Dear Kris

Kris,

I am sorry I have not been in touch but I have been very busy. There have been a lot of demands on my time. Press. Motivational speaking. Photo shoots. Having my insides scooped out like a cantaloupe so I can have a road ready twat. I know I can never have as nice a twat as you. Or even be as big a twat as you. I think you are the twatiest twat that ever twated. In fact you have been instrumental in my transition. I figured if you can't beat em you might as well join em.

I have decided to continue my transition so as the maximize my earning potential. I have signed a contract to recreate many famous photographs for Vanity Fair. Marilyn Monroe on a subway grate. The nurse kissing the sailor in Times Square after VE day. Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra being carried into Thebes. And my favorite. The Iwo Jima photo. Only it is bunch of soldiers implanting their flagpole in my special spot. And of course the most famous of all.

Our Kim's shot that was heard around the world. Now everyone associates around the world with Kim. Especially with a black guy because of her sex tape. But her latest photo has proven to have gone viral. And not the virus that Khole is passing around the NBA. Viral. You know what everyone is talking about.

I hope you like it. I feel I look pretty. I love to look pretty. Now is my time.

Please don't be jealous.

I will be coming by next week to pick up my toy helicopter. I need a new hobby since I can't jerk off anymore.

With hugs and butterfly kisses,
Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner.

Dear Kris

Kris,

I know it is awkward for you. I just am a hotter chick then you are you just have to face it. I mean I know you are a big slut and did a bunch of guys. OJ had stretched you out so much banging you was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

But how do you think I felt all those years when Khloe was much more masculine then me. I had to deal and so should you. You just have to realize that you are a woman who has too much mileage on her greasy stretched out twat to get any action. Even the black guys don't want you anymore. That is why you have made a career out of pimping your daughters to every ball player you can find.

Of course you are a ballplayer too. I remember how you used to play with my balls that you keep in the music box on the night table next to the bed. You used to roll them around like you were Captain Queeg in the Caine Mutiny. In fact you had a lot in common with him. Not to mention that you sort of look like Humphrey Bogart after he got the cancer.

So please don't be a hater. Just accept it. Accept who you are. Accept who I am.

And one more thing. Do you have Lamar's new cell phone number. I always thought he was cute.

With hugs and butterfly kisses,
Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner.