What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody was always part of the avant garde in Toon Town. He used to come with his latest co-star to parties at Mickey Mouse's house and throw his car keys on to the table and swap with the other cartoon couples. He banged them all. Minnie Mouse. Penelope Pittstop. Velma. Olive Oyl. He even had a tree way with Ariel and Namor the Submariner. He was a nebbishy little dude but he was a goer. Sensation was everything for him. He was always looking for something new and excite.

He was the first cartoon character to put cocaine on his cock. It drove Betty Boop insane when he did her that way. But it was never enough. He always had to try something new.

One day he was sitting around with Bluto and Barney Rubble and they were smoking opium and talking about how bored they were. Woody was just idly pecking away at the wall to pass the time. He was paying attention. But eventually he made a pretty big whole. What he didn't know was that there was a bathroom on the other side. Even in their befuddled state the three cartoon horn dogs realized something.

Woody had invented the glory hole.

(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

Well there are worse things than splinters you know?

MamaM said...
Rata-tit-twat!SonM came home from the Farm Store this week with a story about a customer who was in looking for a way to get rid of woodpeckers. The guy didn't know what to do because he'd let loose with a shotgun on a woodpecker that was drilling holes in his 130 year old pole barn and thought he'd taken care of the matter, when according to him, the very next day "this big assed woodpecker shows up".

Now, in addition to the smaller Hairy and Downy Woodpeckers, our area is host to a 16-19 inch version called the Pileated Woodpecker. A big assed woodpecker the size of a crow. Chances are this is what he saw and he was spooked, thinking the King of all woodpeckers had come back to haunt him and finish ruining his barn. Especially since it was "a fast bastard" that kept flying off whenever he'd come out with the gun, before he could get a shot at it.

Hanging CD's near the area where these birds are pecking is one way of discouraging them naturally, but there was a long pause when this was suggested...followed by the plaintive delivery of words that delineate country from true country, "But I don't got any CD's".

He was hoping for some Woodpecker specific poison to smear on the barn and take care of the bird once and for all, while whatever is luring the woodpeckers continues to consume his wood.

What he can do is hang an inflatable woodpecker with some poison smeared on it's little inflatable mouth and his little inflatable anus.

That's how they got rid of Jeremy.

It's even better than one of those sticky glue board thingy's. Just sayn'

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody was a star for a long long time in Hollywood. He made features from the 1930's until the 1980's. He had many female costars. But it started to get ridiculous when he pretended that hot young lucious women were enamoured of his nerdy and fussy charms. Why would these beautiful woman want to endure the embrace of this nebbishy old man who looked like their grandfather. I mean you know why they did it. For the money and to star in one of his films. But it was just ludicrous.

It all came to an end when his long time love Mia Muskrat found photo's of him having sex with her adopted underage daughter Winnie. She found a bunch of photos of them in sexual positions and she always thought that her daughter had left them out for her to find. After the scandal broke Winnie moved in with her quasi-stepfather and they made films together that were only viewed by those who could stand to support a pervert and a child molester.

(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody became a tyrant as he became more popular as a director and star in his own series of films that were praised by the art house crowd. They didn't make any money but were considered art. He was famous for seducing his costars and having relationships with the female stars of his film. If you didn't let his slide his wood pecker into your twat you didn't get to star in one of his movies. It was interesting story how he got that wood pecker.

You see he had started out as producer and director working at Warner Brothers. He became enraged at Donald Duck who had seduced Woody's then girlfriend Daisy Duck. Of course they were both ducks so that had something to do with it as they like to stay with their own kind. So he refused to use Donald in any of the new Looney Tunes he was shooting. Donald was from New Jersey and he approached his godfather the famous gangster Don Vito who sent his consigliere Tom to approach Woody about using Donald in the new film "From Here to Maternity" where Daisy gives birth to an ugly duckling. But Woody refused and to terrorize him they put a horse's head in his bed. Which didn't matter to him because Woodpeckers are scavengers and he just picked it up and threw it away.

So they had Luca Brasi cut his dick off.

He had to get a prosthetic Wood Pecker.

That is why all of his costars end up with a splinter in their Twats.
(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)

What would give you a splinter in your twat?

Woody Woodpecker was a great director. He was the principal director of many Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons but then he started staring in his own cartoons. His signature Woodpecker song became very popular among college kids and pseudo intellectuals who saw themselves in his nebbishy character instead of more manly cartoon characters like Wiley Coyote or Pepe Le Plume. But his popularity went to his head and he thought he was invincible. He had a voracious and capacious sexual appetite and molested many of the characters who appeared in his cartoons. The last straw was when he began a sexual relationship with his adopted son Andy Panda. It seems that it began in college when Andy was trying out for the Penn State Football team. Woody was an unpaid assistant coach in charge of massages and he began to oil up his adopted son. A scandal ensued that ended his viability as a filmmaker except in ultra liberal and decadent areas such as France and the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
(Walter Lantz, The E True Hollywood Story of Woody Woodpecker)