The Return of the Douche Bag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you will no doubt remember it has been many  years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must regretfully opportune regarding another most distressing matter.

As you must be aware you are considered the preeminent expert on animal crimes and events that have transpired here Her Majesty’s own homeland. You deft handling of the ferocious Hound of the Baskervilles and your expert extermination of the Giant Rat of Sumatra are only two of the exploits that have led Scotland Yard to deem you for all eternity Sherlock Holmes Pet Detective.

I contact you today with a request that at first blush might seem unusual. It seems that our undercover agent in the Salon of the odious Lady Chatterley reports some disturbing information that we must take cognizance of if we are to protect our sainted shores. As you are aware the erstwhile enigmatic correspondent Lady Chatterley lives on a farm noted for debris and debauchery. Sad reminders of prior bacchanalia are strewn about. Empty liquor bottles. Female undergarments. Dog feces. Rot.

Amongst all of this dross there is in fact one sign of positive life. A warren of rabbits has taken up residence in said garden. The population ebbs and flows. Occasionally the harridan loses her composure and traipse into the garden to attack the poor rabbits and beat them about the head and neck and chase them out of the garden. At one point she had totally emptied the warren of all of its inhabitants. But rabbits are a doughty if dim breed and they seem to enjoy punishment. So many have returned to take the abuse and calumny heaped upon their furry heads. In this they are nurtured by the waspish woman’s concubine the underemployed gardener who tends to the rabbits when not servicing his mistress or grooming her rather unusually hairy feet. Normally this would not be a matter for our concern but a new element has emerged that forces us to take notice.

It seems another rabbit has been introduced to the warren and it has proceeded to dominate the farm and the surrounding woods to the point that it would drive out all of the native fauna to the detriment of the land. Black in color with matted fur and unusual stench as if it was comprised of unwashed fecal matter this rodent originates in Africa. I would ask that you intervene to say our Majesty’s forest. We will term this the Case of the Jungle Bunny.

I await your response as to this distasteful matter.

My best to your estimable roommate Dr. Watson who I have heard is under the weather due to a recurrence of his piles. I would remind him that the best remedy to avoid further attacks of this malady is to avoid spicy foods and your brother Mycroft.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898