Amazon Prime + Smart TV= Hours of Annoying Gits

So we bought a smart TV which links up to the internet. Now some of it is cool because you can get Pandora to listen to music and download all kinds of stuff on your TV. One of things I found out is that I can download movies and TV from my Amazon Prime Account. But I didn't know what that would mean.

Now we had heard a lot about this "Downtown Abby" show. I thought it was just a reworking of the old "Upstairs Downstairs" bullshit from back in the day. Which it is. But we downloaded the first episode and the wife loved it. So now we have to watch the whole series! Actually all three years of this freaking thing!

So I had to negotiate. For every one of these shows about mincing poofters we have to watch a "Justified" or another superhero movie.

I need to dumb down the smart TV.

You got to pick your spots!

We were watching this "Absolutely Fabulous" marathon and I was pretty bored. The wife loved it because she saw them when they first came out and she loved them. But the seemed like all the same show to me. Two ditzy broads with a crazy mother and the daughter who had to act like the mother. So I was on the lap top sitting in my chair while it was on. I would look up now and then and not be interested. Except for this one episode.

In it the two dimwit broads where trying to set up an orgy while the daughter was off doing a school project. And in some crazy way the videocassette of their orgy was playing at her school instead of the daughter's project. It was an orgy scene. I looked up and said "Oh that's Kay Parker, Aunt Peg,Dorothy LeMay and Mike Ranger. That's the original Taboo directed by Kirdy Stevens. They just put Edwina in the orgy scene."

You see I have an encyclopedic knowledge of eighties porn from when we used to watch it in the back of the video store. All of my friends do. But that isn't something the wife actually needs to know. Word to the Wise. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. So to Speak. Just sayn'

I let the wife control the remote last night....big mistake!

She had us watch an "Absolutey Fabulous" marathon. Six episodes On Demand. I couldn't understand half the shit they were talking about.

But it did seem a lot like all the people we have met who are working on the show. Damn but there is shitpot full of producer's. We are going to meet them all today.
I am going to tell them the same thing I tell all our employees:

"Listen you only have to remember one thing, if you make my wife yell at me because of something you do then I will kill you. I will cut off your head and throw you in the sewer. You life means nothing to me."

Game of Thrones- as heard by the wife

So we watched the first episode of Game of Thrones last night. Now I got in a lot of trouble with my last post about this. I want to be clear. My wife is a very intelligent woman. She built her own business and is a designer and has a million things on her mind. Of course she can follow a road runner cartoon. I was just joking. Since she never reads my blog I usually get away with it but she read it this time and was not amused.

So to be clear. She does not have ADD. Just "Symptoms of ADD."

Anyway we are watching the show and every once in a while I would have to pause it to explain the action. There is this one scene where the king rides into Winterfel with his whole court to talk to Ned Stark. She says to me "Why is he going all that way to visit him in his castle." I go "Well he is asking him to be the Hand of the King." She goes "Why does he want him to be the Ed McMahon of the King."

So you see. Just symptoms of ADD.

Winter is coming!

So one of the few prerogatives as a man that really means anything to me is that I get to control the remote control. And peeing standing up but that's another discussion.

Anywho I have to control the remote because if the wife gets control of it we end up watching some stupid chick movie with Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts or some shit like that there. Now don't get me wrong. Our viewing schedule is heavy with stuff like Justified and Sons of Anarchy and Hard Core Pawn but we watch stuff she likes such as all the Housewife shows and Army Wives and Desperate Housewives and any fucking show with Wives in the title. I watch them cheerfully or at least I try not to snore too loudly. Although last night I started to snore through the Biography channel special about Frank Niti. I have been very tired.

So I have been trying to lay the ground work for the HBO series "Game of Thrones" based on one of George RR Martins novels. It is a very complicated plot and if you have not read the book you have no chance of following it. Which is a problem because the wife is so ADD she has trouble paying attention to the Road Runner cartoons I love to put on. I often have to pause the show to explain who is who and what is what. That was a big pain in the ass in "Boardwalk Empire" and she was interested in that since some people who worked on it shop in the store. So I have careful to try to get her interested in "Game of Thrones."

Now HBO has helped because it has set up a bunch of little snippets explaining the various "houses" and characters and the setting and what not. So we have seen them all and I have explained how they fit into the show. And they took a page out of the current style of Science fiction writers and put up the first 15 minutes of the first show. Sort of like SM Stirling's or Eric Flint printing chapters or snippets of their newest book.

Well we watch the whole thing and it is great. Outstanding photography. Great action. Scary shit with supernatural forces and stuff. Obviously a multi-million dollar production of one of the most popular fantasy series of the last two decades based on a series of best sellars. And after all of that the wife turned to me and said:

"I don't like it. Their hair is too dirty. I can't watch a series where everybody has dirty hair."

Boardwalk Empire didn't do it for the Jersey Shore.

I saw the eagerly anticipated Boardwalk Empire that was written by Terry Winter of Soprano's fame and direct by Scorcese and I was not that impressed.

I mean they spent a lot of money on the sets and the costumes but they didn't spend a dime on the exposition. I am intimately familar with the period and I had to stop every five minutes to explain to the wife what was going on.

Luckily she fell asleep about a half an hour in or I would have shut it off.

I really hope it picks up or I will be force to switch to "Say Yes to the Dress."

I kinda lost the thread on American Idol

I kinda just gave up after my favorite Siobhan got bounced. We haven't seen the results show from last week or this weeks Sinatra show yet. You see we watch everything on DVR when we get home from the store.

With two Real Housewives, Glee, Modern Family, The Mentalist, The Good Wife and Justified there are too many things to catch up with. So we haven't seen Idol.

Now the wife wants to see who got kicked off. She doesn't go on the net or read the paper so she has no idea. So I guess we have to catch up.

We are going to the wine and cheese now. And no one has guessed who the mystery guest star was supposed to be. I don't know if she will show up. We will have to see what we have to see.

One hint: It's not Paula.

"I just want to enter my house justified"

There is a great line in the great movie "Ride the High Country" where Joel McRae turns to Randolph Scott and says "I just want to enter my house justified."

Well I caught this new TV series called "Justified" that is pretty cool. It stars the Marshall Bullock dude from Deadwood as a US Marshal with a quick trigger. He goes up against an white supremacist Nazi dude played by the guy who played Shane on "The Shield." Set in coal mining Kentucky it is a fast moving tough violent TV show that has a different feel to it. Don't get me wrong, it has that FX feel like their other great series such as "The Shield", "Rescue Me", and "Sons of Anarchy." But it beats the shit out of Law and Oder/CSI that is every other freaking show on TV these days.

This is one of the shows I get to watch after spending hours watching "The Real Housewives" and "Say Yes to the Dress." It has a lot of potential.

It is highly recommended in my book.

It's not the trill of victory!

The wife loves the Olympics. Especially the Winter Olympics! Ice skating. Ice dancing. Ice speed skating.

The only time I like ice is when it is in a rocks glass with some brown liquid.

But it helps with insomnia theatre. Last night we saw the American girl pull it out and win the ski jump thingy. And the Apollo Creed guy deeked two Koreans out and won a medal. She loved all that stuff.

Me, I got to snooze though it all. Win/win.

Help, Help me Rhoda

What's funny about the old time shows is that they are so entertaining without having to have a serial killer or an autopsy or something every five minutes. When we watch Rhoda there always seems to be something funny or surprising in the episode. Now of course some of it is the context and what we know now. In one episode we saw Joan Van Ark play the first wife of Joe, Rhoda's husband. Now if you remember her long run on Knots Landing that was pretty funny. But it didn't beat Mr. Roper.

You see last night's episode had Ida, Rhoda's mother convinced that she was having an affair with Norman Fell (Mr. Roper from Three's Company) and begging Rhoda to help her break it up. The dynamic of the crazy mother with the two daughters was so on the point that my wife called up her mom and sister and had them listen to the dialogue through the freakin' phone. I mean that doesn't happen with Law and Order, Postal Inspector now does it?

Me, I just sat there and laughed my ass off at the whole thing.

Return of insomnia theatre!

So we had a return of insomnia theatre last night.

You see we were so exhausted that we slept until 3 in the afternoon on New Years Day and the wife couldn't go to sleep. Me, I can go to sleep anywhere anytime. But she wasn't able to drop off so she put on the Twilight Zone marathon on the cable. Now that's fine as far as it goes but periodically she would elbow me and ask me who the actor or actress was in the show. "Hey it's the Odd Couple guy?" "Jack Klugman."
"Captain Kirk." "William Shatner." "The gay guy from Butch Cassidy." "I don't know it could be either one, leave me alone."

But finally they had the one where this Joey Gallo guy dies and thinks he is in heaven. He wins at gambling and has all these broads and a great hotel suite all set up by this chubby bearded dude all dressed in white. The twist was that he wasn't in heaven but instead he was in hell where he got everything he wanted and was bored to death. So the wife elbows me and says "I know that guy who is it?" "I go it is Sebastien Cabot, you know Mr. French the butler guy." "Oh yeah that's right." "But this episode is bullshit." "What do you mean?" "Listen everybody knows Buffy was Satan."

Life is not fair.

So last night we are watching this cool new show called "Men of a Certain Age."

It stars Ray Romano and Andre Braugher and Scott Bakula as three middle aged guys. So we are watching it and Andre Braugher looks paticularly pitiful as he displays his big gut and man boobs. In this episode he is selling cars and everyone is coming in to talk to him and they all ask for the "Fat Guy." It was funny to see how they were struggling to hike and even to get out of chairs. My wife turned to me and said "Wow those guys got really old." I said to her "You know what's sick shit?""No what?" "They are all three years younger than me. So don't make fun of me when I spring a leak sitting in my easy chair."

I guess I am at that certain age.

Why TV is like real life.

One of my favorite shows came back on TV last week. My Boys which is the story of this chick sportswriter who hangs out with a bunch of guys. The jokes and the ball busting reminds me of me and my friends both in real life and on the internet. Anyway there was a long back and forth last season but this year she starts dating one of the guys. Now at first they tried to keep it a secret but everyone is so up in each other's business that was impossible. So they decided to come clean and announce it. They knew they were going to be razzed unmercifully. Every day. But some things are worth the ball busting. Just sayn'

Thank God for boring television.

The photo shoot looks like it is going to last past one in the morning. So when we get home we will be exhausted. Thank God there is this really boring Canadian television show Davinci's Inquest that we can put on that will put us right to sleep.

Thank you CBC.

We may have found the answer to Insomnia Theatre.

We may have found the answer to Insomnia theatre where we search for something to put us to sleep when we are tossing and turning. It's a Canadian show called "Cold Squad" which is an obvious rip off of the CBS show "Cold Case." Anyway it is set in Vancouver and the acting and stories are incredibly inept. But what really works is the dull and sonorous tone. I mean it is deadly boring and in a Canadian accent yet. Eh.

There are a few glitches. The wife keeps waking me up to tell her who the actors resemble:
the old detective guy looks like like the guy in the garage with the Puerto Rican guy.....oh Jack Albertson.....the forensic doctor with the skinny nose and the dark brown hair looks like that actress...you know not that one.. the other one.....oh you mean Natalie Portman.....the star of the show with the dyed red butch hair cut looks like someone.....who Tim's wife....yeah that's it.

Once we get all that sorted out it is the perfect boring show to fall asleep with it droning in the background.

Finally those dirty Canucks are good for something.

Oh yes Master!

Jeannie: Master is football more important to you than I am?

Major Nelson: Of course not, that's like comparing oranges and lemons.

Jeannie: And I'm the lemon.

Major Nelson: Well only if I get to squeeze you till you get nice and juciy.

Jeannie: Oh master I am all nice and juicy now....come let me show something I learned many years ago in a glass blowing factory in Islamabad. You can keep watching football. You are my master. (Several loud booms are hear)

Major Nelson: What's that.

Jeanie: Don't worry master, that is just Meade's head exploding. Now back to business.

(I Dream of Jeanie, 1965)

In your marraige you should act like a dick.......... A Dick Van Dyke

Rob Petrie: Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
Laura Petrie: There is every reason for my behavior - I'm angry!
Rob Petrie: Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
Laura Petrie: For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Rob Petrie: Well, what are you angry with me for?
Laura Petrie: I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me for being angry with you.
Rob Petrie: Well, is there anything I can do to patch up this little quarrel you're having among yourself so I can get out of the doghouse?
Laura Petrie: Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
(Rob leans over to kiss her on the neck)
Laura Petrie: Not on the neck.
(Rob kisses her lightly on the cheek)
Laura Petrie: That's better.
(Rob kisses her lightly on the lips)
Laura Petrie: Almost.
(smiles)
Laura Petrie: (they embrace and kiss deeply) Oh, yes.
(they resume their kiss)

(The Dick Van Dyke Show)

Grand Hotel is playing on Free Movies on Demand this week.

Grusinskaya: Can you imagine a hundred girls in the ballet school, each thinking she would become the most famous dancer in all the world? I was ambitious then. We were drilled like little soldiers. No rest, no stopping. I was little, slim, but hard as a diamond. Then I became famous and - But why am I telling you all this? Last night, I didn't know you at all. Who are you, really? Baron Felix von Geigern: What?

Grusinskaya: I don't even know your name.

Baron Felix von Geigern: [laughs] I am Felix Benvenuto Freihern von Geigern. My mother called me "Flix".

Grusinskaya: [joyously] No! Flix! Oh, that's sweet. And how do you live? And what kind of a person are you?

Baron Felix von Geigern: I'm a prodigal son, the black sheep of a white flock. I shall die on the gallows.

(Grand Hotel, 1932)

My mother in law is coming over on Christmas Day.

Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

Sure it looks funny in the cartoons but just wait until you put someones eye out!

New York Post Police Blotter (December 16, 2008)

A two-time Emmy-winning set designer for the soap opera "Guiding Light" was pounded on the head with a frying pan and hammer early yesterday in a squabble with his elderly wife, law-enforcement sources said.

Harry B. Miller, 84, dashed out of his Upper East Side apartment at around 2 a.m. after his 79-year-old wife, Zdenka Kral, assaulted him, sources said. A doorman called cops.
When police arrived, they broke down a bedroom door, and found Kral, a doctor, unconscious after apparently taking prescription drugs, sources said.

Both were taken to Lenox Hill Hospital. Miller was later released but his wife remained hospitalized.