The Case of the Hebraic Hesitation

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been quite some time since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance
of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work you brother Mycroft does with the Foreign office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoy’s and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. However a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

It seems that your brother has obtained a strange and perverted friendship with a young baker who has an establishment strangely enough right on Baker’s Street. It is not inconceivable that your brother might conceive a friendship with a tradesman. What is strange is that this tradesman is in fact a woman. We are well aware of Mr. Mycroft Holmes affinity for snack cakes and pastries but in all of our experience we have yet to see him attempt social intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. This of course led to some interest from my superiors if only because of the secrets entrusted to his care.

It seems that this hoyden has tempted your brother with delicious snack cakes and pastries to such a degree that he is passing some state secrets that were best kept in the confines of the Foreign office. Our investigation has shown that he might not even be aware of this but that his greed for tasty sugary treats has loosened not only his considerable bowels but his tongue as well.

As I am sure you are aware the Foreign office has been in negotiation with the Sultan of Araby regarding some mining concessions and coaling stations on the coast of Persia. This exotic and secretive land has long been a source of contention among the great powers. Now it seems they have resources that her Majesty’s government must access in the most expeditious manner possible. However the internal affairs of this despotic pesthole have precluded direct discussions.  It seems the attacks and murders of their Hebrew citizens have been so scandalous that Prime Minister Disraeli has refused to negotiate with them. This would seem to stem from the fact that Dizzy is in fact a Hebrew but it also can be ascribed to the barbarous behavior of these carpet fanciers. Negotiations have stalled.

Your brother has been the one voice who has stood firm against the Prime Minister in this matter. I have been charged with determining whether this is his own belief or the influence of his new friend. It seems this baker has some animus towards those of the Hebraic persuasion and might unduly influence your brother by withholding her tasty treats as it were. I would ask for your indulgence in this matter and your assistance in getting to the bottom of this matter.

As an aside with regards to bottoms you might assure your brother that we have hushed up the recent incident that he was involved with at the orphanage.  He will of course have to accept the fact that he will not be able to foster the young untouchable that he had wanted to adopt from the slums of Delhi. This issue is closed and should not factor into your discussion regarding the Persians and the Jews.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is recovered from his recent bout with pink eye. When last I saw him he was squinting to such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my impertinence and join you in your efforts in this matter.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898