The case of the greasy infidel

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I know that I have continually requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Be that as it may, I would request that we put that matter in abeyance so that I can ask for your assistance in an entirely different matter

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work your brother Mycroft does with the Foreign Office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoys and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. We presume that he is simply gathering information that would educate rather than edify. However, a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

It seems that several members of a Bedouin cast have made visits to your brother’s abode. They are obviously clearly Musselman and we have followed several of them back to their place of worship which you might know as a “mosque.” On further investigation, we have determined that they are part of a plan to protest and cause disorder in the public square to protest the actions of certain Hebraic factions in the Holy Land. They plan a disorderly protest as well as acts of violence that can not be tolerated by Her Majesty’s government.

This would not be a problem if the Honorable Disreali were still in power. Unfortunately, the advent of Prime Minister Gladstone has led to a tolerance of violence towards the Jews. The Yard is therefore at an impasse. We can not take action for fear we will not be supported by the government when the Arab moves to kill the Jew. I would ask if you had some inkling of what we can do to effect change and prevent further disorder and criminal activity. Perhaps you could enquire of your brother as to the actual policy extant as to these disorders so we might take guidance as to what we might do.

Although we at the Yard are not enamored of the Hebrew in general, we do not want to see them killed in the street. Especially on our watch despite the popularity of that course of action among many of the party in power. Although the Wigs often claim to support the people of the book, they in fact cleave to the mercenary alliance with the vast pockets of the sheiks and sultans who are the bitter enemy of the Hebrews and who seek to destroy them root and branch.

I would beseech you to question your brother as to what he is doing with the visits of these disreputable desert dwellers and to find out if he is associating with them as part of his employment or for a more personal reason.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is enjoying marital bliss since his recent wedding. I presume that he is fully recovered from the swelling and painful discharge he evidenced after his bachelor do. When last I saw him as he left the water closet, he was in pain to such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my impertinence and join you in your efforts in this most serious matter.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 18, 1884

The case of the missing documents

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and several years since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

It has come to the attention of the Yard that certain top secret and confidential papers have been removed from the National Archives and have been found among the personal papers of a former prime minister. In a clandestine search of the abode of the recently deceased Prime Minister Lord Salisbury several very important confidential records regarding the Boer War were to be found among the personal papers in his study. These papers were marked Top Secret and are prohibited by both law and common practice from being removed from the archives of the government. These including many incriminating documents from prior administrations including several salacious letters from Lord Gladstone to underage soiled doves and quite a few indecipherable musings in Hebrew from that most disreputable Disraeli. When this discovery was brought to the attention of Prime Minister Balfour, he demanded that it be covered up. This is understandable since he is Lord Salisbury's nephew but still it rankles many of those at the Yard. 

I write to you in hopes that you might reach out to your brother Mycroft who still has contacts with Security Services even in retirement. The Yard would like to avail itself of the opportunity that this presents to cobble together a united front to investigate this odious breach in security and find some way to prevent it in the future.

I will note that the only item that was released to the Yard and the public was what can only be described as a recipe from the time of King George the Third who had outlined in his own hand the necessaires for a beef dish that he had learned to prepare in Hamburg before he took up the reign as King of England. It appears that Lord Salisbury has adapted this recipe and demanded that it be served to him every night as his only form of sustenance. It is passing strange that this is the only legacy that has been passed down from a figure who has been some important to history of the realm.

Something is just not quite right about this whole affair.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art. I know that in addition to his deeply felt devotion to the collection of artistic pieces, he has become a gourmet who revels in epicurean ecstasy provide by his personal chef. I know he eschews traditional English fare such as the meat pie and the Toad in the Hole, but I am quite sure he is enamored of a good Spotted Dick. If he can at all be helpful, I would be greatly appreciative.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade

November 12, 1903

The Case of the Deleterious Dick Toc

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been several months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Today I must once again humbly beseech your assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we have been long keeping a jaundiced eye on the affairs of this nefarious couple. Ever since the disappearance of Lord Douchebag the Yard has maintained a check on the activities of this group of malcontents and subversives. We occasionally insert an operative into their circle to monitor their unseemly ways. Insertion is a poor choice of words and calls to mind an unfortunate vision as illegal insertions seem to be one of the goals of the group that surrounds Lady Chatterley and her shabby vegetable loving lover. The problem with attempting this mode of surveillance is that no operative can stand to associate with these two for more than a month or two as she uniformly expels them from her presence as she is mentally unstable and brooks no contradiction or even mild questioning. An acolyte lasts about as long as a mayfly in her unstable circle. 

 

However, a situation has arisen which requires your assistance. It appears that Lady Chatterley and one of her foppish spawn have instigated an correspondence with the notorious sybarite Oscar Wilde and his circle of rich and idle degenerates. They have been forward obscene renderings of male genitalia through her Majesty's post on numerous occasions. These drawings consist of artistic renderings of various penile perturbances which are drawn in slightly different poses. They are gathered together in a pile and then turned quickly to give the illusion of motion. They call this technique Dick Toc and it has become quite the rage in the social scene of catamites and degenerates.

You might ask why I am writing to you about these beastly practices, but I do indeed have an important reason. It appears that for some reason your brother Mycroft has received some of these obscene missives. I write to you to impart a warning to him and have him destroy any of these items he might maintain in his files before the Yard moves forward with the prosecution of these obscene practices. I feel I owe it to your family because of your invaluable help and our enduring friendship.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft and inform him that the case of the Gibbon with the distended rectum in the Yorkshire Zoo has been dropped. Please note that the occurrence of what various physicians have termed monkey pox have been reported in those environs and he should be circumspect in his intercourse with his current circle of friends and acquaintances. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
July 25, 1898

The Case of the Disappearing Salon

 

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems a remarkable transformation has occurred in the salon of the noxious Lady Chatterley. She has closed her salon and banished all the many miscreants out into polite society. These poor unfortunates who are barely literate and in need of our succor and understanding were left wandering the streets in search of some other false deity to flagellate them and torture their benighted souls. Bereft of the solace of their common herd they are bewildered and lost. I have no understanding as to why they were expunged except that the syphilitic psychoses of their host must finally have reached it's zenith. They could no longer cover it up and so had to loose their misbegotten acolytes on to our society. 

 

Pray tell have you any news about this most unusual occurrence? Perhaps one of your irregulars might have some insight as they are well acquainted with the dregs of society where these poor unfortunates dwell. The Yard has called upon me to prepare for any new vile plans that this most despicable couple might be planning. I am most desirous of your council and advice.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I now recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art and his continuing acts of charity. I know that he felt moving to the country would be salubrious and conducive to his health. I hope his work with young orphan boys will assuage his loneliness and allow him to live a fulfilling and happy existence. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of Wandering Detective

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

You will remember Inspector Bradstreet who so ably assisted your inquires in the matter of the Blue Carbuncle last Yuletide past. As I have previously noted the inimitable Bradstreet has become enamored with the discourse of a lowly penny dreadful publisher who is amazingly enough a solicitor! Inspector Bradstreet sends over notes and telegrams and posts every few minutes. He comments on the musings of every other person who contacts this somewhat pusillanimous prevaricator to the point of obsession that is most unseemly to a Detective of his stature at Scotland Yard. Inspector Bradstreet constantly touts the musings of this discourse and seeks converts and followers with the zeal of the most fanatic Spanish evangelist or an East End tart.

I must confess that this state of affairs has dumbfounded me as I had always considered Inspector Bradstreet as an estimable personage and fount of good common sense. It seems that he is obsessed with every single missive that comes in the post. He must provide a response to every such jot and tittle. Now it has become even more troublesome as it seems he has returned to the odious Salon of Lady Chatterley to post and riposte and otherwise act the fool and the jackanape. Even worse he has pursued a strange and revolting flirtation with a former nurse who has been banned from practice because of her habit of performing abortions and mercy killings of the elderly. I cannot prove it but I believe that she was originally solicited to the Salon by Lady Chatterley’s paramour to dispose of the addled chanteuse so that the gardener might inherit the estate. Inspector Bradstreet seems to have followed this soiled nightingale from Salon to Salon to continue their perverted intercourse. It beggars the imagination to determine what joy can be found in such foul doings but I am a simple man and rely on your vaunted sophistication and sublime intellect to provide some guidance in this most troublesome matter.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art. I know that he felt moving to the country would be salubrious and conducive to his health. I just hope that he can confine his attentions to farm animals and cease his attentions to young boys that has led to the unpleasantness with the Metropolitan Police. I do not know if I can smooth over another incident. Especially if it occurs in the countryside.  As you know goats don’t lie. Or speak. A word to the wise.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Demented Diasporia

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the salon frequented by Lady Chatterley and her merry band of sycophants, lickspittles and refugees from Bedlam. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but seems that den of iniquity has sunken into irrelevancy and is no longer our concern. However now it seems that new developments in different precincts lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were.  This place is now deserted and lonely most of the time as so many of the participants have fled to what they must feel are more salubrious environment.

The Yard has ceased its inquiries into the doings of this perverted salon as contact has soiled the reputations and the very psyche of any agents we have sent to observe the untoward activities of these demented sybarites. It seems that this group has scattered to the four winds never to be gathered together in its disreputable glory. Several have decamped to a pestilence filled tavern run by a drunken Latin sailor who has not two wits to rub together. It had some currency for a while but now it seems to be have been mostly deserted as most have been chased away by the ranting conversation of the chef who never lets one word do the work when fifty could be shouted at the top of his lungs. His discourses on politics and society are loudly and emphaticly shouted and most ignore it as best they can because they wait his discussion of the proper preparation of spotted dick which is his specialty.

Some others of these poor souls have decamped for all places a solicitor’s office where conversation is carried on in muted tones subject to rules and regulations that are beyond my keen. The level of discourse seems quite banal yet soothing to many of a limited intellect and diminished sensibility similar to that of a toad or turtle. How this has come to pass is a mystery but it is to be hoped that these people will amuse themselves sufficiently so that they will not trouble the rest of society.

My question to you is do you know of a way to ensure that this rabble will be contained in these various sinkholes and kept away from any social intercourse with the rest of our society. I feel that the safety of her Majesty’s realm depends upon it.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and I hope that he has recovered from that strange malady that struck him last December. I note that he has not returned to the club since he lost all of his hair and the little finger on his left hand. I trust that this was the result of a case and not a more serious malady. I can suggest certain exercises that might ensure the return of certain hirsute characteristics but it would only be effective for his palm and not help him with the loss of a finger so to speak.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899

The Return of the Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now it seems that new developments lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were.

The Yard has ceased its inquiries into the doings of this disreputable salon as contact has soiled the reputations and the very psyche of any agents we have sent to observe the untoward activities of these demented sybarites. However it has been communicated to us that the name of Lord Douchebag has been mentioned several times in the last few days. In fact the foul leader of this coven has written to all of her disciples asking that Lord Douchebag be remembered and celebrated. This seems passing strange as he seems to have been forgotten by all and sundry these many months. Why bring him up now? Perhaps there is some fresh devilment in store as the Devil casts out for the help of her lesser demons. It is passing strange and I request you thoughts as to why it has happened.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that he had a terrible falling out with Lady Chatterley or more accurately with her lover the underemployed gardener. I understand he has been out of communication with most of his friends and has not appeared at the club for quite some time. I hope all is well with him.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899

The Return of the Douche Bag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you will no doubt remember it has been many  years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must regretfully opportune regarding another most distressing matter.

As you must be aware you are considered the preeminent expert on animal crimes and events that have transpired here Her Majesty’s own homeland. You deft handling of the ferocious Hound of the Baskervilles and your expert extermination of the Giant Rat of Sumatra are only two of the exploits that have led Scotland Yard to deem you for all eternity Sherlock Holmes Pet Detective.

I contact you today with a request that at first blush might seem unusual. It seems that our undercover agent in the Salon of the odious Lady Chatterley reports some disturbing information that we must take cognizance of if we are to protect our sainted shores. As you are aware the erstwhile enigmatic correspondent Lady Chatterley lives on a farm noted for debris and debauchery. Sad reminders of prior bacchanalia are strewn about. Empty liquor bottles. Female undergarments. Dog feces. Rot.

Amongst all of this dross there is in fact one sign of positive life. A warren of rabbits has taken up residence in said garden. The population ebbs and flows. Occasionally the harridan loses her composure and traipse into the garden to attack the poor rabbits and beat them about the head and neck and chase them out of the garden. At one point she had totally emptied the warren of all of its inhabitants. But rabbits are a doughty if dim breed and they seem to enjoy punishment. So many have returned to take the abuse and calumny heaped upon their furry heads. In this they are nurtured by the waspish woman’s concubine the underemployed gardener who tends to the rabbits when not servicing his mistress or grooming her rather unusually hairy feet. Normally this would not be a matter for our concern but a new element has emerged that forces us to take notice.

It seems another rabbit has been introduced to the warren and it has proceeded to dominate the farm and the surrounding woods to the point that it would drive out all of the native fauna to the detriment of the land. Black in color with matted fur and unusual stench as if it was comprised of unwashed fecal matter this rodent originates in Africa. I would ask that you intervene to say our Majesty’s forest. We will term this the Case of the Jungle Bunny.

I await your response as to this distasteful matter.

My best to your estimable roommate Dr. Watson who I have heard is under the weather due to a recurrence of his piles. I would remind him that the best remedy to avoid further attacks of this malady is to avoid spicy foods and your brother Mycroft.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Solicitor's Suitor.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

It seems that one of most astute detectives has gone over the moon and lost all of his professional perspective. You will remember Inspector Bradstreet who so ably assisted your inquires in the matter of the Blue Carbuncle last Yuletide past. It seems that the inimitable Bradstreet has become enamored with the discourse of a lowly penny dreadful publisher who is amazingly enough a solicitor! Inspector Bradstreet sends over notes and telegrams and posts every few minutes. He comments on the musings of every other person who contacts this somewhat pusillanimous prevaricator to the point of obsession that is most unseemly to a Detective of his stature of Scotland Yard. Inspector Bradstreet constantly touts the musings of this discourse and seeks converts and followers with the zeal of the most fanatic Spanish evangelist. He even attempted to proselytize Inspector Gregson who as you might remember has fallen into a dreamlike revere as he contemplates his own bowel movements and small rather ugly spaniels.

I must confess that this state of affairs has dumbfounded me as I had always considered Inspector Bradstreet as an estimable personage and fount of good common sense wisdom. Since you had worked closely with him I beg your indulgence and ask for your assistance. Would it possible for you to talk to Inspector Bradstreet to remind him that all solicitors are at base corrupt and debased and not to be trusted in the realm of social intercourse. He has seemed to have lost all perspective and acts like a follower of that noted fop and socialist Wilde. I only prey that he has not adopted any of his more outré practices that might come to the attention of the upper echelon of the yard.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art. I hope he was not offended that I returned his etching of the naked Greek boys frolicking in a banana grove but I am afraid that it was not to my taste and did indeed scandalize my wife. Please assure him that I do appreciate his talent and if ever he assays a depiction of beagles playing whist on black velvet I would most assuredly place it in a place of honor above my familial hearth.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Traveling Collections

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been quite some time since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work you brother Mycroft had formerly been engaged with the Foreign Office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoys, tattooed lascars and young deaf boys in his rooms at the club. A recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

However it seems that the Yard must now make inquiries. It has come to our attention that your brother has been evicted from his lodgings and is temporary indisposed. He has found shelter with friends in Hampshire  as he has temporarily ended his work with watercolors and etchings that had previously been his hobby and salvation. I know that your brother has never sought remuneration in the amount that his talent deserves and therefore is temporarily out of pocket. Dr. Watson has told me that he was forced to store most of his furnishing in the attic and basement of one of Mrs. Hudson’s other properties but that this situation must soon come to an end. Dr. Watson had stated that you are trying to gather sufficient funds to move these treasured items to your much loved siblings new abode so he might continue his avocation of creating beauty in this troubled vail of tears.

Please know that I would endeavor to contribute to the cause along with my brethren including Inspectors Gregson, Higgins and Reade. In fact many of those who you have aided in the commission of their duties stand ready to contribute what they can. The salary of a mere constable or inspector is not great but we still can contribute something to help your estimable brother.

Please be sure to inform me of how to transmit these funds so they might be most properly be utilized. I would imagine it would be expensive to safely transport Mycroft’s collection of narwhale tusks, rubber garments, hookah bowls and statues of hairless Greek boys. Early begun is soonest done so I beseech you to keep your friends informed as to how we might assist in this endeavor.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is recovered from his recent troubles with his distended bowel. When last I saw him he was in great pain and I hope he has found ease by resting his fundament on that circular pillow of his invention.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Hebraic Hesitation

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been quite some time since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance
of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work you brother Mycroft does with the Foreign office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoy’s and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. However a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

It seems that your brother has obtained a strange and perverted friendship with a young baker who has an establishment strangely enough right on Baker’s Street. It is not inconceivable that your brother might conceive a friendship with a tradesman. What is strange is that this tradesman is in fact a woman. We are well aware of Mr. Mycroft Holmes affinity for snack cakes and pastries but in all of our experience we have yet to see him attempt social intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. This of course led to some interest from my superiors if only because of the secrets entrusted to his care.

It seems that this hoyden has tempted your brother with delicious snack cakes and pastries to such a degree that he is passing some state secrets that were best kept in the confines of the Foreign office. Our investigation has shown that he might not even be aware of this but that his greed for tasty sugary treats has loosened not only his considerable bowels but his tongue as well.

As I am sure you are aware the Foreign office has been in negotiation with the Sultan of Araby regarding some mining concessions and coaling stations on the coast of Persia. This exotic and secretive land has long been a source of contention among the great powers. Now it seems they have resources that her Majesty’s government must access in the most expeditious manner possible. However the internal affairs of this despotic pesthole have precluded direct discussions.  It seems the attacks and murders of their Hebrew citizens have been so scandalous that Prime Minister Disraeli has refused to negotiate with them. This would seem to stem from the fact that Dizzy is in fact a Hebrew but it also can be ascribed to the barbarous behavior of these carpet fanciers. Negotiations have stalled.

Your brother has been the one voice who has stood firm against the Prime Minister in this matter. I have been charged with determining whether this is his own belief or the influence of his new friend. It seems this baker has some animus towards those of the Hebraic persuasion and might unduly influence your brother by withholding her tasty treats as it were. I would ask for your indulgence in this matter and your assistance in getting to the bottom of this matter.

As an aside with regards to bottoms you might assure your brother that we have hushed up the recent incident that he was involved with at the orphanage.  He will of course have to accept the fact that he will not be able to foster the young untouchable that he had wanted to adopt from the slums of Delhi. This issue is closed and should not factor into your discussion regarding the Persians and the Jews.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is recovered from his recent bout with pink eye. When last I saw him he was squinting to such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my impertinence and join you in your efforts in this matter.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Importuning Gardener.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade and once again I must ask for your assistance in a matter of the upmost urgency. It concerns the matter of the dowager Lady Chatterley and her gardener cum lover and their strange and mysterious activities that have come to the attention of the Yard. 

You will of course recall the strange and troubling matter of Doctor Henry Jekyll in which the Yard called upon you to offer you consulting services. Dr. Jekyll was well known as an honorable and caring member of the medical profession. But as you will well recall a hulking and devious mountebank took over the estate of Dr. Jekyll in the form of one Mr. Hyde who proceeded to dissipate his fortune and bring his name scandal and disrepute.

It seems that the same events are repeating themselves in the behavior of the gardener cum lover of the spinster Lady Chatterley. The most vile and scurrilous language has issued from said personage as he wanders the streets importuning passerby for a tuppence to honor the great contributions Lady Chatterley has supposedly made to Her Majesty realm. He is boisterous and rude and affects the countenance of a drunken sot who is beyond the dictates of civilized social intercourse. In fact Inspector Gregson has posited the lack of intercourse has driven him mad. This rude gardener has taken to pounding on the doors of the former members of Lady Chatterley’s salon to demand payment of what he considers their just due. Of which all who encounter him just shudder and turn away. Locking their doors and securing their windows.

There is a further complication that has aroused some serious concern within her Majesty’s government. Although this obnoxious gardener has disturbed the grace of many former acquaintances it is indeed the effect he has on their pets that is passing strange. It seems that the spirited canine companions of most these complainants will not bare their fangs even when the gardener becomes abusive and deranged. I know you had solved the mysterious case of the Hound of the Baskervilles when you realized that the dog did not bark. But what does it mean when these noble beasts cower and whimper and hide their anus?

It is most important that you enlighten me since as you know Her Majesty is very fond of animals and would not countenance any abuse of any of the four legged residents of her realm.

Once again I must beg to ask your forgiveness for my incessant requests but in the interest of avoiding a tragic denouncement such as occurred in the case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I must beg your counsel.  Please convey my best wishes to you brother Mycroft and tell him that matter of the lascar with the protruding harelip has been resolved without any repercussions to either his reputation or standing at the club.. Please assure him that we do not believe anything about the unfortunate incident and it will not be part of his permanent record. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 29, 1899

 

The Case of the Well Barbequed Cock

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade and once again I must ask for your assistance in a matter of the upmost urgency. It concerns the matter of the dowager Lady Chatterley and her gardener cum lover and their strange and mysterious activities that have come to the attention of the Yard. 

As you may or may not know the Home Office has instituted a policy of reading all mail posted through Her Majesty’s postal system. This is due to the ongoing dangers presented by foreign entities that include both the Czar of all the Russia’s and the Germany so viciously directed by Count Von Bismarck. These external adversaries are so dangerous that it was felt by all of the cabinet that all correspondence must be monitored to determine if any treason was afoot. Your brother Mycroft was fully aware of this most closely held state secret as he is involved in the vetting process through his position in the Home Office. So it is somewhat disquieting when I examine what has recently come to light.

It seems that a most vicious and violent exchange has been occurring between your brother and the gardener cum lover of the spinster Lady Chatterley. The most vile and scurrilous language these hastily scrawled missives so distressed the minor functionary who first opened it that he sent it directly to the Yard and bypassed the review process. These incendiary testaments are most disturbing and obviously the product of a diseased mind with an obsessive need to vindicate past transgressions. I have not seen such ravings outside the walls of Whitechapel over the bodies of eviscerated prostitutes.

I hesitate to approach your brother directly over this matter. I would ask you to contact him and inquire if he has been intercepting these feeble ravings of a disordered intellect? They were addressed to him after all so he might have felt that no one else would need to be apprised. You know how “touchy” he can be.

I have personally always had a most convivial relationship with your brother and have spent many a night in his company at the club where he would regale us with wondrous recipes for beverages and the preparation of poultry. It was passing strange that all of said recipes involved a male bird but such are the eccentricities of genius. He often said that he endeavored to devour a plump cock each and every day. I pray that he is successful with such a fruitful enterprise.

Once again I must beg to ask your forgiveness for my incessant requests but in the interest of comity I think it best that you obtain this information from your sibling. Please convey my best wishes to Mycroft and tell him that my wife much admires his work with young deaf boys. Please assure him that we do not believe anything about this that was recently published in the Police Gazette.

 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899

The Tale of the Latin in his cups with Red Sox

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened what has become many years ago. However today I must enquire about an offshoot of that regrettable incident. 

You will of course recall the matter of Lady Chatterley and her paramour the Gardener who had set up a salon which the last locale the Lord Douchebag had be seen by reliable witnesses. The yard had sent young Inspector Gregson to reconnoiter and perhaps to insert himself into their comity. As you will recall it seems that young Gregson had inserted himself into the wrong place as he resigned from the yard and is living in bachelor quarters with a swarthy sepoy lieutenant and two rather ugly spaniels. Much the same situation as you and Dr Watson. But we need not dwell on that.

 

In any event a strange report has surfaced about the salon of Lady Chatterley. It seems she has expelled all of the toady’s and lickspittles who comprised her close companions and acquaintances. They had curried favor and praised her most eccentric views for many a years in an attitude of obeisance and featly worthy of a Hindu worshiping a dairy cow. It seems that this was not enough and Lady Chatterley has expelled them all from her salon and out into the night. They were devastated and confused and can be found wandering in the streets of Whitechapel even as we speak.

 

I would like you opinion if I should make enquiry  as to why this occurred. Was there some precipitating event or has her ladyship reached her dotage and is beyond the keen of normal folk. From your last missive I gather you feel she is dangerous and might have something to do with the strange disappearance of Lord Douchebag. You will remember that you thought we should look into her gardener cum lover who was often seen digging in the garden in the dark of night. There is something not quite right about him.

 

I do have one lead to follow up. It seems that some of the dispersed band

of acolytes have found succor in the inn of a dubious character from the Americas. He is a swarthy Latin type know for late night muisical musings intoxicated while wearing a cap and red sox. The tenor of their meetings have been rum soaked yet jovial and the smoke filled room has been described as a more convivial and healthy abode. I would beseech you to visit and give me your evaluation using the scientific method of deduction that has proven so helpful these past few years.

My best to Doctor Watson who I know is recovering from an attack of the piles that torment him so. I know he had recently spent a week in the country with your brother Mycroft and his attacks always seem to come

as soon as he returns. Perhaps there is some connection.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899