If you have very expensive Lemons......

Don't buy them. Don't make very expensive lemonade.

I drink Lemon water now. No wine. No beer. No cocktails. Just lemons squeezed into Smart water with a lot of ice and some Stevia for sweetness. It is actually not bad. Sort of like lemonade but without all the sugar. It is a great diuretic and makes me piss like a race horse.

So I buy a lot of fucking lemons. When I saw that sign in Gourmet Fresh I went nuts. I went on a rant about how the hell can they charge so much for a freaking lemon. Now normally the big lemons are 99cents each. So I misread the sign and thought it was $3.99 a lemon. Still that is pretty fucking expensive for a fucking lemon. Shit.

It was a tough day yesterday.

So it has been a really tough couple of days. We get a call yesterday from the store...the phones are not working! Now that is bad enough but when the phone line doesn't work....the credit card machine doesn't work. So I can't make any money.

We immediately contacted Verizon and they bullshitted us that it was a problem with the store. That we had to pull out the jacks to "reset' it and it should be fine. Well we did and nothing changed. Five calls later we found out that it wasn't just our store....it was a whole area where a junction box got fried. They said it will not be fixed until Friday night around seven o'clock. That means I am without a credit card machine from Wednesday morning till Friday night. How about them apples?

We cobbled together a temporary band aid. As each customer came in we sold them the goods through our website. Of course I had to refund the shipping but what are you gonna do?

We were so pissed we decided to go to Marco Polo for a cocktail for the first time in a while as we had still been sick. The joint was empty for some reason. I guess it was a combination of being a beautiful night and that it was Wednesday. Anyway we decided to sit with Tony at the bar.

It was time to try something different so we went with the taste of mango which was run with crushed mango and mint and some peach bitters. It was tasty but not enough of a kick for me so I went with a different drink on the next round. We kept it light with a baked ricotta in a tomato gazpacho with cumcumber and  a plate of mozzarella in carozza. Then salads. Caesar salad for Lisa and an arugla and fried peaches for me.

We just needed to chill out.

I could really use a drink right now!

  
After a long week a cocktail is a man's reward. Or a woman's for that matter. Don Draper didn't invent that. He just help make it popular again.

I would love to have a martini. A dirty dry gin martini. In a frosty cold glass. Shaken not stirred. Three olives.

I am fucking dying here!

Hey we have to mix it up!

So we went to the show on Tuesday and are dealing with the aftermath all week. Well we tried to go to the show.

You see the rep for Not Your Daughters Jeans made an appointment with us for Tuesday at 4pm. Since we weren't going to buy anything else we went to the Javitts center at exactly 4pm. And the show was closed!
We talked our way in but the booth was totally empty! How about them apples?

We were kind of pissed but we decided to make lemonade out of bad lemons. So we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Incognito in the city for cocktails and appetizers.

Lisa had the Incognito Cosmo and I had a dirty martini. Good stuff.

This Zombie shit is overdone....

Lately we have been having quite a few of our customers come in to shop and we have been taking them out for dinner and drinks. It is a relaxing end of the summer so we can get away. When someone comes in who was on the show we usually take them out for drinks and dinner as sort of a thank you.

On Wednesday it was one of the girls who was on the show and her mom who came to the store for a girls night out. They shopped...went for lunch....then shopped some more....and went out with us for drinks. We went over to my favorite Enoteca where I ordered a cheese plate and a thin crust pizza just for us to munch on. As I had said they have great cocktails and we ordered some for a pre-dinner drink. Now the Mom asked for a Black Russian but Jay the waiter brought over a White Russian instead. Which I thought was better because your Russians should be like your presidents.....so the woman wanted to send it back. I said wait a minute bring it right over here and I enjoyed it along with my rum and coke. All in all we had a great time. After our customers left we went out to sit at the sidewalk cafe to enjoy a final drink and some funny stuff happened (but that's for another post).

Anyway this past Thursday Jenny Gems came to the store. She brought some rings for me to look at as I am getting Lisa a new wedding ring for our Anniversary. So we were checking the stuff out and she did some shopping and we decided to go for dinner. But we wanted to do something different. You see Jenny used to live in the neighborhood before she got married and moved to the end of Long Island. So she knows a lot of the joints and has her own opinions. The last couple of times she came by on a Monday and we ended up going to Casa Rosa to eat as she likes the food. As you might remember I have a beef with the owner so I don't like to go there all that much but the few times we go with Jenny Gems means we won't be totally at war. I mean I spent so much fucking money in the guys place and he would just bust my balls. After he closes up he liked to ride in his car real slow and look in the windows or the sidewalk cafes to see where people we eating. He never failed to tell me as I would be walking by "I saw you eating in the Thai Restaurant last night....or....hey how come you went to Marco Polo instead of my place." Why? Because you are ripping me off man that's why. Jeeez.

Anyway we decide to go out for a drink and back to that Yuppie joint Watty and Meg because the food was ok and Jenny wanted to try it. But their drinks sucked so we decided to go to a bar for a  cocktail first. We go down to Smith St and walk along to see what we can see. We pass a couple of joints and decide to go into this dive called the "Zombie Hut." This is hipster doufous central. It is a Tiki Bar with all the decorations and they specialize in rum drinks like a "Frozen Zombie" or "Mai-Tai's" and "Singapore Slings" and shit like that there. It was full of kids in their early twenties. Their very early twenties. I have stains on my underwear that are older. The girl behind the bar looks like she is twelve. She gets our order. Now we are sitting at the end of the bar. Three people in their fifties. I mean we are too old for this joint but unlike most of the other dumb fucks in there we have money and won't be ordering three dollar PBR's all night. She pours the drinks. And then she asks me for my credit card. SHE ASKS ME FOR MY CREDIT CARD!!!!!!

Now look I know how this works. Most joints let you know when you go in. But I am almost never asked. Because when people see me they know I am a bar guy. And that I am not going to run out on a check. Look you stupid cunt I am fifty fucking six years old and I don't run out on my bar tab. I have been drinking on Court St for thirty five years and nobody ever asked for my credit card. Ever. I wanted to yell "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!" But I mean you can't do that. I just said "Fuck that sweetie" and put a $100 on the bar. And mumbled to myself. But the wife and her friend were having fun taking little monkey drink things out of the swizzle stick glass on the bar so I just sat there and minded my own business.

I am too old for this shit. I like a real bar where you are treated with the respect you have earned by being a functional alcoholic for so many years running. You know where you can get a great cocktail and not have be bumped into by a bunch of douches doing Jaeger shots and PBR's while rooting for the fuckin' Jets on the TV.

I am turning into a fat Clint Eastwood!

GET OFF OF MY FUCKING LAWN AND I WON'T GIVE YOU MY CREDIT CARD YOU DUMB CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Chase Away Guy!

You know talking about bars and hanging out made me think of a type that you always ran into in the bar. We used to call them "The Chase Away Guy!"

He was the guy who would hit on all the chicks in an inept and sleazy way that would make them uncomfortable to the point that they would get up and leave. Now some women could stand up for themselves and would tell him to fuck off. But some of these guys would only get more aggresive when that happened and we ended up having to bounce them out of the bar. What would suck would be that if I was in a joint that didn't have a bouncer. If there was a board as the bartender as often or not they would be a friend of mine and they would ask me to tell the guy to leave. I mean what the fuck? I am just there to enjoy a drink. But I was usually the accountant for the bar and in with the in crowd so they looked at me as management. Or at least their friend who had to help them out.

One day just around this time of year I went out drinking with a friend of mine who was going through a divorce. He was still living in the same apartment with his wife so he never wanted to go home. So he would call me at my job and say "Lets go out for a few drinks after work." "I am working until midnight." "No problem I will meet you then." He wouldn't take no for an answer. I was single and ready to mingle aand I was always ready to chase down some poon so I was up for hanging out until four in the morning and then going in to work the next day. So I told him I would meet up with him at around eleven.

We decided to go to this joint on Second Avenue which was owned by the same guys that owned a joint on Atlantic Avenue where we used to go all the time. We figured maybe there would be a bartender we know working there because they worked in both places so we would get some god buy backs and shit. So we walk in and there is this girl with bunch of tattoo's that we had never met before. It was a Saturday night and it was Valentines Day. So there was me and my friend who was crying about his fuckin' divorce and two Russian douchebags at the other end of the bar who were hitting on the bartender and the waitress who was Russian as well.

Anyway this bitch keeps coming over and chatting us up. She found out that I knew the owner and the other bartenders like Dimitri who also worked there so we knew the same people. It's the shank of the evening and she comes over to complain about the Russians. She goes "I got to get rid of these guys... they are really out of line....so how are we gonna get rid of them." I look at my friend and he looks at me. "What do you mean we white man?" She goes "Com'om help a girl out. I mean what kind of loser doesn't have a date on Valentines Day?" I look at my friend and he looks at me. "We'll be right with you." We threw a fin on the bar and walked out. We took a cab back to Brooklyn and he met his future second wife that very night.

But there is a moral to this story. Every bar has a chase away guy. A guy who is so annoying that you don't want to go to that bar anymore. So if you own that bar....well you should keep that guy under control.

Otherwise people are gonna find another place to hang out.

Just sayn'

Hail hail the gangs all here!

Back in the eighties I used to hang out in this pub called the Quiet Man on 45th St. It was my home away from home. I went there every day for lunch and after work for a few pops before I went home. I might not go both times but I was there at least once a day. It is a lot like how Mat Scudder talks about Armstrongs in the Lawrence Block novels. It was sort of my office and people knew they could find me there or leave a message for me.

I was close friends with a lot of the people who worked there. Well close bar friends. We would go out for drinks after they closed. I would meet up with them in Queens where they lived in Sunnyside or they would come out to Brooklyn. We would go to Atlantic City or the track. A bunch of bartenders and busboys and cute Irish waitresses.

But one week I was busy and for one reason or another I didn't make it to the bar. I was working a lot and I was really tired most of the time so I went straight home. I didn't have time for lunch and called for take out. So you know what happened? They sent out a search party.

A couple of the waitresses came to my office and asked for me. When I went to the reception office they asked me if anybody had pissed me off or if something was wrong. I just told them I was busy but I would be back soon. That Friday I went down for a couple of pops and couldn't pay for a drink. It was a nice feeling that I not only had a place where everybody knew my name but they would miss me if wasn't around.

Or least they would miss my tips.

Anyway I hope I can make this joint be a place like that. Just sayn'

The Great Slob

I was always a natural slob
I liked to lay upon the bed
in undershirt (stained, of
course) (and with cigarette
holes)
shoes off
beerbottle in hand
trying to shake off a
difficult night, say with a
woman still around
walking the floor
complaining about this and
that,
and I'd work up a
belch and say, "HEY, YOU DON'T
LIKE IT? THEN GET YOUR ASS
OUT OF HERE!"

I really loved myself, I
really loved my slob-
self, and
they seemed to also:
always leaving
but almost
always
coming
back.

Alone with everybody

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.


Anonymous submission.
(Charle Bukowski, 1/1/04)

Dinner is served

We have been enjoying the "Skinny Girl" Margarita as a pre-dinner cocktail.

And does a skinny girl always need?

A nice sausage.

Where have all the old people gone.....

My friend Dimitri opened up his place for a one day wine and beer license. He wants to put a wine and chees bar in there but can't seem to get it together. But he had his band play the blues and had a crew of old farts like me that know him from the Waterfront Ale house where he bartends and often plays with his band. It was great way to end the day.

Did you ever have a Nightmare where

There really was not going to be a Happy Ending?

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo says"Hey take a look at those cans!"

You can never get enough of some good looking cans naked in a tub. Just sayn'

Nobody wants to be Harrison Schmidt.

As had come up in a moronic discussion of the space program, nobody wants to be Harrison Schmidt.

You know you are bouncing around with your boys on a Friday night hitting all of your favorite gin mills. But one of the guys brought along this new guy from work and he is trying to fit in. You hit one of your locals and there is a superficially attractive yet psychotic babe that you should really stay away from if you know what's good for you. So the conversation goes like this:

"Hey what about this broad?"

"You might want to give that a Pass-a-dena. You don't want to be Harrison Schmidt."

"Who the fuck is Harrison Schmidt?"

"He's the twelfth guy to land on the moon."

"Oh."

Sorry I have to go.

"Sorry I have to go."

"It's time for cocktails."

"Plus we have to rip off that outfit."

Hey you lowlifes.

Beer is running away with our poll. It is obvious that we are a blue collar beer drinking crowd here at Trooper York's.

Just drink responsibly. You don't want to end up in a bad situation ya know.

So sit back and pop a cold one and enjoy the games. The Yankees are in first place and headed to the series. The entire Mets team is on the disabled list. Boston sucks.

Did I tell you lately the Giants are gonna win the Super Bowl?

Another vote for vodka

She voted for vodka.

She was out mourning the death of Senator Kennedy in the only appropriate way.

Some pavements have all the luck.

Man I hate it that the summer is almost over.

I mean soon it will be Labor Day and before you know it will be Halloween.

I mean Halloween is a very different holiday now than it was when I was a kid. Now gangs of kids come out to stores and demand candy like little gangsters. That's why we close every Halloween.

Plus there is way too much underage drinking.

You see these idiots puking everywhere.

She voted for wine.

All the classiest chicks love wine. Especially white wine. Chilled. In an ice bucket. It's very sweet so you don't realize how much you have had until you try to get up.

But it's all good if you want to get down.

And funky.

You are never to young

Hey you are never too young to learn about the good things in life.

Just reach out and grab the gusto.