ride the Cyclone in Coney Island.

For those of you who don’t know, the Cyclone is the 80 year old roller coaster which is one of the most famous roller coasters in the United States. Our little cousin the elf heard that at the Communion on Sunday and begged to go too since her dad the FBI agent would never let her go on any rides or even go to Coney Island because he thought it was too dangerous. Now I practically grew up at Coney Island so I kinda know the ins and outs of it so I wasn’t that worried. I mean you can catch a rough crowd but most of them are just there having a good time on the rides with their family. Even the thugs are just people with their kids and such and if you treat people with respect you are usually just fine.

Anyhow they made plans to go there in the afternoon yesterday. They were just going to go on the Cyclone, have a hot dog at Nathan’s and come back to the store. But as almost always happens the store got in the way. We were busy and one thing led to another and they didn’t get a chance to get away. A heavy hitter came in at 6pm and started buying and all of the concentration went to that as it should. In the meantime the wife’s sister brought her daughter for a sleep over so she could hang out with my granddaughter. Anyway we don’t get finished till 9pm when the last customer leaves. And the wife goes “OK let’s go we are all going to Coney Island. Including the pregnant sister. (Grandpa is old, he gets tired). But what Lee Lee says goes so we all troop off to the mini-van. Me and six women getting to Coney Island at about 10pm.

We have to park a couple of blocks down Stillwell Avenue in front of the Aquarium and walk up to the Cyclone. My Daughter and the Elf get on and ride it a couple of times sitting in the first car and screaming their ass off. My wife convinces the guy running the ride that she should be able to go inside and take photos of them as they wiz by and they are very happy. But since we are there we decide to go into the amusement area for a little while. After all it is only 11pm and only Grandpa has to get up early to go to work.

So we pass the geek show with the world smallest horse, and the strong man and they incredible two faced lady which surprised me because I thought she would be busy blogging. Anyway, it was surprisingly busy for a Monday night near midnight. The consensus of all the crazy women was that we had to go on one more ride and they chose the Wonder Wheel. This is the giant Ferris Wheel you see in all the photos of Coney Island. My sister in law couldn’t go because she is pregnant but I got tickets for the rest of us. As we approach the gate, the carney guy goes you want one that swings or not. The wife goes “What’s the matter with you, one that swings.” So we all pile into this bucket of scrap and get lifted up slowly and slowly and slowly and then it hits the spot and it swings back and forth wildly at almost a speed that can do a complete circle. Now we went back to the house after we closed the store because all the girls wanted to pee before we got to Coney Island cause they scieved the bathrooms there. While I was waiting I poured myself a big pint glass of vodka and cranberry, heavy on the vodka. Just to calm Grandpa’s nerves you see. Anyway here I am hundreds of feet in the air being swung back and forth in a metal box at what seems sixty miles an hour with a bunch of screaming women. Let me give you some advice. If you are going to mix up your vodka and cranberry, due it before you put it in your stomach.

We finally finish the ride and everyone is happy. I put a kibosh on Nathan’s because it was too late for the kids to eat greasy hot dogs but I told them I would get some pizza on the way home. We stopped off at Hanley’s on Court St and I got a couple of take out pies. They were still open because Monday is gay night and those guys always want to eat something late. So to speak. There were a bunch of tiny little dogs tied up outside like it was a biker bar with motorcycles. But at least in Brooklyn you can get a couple of great thin crust pies at 1 in the morning.

We eventually got everyone to bed at around two thirty in the morning. The wife was very happy.

Did I ever tell you that my wife is crazy?

Third Watch: Sextalk between Bosco and Faith

When it rains it pours. Hard.

Hee hee.

Call for Chris Cagney on the big white telephone!

Ya gotta love those Irish broads.

Bates and Coffey in Yellow Raincoats

Lucy always gets her man.

Get Chrisite Love, Sugar!

You know what you got Christie? You got Chutzpah!

And a really great Afro.

Oh yeah it's Pepper the real Police Woman!!!

Not that I want to influence you or anything like that there.

Who do you want to slap on the cuffs?

Which police woman would you want to slap on the cuffs if you know what I mean? It's time for a strip search and a cavity search and you know who you want to check you out. The nominees:

Lucy Bates from Hill St. Blues. A tall drink of water but all woman. Big girl, little picture.

Cagney from Cagney and Lacy before she stopped drinking and went all feminist on ya.

Christie Love that sweet piece of brown sugar from "Get Christie Love."

Faith Yokas the Blue collar guys girl from Third Watch.

And the one, the only the real police woman, Angie.

You make the call and I will not try to influence you by posting photos that will indicate who I am voting for. I wouldn't try and cheat like that.

Hey you must want to be one of those 3 sons!

Well Steve Douglas of My Three Sons won the Father's Day Poll. The final tally;

Steve Douglas of My Three Sons 16

Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa 12

Homer Simpson from Moe's 12

Jim Anderson from the Fifties 3

Howard Cunningham without Charley's Angels 1

Next up, what policewoman would you want to slap the cuffs on you.

Return with me to the Grand Hotel.

Grusinskaya: Can you imagine a hundred girls in the ballet school, each thinking she would become the most famous dancer in all the world? I was ambitious then. We were drilled like little soldiers. No rest, no stopping. I was little, slim, but hard as a diamond. Then I became famous and - But why am I telling you all this? Last night, I didn't know you at all. Who are you, really? Baron Felix von Geigern: What?

Grusinskaya: I don't even know your name.

Baron Felix von Geigern: [laughs]I go by many names. My real name is Felix Benvenuto Freihern von Geigern. My mother called me "Flix". But you can call me Jeremy.

Grusinskaya: [joyously] No! Flix! Oh, that's sweet. And how do you live? And what kind of a person are you?

Baron Felix von Geigern: I'm a prodigal son, the black sheep of a white flock. I shall die on the gallows. I live my day tormenting people on the internet by posting vile obscenities and foolish propaganda. Anything I can do to destroy intelligent conversation makes me smile.
Grusinskaya: Why you are wonderful. You’re wit is beyond compare. I so love how you can dominate any conversation and how you have had every job anyone would ever mention. You are so talented. It almost makes me regret my engagement. Sigh. You must leave me. I want to be alone. I think I have never been so tired in my life.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Never fear my little linzer torte. If you are seen in my company often enough you will surely soon be all alone.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Subway Series Sweep.

While I was busy the Yankees swept the Mets three straight in the latest edition of the subway series.

Despite the photo, they didn't demolish Shea Stadium, they laid waste to Citi Field.

The Yanks have had some rough patches so I enjoyed this.

And if there is any justice, Doyle will hang himself for the shame of it all.

Well we can always hope, right.

Well it all went great.

So the communion went off perfectly. I got everyone there one time which was what was really worrying me because I am the only "morning" person. When I go to wake them up if I am lucky they only throw a pillow at me and not a shoe or a book. But everyone was excited and got ready on time.

As we walked the three blocks to the church all the yuppie scum liberal hipster doufous had a smile on their face because my granddaughter looked so beautiful in her regalia. We went full bore Brooklyn old school with the veil and the crown and the dress and the little socks and the shoes and the works basically. A friend of mine from back in the day has a little shop on Degraw street that only sells communion and baptism stuff. So we were able to get everything we needed in one spot.

The whole family went to the front of the church and Father Chris was nice enough to announce that she was getting her first communion. She went up first and then got a big round of applause. I think a lot of the older women remember their first communion and most of the people in the church came up to congratulate her. She was very happy.

Then we went back to house where we had a big cookout in the yard. I was running around filling drinks and making steaks and burgers and sausage and peppers. Everybody really put on the feed bag.

Now the guy who does the Communion portraits was busy all weekend taking graduation photos of Bishop Kearny's class. So he was real busy but as a favor he agreed to come back at the end of the day to his studio for us to take the traditional shots. So we had to walk back up Court St at 5pm to take the photo's. Now lots of people where hanging out at the sidewalk cafes and what not and they were also smiling and congratulate us as we walked up the street. I think a lot of people want to go back to the old ways but don't want to do the work that it entails.

Cause let me tell you it was a lot of work. I was bushed. As soon as we got back I sacked out and didn't get up till this morning. I am still all aches and pains.

But the communion went off perfectly and that's what counts.

It's Grandpa's fault that he is so old.

Hey I have been busy!

Sorry to miss the non stop Michael Jackson talk but I was busy getting ready for the first communion tomorrow. I had to finish cleaning the yard and then the granddaughter and I did all the planting in the back yard where the party will be. We put in inpatients and marigolds and lots of pots of basil which I will use to cook with all summer. Then we had to go pick up all the food and start the preparations. The potato and macaroni salad are done now I have to start on the peppers and onions for the sausages for tomorrow.

The Worst Michael Jackson cover ever!

Your pal Amy Winehouse and Charlotte Church with the worst cover ever made of a Michael Jackson song.

Hearing this would be enough for anyone to ask for a hot shot. Just sayn'

Check out where Michael H is spending the night!

I hope you have been following Michael H's bike trip up to Alaska.

Tonight he is staying at Fort Nelson in Canada which as you know was named after the famous astronaut Tony Nelson.

Or is this just an excuse to check out Barbara Eden's ta-ta's.

Anyway check out his blog and leave a comment.

Remembrance of Things Pabst

So I told you about Calpurina which is the nifty little wine bar that Georgia the former owner of the coffee shop opened up in the old video store space next to Scotto’s funeral parlor on First Place. It has a bunch of old chairs and wine and cheese and is very relaxed. They have au-pairs working as bartenders/waitresses and they take a long time to fill your order. So what you do is get some wine and some nibbles and order the next round as soon as you get your food so you have chance of getting it sometime this century.

Anyway one of the girls finally learned what she was doing and now she is going back home to Hungary for a three week vacation! WTF! I can’t go on a three week vacation and I have three freaking jobs for crying out loud. Anyway we wished her well and I told her to watch out for vampires when she got home. She knows me pretty well and replied “Don’t be a dick, that’s Romania.” Ouch.

Now this joint has be opened basically a month and it already has regulars. One is this guy who is a dead ringer for Big Pussy from the Soprano’s. This guy really plays it up because he always wears jogging suits and a lot of chains and does the dese dem and dose thing. The only thing is he is Arab not a guinea. But hey he wants to fit in and this is becoming real neighborhood joint. The yuppie scum/hipster doufus people seem to be passing it by or only coming in infrequently. I don’t know if it is good for her business but I like it let me tell you.

Now I have my daughter and granddaughter with me this month and we sneak the baby in to have some cheese and snacks. She doesn’t like wine but will take a sip just to learn what wines are good. I am teaching her how to shop as she comes with me to all the local shops to buy meat and vegetables and bread and so forth. She loves to go with me when I get sandwiches and proscuitto balls for the store because the guys at the slicer always make her taste a slice of whatever they are cutting so she knows it is all right. But I am teaching her not to buy it if it is at the end of the piece of cold cuts to make them open a new one. And how to pick out vegetables. When she wasn’t with me today, everybody at the stores asked where she was but she had to stay back at the store to help grandma.

Back to the story about regulars. We are now the regular “family” at the bar because we come in at least once a week. But they have this other dude who is there each and every night. He is a little gay dude with a southern accent and white hair, very much like that actor guy on Will and Grace that feuded with the rich bitch Karen. Let me tell you this guy never shuts up. He was with a bunch of people one night when we came in and he introduces them all around and orders for everyone and makes a big production out of everything saying how these people have been his buddies for years. Except for this one woman. Anyway when the dude goes outside his “good buddies” start trashing him unmercifully to this other lady. Now my wife get’s indignant. “How can they do that” she says. I told her the sad thing is that the poor sap is probably gonna pick up the check. But the one thing you don’t want to do is burst anybodies illusions. Not that I think this dude had them. He probably knows what the score is and it’s not my place to set his straight. But I used it as a teaching tool to my granddaughter. When you hang out someplace, never talk to the regulars. They are always crazy.

I think I could be in the running for Grandfather of the year.

You never can have just one.

New York Post Weird but True June 26, 2009

She's all that -- for a bag of chips.

An Oklahoma City hooker offered her services in exchange for a bag of Frito-Lay chips after a john said he had no money.

Unfortunately for them, a police cruiser drove by as they were in flagrante delicto in a car. Lahoma Sue Smith, 36, has several prostitution busts. Police let the man go.

Not that's just not right. Fight the patriarchy. My only question? What kind of chips?

The worst movie dad of all time!

The worst movie dad of all time was Michael Caine in "Blame it on Rio"

In this marvel of witt and sophistication, Michael Caine and his buddy Joe Bolongia decide to go on vaction to Rio with their nubile daughters Michele Johnson and very young Demi Moore pre breast implants.

Required viewing for all you perves.

Learn what not to do on vacation with your buddies daughter.

I wish someone had shown this to Governor Sanford.

PS I shrunk the photo but you get the idea. Links not safe for work. Or if your wife is in the room.

Tom Bosley Workout ....Working for your votes

He is the hardest working out dad in show business.

Happy Fathers Day Ben Cartwright

Hey he is coming on strong in the poll.

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: To the NBA draft Eddie. The Knick’s look like they are going to make a trade and get Darko Milicic and I need to show my face.
Dave the limo driver: I thought all the guys on the Knicks were darkies except for David Lee.

Eddie Curry: Racial humor Davie? Racial humor? You know Jayson Williams needs a ride to the insane asylum maybe I can send you down there with the limo.
Dave the limo driver: I’m sorry Eddie I was just joking around. You seem very sad today.

Eddie Curry: Yeah I am. One of my famous celebrity friends died. Someone very dear to my heart. You know I first out about love from them back in the day.
Dave the limo driver: What you banged Farrah Fawcett?
Eddie Curry: No you big dummy she was icky.

Dave the limo driver: Don’t tell me….Ed McMahon….wow!

Eddie Curry: NO YOU MORON. Ed McMahon what are you stoned.
Dave the limo driver: Well sorry but that’s who just went toes up.
Eddie Curry: No. You see when I was a young ten year old kid I went to a lot of basketball camps. Then Coach Valvano took us to this big house with circus rides and monkeys and everything. And I got to meet Michael Jackson.
Dave the limo driver: Holy cow Eddie I didn’t know you knew the King of Pop.

Eddie Curry: Yeah we even slept over. Me and Jamal Crawford. But it was funny. For the King of Pop he had really bad soda pop. He gave a can of Mountain Dew that made me really sleepy and the next thing you know I woke up with my underwear on backwards and a fondness for Abba. Ever since then Mountain Dew has made my ass sore. I wonder what that was all about. But Michael let me drive his car in the driveway. That was really exciting. You know what else would be exciting Davie?
Dave the limo driver: What’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Like it’s Human Nature. Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way?

(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Michael Jackson - Ghost

Ya think?

Yes he was one.

But it caught up with him. You could see it in his face.

UH_OH!!!!!!!!!!!

The wife rips the New York Times a new one!

Hey the wife rips the New York Times a new one about the bullshit article they wrote about the plus fashion industry on her blog at Never Say Diet. She let's you know what is what and asks the important question:

"Why can't it just be about the clothes?"

Check it out.

Cool beans....and Potato!!!!!!

3 lbs string beans
10 large red potatoes
Pecorino red pepper flakes
¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
1/3 cup red wine vinegar

A simple and delicious salad is one my grandma used to make. It is the essence of simple peasant cooking.

Simply clean the strings by snapping them in two and removing any stray stems. Wash them off and put in boiling water for about 8 minutes so the strings get sort of cooked but be sure to take them out before they get mushy. Take out and drain the water away. Put the string beans in a metal bowl and add the olive oil and smush it around to get oil all over everything. Cover with foil as it will cook a little longer.

Put the potatoes in boiling water and cook until soft about twenty minutes or so. Test them by putting a fork in them. If you can push it right in without resistance then they are done. Take them out of the water and let them cool. When they are cool enough to handle but way before they start to turn black, just peel off the skins which are very loose and easy to take off. Cut the potato into little triangular pieces 1 ½ inches on each side. Then add it to the string beans.

Take a big wooden spoon and mix them all together without smushing them too much. Add the red wine vinegar. Liberally sprinkle in the pecorino red pepper flakes and salt to taste. Chill in the refrigerator before serving.

Like revenge, it is a dish best eaten cold.

Salud.

When a dad is not a dad.

One of the best depictions of what it meant to be a father isn’t even about a father. It’s about a surrogate father. In the classic Disney movie “Follow Me Boys” Fred MacMurray is a World War One vet who is roped into becoming the Scout Master of his local Boy Scout Troop. At first hesitant he begins to see the value and need that some many of these boys had for a positive male influence in their life. Especially one kid played by Kurt Russell. His dad is loving but a hopeless drunk. I will always remember the scene where the Dad shows up hopelessly drunk at the Boy Scout Award ceremony but brought ice cream for the boys. I mean he meant well but his own demons got the best of him. That happens to a lot of people. Kurt Russell is terribly embarrassed but Fred takes him aside and teaches him that people can only do what they can do and it is OK to love someone even if they are far from perfect.

Fred stands in for a father figure for a lot of these kids who’s Dads might be absent or too busy or just didn’t care. And that was in the days of nuclear families with a mom and a Dad. His example taught a lot of kids how to act. I think it is a great movie and shows what the Boys Scouts are all about. It shows how if you provide a good example it will do wonders for a kid.

This movie led directly to his casting in My Three Sons and a long career in Disney movies.

They don’t make actors like Fred Mac Murray anymore.

Steve Douglas is kicking ass!

Hey where the hell is Ethel.

You got a lot of splaining to do Fred.

Summer pasta salad-Trooper York Style

2 lb boxes of wagon wheel pasta
½ cup extra virgin olive oil
2 quart boxes of cherry tomatoes
1 large bunch bail
1 large hunk of ricotta salad cheese (approx 2 lbs at least)
1 cup of grated Pecorino Romano Cheese
Salt

This is a quick and easy summer salad.

Boil a big pot of water and when it is bubbly toss in the two pounds of wagon wheel pasta. Any odd shape will do like bow ties or rotelli springs like in this photo but I particularly like wagon wheels because the stay all dente and firm longer. Cook for about six or seven minutes until the pasta gets a little soft, not mushy but still very firm.

Drain and put in a metal mixing bowl. Pour in the Olive oil and salt the macaroni liberally. Then cover it with aluminum foil and let it sit for twenty minutes. It will continue to cook in the bowl while you are preparing the other ingredients.

Wash and then cut the tomatoes in half. Dice the ricotta salad into small hunks about an inch all around. This might sound big but this is a soft cheese and when you mix it the pieces will break up into smaller units. Clean the basil so you have only the leaf as the stems might be bitter.

Uncover the bowl and add the tomatoes and cheese. Take a large wooden spoon and place the salad in our serving bowl. Be gentle and try not to break apart the pasta or the cheese.

Right before serving add ¾ of the cup of Pecorino Romano and mix thoroughly but gently. Reserve the remainder of the cheese for anyone who likes it extra cheesy. Add the basil at the last minute for freshness, mixing once again thoroughly but gently.

This is my favorite quick and easy summer pasta salad that can be assembled while you are doing a lot of other stuff. The cheese and the freshness of the basil make it particularly tasty.

Salud.

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening.

Hazel: Is it dangerous?

Fiver: No it’s not danger, it's... oh, I don't know. It seems like the lady in the cottage is very happy.

Bigwig: I know what it is. The lady in the cottage has some house guests.

Hazel: Who are they? Are they anyone famous? I love it when she has celebrities visit. Like that nice Will I Am. I hear he is but you can’t tell him or he will punch you in the face.

Bigwig: No I think it is her father who came to visit. She is very happy. She had a bunch of presents for him and made a big dinner. I think she said she was serving cool beans whatever that is. Anyway it is some big holiday.
Fiver: What holiday? It’s not Easter cause there are no chocolate bunnies or little marshmallow chickadees that the lady will puke out after having too much tequila.

Hazel: That was the other cottage where the lady was throwing up all the time. Maybe it is Arbor day?
Bigwig: No it’s called Father’s Day. That’s when you celebrate your father and have a big dinner and be nice to him even if you hate him all the rest of the year.

Hazel: Really, why would they do that?

Bigwig: I don’t know. But it seems that the moms usually get all the credit and the dads get one day a year so they have to enjoy it while it lasts. Oh and there is one other big thing.
Fiver: What’s that? Firecrackers? I hate firecrackers.

Bigwig: Presents. Your children give you lots and lots of presents. I think us rabbits should institute the same holiday. After all we all have children.

Hazel: That’s not even possible.
Bigwig: Why not?
Hazel: What the hell am I going to do with 2175 bottles of Old Spice?

Let's be careful out there!

New York Post June 24, 2009

Weird but true -- and tragic.
A teenager in Romania, sending Twitter messages while lying in the tub, was electrocuted when she accidentally dropped her laptop in the water.
Maria Barbu, 17, tried to plug her computer in after she wound the battery down during a long "tweeting" session.

Please ladies I beg you. When you are in the tub, play with your twat not your tweet.

Let's be careful out there.

Congratulations to the little filly!

New York Post Page Six June 24, 2009

THESE two are better than a pair of Manolos! Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate gave birth to twin girls, reps said yesterday. Parker and Matthew Broderick, who wed in 1997, conceived James Wilkie, 6, but had no luck getting pregnant again. The twins, Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge, were born Monday at East Ohio Regional Hospital, each weighing about 6 pounds. "The babies are doing beautifully and the entire family is over the moon," a rep for the couple said. Surrogate Michelle Ross, 26, was also doing well.

Congratulations and best wishes.

I'm as busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Hey, I am out at a client today on my weekly visit to the city, so I won’t be doing a lot of posting until tonight.

I will however accept questions. Especially planted questions because they are the best kind.

I spent a couple of hours weeding the backyard yesterday because we are going to host a brunch for the family after my granddaughters first Holy Communion. The wife insisted I hire a gardener but the guys I called all needed weeks notice to fit me in. Even illegal immigrants schedule their jobs on their I-phones these days. WTF?

Anyways I just blew through it like I usually did. We used to plant a lot in the backyard when the wife worked at the restaurant as we had big blowout barbeques every weekend. They were great because a lot of the guests were waitresses and bartenders and bar backs and they pitched right in to clean up when everything was done. Now it’s all up to Grandpa.

Tomorrow I will be working on some of the food. You know salads that will stay until Sunday. Potato Salad. A macaroni salad with basil, ricotta salada and cherry tomatoes and stuff like that.

Plus shopping for the party. And the wife is on a panel discussion for the plus size industry in a big event on Friday. So your humble correspondent will be busting his ass trying to get everything done.

I wish Laura Bush, Kelly Clarkson, Hazel, Fiver and Bigwig were able to lend a hand. Lazy bastards..

You did a good thing for a bad man.

One of the movies that really speak to me about fathers and sons is “A Bronx Tale.” Directed by Robert De Nero and written by and starring Chazz Palminteri it pretty much sums up how it was to live in Carroll Gardens back in the day.

You know the story. Bus driver Lorenzo lives with his wife and son Calogero in a walk up brownstone apartment in the Bronx which is dominated by the local Mafia social club. The gangsters are admired and emulated by a lot of the kids and the head guy Sonny (Chazz Palminteri) takes a liking to young Calogero after he doesn’t rat him out to the cops after he sees him shoot a guy. He almost tries to adopt him as a surrogate son. Which didn’t sit so well with his parents.

There is a great scene where after the kid lies to the cops he turns to his Dad and says “Did I do a good thing.” And his dad says “You did a good thing for a bad man.”

Now Lorenzo was a genuine tough guy himself. He had to be driving a bus through some tough neighborhoods in the Bronx. But he wasn’t a killer. None the less he confronts Sonny and tells him to stay away from his son. He refuses dirty money and keeps his integrity. That really took balls. Which really didn’t impress his son all that much? The easy assurance and the money and girls and fun of being a gangster is what impressed the kid. He left his Dad and his love of jazz and the Yankees behind to hang out at the club. Right up to the moment Sonny got whacked in the street. Then he finally realized what was what. But it was too late. So much time had passed. So many feelings had been hurt. A big part of growing up had been stunted for him. He could never get it back.

I grew up in a similar milieu. We used to pass Joey Gallo and a lot of other gangster on Columbia Street back in the day. They had clubs and did gambling and drugs and all that good shit. Most of us passed them by to go on and live happy and productive lives. Some drifted into that life. They are all dead now. But this movie shows how it really was.
Catch this movie if you can. It tells a really interesting father and son st

Rest in Peace Ed...HHHHIIIIYYYYYOOOO!!!!

Hoist a few for Ed tonight.

"Three horse shows a day?" WTF?

Snap Shots from Father's Day

Amba said:

Among other things, it's good to be reminded not to take for granted having honorable and loving parents.

My father was the quieter, handsome, self-effacing older son of a gentle father and a spirited, spitfire mother. His hotshot, blond, WASP-y looking 2-yrs-younger brother, who was on track to be a Jewish Kennedy (was a Liberal student leader at Harvard, which was like being SDS in the mid-'60s; was a protegé of the Roosevelts, offered a govt. internship that would have spared him serving, which he declined) called him "the gentle Puritan."

The great tragedy of my father's life was the loss of his brother. Alan, a pilot in the Naval Air Force, died in a test-piloting accident in Florida, trying to save the plane instead of bailing out when the landing gear jammed. My dad accompanied the body back from Florida to Chicago on the train, with a bottle of whiskey to numb and release him. He'd been married to my mother for a year at that time. They saw "Casablanca" the night before his brother's death, so he never wants to hear "As Time Goes By" again.

My father had always said the one thing he didn't want was to be the last one of his family left. And that happened. Both his parents died within little more than a decade of his brother, seven years or so apart, both at age 67. My father went on to surround himself with a large family (see the last picture here and as if he'd paid in advance, he has been blessed in every way since.

Knock on wood, spit three times, no tragedies, addictions, or even disabilities. Some near misses, most notably his own: at 67, right on schedule, he began to have a massive heart attack; fortunately he was on the surgical table being prepared for a bypass, the drastic blockage of 4 of his coronary arteries having been discovered almost by chance the day before.

Now he's 91!!! Jewish families are often matriarchies (possibly because -- going way back -- when you live surrounded by somewhat hostile majorities, it's not safe for the males to be boldly assertive; those males get killed off). Ours was no exception. When we were kids my dad was self-denying and emotionally controlled, like many men of his generation, and to some extent he expected the same of us. Our mom was a volatile spitfire, like his mom. But we always knew that underneath he was the steadily loving one. And in the years since his bypass, that has come out in the wide open. (Bonus: Mom has grown into much more than just a diva, too.)

They still have each other. We still have them -- more than ever. So lucky.