Remembrance of Things Pabst

When I had everyone over for dinner on Thanksgiving we needed something for everyone to watch. The kids didn't want to watch any horror shows so I couldn't let them watch the Jets. I mean there was no way I could let them watch the Washington game as my father-in-law would be yelling about how they let a black guy ruin Washington. Even thought he played pretty good yesterday. So after the parade was over I put on the DVR of the Kitchen Nightmares with "Mama Marias."

Now the funny thing is that I had taken them to eat there and they had enjoyed it. They couldn't believe what they saw on the show. All of the stuff from the freezer freaked them out. I told them that none of the restaurants they eat in are any different.. Everything comes from the freezer. But they didn't want to hear it and said they would never go there again.

I feel really bad. I like John and want to support him as he tries to come back from this debacle. But the wife absolutely refuses to go back so I can't go there for dinner. So what I decided to do is when I snuck out for lunch I would go to the pizza store and throw him a couple of bucks. I mean why not.

So I get there and the reason why he is floundering is right in front of my face. First of all the Chinese mailman guy is sitting there drinking a glass of water and bullshitting with the Mexican guy at the pizza oven. He is one lazy prick. I think he throws the mail down the sewer and just hangs out in the pizza store. Luckily he is not my mailman so I don't have to sweat it. Plus the mail and UPS guys are extra nice now because Christmas is coming up. But still. Why is this douchenozzle taking up a table when there are only six tables on the pizza store side.

Four of the tables are already taken up. One has the mailman. Another has two dudes who were there the whole time I was with two empty paper plates so they must have enjoyed one slice and decided to sit and talk there for the next hour. Another was the Chinese immigrant lady who goes up and down Court St and tries to sell bootleg DVD's for five bucks. She is sitting and waiting for the Mexican Pizza guy to buy his copy of Total Recall. The fourth one has one of the busboys eating his lunch. So I go and stake a claim to a dirty table so at least I have a place to sit. I get a couple of slices and a grape drink and sit down to read the paper while I eat. Another old guy comes in and gets a slice and sits down. Then it happens.

A couple of hipster douches come in and order a slice a piece. They try to pay with a credit card but the counter guy tells them there is a ten dollar minimum. They freak out. You see it seems like all the douches pay with a credit or debit card. Guys in the bodega get a coffee and a pack of gum and pay with a card. I mean they pay the fuckin taxi with a credit card. So these douches don't want to hear it. A big fight ensuses and they storm out without their pizza. They won't be back. Another customer lost. Just as well as there was nowhere for them to sit.

But Paco got his copy of "Total Recall."

This joint has a new catchphrase. "I won't be back."

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Just sayn'