Hell Needs A PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people. We have the American Ambassador to Lybia.
Lucifer: Seriously Forcas nobody gives a shit about him. Don't be stupid what are you a Republican or something?

Forcas: My Dread Lord you there are no Republicans in Hell. We have the Macho Man.

Lucifer: HOLY SHIT RANDY SAVAGE IS HERE!  I love him. I especially loved when he did those three ways with Miss Elizabeth and the Grand Wizard of Wrestling. That was some sick shit right there let me tell you.

Forcas: No sire it is Hector Macho Camacho famous boxer and Puerto Rican.
Lucifer: Really? We can't use him. He sounds like that big-tited whore on Modern Family. Nobody is going to understand him. We ain't gonna use a PR until Geraldo gets here. Which will be pretty soon anyways. Who else do you have?
Forcas: We have that hot starlet Deborah Raffin who you whacked your bag to in the Seventies.
Lucifer: Really? Well I don't want to hear her talk. I have better uses for her mouth. Have her report to my room later with Marilyn and Clara Bow. We will be having a contest. Isn't there anyone else?

Forcas: Well we have the star of "I Dream of Jeanie" Larry Hagman.
Lucifer:  Major Nelson is here? Great. Show him in.

Larry Hagman: (an elderly man falls down the Shute hat over teakettle and lands on his liver as his big cowboy hat rolls across the floor) What the fuck.....where am I darlin'

Lucifer: You're in Hell Major Nelson. And Jeanie isn't here to stick her sweet titties in your face. Ha,ha,ha,ha!
Larry Hagman: Nobody has called me Major Nelson in years. Everybody thinks of me as JR Ewing rich Dallas douchebag.
Lucifer: In Hell you will always be known as Major Nelson. You see that was a better world when you played that on TV. Astronauts were hero's and they got hot girls to grant their every wish. It wasn't all about Metro-sexual greedy twats who wasted their money on nonsense. So here in Hell everyone will be calling you Major Nelson. Well except for Mary Martin. She can call you Son.

Larry Hagman: Wait a minute. My Mom is here in Hell?

Lucifer: Oh yeah she is here under the Sandy Duncan rule. Any sweet old lady or innocent seeming ingénue is destined to burn in the fiery pits of hell. We have Mary Martin, Helen Hayes, Ruth Gordon and Ellen Corby. Plus of course Molly Picon. They spend their time with Casanova,  Rudolph Valentino and Clark Gable refusing to have sex with them and driving them crazy. Except for the time they are getting butt fucked by Genghis Khan. So they are here all the time.

Larry Hagman: Well then what will I be doing in Hell?

Lucifer: Well I don't think you will be a good PA Announcer so I think you time would be best spent with Cowboys. Since you love your JR thing. Forcas? Take him over to the Dallas Cowboy wing so he can felch  Tom Landry while he talks about the old Days when he was lovers with Vince Lombardi while they were assistant coaches  with the Giants and got caught by Jim Lee Howell and sent into exile.

Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons grab Larry Hagman and drag him away to the fiery pits of Cowboy Football hell)

Lucifer: Well that's that. The good news is that we are starting to get TV stars from the sixties and seventies. That was my decades. I can't wait to see Kristy McNicol . Hee.  Forcas send Deborah Raffin to my room. I feel like getting my freak on.