Wild, Wild Life

Marlon Perkins had become obsessed. He was a full time zoophiliac. Of course he dabbled in many species but he kept coming back to the apes. He had a long time live in relationship with a young chimpanzee named Bubbles. He lived with Bubbles and his wife for many years.

Finally he decided he had to be true to himself. Marlin divorced his wife in Mexico and arranged to marry Bubbles. Unfortunately Bubbles was male and gay marriage was not yet legal. So he had to settle for common law status.

Marlin's actions lead to the cancellation of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdon. Marlin tried to market a series based on his life with Bubbles called "I Married  a Monkey" but it was too far ahead of it's time.

It was later produced as "Good Times" starring Esther Rolle.

( Don Meier, Talk into this with the Animals...The E True Hollywood Story of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom)

Wild Wild Life

Marlin was insatiable. We couldn't stop him from fooling around with the animals. It didn't matter what kind. What species. What gender. He would screw any of them.

The worst were the pigs. He loved the moist little piglets. They were so pretty and pink and sweet. He would always come along and help with the feeding. He would get them used to him holding them lovingly as he stuck something into their mouth for them to suckle. Eventually he would make a substitution. The zoo keeper was never quite figured out what was going on.

Marlin Perkins was a pervert.

( Don Meier, Talk into this with the Animals...The E True Hollywood Story of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom)

Wild Wild Life

Marlin started out slowly when he began molesting the animals. He would pet a pussy. Finger a tit willow. Sexually badger a badger.

We think he went over the line when he coated his penis with insects and stuck the anteaters snout down his pants.

After that there was simply no going back.

( Don Meier, Talk into this with the Animals...The E True Hollywood Story of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom)

Wild Wild Life

Marlin really changed after a few years on the show. He had been a devoted family man for many years but traveling gave him opportunists he didn't have at how.

He was always fingering strange pussy. Even in front of his wife. It was quite disturbing.

The Cheetah.

( Don Meier, Talk into this with the Animals...The E True Hollywood Story of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody was at this lowest point. He had not been able to finance a movie for quite a while. Even the people in France were tired of him.

He was still living with his ex-girlfriends adopted daughter. In fact they got married and a had a few kids of their own. But that didn't stop Woody's mad sexual obsessions.

He would fly around from bird house to bird house. To peep in on young girls hoping to find them naked.

He even spied on his ex wife. But a funny thing happened. He was almost sure she saw him. He thought she was posing for him.

Maybe she wanted some more of his woodpecker...wood pecker.

(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

Stupid Moose and Squirrel will Die!!!!

We didn't know what to do with Natasha. She just loved to walk around the set naked. Well in a pair of knee high black riding boots and carrying a whip. She went through the crew like shit through a goose. There wasn't a guy on the set that she didn't bang. Even the gay ones gave it up because they didn't want to face her if she was pissed off.

There was only one guy she couldn't get no matter how hard she tried. Poindexter. He was just not interested. He only cared about science and was always making jokes about the periodic table that nobody understood. Natasha would sneak into his trailer and lay naked and play with herself while she waited for him to come back to the set. But he would just walk right past her to play with his chemistry set.

She was furious and felt the need for revenge. That was when she decided that she was actually going to kill the moose and squirrel. For real.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

Stupid Moose and Squirrel will die!

There were many problems on the Bullwinkle show. There was the problem of Rocky the Flying Squirrel's satyriasis. He banged anything that moved. He had affairs with every cartoon character in Toon Town. His bouts with Betty Boop were legendary. That is why she sounded so funny. It was because of all the rabid squirrel come she had swallowed.

Then there was Bullwinkle's homosexuality. He had many beards through the years. I mean he went on a date with Natalie Wood for crying out loud. But then so did James Dean and he was a big old homo. Bullwinkle always had a young protégé in his entourage that he was banging in his trailer between takes. Many a young actor in the early sixties passed through his clutches as they worked as his "assistant." Robert Redford. Sal Mineo.  Jack Klugman. Dennis Hopper. Even Jack Nicholson when he was down and out. They were a constant problem on the set with their drug use and wild sexual antics.

But none of the problems we had compared to the trouble we had with Natasha Fatale. The rumor was that Natasha was a lesbian. This was because she was molested as a child by her father Klaus in their native Germany. You see Natasha was German even though she played a Russian on the show. Well actually an Austrian but then so was Hitler who was a good friend with her father. Natasha was always drooling on the female guest stars and trying to get something going with them. The fact that she pretended she was gay meant that most of the men on the show left her alone. However she wasn't really a dyke. She was a really a bi-sexual who was really into bondage. She loved to try people up and beat them and twist their nipples until they screamed for help. She had this kinky friend named Inga who had escaped from Austria with her and they liked to recreate the torture that their fathers had performed on the Jews in the camps. They were pure evil. Once Natasha tied up Bullwinkle and put him a boiling vat of water. Luckily Bullwinkle was a nimble pervert and had been in that spot before and was able to free himself before he became moose soup. He was scared. But he loved it. He just tweaked her nipples until they bled and slapped her around. Natasha was in love.

There was never a dull moment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.
(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody had fallen into a depraved area of his life where there was no coming back. After he lost his job at Universal Studies he was at his wit's end. He tried to make commercials but no body wanted a woodpecker to promote their products. He drifted into porno and hooked up with director Kirdy Stevens and started staring in "amateur" videos. His series of sex tapes with his adopted children were the genesis of the famous "Taboo" series that made so much money for the Mob in New York. Matty the Horse financed it and they sold these videos of Woody in a three way with his son Andy Panda and his step daughter Winnie.

Woody feel deeper and deeper into drugs and was ended up being involved in a robbery and murder spree with Long John Holmes. He had fallen about as far as you could fall.

Until he started doing reality TV.

(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

Corey Feldman is going to name the Kid Touchers in Hollywood

Famous former child star and all around douche Corey Feldman is writing a book where he will name the pedophiles who abused him when he was a child actor. He claims that both he and the other Corey were molested by big time Hollywood people. You know...like Roman Polanski type people. Which explains why they were all in support of Polanski when we wanted to come back to the US. To Hollywood abusing and raping children is no big deal. It's what they do.

I hope they go after them just as hard as they go after the Penn State fools. There should be zero tolerance and prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. They need to clean out that cesspool and put some of these kid touchers in jail.

Hollywood people are scum. Just sayn'

Sexy Cows have a tough life

Elsie the Cow never thought that she would end up the way she did. She was discovered as a young nubile calf one weekend at the state fair when her owner had dressed her in a tight sweater at the 4H club back in Kansas. This fast talking agent from New York saw her potential and got her to move to New York. She entered the Miss Reingold competition and even tried to get elected Miss Subways of 1962 but it was not to be. It was different in the sixties. They didn't pick women of color or ones that chewed the cud. They weren't prejudiced exactly but they were products of their time. They just didn't think the public would find them attractive if they weren't blond girl next door types.

Elise wouldn't give up. She did lots of commercials, magazine covers and print ads. She did a spread in the Farmers Almanac. And she spread them for Playcow. But her big break was strangely enough when the inquiring photographer from the Daily News took a photo of her in her itty bitty string bikini when she was out at Coney Island. A horndog advertising executive named hdhouse saw her and thought she would be perfect for his new ad campaign.

So Elsie was hired to be the new face of "Bordens."

(Got Milk, The E True Hollywood of Elsie the Cow)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody was a star for a long long time in Hollywood. He made features from the 1930's until the 1980's. He had many female costars. But it started to get ridiculous when he pretended that hot young lucious women were enamoured of his nerdy and fussy charms. Why would these beautiful woman want to endure the embrace of this nebbishy old man who looked like their grandfather. I mean you know why they did it. For the money and to star in one of his films. But it was just ludicrous.

It all came to an end when his long time love Mia Muskrat found photo's of him having sex with her adopted underage daughter Winnie. She found a bunch of photos of them in sexual positions and she always thought that her daughter had left them out for her to find. After the scandal broke Winnie moved in with her quasi-stepfather and they made films together that were only viewed by those who could stand to support a pervert and a child molester.

(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody became a tyrant as he became more popular as a director and star in his own series of films that were praised by the art house crowd. They didn't make any money but were considered art. He was famous for seducing his costars and having relationships with the female stars of his film. If you didn't let his slide his wood pecker into your twat you didn't get to star in one of his movies. It was interesting story how he got that wood pecker.

You see he had started out as producer and director working at Warner Brothers. He became enraged at Donald Duck who had seduced Woody's then girlfriend Daisy Duck. Of course they were both ducks so that had something to do with it as they like to stay with their own kind. So he refused to use Donald in any of the new Looney Tunes he was shooting. Donald was from New Jersey and he approached his godfather the famous gangster Don Vito who sent his consigliere Tom to approach Woody about using Donald in the new film "From Here to Maternity" where Daisy gives birth to an ugly duckling. But Woody refused and to terrorize him they put a horse's head in his bed. Which didn't matter to him because Woodpeckers are scavengers and he just picked it up and threw it away.

So they had Luca Brasi cut his dick off.

He had to get a prosthetic Wood Pecker.

That is why all of his costars end up with a splinter in their Twats.
(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody Woodpecker was a great director. He was the principal director of many Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons but then he started staring in his own cartoons. His signature Woodpecker song became very popular among college kids and pseudo intellectuals who saw themselves in his nebbishy character instead of more manly cartoon characters like Wiley Coyote or Pepe Le Plume. But his popularity went to his head and he thought he was invincible. He had a voracious and capacious sexual appetite and molested many of the characters who appeared in his cartoons. The last straw was when he began a sexual relationship with his adopted son Andy Panda. It seems that it began in college when Andy was trying out for the Penn State Football team. Woody was an unpaid assistant coach in charge of massages and he began to oil up his adopted son. A scandal ensued that ended his viability as a filmmaker except in ultra liberal and decadent areas such as France and the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

A horse is not just a horse of course......

The are many deep dark secrets in Hollywood Babylon. Especially back in the sixties. There was Rock Hudson and Sal Mineo. Drug addicts like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. But our show had the biggest problem of all. Wilbur was having sexual relations with Mr. Ed.

No one could understand why Wilbur would leave such fine young nubile flesh like his young wife to hang out in a barn. Little did they know that he was a pony boy. A horse lover. An equine excess dabbler. A stallion straddler. Wilbur really loved his pony.

That is why he could only hang out with celebrities who had secrets of their own. Like Sandy. It was a time of shame and desperation. It was a love that could not neigh it's name. It made filming the show a horror.
(Alan Lubin, Mr Ed, The E True Hollywood Story)

I Dream of Jeanie, E True Hollywood Story

The set of “I Dream of Jeannie” was a crazy place. Those astronauts were hard living guys. The fear of flying out into space on a rocket made by parts from the lowest bidder was enough to make anyone have a few drinks. Gus Grissom was always plastered and chasing the astronaut groupies. Scott Carpenter was always banging secretaries on the Golf Course. But Anthony Nelson had a case of the blue balls big time. Even though Jeannie was always wearing hot little outfits and calling him master she would never let him get it in. Now that was strange. I mean when I heard she was a girl who spent her time in the bottle I thought it was like Hollywood child stars and law professors from mediocre Midwestern colleges. You know they would always be drunk and goers. But Jeanie wasn’t like that. Tony was really frustrated. Until Jeanie’s little sister came to town.

You see she was a pig.

(Sidney Sheldon, I Dream of Jeanie, E True Hollywood Story)

Rocky and Bullwinkle, The E True Hollywood Story

It wasn’t easy being a closeted gay moose in Hollywood in the 1960’s. The studio was afraid of the backlash from Christan groups and the Catholic church if they found out that a beloved cartoon character was gay. It wasn’t that hard for Bullwinkle to cover it up. Rocky was a well known swordsman and his exploits with cartoon chicks in public was legendary. Rocky once had a three way with Bette Rubble and Penelope Pittstop backstage at a Rolling Stones concert that they are still talking about. Even Keith Richards thought it was a little much. So Bullwinkle could lay low. He would have a few dates with Natasha every other month. She had the same problem as she was a big time lesbian. So they would be each other’s beards and have high profile dates in public so the press could take their photos. Bullwinkle would save his true self for the parties that Rock Hudson and Tab Hunter would throw up in the Hollywood Hills. Nobody even questioned that he had lived with Wally Cox for ten years. It was a more innocent time.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

It's the Macho Response.

When Billie first came to work with us, he was a happy little boy. He loved to play baseball with the rest of the kids and he was particularly close to George or Spanky as you might know him. They were always outside tossing the ball around.

But as they started to get older things changed. You see they started to get interested in girls and Billie and George got into a rivalry over Darla. She was a saucy little minx and led them on. The lost their friendship over it. And it was a shame. Neither one of them ever got together with her. She ended up joining her friend Susan Axtkins and hanging out with this guy who played guitar out at the Span ranch. I wonder whatever happened to them.

Anyway, Billie ended up becoming a motivational speaker and blogger who encourages men to act like men and to stop letting woman run their lives. His book "I'm O Tay, You're O Tay" became a national best seller.

(I'm O Tay, You're O Tay, The E True Hollywood Story of Billie Thomas)