Tales from Amy's Garden

Hazel:  You are finally back Kehaar. Thank you for scouting over the heather. We need to know what is happening but it is too dangerous for us to send out the Owlsa. Did you find anything on your flight?

Kehaar: Nothing matey! Nuthing you would care about Mr. Hazel.

Hazel: Did you fly over the old warren? How are they doing over there?

Kehaar: Many rabbits. Too many rabbits. All of them fighting. But not like old days. Now all fight with nasty black crow. He pecks and he pecks at their eyes and they all get very  angry. Everything seems to be about the crow.

Holly: I am not surprised. It was always an evil place. A place where the black crows will go to take over and destroy everything. Like Detroit.

Bigwig: What do you mean?

Holly: [shows Bigwig the scar on his stomach] You see this? They did it to me.  I was minding my own business when a bunch of crows went on a riot. They attacked everyone in a flock. There was nothing you could do. They were all angry because a farmer shot a crow who was stealing his corn. The crows claim the corn belonged to them. They didn’t plant it. They didn’t weed it. They didn’t harvest it. But they still claimed it was theirs. And that the farmer was a murderer because he tried to stop them from stealing. Plus they said I was a Jew. I don’t even know what that means.

Bigwig: What do you mean? What is a Jew?

Holly: I don’t know but it must be bad. They kept calling me that while they pecked at me. They tried to destroy everything. Then even destroyed their own nests. Why would they foul their own nests when they are angry. Crows are very strange. They are their own worst enemy.

Bigwig: It sounds like the old warren is even worse than it ever was before. I am glad we all left.  What else did you see Kehaar?

Kehaaar: Many other things. There is a new warren not so far from here. Many of the rabbits have gone over there. Even some of your own Mr. Hazel. They hop from here to there. Over the highway.  It is strange. The farmer is not like the crazy old lady who owned the old warren. He seems very nice.  If wimpy. Like a balloon without enough air. But he strict. Throw you overboard if you say wrong thing. He want all rabbits to play nice. Before he eats them.

Holly: That is the thing with farmers. You can’t trust them. They will turn on you.

Sliver: I am glad we are in our own place.

Holly: Me too. I just wonder who owns this land.

Hazel: Thank the great Lord El-ahrairah that this farm is owned by that fat man who is worried about his own concerns. He doesn’t worry about what the rabbits say or do. He is just trying to get a sandwich and look at woman’s teats. In fact I think that is his job.

Holly: Plus he doesn’t like rabbit. Only cow.

Hazel: I know. That is a good thing. We are very lucky.

Tales of Amy's Garden

 

 

 

Hazel: Did you find anything on your flight?

Kehaar:Nothing matey! Nuthing you would care about Hazel.

Hazel:Did you see the old warren? How are they doing over there.

Kehaar: Many rabbits. Too many rabbits. All of them fighting. And wombats. Well one wombat in the middle of everything. Every discussion. Every fight. Nothing but the wombat and her droppings.

Holly: I am not surprised. It was always an evil place but now the garden must be haunted.

Bigwig: What do you mean?

Holly: [shows Bigwig the scar on his shoulder] You see this? They did it to me. It is the bite of the wombat. You think it is not a big deal but it infects you and you react to it and then....well then you become insipid.

Bigwig: What do you mean? How do you become insipid?

Holly:You tart arguing with everyone. You make every discussion about you. You pit one rabbit against another until they are just fighting and arguing all night long. It is boring and stupid. And most of all it makes you an insipid scold.

Bigwig: Some of them must not be affected.

Holly: There is no one who is not affected. Even if the wombat does not bite you ....well you have to listen to the cries and whispers of those who have been infected. It is not pretty.

Sliver: I am glad we left there.

Holly: Me too. It is too nasty.

Hazel: Thank the great Lord El-ahrairah that we are free of that place and the lady who owns the garden. I hear she is even drunker and nastier than ever. She opens her door naked and shows all her wrinkles to everyone while she weeps that you are attacking her.  And something even worse.

Holly:What can be worse.

Hazel: Her son is a weasel and is marrying another weasel.

Holly:What's wrong with that?

Hazel: It's a boy weasel. Two boys getting married. And if you don't like it....well she will bite you.

Holly: I guess I got off easy. I only got bit by the wombat.

 

Tales of Amy's Garden

( A dirty and bedraggled rabbit limps up to the new warren. He is dragging his back leg and is totally exhausted. They bring him to the Captain of the Owsla)
Hyzenthlay: (gasps) Reporting for duty sir!
Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: What happened son.
Hyzenthlay: I have come here to join the warren sir. I claim asylum. I just can't take it anymore.
Bigwig: Why is it that bad?
Hyzenthlay:Yes sir. It has become intolerable. Dangerous. There are a lot of horrible new animals in the garden. It is getting very scary.
Bigwig: Really. What do you mean?
Hyzenthlay: Well it seems that there is a scruffy coyote who is trying to take over the garden. He is always yipping and yapping and chasing all the other animals. He is trying to be all mean and tough but he has dirty fur and some feces stuck to his bottom. You have to wary of him. He has been biting and fighting and trying to destroy their warren. It is beyond what any normal rabbit can abide. I fear he might follow me here.
Bigwig: That’s crazy. But the Owsla will watch for him. We are ever vigilant and we have a few tricks up our sleeve. But what of the Lady that owns the garden. Is she still busy adding to her collection of Paul Masson Wine bottles and fighting with anyone who tries to say that she is not left-handed?
Hyzenthlay: I honestly can't figure out what she thinks. She doesn't scold the coyote at all. She lets him howl and piss all over the garden. Instead she terrorizes poor gentle rabbits who can't say boo without her shouting over them and mocking them to the point that no one will remember what they had to say. Some of them have left and gone away. They don't like how she treats rabbits.
Bigwig: Really. What does her friend the gardener have to say? He at least seemed like a normal person. Is he still taking pictures of all the young nubile squirrels while pretending to care what they have to chirp about?
Hyzenthlay: I don't know what he thinks either. He hasn't had his camera out for a while. He has been doing some work in the garden. At least I think that is his job. That and cooking pancakes and shaving the ladies hobbit feet.
Bigwig: What of the rest of the animals who used to live there? Surely they must protest how the coyote is fouling their home.
Hyzenthlay: Most of the ones you remember are gone. The crusty old badger almost never comes out of his hole. The gay blue jay only sings once in a while. He doesn't even sing about his poop anymore.
Bigwig: Really because he is here all the time singing about his poop and dropping some on all of us. I can't believe the lady in the garden doesn't say something about this.
Hyzenthlay: I don't think she cares. Or understands what is happening. She is just busy adding to her collection of Paul Masson bottles in the front yard. She doesn't care about the garden. At least not enough to pay much attention.
Bigwig: Well that doesn’t sound like much fun. Everyone is very happy here nowadays. That is why I will not be going back to the old garden. Hazel and Fiver and Strawberry and all the rest don't care about the old warren anymore. It is some much more fun here. You are welcome to live with us in peace and happiness.
Hyzenthlay: That wonderful. I feel like I am home.
Bigwig: That is great. Let some of my men help you groom yourself and we will introduce you to some plump young ewes that can't wait to meet a manly rabbit such as yourself. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Thank you sir. I hope I never see that old warren again.

Tales of Amy's Garden

. Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: Yes Sir.
Bigwig: I just wanted to know what is going on at the old warren. We don’t want any surprises.
Hyzenthlay: Well Sir there are a lot of new animals in the garden. It is getting very scary.
Bigwig: Really. What do you mean?
Hyzenthlay: Well it seems that there is a scruffy coyote who is trying to take over the garden. He is always yipping and yapping and chasing all the other animals. He is trying to be all mean and tough but he has dirty fur and some feces stuck to his bottom. You have to wary of him. Watch out because he might follow you home.
Bigwig: That’s crazy. But the Owsla will watch for him. We are ever vigilant and we have a few tricks up our sleeve. Who else should we watch out for?
Hyzenthlay: Well there is a senile garrulous wart hog who never shuts up. She talks and talks and doesn't make any sense. I never knew that wart hogs could live so long. She never shuts up and she is totally incoherent.
Bigwig: Really. Well what does the lady who owns the garden say? Or her friend the gardener? Is he still taking pictures of all the young animals while they are singing?
Hyzenthlay: No I don't think so. He hasn't had his camera out for a while. I think it is planting season. He is planting his blubs or something. At least I think that is his job. That and cooking pancakes and shaving the ladies hobbit feet.
Bigwig: But what about the lady who owns the garden? Doesn't she care that these new visitors are creating havoc in the garden and scaring the rest of the animals?
Hyzenthlay: Not really. I don't think she cares. Or understands what is happening. She is just busy adding to her collection of Paul Masson bottles in the front yard. She doesn't care about the garden. At least not enough to pay attention.
Bigwig: Well that doesn’t sound like much fun. Everyone is very happy at the new garden. We will keep an eye out for these new animals and will chase them out of our garden. It will be like they aren't even here.
Hyzenthlay: That sounds great. I wish they would do that here.
Bigwig: Well I will leave you to it. I expect a full report of what is going on here. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig: Perhaps. Just be careful. The lady’s garden sounds like it is much more dangerous these days. Watch out for that coyote. At least you can smell him coming.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: Yes Sir.
Bigwig: I just wanted to know what is going on at the old warren. We don’t want any surprises. Did they make the big move? Did they leave the crazy lady’s garden?
Hyzenthlay: No sir they did not move. In fact she has been saying that she might stay right where she is at the old warren.
Bigwig: Really. She made such a big stink about moving and how expensive it is and everything. And she changes her mind just like that?
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. She changes her mind more than she changes her skirt made of the Victorian Venetian Blinds. You do know that all of her dresses made from old venetian blinds. She had a lot of them and didn’t want to pack them all up. Along with the cases of peroxide on the porch. The photo’s she takes with her broken lenses of flowers and dogs urinating. And the hundreds of Paul Masson bottles she like to throw into the yard. She said it was too expensive to pack.
Bigwig: That’s crazy. Why doesn’t she do what everyone else does and hire some Mexicans? They are all lined up there at the Home Depot. I mean I know you don’t want some Frito Bandito fingering your panties but they can pack up the empty bottles and all those out of focus photos of fat white people protesting.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know sir. I overheard her telling the farmer that lives with her that it was just too much to pack and too expensive. I mean you know she is very cheap and tries to get everyone who visits her to give her money. She keeps telling them about her amazing portal or something. I don’t know what that is but it sounds kind of dirty.
Bigwig: Really. I know what you mean. I remember how she used to fight with the farmer man when they split a pizza back when we lived in the warren. Not splitting a pie. A slice. And half a beer. Who does that?
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know but she has been fighting with everyone here on the farm. The self-involved crow stopped inviting everyone to his nest long enough to get in a big fight with her. They were screeching back in forth so loud it sounded like the time badger had sex with the noisy blue jay.
Bigwig: So I guess it is a false alarm and we can go back and visit anytime we want.
Hyzenthlay: It looks that way sir. Plus there is plenty of room now. A lot of the animals have moved on. The cockroaches are gone and the ghost is haunting other places. The senile house cat that wears the diaper is only around once in a blue moon. The Brazilian parrot that never shuts up hasn’t been seen for months now. There are some new animals that pop by but they seem much meaner and nasty. Lots of yelling and screaming and noise when the lady throws one of her empty Riunte Bottles at them. It takes some getting used to.
Bigwig: Well that doesn’t sound like much fun. Everyone is very happy at the new garden. We even all went on vacation to the Hampton’s. How cool was that?
Hyzenthlay: That sounds great. The only moisture we get is the spittle from that old mutt who likes to eat road kill. Otherwise it is very dry here.
Bigwig: Well I will leave you to it. I expect a full report of what is going on here. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig: Perhaps. Just be careful. The lady’s garden sounds like it is much more dangerous these days.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: Yes Sir.
Bigwig: I just wanted to know what is going on at the old warren. We don’t want any surprises.
Hyzenthlay: Lots of stuff sir. It’s seems the lady who owned the garden is moving. She is packing up all of her stuff.
Bigwig: Really. Everything? That is a lot of stuff.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. All of her dresses made from old venetian blinds. The cases of peroxide on the porch. The photo’s she take with her broken lense of flowers and dogs urinating. Even the empty Paul Masson bottles she like to throw into the yard. All of it.
Bigwig: That’s crazy. Why is she moving?
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know sir. I overheard her telling the farmer that lives with her that one day she tried to come home but her house had disappeared. I think she just had too much wine but that is not for me to say. I mean how much is too much?
Bigwig: Really. That reminds me of old times. How could a whole house disappear? That sounds like the lady in the garden that I remember. She used to make rabbits disappear all the time.
Hyzenthlay: Well the new place will be very different. You will have to show identification and everything before you get into her garden. She wants your name and social security number and blood type and a stool sample and everything. She even wants a paw print.
Bigwig: Well that might mean that a lot of people won’t want to come visit anymore. The noisy blue jay likes to flit in and out and won’t want to show his papers every day. He is very flighty and spends too much time examining his poop to worry about carrying his passport. The angry badger hates to show his claws. Well he likes to show his claws but only when he wants to do it. Even the self involved crow won’t want to show his stuff every time he drops by. He just wants to pop in and get everyone else to come back to his place. It’s a black crow thing.
Hyzenthlay: I know. I guess she doesn’t care. She spent a lot of money on this new place. She has people fixing it up and everything and not just the farmer she got to cook her meals and trim her lettuce.
Bigwig: Well that doesn’t sound like her. She is really cheap. I remember how she used to fight with the pizza guy all the time because she gave him a nickel tip. That’s why he used to put that green stuff on her pie all the time. And I don’t mean basil.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know. I guess she feels it’s worth it to move. It must be scary if your house disappears. Or something.
Bigwig:Well I guess you will be going with her. I expect a full report on the move. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig: Perhaps. I if I can find my way to then new farm. We shall see. Just be careful when you go there. The lady is hard to figure out sometimes. You never know which way she will jump.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir if you say so sir.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Pipkin: [while all are digging in the rain] What's happening back home, I wonder? Remember, when we lived in our old burrow? Dry, soft, warm bodies huddled together in a pile...
Dandelion: [to Hazel] Look, we can't go on like this. There is just too much to do here in the new burrow. We could be lazy in the old burrow. Like rabbits should be.
Silver: It keeps getting worse and worse. No matter how much we dig nobody is happy. They just keep complaining that we don’t do enough. How many holes can we make in one day?
Hazel: It won't be much longer, then we can all rest. You know we have big plans. Once we get the burrow just right we will have a lot of help. I promise.
Silver: How MUCH longer?
Pipkin: We never should have left.
Blackberry: Suppose Fiver's all wrong? Suppose we should have stayed at the old burrow.
Pipkin: Do you want to go back and find out.
Hazel: Go back? After all we've been through? I don’t think so. I mean we can go for a visit but we don’t want to live there. You don’t remember all the bad things. You remember how she liked to have a few drinks and start fights with all the people in the garden. I know she likes her cocktails.
Bigwig: That’s’ right. Everyone is always fighting over there. And people are always leaving and saying they will never come back. The lady who owns the garden is always getting in fights with everyone. She made that woodpecker leave and take all his holes with him. And the senile old cat left to live in the Hamptons and lick himself in the sun. She even got in a fight with a ghost and a cockroach. Who fights with a cockroach?
Hazel: She does like to stir things up. She is always talking about some Eskimo Lady and all these people that started a band in the city banging drums and stuff. The regular things that happen have gone by the wayside. Nobody waters the flowers. She doesn’t nibble on a nice carrot like she used to. And I guess nobody wants to munch on her lettuce anymore.
Dandelion: I don’t know this lady. What is she like?
Bigwig: It’s hard to describe. She likes to show off but then she gets mad when people talk about what she is doing. It’s hard to understand. She is not like rabbits. Rabbits just do it and don’t worry about who is watching. As long it is not elil.
Pipkin: Well you should be fair. She has her friends. And the farmer who lives with her now. I think he said that he likes to toss her lettuce.
Dandelion: Ewwwwwwww!!!
Hazel: Yes it is true. She always sat around showing everything to everyone. That is why so many people would stop by. It was very crowded. But there were a lot of arguments and fights. Rabbits like it peaceful. Maybe it will be better for rabbits now. Things could change for the better. Bigwig, you can lead a patrol over there soon. Then we will know what to do.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: Yes.
Bigwig: I just wanted to know what is going on at the old warren. We don’t want any surprises.
Hyzenthlay: Lots of stuff sir. They seem to be having a lot of parties or something. They have all these peoples dressed up in funny costumes banging drums and chanting. The farmer is always running out to film them. Especially the young girls. You know the ones with the droopy fun bags. He seems to like to film them the most and it annoys the lady who owns the garden.
Bigwig: Really. What does she do? I hope she isn’t throwing things again. I remember she once almost killed Fiver when she threw a Paul Masson Wine bottle out of her window.
Hyzenthlay: She doesn’t throw stuff. It is too warm to ski now. She just likes to ride her bike and makes the farmer shine it every day with a toothbrush. And she just makes him clean all the statues and make her breakfast and shave her feet. She has very hairy feet you know. Like a hobbit.
Bigwig: I know. That’s why she is always wearing those funny dresses. Even on skis. People are funny. Will there be a party this weekend?
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. I heard them talk about it. In fact it is a Tea Party.
Bigwig: Really. That reminds me of old times. I wonder if the Mad Hatter will be there. My great great great great grandfather used to be great friends with him and go to his parties all the time. This writer used to have them in his garden until he got arrested for kid touching.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t think he is coming but I think someone famous will be there. I don’t exactly know who she is but a lot of people don’t like her. They say she is a moose killer and has a magic vagina.
Bigwig: She killed a moose with her vagina?
Hyzenthlay: I think so.
Bigwig: That’s pretty impressive. I might drop by to see that. That’s has to be some kind of vagina.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know. I think you should stay away from vagina's like that. They might bite.
Bigwig: What kind of Rabbit are you? Scared of Vagina's? How will we ever have new rabbits if we are scared of vagina's? If you keep that up I will have the lady in the Garden put you on her arguing show with the rest of the people scared of vagina's. Chest out and dick up now. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig: Perhaps. I do want to get a look at that dangerous vagina. Just for scouting purposes you see.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir if you say so sir.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening?
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No but this time it feels different. Sort of…..like a storm is brewing.
Bigwig: I know. It is coming from that garden across the way where we had the old warren.
Hazel: How do you know that? It is something you heard on patrol?
Bigwig: No. Everyone knows about it. Everyone is talking about it.
Hazel: I must be out of the loop. What is the problem?
Bigwig: Well Strawberry and I were on patrol at the old warren and it seems that someone is threatening the lady from the garden and her friend the farmer who stays with her. Someone is writing nasty notes to her and saying he is going to do bad things.
Fiver: But I thought everyone didn’t like the lady in the garden. I mean look at how everyone had left the garden. She doesn’t get along with others all that well. She is always starting fights with everyone. Even the farmer is always pushing her from behind when they take all their clothes off. And he is always making the lady call for God or Jesus or something.
Bigwig: I know it is very strange. And he is always yelling weird stuff too. Why is he always saying he is going to come when he is already there? I don’t understand.
Hazel: So who is this person who is after them? Is it the self adsorbed crow?
The grumpy badger? The noisy blue jay? Or even the ghost?
Bigwig: No it isn’t any of the usual people. It is some new person. I heard he live in a cardboard box in an attic.
Hazel: Oh so he is a cat?
Bigwig: I don’t know but the lady keeps calling him a pussy so I guess it must be so. I do know that they have been more careful about locking up. I think the farmer even put handcuffs on the doors.
Fiver: Thank Eliearah we don’t live there anymore. I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that? All that fighting and arguing. It doesn’t seem like much fun.
Bigwig: Well some animals like that I suppose. In fact the black crow is always over there kawing at everyone. He keeps inviting everyone back to his nest but no one seems to want to go.
Fiver: Why not?
Bigwig: He says we just don’t understand. It’s a crow thing.
Hazel: Well I am glad we don’t have those problems over here in our new garden. Everybody gets along here. Even the old house cat that just sits in the sun peeing on himself. He is a lot tamer here than he was in the old warren.
Fiver: That’s true Hazel. I like our little garden. Everyone seems to get along……wait a minute….did you just pee yourself again? You have to stop drinking all day. It’s just not good for you.
(Watership Down, 1972)

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: I remember you Sir. Have you returned from the new warren?
Bigwig: No I will not be moving back here. You are well aware that I used to live in the warren here in the lady’s garden. But now I only come back to see what is going on and to avoid any trouble that might follow back to our new home. How goes it?
Hyzenthlay: Not well sir. It’s seems that the lady in the garden and her farmer friend have lost their minds.
Bigwig: What do you mean?
Hyzenthlay: Well do you know the big ant hill near the dung heap over by the barn.
Bigwig: Yes. What about it?
Hyzenthlay: Well it seem the farmer tripped and fell in it and disturbed and the ants got all crazy. They are swarming and making noise and running in and out of the anthill and it is really crazy. One seems to banging on a thimble like it is a drum and they are waving sticks and marching back and forth. They marched right up to the porch and are staying there and are refusing to leave.
Bigwig: But they are ants. Who cares about ants? They are insignificant. I mean you don’t want them at your picnic and all but who cares?
Hyzenthlay: Yes. I agree. But they seem to be very upset. The farmer took out his super 8 camera that he fished out of the neighbor’s trash to film everything in minute detail and the lady is yelling and screaming and scribbling notes like anything. She mostly writes about five letters and hour and puts them on her door. Yesterday she was screaming about napkins that people were leaving around. I didn’t see any napkins. Oh and they came from Texas for some reason. It is just too much now. She is just crying and carrying on like someone stole her carrots or something.
Bigwig: She can get crazy that way. Is she running around weeping in her underwear again?
Hyzenthlay: I am afraid so. She has scared all of the regulars out of the garden. The noisy blue jay has been gone for weeks and the grumpy badger doesn’t poke his head out of his hole more than once a week. The self involved crow and senile house cat are nowhere to be seen.
Bigwig: Are there any new people in the garden?
Hyzenthlay: Well there are always new people who wander in and out. There is slightly damaged squirrel with one leg who has been around. I think he is a pet of the lady or something because she seems to know him but doesn’t want to show it or let anyone else know it. He follows her around like she is a teacher or something. The only thing is that his fur is leaking or something so it looks like he got a dose of something bad and he wants everyone to catch it but it seems very skeevy and everyone is not interested.
Bigwig Wow things seem very lively. Oh no. She is running outside in her underwear again. I have seen enough. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig I will be back from time to time on patrol. I like to know what is going on. Hazel doesn’t like surprises. He will want to know. We might have to start passing out the sunglasses again. Nobody needs to see that.

Tales of Amys Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know you do I sir..
Bigwig: I used to live in the warren here in the lady’s garden. I noticed that some new rabbits moved in to our old warren. Where did you come from?
Hyzenthlay: From different places sir. We saw this empty warren and decided to live here. There are several of us..
Bigwig: I noticed. One of them seems to be sick or something. He talks in slang and insults all the other rabbit’s and their religion and everything. He doesn’t make a lot of sense. Sort of like Fiver when he is in a trance.
Hyzenthlay: Yes and one of our rabbits even traveled all the way from India. He is an Indian Rabbit and loves lecture to everyone!
Bigwig: Oh he must be the one with the dot in the middle of his forehead. He does seem to be very different from everyone and they all seem to yell at him a lot.
Hyzenthlay: Well sir many different types of rabbits have come to stay here.
Bigwig: That’s fine Hyzenthlay. Most of the rabbits that lived in the old warren have moved on. Along with the noisy gay blue jay. Even the self absorbed crow and that nasty old badger don’t go to the old warren all that much anymore. I am glad that new rabbits have moved in. Is the lady still as strange as she was when we lived there?
Hyzenthlay: Yes. She scares me. She is always walking around with these sticks on her feet. And she carries these poles with a pointy nail at the end. It could hurt a rabbit if she stuck you with it. And I think she likes to stick people. She laughs when they go ouch.
Bigwig: She can be cruel that way. You should be careful.
Hyzenthlay: What about the man who stays in her house. I think he is a farmer. Or at least someone with an unhealthy interest in potatoes.
Bigwig: He is ok. Just don’t interrupt it when they are not wearing any clothes on the porch and he stands behind her trying to push her off. At least I think that is what he is doing. He is always asking if she got off. He doesn’t like it when you interrupt him.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know. He scares me too sometimes. Lately he has been wearing this big yellow hat on his head. I know it sounds strange but it looks like a piece of cheese. And last Sunday he ran out on the porch and shouted at his neighbors. In fact everyone was on the porch shouting. Something important must have happened...
Bigwig I am sure it wasn’t important. Otherwise I would have heard about it. Well I have to go now. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig I will be back from time to time on patrol. I like to know what is going on. Hazel doesn’t like surprises.
.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening?
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No but this time it feels different. Sort of…..like a storm is brewing.
Bigwig: I know. It is coming from that garden across the way where we had the old warren.
Hazel: How do you know that? I have been on vacation and not paying attention.
Fiver: Rabbits go on vacation?
Hazel: Sure we do. We can’t be busy little bunnies all the time. But what is happening in the old warren.
Bigwig: Well Strawberry and I were on patrol because some of the rabbits have been talking about moving back over there. They felt like there was too much to do over here. If they were in the old warren they could just lay around and munch on what the crazy lady in the cottage left lying around.
Fiver: But didn’t most of the animals leave that garden. I know the grouchy badger and gay blue jay left.
Bigwig: No they are around every once in a while. But they are causing a lot of the ruckus. The blue jay got all upset because the farmer took a picture of him and put it on the bulletin board. And everyone that commented on it and wrote stuff and said he was fat. That made the blue jay screech and poop all over the place. In fact he pooped right on the farmers head one time and he did not like that. And the grouchy badger started a lot of trouble. With a ghost.
Hazel: A ghost? What could he do to a ghost?
Bigwig: Well it seems that the ghost liked to visit the garden once in a while and observe all the goings on. He would even leave a letter now and then. He was an old English ghost so it was in that old timey talk that nobody understands now. Like the constitution.
Hazel: What?
Bigwig: I know right? Anyway the grouchy old badger is a curmudgeon or misanthrope or something like that and he is very grouchy and said something nasty about the ghosts off spring or something. The mole that heard it all told me about it but I couldn’t understand it. You know those moles. They never get anything right. Their ears are always full of dirt. So now the ghost is angry and put a curse on the garden and the lady who owns it and the farmer who lives there with her and tries to push off the back of the porch from behind when they don’t wear any clothes. I think he curdled her milk or something. It’s all very scary.
Fiver: Thank Eliearah we don’t live there anymore. I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that? Pooping blue jays and angry ghosts.
Bigwig: Well some animals like that I suppose. In fact the black crow is always over there kawing at everyone. He keeps inviting everyone back to his nest but no one seems to want to go.
Fiver: Why not?
Bigwig: He says we just don’t understand. It’s a crow thing.
Hazel: Well that seems like a lot of excitement for a garden. I was glad I missed it all while I was on vacation. I just sat in the sun and peed on myself. It’s good to be old and tired. You don’t have to fight with everyone.
Fiver: That’s true Hazel. I like our little garden. Everyone seems to get along……wait a minute….did you just pee yourself again?
(Watership Down, 1972)

Tales of Amy's Garden.

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening?

Hazel: Is it dangerous?

Fiver: No but this time it feels different. Sort of…..like a storm is brewing.

Bigwig: I know. It is coming from that garden across the way where we had the old warren.

Hazel: How do you know that?

Bigwig: Well Strawberry and I were on patrol because some of the rabbits have been talking about moving back over there. They felt like there was too much to do over here. If they were in the old warren they could just lay around and munch on what the crazy lady in the cottage left lying around.

Fiver: But didn’t most of the animals leave that garden. I know the grouchy badger and gay blue jay left.

Bigwig: No they are around every once in a while. The blue jay likes to screech and poop in the garden and then insists that everyone admire it. And the grouchy badger pops out of his hole to say that everyone is stupid and then tries to sell them something but that doesn’t seem to work too well. But there are several other new residents in the garden.

Hazel: What kind of animals would go and eat her garbage?

Bigwig: Well there is this big black crow who is always trying to out caw everyone. He never stops saying that all of the other birds who are in a flock are bad and evil. He doesn’t like what age they are or something. He is a lone crow who won’t join a flock. And he never shuts up. The problem is he always sings the same song and it gets a little boring.
Hazel: What a strange duck.
Bigwig: He’s not a duck. He’s a crow. And there is another large tom turkey who is always gobbling so loud it sounds like he is shouting.
Fiver: Thank Eliearah we don’t live there anymore. I wouldn’t want to wade through garbage every day and listen to that noise?

Bigwig: Well some animals like that I suppose. In fact the black crow and the shouting tom turkey think they own the garden. They even attacked the farmer who lives with the crazy lady. They were flying around and pecking at him and making a big mess. But he was lucky.

Fiver: Why was he lucky?

Bigwig: Well he wasn’t naked like he usually is when he tries to push the lady in the garden off the back porch from behind. If he got pecked then….well he could have got hurt.

Fiver: Well then he just got a little battered.

Bigwig: Well he seems pretty tough. He has to be since that crazy lady likes to boss everyone around. But he seems to like it. But they did get a little marked up. Both the farmer and the crazy.

Hazel: Well that seems like a lot of excitement for a garden.

Fiver: That’s just it. I like our little garden. Everyone seems to get along.

(Watership Down, 1972)

Tales of Amy's Garden

Pipkin: [while all are digging in the rain] What's happening back home, I wonder? Think, when we lived in our old burrow? Dry, soft, warm bodies...
Dandelion: [to Hazel] Look, we can't go on like this. There is just too much to do. We can be lazy in the old burrow. Like rabbits should be.
Silver: It keeps getting worse and worse. No matter how much we dig nobody is happy. They just keep complaining that we don’t do enough. How many holes can we make in one day.
Hazel: It won't be much longer, then we can all rest. You know we have big plans. Once we get the burrow just right we will have a lot of help. I promise.
Silver: How MUCH longer?
Pipkin: We never should have left.
Blackberry: Suppose Fiver's all wrong? Suppose we should have stayed at the old burrow.
Pipkin: We want to go back and find out.
Hazel: Go back? After all we've been through? I don’t think so. I mean we can go for a visit but we don’t want to live there.
Bigwig: And probably get killed for wounding the feelings of the lady in the garden? And that farmer that lives there! He will be really mad if we try to munch on the lady’s lettuce. So to speak.
Hazel: Nobody wants to munch on her lettuce. Ewwww.
Dandelion:I don’t know this lady. What is she like?
Bigwig: It’s hard to describe. She likes to show off but then she gets mad when people talk about what she is doing. It’s hard to understand. She is not like rabbits. Rabbits just do it and don’t worry about who is watching. As long it is not elil.
Hazel: Yes it is true. She always sat around showing everything to everyone. That is why so many people would stop by. It is very crowded. Maybe it will be better for rabbits now. Well Bigwig, you can lead a patrol over there soon. Then we will know what to do.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Aren't you going to silflay?

Chervil: I already have sir.

Bigwig: Did you silflay in the designated area as per the regulations.Chervil: Yes sir. I went to designated corner to silflay and then buried it as per Section 29 Subparagraph 8 the proper disposal of Siflay pellets per se.

Blackavar: [Mumbles] You better believe it. He is a little butt boy following all the rules. Not like when were in the crazy ladies garden where you could wherever you wanted and let it lay around and fester…..[Chervil swipes at him to make him speak up, and he does]

Blackavar: I... I...I can’t take it anymore. This has to stop. Noboby silflay’s like normal rabbits. They can’t just squat and pinch a loaf everywhere and anywhere. It’s not like the old warren. There everyone took a dump whenever and wherever they wanted and that crazy lady never said anything. You could silflay all day and rock and roll all night and nobody cared. The badgers and the trolls and even the gay blue jays just pooped all over the place. It was a free for all. I know Chervil liked that. He hates to clean up after himself. He likes leaving droppings. He thinks people will examine them later and admire them. Even years later.[Chervil glares]

Bigwig. Well I hope you still don’t believe that Chervil. I have been leading patrols over to the old warren to clean up our mess. We want to leave that garden the way we found it. Strawberry and Floppy Ears and I have cleaned up most of your mess. We are almost finished. Nobody will ever know we were there.

Blackavar: Won’t the lady in the cottage notice? I mean she was always stepping in our silflay and getting it on her shoes. I mean she would laugh sometimes because it was so absurd that there were so many droppings. Won’t she notice?

Chervil: Yes my pellets were particularly memorable. They looked like pearls and didn’t even smell. Everyone admired them.

Bigwig: No she won’t notice. She doesn’t notice much actually. Or if she does notice she won’t understand what is going on. And that’s a good thing. She likes to have fun with the farmer who has moved in the house. Sometimes so much fun that she falls right asleep where ever she is. So it is a lot safer over there now. You see Hazel said we might move back there for a while. Or at least some of us. You know to look around. To see if it is safe for us rabbits.

Blackavar; Can I come with you and Strawberry on your next patrol Bigwig. I will be ever so good.

Bigwig: We'll see. Now finish your silflay like a good rabbit and lets go inside. I will let you know what the council decides.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No but this time it feels different. Sort of…..cheezy.
Bigwig: I know. It is coming from that garden across the way where we had the old warren.
Hazel: How do you know that?
Bigwig: Well Strawberry and I were on patrol and we heard the crazy lady screaming again like she used to do when we lived there. Calling people names and telling them what to do.
Fiver: But didn’t most of the animals leave that garden. I know the grouchy badger and gay blue jay left.
Bigwig: Well she seems to have a few new animals. You see she is very messy and leaves a lot of garbage out and they go and have a feast.
Hazel: What kind of animals would go and eat her garbage?
Bigwig: There are a lot of slugs. A couple of skunks. A muskrat or two. Oh and a weird little pet weasel she calls Bissage.
Hazel: What a strange collection.
Fiver: Thank Eliearah we don’t live there anymore. I wouldn’t want to wade through garbage every day.
Bigwig: Well some animals like that I suppose.
Fiver: But that doesn’t explain why it smells so cheesy.
Bigwig: Well the crazy lady seems to like cheese. I mean she has a lot of it in the garbage. Lots of wrappers and old cheese wiz cans.
Fiver: But that’s nothing new. She was always cheesy. Why do we have this terrible smell.
Bigwig: I think it is her friend that she has living with her now. You know the one we used to see trying to push her off the porch from behind when they weren’t wearing any clothes. You known the one she used to race down the hill on the garbage can lids. He is always sitting on the porch now.
Hazel: What does that have to do with anything.
Fiver: That’s just it. He just sits there all day and cuts the cheese.
(Watership Down, 1972)

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening.
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No it’s not danger, it's... oh, I don't know. It seems very slow and easy these days.
Bigwig: I know what it is. It’s the summer and everyone is on vacation.
Hazel: What’s a vacation?
Bigwig: I think it is when people leave their house and go away to relax. Like at the beach or the mountains.
Fiver: Why don’t rabbits ever get vacations?
Hazel: Well we have to work so hard to survive that we can’t take any time off or we will lose out. Every day we have to find some carrots or we will go hungry.
Bigwig: Maybe we can get the lady in the cottage to give us some carrots so we can rest. She seems a lot nicer than that other lady.
Hazel: But why would she help us? We are just rabbits after all.
Bigwig: I don’t know. But sometimes rabbits just have to rely on the kindness of strangers.
Hazel: Then we are screwed.

Tales of Kellys Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening.
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No it’s not danger, it's... oh, I don't know. It is very scary. We are all afraid since Flop Ears disappeared.
Bigwig: Hazel…Hazel( Bigwig hops up to the warren all out of breath)
Hazel: What is it Bigwig?
Bigwig: We’ve found Flop Ears. Kehaar found him.

Fiver: What? When was that?
Bigwig: Just a little while ago….look here he comes.(the black headed seagull glides into warren and stops with a couple of little hops)
Bigwig: Tell them Kehaar…tell them what you saw.
Kehaar: Kaw…Kaw…ya I see him…he is in cage.
Hazel: A cage? Oh my that is terrible. Did that mean lady in the garden capture him? She likes to torture rabbits you know.
Kehaar: Kaw…Kaw…Ne…Ikke…it was at hoytid…at fair.

Bigwig: It’s true. Kehaar was following someone and as he flew by he saw Flop Ears in a cage.
Hazel: Who were you following?
Kehaar: Follow tyyk man on two wheel machine….he always dropping food…better than garbage boat….he drop corn…so good…I swoop in but he can’t bend over…I steal corn…then I see rabbit in cage.
Fiver: We must rescue him. Who knows what they will do to him.
Bigwig: I don’t know Fiver. It will be very dangerous. There are many people…and cats.

Fiver: We must try. We can’t leave him. Can we Hazel?
Hazel: I don’t know Fiver. We can try. I will call for volunteers.
Bigwig: It will be very dangerous Hazel, are you sure?
Hazel: Well if we can survive flying wine bottles for two years anything’s possible.

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Bigwig: Aren't you going to silflay?
Chervil: I already have sir.
Bigwig: Did you silflay in the designated area as per the regulations.
Chervil: Yes sir. I went to designated corner to silflay and then buried it as per Section 29 Subparagraph 8 the proper disposal of Siflay pellets per se.
Blackavar: [Mumbles] You better believe it. He is a little butt boy following all the rules. Not like when were in the crazy ladies garden where you could wherever you wanted and let it lay around and fester…..
[Chervil swipes at him to make him speak up, and he does]
Blackavar: I... I...I can’t take it anymore. This has to stop. Noboby silflay’s like normal rabbits. They can’t just squat and pinch a loaf everywhere and anywhere. It’s not like the old warren. There everyone took a dump whenever and wherever they wanted and that crazy lady never said anything. You could silflay all day and rock and roll all night and nobody cared. The badgers and the trolls and even the gay blue jays just pooped all over the place. It was a free for all. I know Chervil liked that. He hates to clean up after himself. He likes leaving droppings. He thinks people will examine them later and admire them. Even years later.
[Chervil glares]
Bigwig. Well I hope you still don’t believe that Chervil. I have been leading patrols over to the old warren to clean up our mess. We want to leave that garden the way we found it. Strawberry and Floppy Ears and I have cleaned up most of your mess. We are almost finished. Nobody will ever know we were there.
Blackavar: Won’t the lady in the cottage notice? I mean she was always stepping in our silflay and getting it on her shoes. I mean she would laugh sometimes because it was so absurd that there were so many droppings. Won’t she notice?
Chervil: Yes my pellets were particularly memorable. They looked like pearls and didn’t even smell. Everyone admired them.
Bigwig: No she won’t notice. She doesn’t notice much actually. Or if she does notice she won’t understand what is going on. And that’s a good thing.

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening.

Hazel: Is it dangerous?

Fiver: No it’s not danger, it's... oh, I don't know. It seems like the lady in the cottage is very happy.

Bigwig: I know what it is. The lady in the cottage has some house guests.

Hazel: Who are they? Are they anyone famous? I love it when she has celebrities visit. Like that nice Will I Am. I hear he is but you can’t tell him or he will punch you in the face.

Bigwig: No I think it is her father who came to visit. She is very happy. She had a bunch of presents for him and made a big dinner. I think she said she was serving cool beans whatever that is. Anyway it is some big holiday.
Fiver: What holiday? It’s not Easter cause there are no chocolate bunnies or little marshmallow chickadees that the lady will puke out after having too much tequila.

Hazel: That was the other cottage where the lady was throwing up all the time. Maybe it is Arbor day?
Bigwig: No it’s called Father’s Day. That’s when you celebrate your father and have a big dinner and be nice to him even if you hate him all the rest of the year.

Hazel: Really, why would they do that?

Bigwig: I don’t know. But it seems that the moms usually get all the credit and the dads get one day a year so they have to enjoy it while it lasts. Oh and there is one other big thing.
Fiver: What’s that? Firecrackers? I hate firecrackers.

Bigwig: Presents. Your children give you lots and lots of presents. I think us rabbits should institute the same holiday. After all we all have children.

Hazel: That’s not even possible.
Bigwig: Why not?
Hazel: What the hell am I going to do with 2175 bottles of Old Spice?