Well that's over.
I just finished playing Santa Claus for the Christmas Tree lighting in Carroll Park. The Court St Merchants sponsored a tree lighting ceremony and they asked me to play Santa. It could have been because I am the fatest bastard on Court St or because I would not have a problem embarrassing myself. Either way I had to carry the can.
Now the president of the Merchants called me to his hardware store on Sunday to pick up the suit. It was one that dated from about 1975 and had the original price sticker on it. $19.95 It was from an immigrant Italian family where the dad dressed up every year and he lent to us. The problem was that guy was about ten inches shorter and about 150 lbs lighter than I am so fit was kinka an issue. Imagine John Goodman trying to fit into Roberto Benigni's pants.
Anyway today I had to scramble to make it right. I went all over town trying to get a pair of red sweatpants as the costume pants wouldn't have fit me when I was seven years old. I finally found a pair in one of our big rivals, the very corporate American Apparel. I did make me feel good because the service really sucked. There were four people standing around who wouldn't help me because they were on a break. The cashier had to stop ringing up a customer to show me where the stuff was. If that was my store I would have killed them where they stood.When I finally got the sales clerk to show me where the sweats were and they only had large. Now normally I wear at least a xxl if not an xxxl. But I had to buy them because they were the only ones within thirty blocks of the store.
Then I hit every notions store or hardware store or Rite-aid that had Christmas stuff. I wanted to find an alternative suit or something. Anything to make it less ridiculous. I ended up buying a fake white beard in a novelty shop owned by this very harassed Korean lady. (more about that in another post).
Anyway when I got back to the store it was time to put the outfit together. Luckily we own a plus size store so I had an oversized black belt to wear. Of course it is one with about six buckles that we call the dominatrix belt but it was the only one that fit me and was wide like Santa's belt. So Santa was wearing and S&M belt. Step one.
Then I squeezed into the size large red sweatpants. Let's just say that Santa's package was squeezed pretty tight if you know what I mean. Luckily I am Irish so it wasn't too "big" a problem. I figured with the cold night shrinkage would take care of most of the rest of the problem. Step two.
I put on the hat with the white hair attached and put on first the beard from the costume and then the new beard I had just bought that would actually touch my lips.
You see I didn't know where Santa's beard had been before I got it. Better safe than sorry.
The only thing that saved me was my elf. Now the Dominican guy who owned the bodega next door was supposed to be my elf but of course he pussied out. No balls. So I had my cousin dress in a hot elf costume that she just happened to have in her closet. She had a green dress and multicolored tights and one of those jester hats and the pointy shoes that the elves wear. She looked adorable. She is a very petite size 2 which is very funny when she is working in a plus size store. She is only 19 and very hot so the dads were all very impressed let me tell you. I figured she could get most of the attention and I could avoid the catcalls from the peanut gallery.
Well my job was to go across the street after they lit the tree and greet the children and take pictures and hand out gifts. Of course it didn't run as expected because it was so cold that they speeded everything up. They started to give the gifts before I got there which was ok by me. You see I don't think the kids were really happy getting a calender from the Real Estate who is desperate to make commissions since the bottom fell out of the market. So I didn't feel too bad about missing that part of the program.
Anyway I went into middle of the crowd of parents with their little kids who were wide eyed at meeting Santa. In the dark freezing cold the retarded Santa Suit didn't look to bad. I had a few little jokes for the kids "Did you email me your lists kids because Santa doesn't do snail mail anymore" or "Sorry I was late because I couldn't find a parking space for my reindeer." The kids were ok with that because they were really tiny little ones. But when I asked them what they wanted for Christmas that the real trouble started.
"So what do you want, a rail road set." "No I want an hybird car with a small carbon foot print."
You see these were the devil spawn of liberal yuppies and we had no common ground. And the moms were a real pain in the ass.
"So what do you want for Christmas kid. An official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle" "We don't play with guns Santa, what's the matter with you."
"Hi kid what do you want for Christmas an Easy Bake Oven." "I don't force my child into gender specific roles. How dare you Santa."
"Hi guy what do you want for Christmas a Hess truck." "We hate the Oil companies. My Mommy says they caused the war."
"How about a GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip?" "My children do not play with war toys."
The only thing that saved me was that there were a lot of pussy whipped dad's who were grooving on my elf assistant with cold nips. So they were all smiles. One little kid was about three and his dad was holding him and I asked what he wanted for Christmas. He said "An elf." His dad said "Me too." About five or six of the other dads said "Yeah me too."
So I took a lot of pictures with the little bastards and their obnoxious parents and it is finally all over. Now I know why the Santa in A&S was always drunk out of his face. It's not the kids. It's the parents.
Ho, Ho. Ho.
