My dear Holmes,
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I know that I have
continually requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the
disappearance of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady
Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Be that as it may, I would request that
we put that matter in abeyance so that I can ask for your assistance in an
entirely different matter
We here at the Yard are well aware of
the secret work your brother Mycroft does with the Foreign Office. It is the
reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various
swarthy sepoys and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. We presume that
he is simply gathering information that would educate rather than edify. However,
a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my
superiors and I would like to address them with you.
It seems that several members of a Bedouin
cast have made visits to your brother’s abode. They are obviously clearly Musselman
and we have followed several of them back to their place of worship which you
might know as a “mosque.” On further investigation, we have determined that
they are part of a plan to protest and cause disorder in the public square to
protest the actions of certain Hebraic factions in the Holy Land. They plan a
disorderly protest as well as acts of violence that can not be tolerated by Her
Majesty’s government.
This would not be a problem if the Honorable
Disreali were still in power. Unfortunately, the advent of Prime Minister
Gladstone has led to a tolerance of violence towards the Jews. The Yard is therefore
at an impasse. We can not take action for fear we will not be supported by the government
when the Arab moves to kill the Jew. I would ask if you had some inkling of
what we can do to effect change and prevent further disorder and criminal
activity. Perhaps you could enquire of your brother as to the actual policy
extant as to these disorders so we might take guidance as to what we might do.
Although we at the Yard are not enamored
of the Hebrew in general, we do not want to see them killed in the street.
Especially on our watch despite the popularity of that course of action among
many of the party in power. Although the Wigs often claim to support the people
of the book, they in fact cleave to the mercenary alliance with the vast
pockets of the sheiks and sultans who are the bitter enemy of the Hebrews and
who seek to destroy them root and branch.
I would beseech you to question your
brother as to what he is doing with the visits of these disreputable desert
dwellers and to find out if he is associating with them as part of his employment
or for a more personal reason.
My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he
is enjoying marital bliss since his recent wedding. I presume that he is fully
recovered from the swelling and painful discharge he evidenced after his
bachelor do. When last I saw him as he left the water closet, he was in pain to
such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese
woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his
breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my
impertinence and join you in your efforts in this most serious matter.
I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 18, 1884
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