The Man Who......

 

General George Armstrong Custer walked into the hotel room in Washington and the notables gathered therein jumped up as though Jesus himself had entered. They looked at his as Jesus since he would have to save them. Because he was the only hope the Democratic Party had of winning the Presidency in the upcoming election in the centennial year of 1876.

The only potentate who did not rise was the nominal canid ate Governor Samuel J. Tilden of New York who had been selected by the convention to carry the banner of the Democratic party. A handsome individual in expensive clothing with a diamond stickpin in his cravat he looked at the strutting gamecock with a jaundiced eye. He had been designated as the candidate by the convention but the party bosses wanted to what you should never do. Change horses in midstream. They wanted to replace him with the Hero of the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Bayard and Thurman who had been among the bitter rivals that had contested the nomination were leading the charge. Even Hendricks who Tilden had taken on as his Vice-Presidential nominee was in on the attempt to steal the nomination. The only one who refrained was General Winfield Scott Hancock who thought if a general was to be the nominee it could only be him.

The problem was that the “soft money” contingent led by John Kelly from his own state of New York wanted to abrogate his victory and turn to a successful general to combat the dominance of the Republican Party ever since the War Between the State. They wanted to flood the nation with greenbacks instead of going back to the gold standard that Tilden embraced. This strutting peacock would be their puppet in this since he knew about as much about economics as a dog did about Latin. It is the rest of the duties of a President that would be the rub.

“Gentlemen thank you for inviting me to meet with you today. I have just arrived from the Dakota’s where we put paid to the savages as you well know.” Custer stood tall in his fringed buckskin jacket and battered felt hat like he had just ridden in from the battlefield. He was a theatrical presence of that there could be no doubt. He couldn’t even appear in his correct dress uniform. If these idiots thought they would control this vainglorious lout they had another thing coming. There was no doubt that he would take them into another war.

“Please sit down General and we can put our proposal to you.” John Kelly motioned to a seat in the middle of a circle of chairs that had been set up for the group to discuss their plans. It seemed that the New York Tammany Hall ward heeler had been chosen to be the spokesman for the group. Which was bad news for the Governor since his bitter break with Tammany Hall had poisoned the well. Now the Sachem would have his revenge by stealing the nomination.

Custer is just a very compelling character!

So I am finishing up the new Robert Conroy novel of alternative history called "Custer in Chains." The premise is that Custer survives the Little Big Horn and is a hero who is elected President. He looks around to see what he can do and decides to start a war with Spain a couple of decades before it happened in our timeline.

Hilarity ensuses and Custer ends up getting captured by the Spanish. Don't ask. It is pretty far-fetched if logical and part of the Custer mystique. There are so many crazy Custer books that it is almost a subsection in the library like vampire books or something.

The first of these books I read many years ago. It was novel by Douglas C Jones and it portrayed a fictional court martial of Custer after the Little Big Horn. Several old school Union generals are on the jury. RC Ocean would get a kick out of it.

I have spoken about the weirdest version before. It is the series which starts with "The Year the Cloud Fell." In it the Indians win the war and Custer becomes President. Oh and they ride dinosaurs instead of horses. It is very realistic.

When I was a kid I enjoyed the Custer TV series "The Legend of Custer." It wasn't all that accurate but I enjoyed it. All of those TV shows were about American Heroes. Custer. Daniel Boone. Davy Crockett. The Swamp Fox. Old white guys. You don't have that anymore. There are no heroes in American History that will be profiled on TV. You get your Dexters or Don Drapers or Hannibals. But no Davy Crockett. Definitely no Custer.

So you have to find it in books. Maybe I should write one. An alternative history with Custer. But no dinosaurs. That has already been done. Vampires? Gay? Furries?

Wait a minute! He had long hair and was very vain and his wife was a control freak who managed every part of his life. I got it.

Transsexual Custer!

That's a million dollar idea right there.

Don't know much about history.

I don't know much about history but I know that Custer did not die at the battle of the Little Big Horn.

The legend has it that legendary shaman Sitting Bull turned him into a Bison.

He had him Buffaloed. So to speak.

The weirdest Custer story of them all!

The weirdest Custer story of them all?

No question about it. It is the "The Year the Cloud Fell " by Kurt R.A. Giambastiani. In it the Indians never are defeated and Custer is scouting in a dirigible which crashes over hostile territory. He falls in love with an Indian princess who bears him a child. Eventually he escapes back to American soil where he eventually runs for President and is elected. So he decides to negotiate a peace treaty with the leaders of the great Indian nations. Which include his bastard son. There is a series of four books in which this incredible story unfolds.

Oh and they ride dinosaurs. Yes that's right you wing nuts. Dinosaurs were never extinct and they were bred for riding.

I wish Luckyoldson would read it. His head would explode.

"How Few Remain"

The book that imagines Custer the way I see him is "How Few Remain" by Harry Turtledove. In this masterpiece of alternative history, we imagine what it would be like if the South had won the war with the help of England and France. The North allies with Germany and a second war breaks out in the 1880's. Various historical characters make an appearance. For example Abe Lincoln survives and becomes a Socialist as the Republican party is discredited for losing the war. Lincoln travels the west making speech's as the second war breaks out.

One of the main subplots takes place in Montana where Union forces are led by General Custer and Theodore Roosevelt win one of the few victories by the Union in the Second Civil War. Custer is a blustery vain old war horse but he leads from the front and is victorious and emerges a hero. It is a sublime imagining of what might have been. Many historical personages make cameo appearances and this is the first book in a long series by Turtledove. I must warn you though that the series peters out by the third or fourth book even though he slogs on to what would be the end of World War Two with a death grip between the North and the South with Mormon rebellions and the occupation of Canada thrown in for good measure. But this book is a great read as a stand alone and you will not regret purchasing it. It is one of the finest alternative history novels ever written. I mean it's not literature, just a hell of a good read.

The Court Martial of George Armstrong Custer

One of the first books of alternative history I ever read was Douglas C. Jones The Court-Martial of George Armstrong Custer which was later made into a crappy TV movie starring that skinny blond bitch Gynnie Platrow's mom. Anyway the book was very interesting and postulated that Custer survived the battle and was brought up on charges in front of a trail board containing many of the failed generals of the Civil War like John Pope, Rosecrans and McDowell.

This was first published in the early seventies and Douglas C. Jones had previously written about the massacre at Wounded Knee and was definitely very sympathetic to the Sioux and Cheyenne and Kiowa who made up the majority of the hostiles at the battle of the Little Bighorn. But with all of that it was surprisingly even handed and interesting. It was reissued as a paperback in 2006 and is available at Amazon.

I would love to see what RC Ocean would have to say about it because he knows more about the Civil War and it's generals of anybody this side of Shelby Foote. Check out his blog for great background on many Civil War battles and generals.(Just skip past all the Barbara Streisand posts, we all have our weird side interests, ya know)

He died with his boots on.

George Armstrong Custer has long been one of the most controversial figures in American military history. Famously last in his class at West Point he was a hero of the "War to Set Men Free." Serving as a young protege to such luminaries and miscreants as George McClellan and
Alfred Pleasonton, Custer was promoted to brigadier general of volunteers at the tender age of twenty three. At East Cavalry Field, Custer led a mounted charge of the 1st Michigan Cavalry, . which he lead from the front losing more than 200 troopers in the aftermath of the Battle of Gettysburg.Finally coming under the command of Maj. Gen. Philip Sheridan in 1864, Custer was involved in most of the battles in the eastern theatre of the war, destroying Jubal Early's army and accepting the flag of truce at Appoxmatix. Promoted brevet Major General he amassed a stellar career as a fighting officer.

He was vain and theatrical but that was the style of the time. Although his soldiers mocked his costumes they respected that he lead from the front unlike many other officers of the time. Perhaps he was too stupid to be afraid, but there is no doubt he was a man of courage. The fact is he was a warrior. And warriors kill people. Warriors like Gengkis Khan, Saladin, El Cid, Richard the Lionhearted, Charles Martel, Gustas Alpohus, Napleon, Wellington, Andrew Jackson, Nathan Beford Forrest, Robert E. Lee, US Grant, Black Jack Pershing, Douglas MacArthur, and George Patton. Some were more brutal than others. But they were in the business of killing the enemy. As Patton once said "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." Poltical attitudes come and go and standards of behavior change over time but the fundemental rules still apply.

"We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.

"The Greasey Grass"

One of the coolest dudes who comments here is Michael Hasentab who is riding his hog all the way to Alaska. One of his first posts is about his visit to the Little Big Horn Memorial.

Man I am jealous. It's not like I am really into the US Calvary or anything but that is one of the places I always wanted to visit.

So check out his blog and follow his adventures. One of which involves K-Y jelly at a truckstop.

Ouch.

Anyway I want to contemplate George Armstrong Custer for a while.