An Annoucnement

I have been meeting with several television executives as the process of the show has enfolded. TLC is very fond of strange and different TV shows. They have such hits as "Strange Addictions" and "My 600pound life" and "Extreme Couponing" and "Sister Wives." They are always looking for new content and when they got excited about my performance and they started pitching some spin offs to me. I finally found one that looks like it might be fun.

You see I introduced them to our friend the Crack MC and they thought doing a salt and pepper buddy show was the way to go since all those cop shows and movies have to have the black guy and the white guy as partners. So the came up with the concept of our new show "It's not over till it's over."

You see the Crack MC and I are going to every Yankee game with members of various New Age religions and we will interview them during the game. I will be dressed like Yogi Berra and Crack will be dressed like that Maraschino Yogi guy. I will be quizzing them on baseball trivia and Crack will be ranting at them about how their philosophy will ruin the world. Salt and pepper. It will be a lot of fun.

I hope to have all of you guys appear as guest stars when the Yankees are playing in a city near you!

Look for it on TLC this July.

Nestle Quick Sensi

So today was the first day in nine weeks that we could take some time for ourselves. We scheduled a day to exercises and treat our hurts. We had massages and acupuncture. And we tried Yoga for the first time.

Now the wife lied to me because Yoga didn't have anything to do with picinic baskets or Yankee baseball. It meant we had to twist ourselves into pretzels on smelly mats. But you know what? It was kind of fun.

The girl who is the receptionist is the one who teaches Yoga and all I ever do is bust her chops when I come into the shop. So know it was the time for the Yogi's revenge.She had us do all these poses that burned my fucking balls they hurt so much.

The first thing we had to do is sit on these blankets on the floor in a lotus position. Naturally as I try to lower myself onto the blankets I fall over and knock over the table with the Ipod that places the cult music that they use to brainwash you. I almost broke it and it took ten minutes to figure out what was wrong. Anyway we did a bunch of these crazy poses. The Happy Warrior. The Downward pissing dog. The Stretching open handed squat or something. Each one hurt more than the next.But we got through it. You definitely felt like you did a workout and stretched and used your muscles. So it was all good.

Then we had massages and acupuncture to try to come back to human. Which was great.  A soak in the tub. A steak wrapped in bacon and a bottle of wine and all is good.

At the end of the session you bow and say that little saying "Nestle Quick Sensi."

Or something like that.

The Summer of Boo Boo

When we first began to chronicle the lives of the Berenstain bears we had no idea of the strange path the story would go. We thought we would be seeing them live their lives in peace and harmony while learning lessons from Papa Bear at the Shabbos table. Little did we know that Brother Bear was in fact the most infamous serial killing bear in the history of Jellystone park. He was weird. After he would come home from his job at the Post office he would sit in his room and listen to Black Sabbeth records and smoke funny cigarettes. And he was very attached to our neighbor's Boo Boos dog. It was almost like the dog was telling him what do. Strange things started to happen on the hiking trails of Jellystone. Young girls with long brown hair were starting to disappear with their dates. It was very strange.
(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi had lost it all. He had gone from being a respected cartoon character, movie star and mayor of Jellystone Park to a homeless derelict looking for sex in the parks men's room like a cut rate George Michael. So if you are traveling to a national park and a bear strikes a wide stance next to you at the urinal......beware of Yogi Bear. (Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

It had all fallen apart for Yogi. Meaningless sexual encounter after meaningless sexual encounter with both sexes became his normal practice. He didn’t care anymore. He was thrown out of national park after national park as he would have sex out in the open and scare the tourists. He was just after sensation. He just wanted to feel something. Anything. But his life was empty. He had hit rock bottom.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi fell into a sexual abyss after Ling Ling left him. He wandered around wherever bears congregated and fell into deviant behavior. Many vistas where open to him as he was a celebrity. He did coke and partied with porn stars with Charley Sheen. He went on a sex tour of the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh. And he was part of an infamous daisy chain set up by the Coca Cola bear. Sixteen bears had a orgy at Wasilia Alaska during the Iditirod race. A sex tape was filmed and posted on the Internet but Yogi was too far gone by then to care.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Once Yogi married Ling Ling he totally went crazy. He was playing in a rock band with his friend Shouting Thomas and doing a lot of drugs. He also began to gamble excessively and act recklessly. He would bet on anything. Since he was a big Cubs fan like Shouting Thomas they dropped a bundle betting on the Cubbies because they never won anything. Yogi got further and further involved in the life, to the point he was running match races with Smokey the Bear at Hialeah race track where he lost all of his money. That was the final straw for Ling Ling so she left him for Gentle Ben.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi had a hard time adjusting after he was divorced from Cindy. Boo Boo had left to live in a guest house on OJ Simpsons place and Ranger Smith had moved on to Washington. The old gang was gone and the grotto was empty. Nobody was visiting him anymore. So he decided to do what a lot of lonely middle aged men do. His good friend shouting thomas introduced him to lotusflower.com an Asian dating site where he started to correspond with a lovely Panda named Ling Ling. They emailed back and forth and skyped until she took the plunge and flew over to meet with him. Yogi was in love. Because even though she was a bear she liked to do it doggie style.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Jellystone CSI

We never knew what happened to all of those young hikers who disappeared in Jellystone. They would come and visit with Yogi and Boo Boo and of course Smokey who had a condo here.

They would come and see the sites and go off on a hike and where never heard from again. At first we suspected Yogi who as you all know was a crack addict and a big time pussy hound. But he was in the can when the last victim was found. And she was a lesbian so we knew she wasn't Yogi's kind of poontang. She was the first one we found who wasn't a charred bag of bones buried deep in the forest. She was found spread eagled over a campfire with the lanyard from a campaign hat wrapped around her neck.

So we turned our investigation towards Smokey.

(Jellystone CSI, Memories of a Park Ranger Forensic Scientist, Penguin Press 2009)

Hey There It's Yogi Bear!

Yogi raised a stink about his arrest because he termed it a “Clear case of ursine profiling.” Just because 99% of the pic-a-nic basket related crimes were committed by bears is no reason to assume that he was involved despite the fact that several looted pic-a-nic baskets were found outside his door. His loud and boisterous protest was seen by Ranger Smith as an attempt to rile up the other forest dwellers and he took the raving bear into custody before the situation got out of hand. Yogi protested that he was only arrested because he was a bear of color and that they would never have done that if he were a polar bear since they are always getting a break and are defended by the likes of Al Gore when all they do is eat salmon, seals and the occasional Canadian. He did not take into account that there is indeed a surplus of Canadians although most people feel bad about the seals.

(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey There It's Yogi Bear

Yogi had a hard time adjusted to civilian life after his show was canceled. He arrogantly assumed that he should be treated as a celebrity even as the memory of his accomplishments had receded into the distant past. The final rupture occurred when he was arrested by Ranger Smith for stealing pic-a-nic baskets from visitors to Jellystone Park. Yogi insisted that this was simply ursine profiling because he was a bear of color and the fact that several different empty baskets were found outside of his cave had no relevance to this matter at all. Yogi was arrested and brought down to the Ranger station in handcuffs for disturbing the peace but the charges were later dropped.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Don't vote for him, vote against the other bear!

The reason why Yogi had to quit the race had nothing to do with his drinking or his sexual exploits. It really had more to do with his mental health. You see Yogi had lost it when Cindy left him and he began to have vicious mood swings. He be happy and jovial one minute banging his bear sluts in the grotto two at a time. And then he would flip and go eat garbage out of the cans by the pininic tables and maul the tourists who protested. You see Yogi had turned into a Bi-Polar bear.
(Rudy Wendelin, Where there’s Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Don't vote for him, vote against the other bear!

Smokey’s only real competition for Mayor of Jellystone was from the most famous resident. Yogi Bear. Now Yogi had a lot of ups and downs. His wife Cindy had left her for that guitar playing douche bag Gentle Ben when he wrote that sappy song “You look Wunderbear Tonight!” Then he spent a lot of time drinking and partying at his grotto with his bevy of bear cuties. At one time he was living with three whores Holly, Bridget and Kendra all at the same time. Now you would think such immorality would preclude him from office but most of the animals didn’t really care. I mean you know how the saying goes “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Well once you let them shit all over the place, who cares about a little three sex with a bunch of hot ursine cooze?
(Rudy Wendelin, Where there’s Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)