Dear Kris

Kris,

I know it is awkward for you. I just am a hotter chick then you are you just have to face it. I mean I know you are a big slut and did a bunch of guys. OJ had stretched you out so much banging you was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

But how do you think I felt all those years when Khloe was much more masculine then me. I had to deal and so should you. You just have to realize that you are a woman who has too much mileage on her greasy stretched out twat to get any action. Even the black guys don't want you anymore. That is why you have made a career out of pimping your daughters to every ball player you can find.

Of course you are a ballplayer too. I remember how you used to play with my balls that you keep in the music box on the night table next to the bed. You used to roll them around like you were Captain Queeg in the Caine Mutiny. In fact you had a lot in common with him. Not to mention that you sort of look like Humphrey Bogart after he got the cancer.

So please don't be a hater. Just accept it. Accept who you are. Accept who I am.

And one more thing. Do you have Lamar's new cell phone number. I always thought he was cute.

With hugs and butterfly kisses,
Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner.

Dear Kris

Kris,

I haven't seen you the past few weeks as we have not be filming. I now you are very busy pimping your daughters out to black men. I understand it is our daughters time so I won't complain. Prostituting our children has been a good living for us and who am I to complain.

I don't know if you have been following the news lately but I have made some changes. You see ever since you took my balls the night we got married I have been feeling different. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I thought about getting a divorce and marrying an elderly spinster blogger to live off of but that was not something I wanted to face. The Mid West is too cold for me.

I thought about running for President. But Hillary has the not really a real woman slot so that was out.

Then I thought about moving to New York and starting a fashion line but I am not gay so that would not work. I like woman. In fact I love woman. In fact I love women so much that I have decided to become one.

Now I realize we have a very tolerant open marriage. I didn't care about your history of three ways with OJ and Nicole. Or the bastard children you conceived when you were married. In fact I am not even sure that Kylie is my daughter since you have my balls in the drawer next to your coffin so how do I know it was even my sperm. But even this might be too much for you.

You see I have decided to be a woman. A broad. A bitch. A C you next Thursday. I hope you can forgive me but we can't be married anymore. If you can't I can take you for a drive and we can work it out.

Please take my balls and give them to someone who can use them.

Farwell. Please think of me kindly. As I do of my balls.

With hugs and butterfly kisses,
Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner.

Feminists and Youtes hardest hit by Media reporting news!

New York Post November 11, 2014

A defense attorney for the Brooklyn man accused of kicking a cat high into the air tried to get the case dismissed Monday by claiming prosecutors never said the cat had been hurt.

Andre Robinson, 21, was supposed to start trial Monday on misdemeanor animal-cruelty charges for booting the helpless cat high into the air in Bedford-Stuyvesant in May — an act that went viral when video of the kick was posted on YouTube.

But his new defense attorney, Risa Procton, delayed trial by claiming the case should be thrown out, according to prosecutors.

“Defense attorney filed a … facial insufficiency motion,” a spokeswoman for the Brooklyn district attorney said.

Robinson’s criminal complaint cites an ASPCA veterinarian who watched the video of Robinson kicking the cat saying that the kick would have injured the cat — but never actually states that the cat was hurt, according to court papers.

The cat's owner a Ms. Amanda Marcotte of Austin Texas was irate. "Normally I shudder and prepare a lawsuit when someone touches my pussy but if anyone can do it I would choose an underprivileged African American youte. I know he is getting his act together and is about to enroll in college. I blame this unfortunate incident on the fact that he had a sugar rush do to an overdose of Skittles."

Prosecutors will respond in court papers in December and the judge will rule on the defense attorney’s claims in January, prosecutors said.

Say hello to the "Twins"

New York Post October 30, 2014

These two take twinning to the next level.

Sara and Emma Koponen, identical 25-year-old twins, are so obsessed with looking the same that they dropped about $24,000 for matching breast implants.

The now-big breasted Swedish women, who have since moved to Spain, went from A to E cups over the course of three separate boob jobs.

But the busty women aren’t just concerned about matching their chests. They also got lip injections so they would have matching smiles.

“’We are both addicted with modifying our bodies – but we have to make sure we both do the same things otherwise we won’t match,” Sara told Barcroft Media. ‘We are obsessed with surgery and the pursuit of perfection — for us there’s no such thing as too much.”

And to ensure that their bodies stay the same size, the dynamic duo works out daily at the gym for two hours and consume the same food at exactly the same time to maintain their weights.

The Koponen sisters obsess about more than matching their bodies, too. They share the same phone and wardrobe — but have yet to share a boyfriend.

Their end goal is to look like artificial dolls, with plans to get butt implants, dental veneers and nose jobs.

“The work we have done is for us — it’s not about getting men to like us, it’s about becoming our idea of perfection,” Sara said.

While the sky’s the limit for what he plastic-surgery-loving pair would do to their own bodies, they will never let their children follow in their footsteps.

“’I’m proud about how I chose to change my body but I would never let my own child do this to herself,” Sara told Barcroft. “’You will never be happier – that’s the point. You will always want more. If you start, you will never stop.”

Why are these guys so dangerous?

NY Daily News October 8, 2014

A goat that was sacrificed for the Muslim holiday Eid al-Adha killed a 13-year-old boy when it jumped off a building in Turkey.

The boy’s father, identified only as Mehmet by the UK Mirror, had bought the goat to celebrate the Feast of the Sacrifice but didn’t have room to keep it in the apartment, so he brought it up to the roof.

The skittish animal, in an effort to escape, jumped off the roof and fell six floors, smashing into the boy, Heval Yildirim.

The young boy was pronounced dead after being taken to a hospital.

His father was despondent, but didn’t elaborate on his son’s death.

“I am devastated but what more can I say?” he said, according to the Mirror. “In fact, there is nothing at all to say. Even the prosecutor has said this incident could be the first of its kind around the world.”

Authorities are investigating the incident.

The Feast of the Sacrifice, celebrated by Muslims around the world, honors the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his promised son, Ishmael, to God before a lamb is provided to sacrifice instead.

The animal is usually cut up into three parts — one-third for family, one-third for friends and the rest for the poor.

A three hour cruise?

So the captain of the minnow was driving his boat when he decided to get in a three way and nobody was watching the boat. They crashed into a dock at La Guardia Airport but the port police couldn't respond. If they were towel heads they could have shot down about ten planes before the coppers showed up.

It was the Skipper and his little buddy. But was it Ginger or Maryann.

The board was sixty so that's about right.

Of course we know that the skipper wants to be in the poop deck so to speak. But his little buddy might have been willing to check out Mary Ann.

I am a little tired of basketball

I think they have to change the game.

Now you can't call women Bossy!

Just to benefit Hillary's campaign. I mean girls are still stuff that Hillary did when she was growing up that made her the woman she is today!

Gratuitous bathtub photo: Rehab edition.

What if Congressman Weiner met a women in rehab and fell in love.

No...no....no!

The Price of Fame

Crystal breaks up with her guy New York Post May 28, 2010
By MAXINE SHEN

Even with all the hoopla surrounding Simon Cowell's departure from "American Idol," the competition ended on a low note.

This week's "Idol" finale was the lowest-rated ending since the competition's first season.
Some 24.2 million viewers saw shy crooner Lee DeWyze get crowned this year's "Idol" -- down 18 percent from last year.

When Kelly Clarkson became the first "Idol" in the summer of 2002, 22.8 million viewers watched

And the show's producers weren't the only ones who ended the season on a low note.
Yesterday, runner-up Crystal Bowersox revealed that she and her boyfriend Big Tony -- who'd been cheering her on from the audience all season -- broke up last Tuesday morning -- right before her finale performance.

Big Tony went home," Bowersox told Ryan Seacrest during his morning radio show. "It was a mutual thing. We're both logical adults.

"He's a small-town guy -- that's fine. I'm a small-town girl, but I want this more than anything.
"I want this career, this lifestyle," she said. "and I didn't think he was up for it.
"And he didn't think he was up for it."

She went on to say that she was "a little sad he did it on performance day," but that she used the emotion during her performance of Patty Griffin's "Up to the Mountain."
Still, Bowersox said that she's "the happiest girl in the world right now."

In a related story, the winner of Idol this year, Lee DeWyze also lost his beard this morning in an unfortunate shaving accident.

Smarter than your average bear!

New York Post (Weird But True) September 20, 2009

He's got an appetite for construction.

Much to the chagrin of hardhats, a menacing white polar bear used to raid the garbage bins in their northern Russian construction site.

But now the ferocious bear has become the yard's unofficial mascot. Workers say he now forages peacefully for food.

They were originally going to name the foraging bear Al Gore but he wasn't fat or hairy enough. So they stuck with the name Whitey after the term of endearment that President Obama had for his grandmother.

Will you marry me, Not!

New York Post (Weird but True) September 20, 2009

A woman morphed into a major bridezilla after she learned her pricey dress, which she purchased 15 years ahead of the big day, was stolen from the dry cleaners just two days before she was to finally tie the knot.

Police in Osnabruck, Germany, said the Brazilian-born bruising bride decimated the shop, tearing garments and flipping out Thursday.

Her fiance Montana Urban Legend called off the engagement as he felt she was not the girl for him. "It was bad enough that she ripped me a new one, who needs that. If I want to be abused like that I will comment on that nasty blogger lady's site."

There's no place like home.

New York Post Weird But True

July 31, 2009

The gnomes have a home.

After an elderly woman with a collection of 1,500 garden gnomes died in Australia, it took the intervention of the Australian Gnome Convention to make sure they didn't end up in a landfill.

The group's "gnome master," David Cook, was able to find foster homes for the little guys all around the country.

In a related story, Robert Cook the brother of David Cook had managed to find a home for an extensive collection of trolls with an eccentric woman who enjoys their admiration. They took residence after it was determined that Solar Panels had been installed and a hot and moist environment was assured.

Is this the way to Ixtlan?

When I was in college I read all the books by that mystic guy Carlos Castaneda. You know the dude who studied under the Yaqui shaman Don Juan Matus who taught him how to turn into a raven and fly. A lot people loved his books and looked at them as some form of spiritual guide to knowledge. I never really did but I found then quite interesting reading.

Castaneda had a very interesting life. He had a sting of women living with him who he claimed as disciples.Three at a time. They all disappeared after he died. They worshipped him and cut off all ties with family and friends. Castaneda lived as a recluse for many years after publishing three best selling books of autobiography. He basically was a cult leader. If you met someone who was really into his books and his philosophy they would argue white was black and day was night if Castaneda said so. Kind of reminds of the present day when you talk to Obamabots.

Except they ain't chewing peyote.

You never can have just one.

New York Post Weird but True June 26, 2009

She's all that -- for a bag of chips.

An Oklahoma City hooker offered her services in exchange for a bag of Frito-Lay chips after a john said he had no money.

Unfortunately for them, a police cruiser drove by as they were in flagrante delicto in a car. Lahoma Sue Smith, 36, has several prostitution busts. Police let the man go.

Not that's just not right. Fight the patriarchy. My only question? What kind of chips?

Hey while you're down there see if you can find Nemo.

New York Post June 20, 2009

Turtle Logic

By JAMIE SCHRAM

Call him a shell of a man.
Yamahi Hogarth not only beat his girlfriend in her East Flatbush apartment -- but also flushed her turtle down the toilet, sources said yesterday.
Hogarth, 23, accused the 20-year-old victim of stealing from him, cops said. He allegedly choked her, then smashed the helpless turtle's glass tank Wednesday afternoon. He is charged with assault and aggravated cruelty to animals.

Man what is with reptiles down the toilet.

You think the guy would have enough to worry about being named after Japanese stereo speakers.

It's getting hairy in the comments.

In the post of Babs and Kristofeson taking a bath:

Asante Samuel said...
I'm bettin seriuos Oscar Gamble, maybe right up to the navel, maybe shaving her nasty bits twice a day.

If I had a dog that looked like her, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.

Dude. You are getting me sick man. Please. My eyes.

Postcards from the edge?

New York Post Weird by True March 15, 2009

It might have been rain, sleet, gloom of night - or perhaps a mechanical glitch - that contributed to a Postal Service delivery snafu that took 47 years to correct.
An Ohio resident opened his mailbox to find a postcard mailed from Montana in 1962 and addressed to the previous tenant.
A USPS spokesman speculated that the card may have gotten stuck in some equipment or lost behind a mail chute.

The recipient a Mr. RH Hardin stated that the postcard was from his prom date who accepted his invitation to the Senior Prom at Millard Fillmore Regional High School. However since he did not get the card he never attempted to contact his date and has shunned women ever since as he has turned his attention to nubile poultry.

I will never put egg salad in my mouth, well at least not for free.

New York Post Weird But True March 5, 2009

It's hard to imagine what's arousing about rotten eggs.
A group of Italian researchers say that the chemical that makes rotten eggs stink so bad - hydrogen sulfide - also stimulates arousal areas in men's brains and could be used in place of Viagra.
"[It] represents a new therapeutic target for erectile dysfunction," they found.

The findings are in dispute. A law professor from the University of Wisconsin has started a class action suit to prohibit the association of eggs and sexuality. Specifically egg salad and sexuality. The noted femmist professor said "Egg salad must once and for all be disassociated from sexuality for the good of all man kind."

This stance has severely dissappointed several men in suburban Wisconsin who have been basting their members in vats of egg salad in hopes of helping with their erectile dysfunction.

"OY kevalt these goyim are meshungina"

New York Post Weird but True March 5, 2009

There's nothing kosher about this.
Angered that TV chefs constantly recommend using kosher salt, Maryland retired barber Joe Godlewski has come up with Christian salt.
"What the heck is the matter with Christian salt?" Godlewski wonders.
He's has the salt blessed by an Episcopal priest.

Mr. Golewski who often posts on websites under the name Cedarford has also called for the renaming of the local martial arts studio as Tiger Schulmans House of Karate instead of Tiger Schulman's Home of Judo, since karate is a martial art and judo is what they make bagels out of.