They call me Lame Beaver....."

"Why do they call me Lame Beaver?"
"Because I like to lay on my buckskin rug instead of staying home and banging my wife Jeanie!"
"She definitely doesn't have a Lame Beaver."
"More of a tasty Beaver."

Hell Needs A PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people. We have the American Ambassador to Lybia.
Lucifer: Seriously Forcas nobody gives a shit about him. Don't be stupid what are you a Republican or something?

Forcas: My Dread Lord you there are no Republicans in Hell. We have the Macho Man.

Lucifer: HOLY SHIT RANDY SAVAGE IS HERE!  I love him. I especially loved when he did those three ways with Miss Elizabeth and the Grand Wizard of Wrestling. That was some sick shit right there let me tell you.

Forcas: No sire it is Hector Macho Camacho famous boxer and Puerto Rican.
Lucifer: Really? We can't use him. He sounds like that big-tited whore on Modern Family. Nobody is going to understand him. We ain't gonna use a PR until Geraldo gets here. Which will be pretty soon anyways. Who else do you have?
Forcas: We have that hot starlet Deborah Raffin who you whacked your bag to in the Seventies.
Lucifer: Really? Well I don't want to hear her talk. I have better uses for her mouth. Have her report to my room later with Marilyn and Clara Bow. We will be having a contest. Isn't there anyone else?

Forcas: Well we have the star of "I Dream of Jeanie" Larry Hagman.
Lucifer:  Major Nelson is here? Great. Show him in.

Larry Hagman: (an elderly man falls down the Shute hat over teakettle and lands on his liver as his big cowboy hat rolls across the floor) What the fuck.....where am I darlin'

Lucifer: You're in Hell Major Nelson. And Jeanie isn't here to stick her sweet titties in your face. Ha,ha,ha,ha!
Larry Hagman: Nobody has called me Major Nelson in years. Everybody thinks of me as JR Ewing rich Dallas douchebag.
Lucifer: In Hell you will always be known as Major Nelson. You see that was a better world when you played that on TV. Astronauts were hero's and they got hot girls to grant their every wish. It wasn't all about Metro-sexual greedy twats who wasted their money on nonsense. So here in Hell everyone will be calling you Major Nelson. Well except for Mary Martin. She can call you Son.

Larry Hagman: Wait a minute. My Mom is here in Hell?

Lucifer: Oh yeah she is here under the Sandy Duncan rule. Any sweet old lady or innocent seeming ingénue is destined to burn in the fiery pits of hell. We have Mary Martin, Helen Hayes, Ruth Gordon and Ellen Corby. Plus of course Molly Picon. They spend their time with Casanova,  Rudolph Valentino and Clark Gable refusing to have sex with them and driving them crazy. Except for the time they are getting butt fucked by Genghis Khan. So they are here all the time.

Larry Hagman: Well then what will I be doing in Hell?

Lucifer: Well I don't think you will be a good PA Announcer so I think you time would be best spent with Cowboys. Since you love your JR thing. Forcas? Take him over to the Dallas Cowboy wing so he can felch  Tom Landry while he talks about the old Days when he was lovers with Vince Lombardi while they were assistant coaches  with the Giants and got caught by Jim Lee Howell and sent into exile.

Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons grab Larry Hagman and drag him away to the fiery pits of Cowboy Football hell)

Lucifer: Well that's that. The good news is that we are starting to get TV stars from the sixties and seventies. That was my decades. I can't wait to see Kristy McNicol . Hee.  Forcas send Deborah Raffin to my room. I feel like getting my freak on.

Even with an ugly outfit

I still am looking good.

Comon. Smell under my arm. I know you want to.

You pervert you.

Peek a boo I see you!

I see you are doing pretty good in the poll.

So what do you think Tyrone?

I mean as RC said Jeanie has it goin' on. Just sayn'

But I might want to run for President someday!

"Hello Sid. It's Sammy. Look I can't make the gig tonight at the Fontibleau. Yeah something came up. I am out here with Tony Nelson. No not Tony Bennet. Tony Nelson. The astronaut. He set up something for me here. Yeah a three way. I mean a trio to play for the boys here on the base. You know I love the army guys. What....yeah air force. Whatever. Anyway I will see you tomorrow."
"Great let's go back to my house."
"Yes Master. Just one question?"
"Yes Jeanie?"
"What if I want to run for President someday?"
"That's funny Jeanie. A woman president. There's a better chance a black dude like me could get elected president. Never gonna happen."
"I guess you are right Mr. Davis. Let's go."
"Cool."

I am sorry Master!

"I thought you might like a xerox copy of my va-jay-jay while you were on your mission. Please don't be mad."
"I not mad Jeanie I am just disappointed."
"Why is that Major?"
'Because you shaved. Now I will be talking about this for the next forty years."

Stop staring at my Weenie.

"Stop staring at my weenie."
"Well it looks like it is going to burn."
"I hate it when my weenie burns.'
"Well you should stay away from those groupies Healy!"
"Can I touch it master."
"You can always touch my weenie."
"Thank you Master."

I Dream of Jeanie, E True Hollywood Story

The set of “I Dream of Jeannie” was a crazy place. Those astronauts were hard living guys. The fear of flying out into space on a rocket made by parts from the lowest bidder was enough to make anyone have a few drinks. Gus Grissom was always plastered and chasing the astronaut groupies. Scott Carpenter was always banging secretaries on the Golf Course. But Anthony Nelson had a case of the blue balls big time. Even though Jeannie was always wearing hot little outfits and calling him master she would never let him get it in. Now that was strange. I mean when I heard she was a girl who spent her time in the bottle I thought it was like Hollywood child stars and law professors from mediocre Midwestern colleges. You know they would always be drunk and goers. But Jeanie wasn’t like that. Tony was really frustrated. Until Jeanie’s little sister came to town.

You see she was a pig.

(Sidney Sheldon, I Dream of Jeanie, E True Hollywood Story)

Stop staring at my twat!

"Yes Master I have finished all my chores and your dinner is prepared."
"That's great Jeanie."
"Master?"
"Yes Jeanie?"
"One more thing?"
"Yes."
"Please stop staring at my twat."

I am sorry Master

"I am sorry Master. I will file these forms. But I have one question?"

"What's that Jeanie?"

"When do I get to take dick-tation?"

"Errrr hamana-hamana-hamana-urrrrpppphhhh!!!!!"

I only watch because of the story I swear.

The wife and I watched the "I Dream of Jeanie" episode with Sammy Davis Jr. tonight. It was great. Sammy sang a couple of songs including "The Girl from Ipanema."

Anyway we love sixties sitcoms. Not least because we are checking out the clothes. They are great for getting ideas.

Check out these three dresses. Only one of them is a possibility in plus. Guess which one?

Hey set the DVR to TVLand tonight!

There is a classic episode of "I Dream of Jeanie" with Sammy Davis Jr.

Oh and one thing.

Sammy......stop staring at her tits.

Holy Moley I hit the wrong photo! Here's the real Palate Cleanser.

Sorry. Here's the real palate cleanser.

Oh.

And stop staring at her tits.

Yes sweetie I am Jeanie!

"Yes sweetie I am Jeanie."
"So nice to meet you. Where is Major Nelson."
"Oh we got divorced years ago. I think he is living in Ohio with some chickens and a doberman. Oh and sweetie stop staring at my tits."
"Oh I am not. I was just checking out your shoes."
"I know. So stop staring at my tits."

Yes I have a big instrument.

"Yes I have a big instrument."
"I would love to learn how to play. I would play it for my Master. Could you teach me?"
"Of course I would. You can learn how to play it. How to strum it. Even how to pluck."
"Oh and one more thing."
"Anything Jeanie."
"Stop staring at my tits."

Yes it's a cake!

"It looks delicious."
"Yes I whipped it up for my master."
"Well I hope he appreciates how tasty it looks."
"I am talking about the cake sister. Stop staring at my tits!"

Have you been drinking again?

Have you been drinking again?

Well of course the photo looks wrong. You can't drink and blog. Or drink and comment.
Seriously. Cut it out.

Hello Master. Do you like my frock?

"Hello Master. Do you like my frock?"
"Errr yes Jeanie. I do like to frock....I mean I do like your frock."
"It's orange. I know you like orange. Since we live in Florida. Master, I have a question?"
"What's that Jeanie?"
"Are you what they call an Alpha male."
"Well Jeanie I am afraid that when you are around you turn your Master into a Beta."
"Oooooohhhhh MMMMMMaaaassssssttttterrrrrr!!!!"

So Captain Burke what can I do for you?

"So Captain Burke what can I do for you?"

"Well I am investigate the theft of a tablecloth from an Italian restaurant. Would you know anything about that."

"What you are talking about my shirt? It's blue gingham not red tablecloth. You should have detected that since you have staring at it since you came in the door."

"Oh I wasn't staring at that. Just at a couple of other points of contention. As it where."

"That's OK Captain. I love it when men look. It is what they should do. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. I just want to find a man a can call my Master."

"Maybe some day my dear, maybe some day."