Friday, November 30, 2012

Cold Days are good days!

 

The new Harry Dresden Novel is out and it is called "Cold Days.'

It is pretty good. After the last novel where Harry was killed and came back from the dead it was pretty hard to come up with something but he did. In this novel Harry becomes the "Winter Knight" of the Fairie kingdom of Winter and has a bunch of adventures. Including a fight to the death with Santa Clause.

So it is highly recommended.

It's all there in black and white



"Hello Trey, I have been waiting for you. It has been awhile."
"I am here Selina. You look comfortable."
"Yes well I am. In my wicker chair. Under my blanket. But not all of me. You see I do not have any pants on Trey. You can just lift up the blanket to see. I just got shaved. Not all the way. I know you like a natural woman. I just had a landing strip made. Why are you turning blue Trey?"
 "Hamana, hamana, hamana, uuuurrrrpppphhhhh!!!!"
 "Oh Trey you are so silly. Why not take out your little plane and bring into the landing strip. What kind of plane do you have. A fighter. A bomber. Or is it a bi-plane. Because if it is I can have the McMurphy or the Indian join us. They are up for it....Trey...Trey.....please get up off the floor. This is getting old."

Whose that author?



It was always a mistake to generalize; but, dear God, security guards were dumb.

Grinnell spotted him two steps inside the door, browsing the Japanese Animation racks in a Hawaiian shirt with the tail out over his sidearm, khaki slacks, and clod-buster black oxfords, the kind whose soles formed a lip all around with white stitching to make the feet that wore them look even bigger. He never stooped even once to look at the videos on the lower shelves, saving his energy to pretend to read the descriptions on the boxes he took off the top. He wore a bar of black moustache as thick as his thumb and his hair looked as if he cut it himself. He might as well have been wearing a uniform.


The layout was identical to all the other stores in the chain, a case man's dream. It had separate doors for entering and exiting, the latter charged with a magnetic field to set off an alarm when a customer tried to sneak Free Willy out unchecked, and a blind room in back where they displayed the porn. Two employees stood inside the hollow square of the counter while a third restocked the racks, carefully avoiding conversation with the security lunk. Midnight closing was ten minutes away and only a few customers prowled the store. The locustlike Saturday-night crowd had swept through more than two hours earlier, scooping up New Releases by the armload and cracking twenties and fifties into two cash registers. Now the gold dust had settled. Even the monitors narrowcasting annoying trailers for Adam Sandler and Austin Powers were switched off.

Showtime.

Whose those girlies?



Now these two lovelies are frequent visitors to Trooper York and you get to guess who they are in real life.

One is all-american and the other is a brit. Both were really big in the sixties when this photo was taken and they were in the first blush of youth!

Whose those girlies?


Mr Aaron Rodgers neighborhood.



So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?


Hi neighbors!
It has been a terrible weekend for your friend Mr Aaron Rodgers. I was stepped on by a bunch of Giants and they were very mean to me and my neighbors. They scored so many points and knocked me down on my coolie and I am very sore. Don't you hate when you have a sore coolie. I know I do. Especially if I have been bad. And I have never been as bad as I was this week.

Those big blue meanies just threw me around. They even pulled on my Mustache. You would think they would have some respect.

Oh well! I won't have to see them until we get to the playoffs. If we get to the playoffs.

Anyway I have to go. I have to cheer up Elmo because they man who they had stick his hand up his butt got fired. I might just have to do it to cheer him up!
 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Car 54 where are you!


So we had a lot of excitement today. We were home working on some email stuff while the new maid was working in the house. We couldn't leave her alone since we just met her so we were hanging around while she cleaned. So our one employee was by herself.

Now she is the crunchy granola vegetarian hipster girl who is the only one we have left after the massive firings due to the thefts that we were having. I tell her to keep the door locked and only let in people who look respectable if I am not there. So of course she has to let in this guy. Let's call him a Canadian. Now she doesn't want to be considered a racist so she lets this Canadian in. He tries to confuse her. Takes a card. asks about the price of a pocket book. Gets her to turn around. And steals her I-phone off of the counter.

Now she doesn't notice this till a couple of hours later. She tells me about this guy when we come in and how weird he was. I told her not to let Canadians in but she didn't listen. Then she goes looking for her phone and realizes that he stole it. Hilarity ensuses.

We call the precient to ask that they send someone over to get the report. You see we went to the videotape and we have a tape of his face and the actual theft where you see him take it off the table. We then trace the I-phone. The douche turned it on and was in an address that we found on Google maps that we took a screenshot of to verify where he was at that moment with the phone. I keep calling to ask when the cops are gonna show up. They come two hours later. First a dumpy team of a Spanish dude and an Indian chick come in to take the report. I tell them I have a tape that I show them and tell they we know where the guy is right now. They don't care. They finally agree to call for a sergeant who comes in and four other cops come in as well. They don't care either. They tell us that they will pass it on to the detectives who will call us in a couple of days.

I say "Look I am handing you guys an easy collar. You have a tape of the guy commiting the crime and the address where he was a few hours ago. And you aren't going to do anything?" Yep. They shrugged.

So when the granola girl goes to get the police report I am going to go with her and ask to talk to the Captain. Not that is gong to matter. But you have to say something.

To be continued.

Monday, November 26, 2012

What if?

Lady Chatterley's love accidentally sent you a copy of the sex tape he made with the blogger lady?

What if?

If having your period was actually as bad as women make it seem when they are having PMS?

What if?

Joyce DeWitt actually dressed the way you saw her in your mind when you were watching "Three's Company?"

What if?

You had to stand in line at the bank in front of Vince Edwards.

Would you nipples get hard?

It's all there in black and white

"Why are you sitting like that Selina?"
"Oh I just wanted to give you a good look Trey. You know you like to look at my legs."
"Well they are very nice Selina but this is not professional."
"I know Trey so don't look at them. Look between them where a thin line of cotton leotard barely covers the lips of my sweet, sweet vagin......err....why are you turning blue Trey?"
"Hamana, hamana, hamana, uuuurrrrpppphhhhh!!!!"
"Oh Trey you are so silly. Let me get the paddles. I know I left them somewhere."

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Gratuitious bathtub scene: Nd is sad about his Packers



So he adjourned to his bath with a few close friends.

Buck up little soldier.


Panda Sex with Charles Buk...err .... I'm Lion!

Earliest morning, switching all the tracks
that cross the sky from cinder star to star,
coupling the ends of streets
to trains of light.

now draw us into daylight in our beds;
and clear away what presses on the brain:
put out the neon shapes
that float and swell and glare

down the gray avenue between the eyes
in pinks and yellows, letters and twitching signs.
Hang-over moons, wane, wane!
From the window I see

an immense city, carefully revealed,
made delicate by over-workmanship,
detail upon detail,
cornice upon facade,

reaching up so languidly up into
a weak white sky, it seems to waver there.
(Where it has slowly grown
in skies of water-glass

from fused beads of iron and copper crystals,
the little chemical "garden" in a jar
trembles and stands again,
pale blue, blue-green, and brick.)

The sparrows hurriedly begin their play.
Then, in the West, "Boom!" and a cloud of smoke.
"Boom!" and the exploding ball
of blossom blooms again.

(And all the employees who work in a plants
where such a sound says "Danger," or once said "Death,"
turn in their sleep and feel
the short hairs bristling

on backs of necks.) The cloud of smoke moves off.
A shirt is taken of a threadlike clothes-line.
Along the street below
the water-wagon comes

throwing its hissing, snowy fan across
peelings and newspapers. The water dries
light-dry, dark-wet, the pattern
of the cool watermelon.

I hear the day-springs of the morning strike
from stony walls and halls and iron beds,
scattered or grouped cascades,
alarms for the expected:

queer cupids of all persons getting up,
whose evening meal they will prepare all day,
you will dine well
on his heart, on his, and his,

so send them about your business affectionately,
dragging in the streets their unique loves.
Scourge them with roses only,
be light as helium,

for always to one, or several, morning comes
whose head has fallen over the edge of his bed,
whose face is turned
so that the image of

the city grows down into his open eyes
inverted and distorted. No. I mean
distorted and revealed,
if he sees it at all.

Dash it all Miss Moneypenny



"Take it out James."
"What do you mean Moneypenny?"
"Take it out and put it in my hand. I will show you what I can do with it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Well during the war I learned a lot of things."
"I bet you did."
"Yes quite. It was a hand to mouth existence. So to speak."
"I like how you think Moneypenny."

Palate cleanser



Sorry about that.

I think you need a palate cleanser.

Angie. On a scooter.

How I envy that vespa.

Deep Thoughts.....By Titus



I like all the people I used to fight with at the other place.
They are very nice.
Most of the time.

Some more than others.
They would get mad at me and say mean things.

Especially Palladian he was a big old meanie
and he hurt my feelings sometimes.

But there was something I liked about him
even if I can't put my finger on it.

tits.

Marilyn's Diary


It was very difficult for me to lie to my Aunt Lily. You see she had been very kind to me. She took me in when my parents were killed in that unfortunate incident in the old country with the villagers with the torches and pitchforks. She tried to act like a mother to me. Or at least as much as a vampire/succubus could be motherly. You know sort of like Big Kathy Hilton.

After a while she started to catch on. You see Uncle Herman was bascilly an honest monster and he found it hard to hide the fact that we were having hot monkey sex all the time. So sometimes he would make a remark or do something at the dinner table that would make Aunt Lily look at him askance. Then she would keep closer track of him and not go out at night to feed on the dezians of Sunset Blvd.

That was the worst.

You see Uncle Herman couldn't come to my room. I was devastated. You see once I had tasted sex I couldn't get enough of it. I had to have it all the time. So Uncle Herman came up with a solution.

You see since he was made up of spare parts everything was detachable. He would detach his penis and give it to me to pleasure myself with when he couldn't come to my room. He would place it in the breakfast platter of sausages and hand it down the table and I would slip it under my dress. I don't know if Aunt Lilly ever caught on.

But ever since then whenever I hear a Jimmy Dean song I get wet.

ee cummings on Abe Vigoda



in spite of everything
which breathes and moves,since Doom
(with white longest hands
neatening each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds

-before leaving my room
i turn,and(stooping
through the morning)kiss
this pillow,dear
where our heads lived and were.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Old series that got left behind



Like our camel toe corner.

Of course now it has become an Olympic event.

But we want to keep our amateur standing.

Old series that got left behind.....



Like gratuitous bathtub scences.

I don't know why I left them behind.

So to speak.

Commentor Memories Number 163 Walking the Rented Dog




Sometimes you have to send your hubby off to walk the rented dog.

It's what the elitists do doncha know.

Deep Thoughts.....by Titus



I think about tits all the time.
Bouncy pointy tits.
I always love to look at them.
I love them.
Big ones.
Droopy Ones.
Little ones big enough for a champagne glass.

I just love to look at tits.

But sometimes I think
They are looking back at me.

Oh the horror.

Tits

Commentor Memories Number 162:Dust Bunny Queen Goes on Spring Break

But her Dad made her wear her porcupine pants in case any of the caballeros got feisty.

Whose that girl?



Star of seventies and eighties TV she was recently in the News. She did a bunch of TV movies and mini-series but became more famous as the star of some comericals in China.

I would love to give you more clues but once is more than enough.

Whose that girl?

Hell Needs A PA Announcer




Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people. We have the American Ambassador to Lybia.
Lucifer: Seriously Forcas nobody gives a shit about him. Don't be stupid what are you a Republican or something?
Forcas: My Dread Lord you there are no Republicans in Hell. We have the Macho Man.
Lucifer: HOLY SHIT RANDY SAVAGE IS HERE!  I love him. I especially loved when he did those three ways with Miss Elizabeth and the Grand Wizard of Wrestling. That was some sick shit right there let me tell you.
Forcas: No sire it is Hector Macho Camacho famous boxer and Puerto Rican.
Lucifer: Really? We can't use him. He sounds like that big-tited whore on Modern Family. Nobody is going to understand him. We ain't gonna use a PR until Geraldo gets here. Which will be pretty soon anyways. Who else do you have?
Forcas: We have that hot starlet Deborah Raffin who you whacked your bag to in the Seventies.
Lucifer: Really? Well I don't want to hear her talk. I have better uses for her mouth. Have her report to my room later with Marilyn and Clara Bow. We will be having a contest. Isn't there anyone else?
Forcas: Well we have the star of "I Dream of Jeanie" Larry Hagman.
Lucifer:  Major Nelson is here? Great. Show him in.
Larry Hagman: (an elderly man falls down the Shute hat over teakettle and lands on his liver as his big cowboy hat rolls across the floor) What the fuck.....where am I darlin'
Lucifer: You're in Hell Major Nelson. And Jeanie isn't here to stick her sweet titties in your face. Ha,ha,ha,ha!
Larry Hagman: Nobody has called me Major Nelson in years. Everybody thinks of me as JR Ewing rich Dallas douchebag.
Lucifer: In Hell you will always be known as Major Nelson. You see that was a better world when you played that on TV. Astronauts were hero's and they got hot girls to grant their every wish. It wasn't all about Metro-sexual greedy twats who wasted their money on nonsense. So here in Hell everyone will be calling you Major Nelson. Well except for Mary Martin. She can call you Son.
Larry Hagman: Wait a minute. My Mom is here in Hell?
Lucifer: Oh yeah she is here under the Sandy Duncan rule. Any sweet old lady or innocent seeming ingénue is destined to burn in the fiery pits of hell. We have Mary Martin, Helen Hayes, Ruth Gordon and Ellen Corby. Plus of course Molly Picon. They spend their time with Casanova,  Rudolph Valentino and Clark Gable refusing to have sex with them and driving them crazy. Except for the time they are getting butt fucked by Genghis Khan. So they are here all the time.
Larry Hagman: Well then what will I be doing in Hell?
Lucifer: Well I don't think you will be a good PA Announcer so I think you time would be best spent with Cowboys. Since you love your JR thing. Forcas? Take him over to the Dallas Cowboy wing so he can felch  Tom Landry while he talks about the old Days when he was lovers with Vince Lombardi while they were assistant coaches  with the Giants and got caught by Jim Lee Howell and sent into exile.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons grab Larry Hagman and drag him away to the fiery pits of Cowboy Football hell)
Lucifer: Well that's that. The good news is that we are starting to get TV stars from the sixties and seventies. That was my decades. I can't wait to see Kristy McNicol . Hee.  Forcas send Deborah Raffin to my room. I feel like getting my freak on.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Big game this Sunday



Ndspinelli is getting all hopped up about the big game this Sunday.

It is an important game. But it is not the Championship Game. So the Packers have a shot. But not too much of one.

It will be fun to hear the excuses on Monday morning.

Hee.

Whose that author?




“We are not going to die."

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?"

No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.

Old porn never goes out of style.




Time Warner cable is having a promotion and they are giving "Showtime" for free for six months. So I signed up for it and don't you know one of my favorite comedians has a great new show.

Dave Attell is a maniac who was the star of one my favorite shows back in the day “Insomniac with Dave Attell." In it he would go to a city and stay up all night drinking and going to joints until the sun comes up. I mean he was always wasted and went to after hours clubs and bars but he also went to places like a waste processing plant and a crematorium and shit and it was hilarious. He would just make jokes and bust peoples balls and half the time they didn't know what he was talking about while he was drunk. You know. Basically how I like to lead my life.

Now he has a show called "Dave's Old Porn." In it he watches old classic porn from the seventies with the actual stars like Ron Jeremy and Nina Hartley and comedians like Dave Tosh and Whitney Cummings. They comment and make fun of it and laugh and it is like Mystery Science Theater 3000. With blowjobs. It is hilarious.

You have to check out next week where "Aunt Peg" is on and talks about her performance in "Taboo" as well as her new life as a law professor somewhere in the Middle West. It's a hoot.

Check it out.

Deep thoughts.....by TItus



I love Thanksgiving.

coming home to Wisconsin with my hindu hubby.

drinking eggnog that looks so much like sploog.

But most of all I love the Macy's parade.

Especailly when Spiderman felches the Travelocity Gnome.

tits.

ee cummings on Abe Vigoda!



between the breasts
of bestial
Marj lie large
men who praise

Marj's cleancornered strokable
body these men's
fingers toss trunks
shuffle sacks spin kegs they

curl
loving
around
beers

the world has
these men's hands but their
bodies big and boozing
belong to

Marj
the greenslim purse of whose
face opens
on a fatgold

grin
hooray
hoorah for the large
men who lie

between the breasts
of bestial Marj
for the strong men
who

sleep between the legs of Lil

Remembrance of Things Pabst


When I had everyone over for dinner on Thanksgiving we needed something for everyone to watch. The kids didn't want to watch any horror shows so I couldn't let them watch the Jets. I mean there was no way I could let them watch the Washington game as my father-in-law would be yelling about how they let a black guy ruin Washington. Even thought he played pretty good yesterday. So after the parade was over I put on the DVR of the Kitchen Nightmares with "Mama Marias."

Now the funny thing is that I had taken them to eat there and they had enjoyed it. They couldn't believe what they saw on the show. All of the stuff from the freezer freaked them out. I told them that none of the restaurants they eat in are any different.. Everything comes from the freezer. But they didn't want to hear it and said they would never go there again.

I feel really bad. I like John and want to support him as he tries to come back from this debacle. But the wife absolutely refuses to go back so I can't go there for dinner. So what I decided to do is when I snuck out for lunch I would go to the pizza store and throw him a couple of bucks. I mean why not.

So I get there and the reason why he is floundering is right in front of my face. First of all the Chinese mailman guy is sitting there drinking a glass of water and bullshitting with the Mexican guy at the pizza oven. He is one lazy prick. I think he throws the mail down the sewer and just hangs out in the pizza store. Luckily he is not my mailman so I don't have to sweat it. Plus the mail and UPS guys are extra nice now because Christmas is coming up. But still. Why is this douchenozzle taking up a table when there are only six tables on the pizza store side.

Four of the tables are already taken up. One has the mailman. Another has two dudes who were there the whole time I was with two empty paper plates so they must have enjoyed one slice and decided to sit and talk there for the next hour. Another was the Chinese immigrant lady who goes up and down Court St and tries to sell bootleg DVD's for five bucks. She is sitting and waiting for the Mexican Pizza guy to buy his copy of Total Recall. The fourth one has one of the busboys eating his lunch. So I go and stake a claim to a dirty table so at least I have a place to sit. I get a couple of slices and a grape drink and sit down to read the paper while I eat. Another old guy comes in and gets a slice and sits down. Then it happens.

A couple of hipster douches come in and order a slice a piece. They try to pay with a credit card but the counter guy tells them there is a ten dollar minimum. They freak out. You see it seems like all the douches pay with a credit or debit card. Guys in the bodega get a coffee and a pack of gum and pay with a card. I mean they pay the fuckin taxi with a credit card. So these douches don't want to hear it. A big fight ensuses and they storm out without their pizza. They won't be back. Another customer lost. Just as well as there was nowhere for them to sit.

But Paco got his copy of "Total Recall."

This joint has a new catchphrase. "I won't be back."

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Just sayn'

Michael H has his say....



Michael H tells us about his Thanksgiving.....

Michael H said...
Mary and I took the old man to dinner. His favorite Chinese place was closed, as were the second and third places we tried. When did Chinese restaurants start closing on holidays?

We found a nice diner that was open. God love the Greek restauranteurs, they never sleep. Maybe that's why they all look ready for the coronary ICU at any moment.

We were seated and a nice waitress asked if we wanted coffee. The old man said "Is your coffee good? I haven't got much time left and I'm not drinking any more lousy coffee." She came back with three cups and a freshly brewed pot.

The turkey dinners were pretty good. We had plenty to take home. Gravy was served in a cup on one side of the plate. The old man took a spoonful and said "What the hell's wrong with this pudding?" "It's gravy, John" said Mary. He said "I know, I know, I'm just teasing." Maybe he was, who knows?

The food perked him up and it became stream-of-conscience time. Some of the jewels:

"Culver's is a successful restaurant chain because they figured out onions. They put red onions on their burgers and that makes them taste better."

"There's too damn many grocery stores. And they're all too big. Some of 'em are going to go bankrupt, count on it."

"My parents grew everything they needed. Some years during the Depression my pop made only $600, but they paid off their house, canned their own meat and vegetables, made wine and liquor, sewed clothes and made soap. I check out at the grocery store yesterday and it was fifty five bucks. How the hell did my folks make it?"

"Your sister called and wanted to come over for a visit. I told her I wasn't feeling good. Truth is, she comes over and doesn't stop talking. She starts talking and an hour later I still don't know what the hell she's talking about. She's like a radio station - she sends but she doesn't receive."

"They ripped out and replaced the parking lot at the apartment where I live. I watched the whole thing. They were gettin' ready to put in the new blacktop and I walked out to the middle of it with my cane. The gravel was too soft. It didn't feel right. The foreman came over and said "What the hell are you doing?" I told him my cane was actually a penetrometer and I'm getting a reading of maybe 1800 PSI and you know damn well you need 2100 PSI or this thing'll be full of cracks and potholes next year. He told me to get back to the sidewalk, but he had a roller come back over it one more time. I watched."

We took him home, drove through the park on the way, then walked him into his apartment and stayed a while. Afterwards, Mary and I were quiet on the ride back to our place.

"How long?" she finally asked. "I don't know. Tomorrow, Christmas, Easter, no one knows, including his MD who said" 'Labor Day' last spring." "Well, that's not much different than the rest of is, isn't it? You never know."

You never know. I think that's one reason why Thanksgiving is such a great holiday. People scramble to get home, braving clogged airports and highways, bad weather, annoying relatives and everything else that goes with the holiday. You have to go home once a year and see everyone, have a meal, tell stories and jokes, coo over the babies, fuss over the elderly and remember the departed because you just never know.



Thanks Michael. Time is short. You have to enjoy your family when you can. I hope you can enjoy some more memories with you Dad and he can defy the experts. You never know. All the best to you and the family.

And to all of the famlies you visit us here at Trooper York.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!

I had a crazy couple of days. As you know I am down to one employee and we are scrambling to do everything we have to do this holiday season. We seem to be finishing projects that have been hanging fire for weeks and months and years all in a couple of days.

Our dishwasher has been broken for about two years and we couldn't replace it. We had built up the floor of our apartment because of the terrible slope of the sinking foundation of the extension where our kitchen is located. Of course we said "This is great but if our dishwasher breaks we are fucked." Well it broke about two years ago and we never got a chance to get it fixed. You see we had to take off the counter top to be able to pull up the dishwasher out of the hole it was in to replace it. We finally got a guy who could do it for a reasonable amount so we had the job done this week. Wouldn't you know it that it wasn't done completely. He installed it and it seemed to work fine. But the second time we used it the freaking thing didn't drain. So he has to come and fix it again. We wanted it for Thanksgiving so we used it and bailed the water. It seems that nothing can be done the right way the first time anymore.

Then we had a new maid starting this week. She speaks very little English but she seems industrious. Of course the wife had to stay home to direct her and keep an eye on her which meant that I had to do everything else in the store while she was away. So she was at home getting the house ready for Thanksgiving as we were having the family over for the holiday.

Thank left everything else to me.

I had to hit all the stores and get all the supplies as well as prepare the menu and all the food. Don't get me wrong because I love to do it. It is just exhausting. I had to go to about ten stores because you can't everything in one place. One joint has the good cold cuts  and another has the right pastry and another has the good bread and still another has the vegetable you need to make the meal correctly. Hitting all of the stores and running back to the Valise to help sell and cover the shift really knocked me on my ass.

The day was a big success. I made a big old fashioned sauce with meatballs and sausage and a gravy round. Also ravoli's. An anti pasto to start. Stuffed mushrooms. Brussel Sprouts in Bacon and white balsamic vinegar. Rice balls. Prosciutto Balls. Potato croquets. Cakes and pastries. My sister in law brought a turkey but the kids went for all the guinea food as always. The wife had a lot of fun playing with her nieces and nephews and best of all they went home early. Yeah.

So I am beat.

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend to all of youse.


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Whose that author?



“Hablo español bien.”
The Spanish looked at each other again, clearly surprised.
Keeping to their language, John continued: “Besides, I doubt St. Isidore’s is closed to me.”
“And who are you?”
John produced his travel papers and a copy of his commission. “I am Lord John O’Neill, the third earl of Tyrone, Colonel of tercio O’Neill under Archduchess Isabella of the Spanish Low Countries. Etcetera etcetera etcetera. But most important, I am an old friend and student of Padre Luca. Whom I wish to see.”
Again the Spanish looked at each other. One more time, John thought, and it wouldn’t even make for a good comedy routine, anymore. “Is he expecting you?” one of them finally asked.
“I don’t really know,” John lied with a smile. “A letter was sent, but delivery is a little uncertain these days.” He gestured at the skyline; the tattered silhouettes of burnt buildings, and their pervasive smell, were unmistakable.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend





Toot’s Shors Saloon, May  31, 1962 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a mackerel that has been dead for quite some time)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie you know But I told you that already. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah we heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. But everybody is treating me different. I told you that most of them have stopped taking my calls. Sinatra dropped. Dean won't answer the phone.  Even Jack won't let me visit him in the White House. I fucked him you know. Right in the Oval office under the desk where his children play. He stuck in me for about ten seconds and squeaked like a dog toy and came it two seconds. Why did he drop me Joe? Ain't I a good lay?
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? They all fucked me. Every one of them. I banged them all. Frank. Dean. Joey Bishop. I even did a three way with Sammy Davis and Mel Torme.  That's right. I fucked that little picaninnies eye right out with my nipple. I showed him who had a golden fuckin' throat. I did em all Joe. So you ain't nothing special.
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all.   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Sammy Davis. That little spook.  Tell Frankie Carbo I want to see Bumpy Johnson here tomorrow.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. They got rights now. Someday they will be running this fucking country. You wait and see. You don't want your fingerprints on this.
 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!