"Welcome everyone to Derek Jeter Day in which we honor our beloved Captain and Leader Derek Jeter. We will bring out many people who were very important to Derek's career. His parents. His family. Joe Torre. His great teammates like Posada and Mariano and O'Neil and Cone and Bern Baby Burn Bernie Williams. Plus people that have nothing to do with him like Harold Reynolds and Cal Ripken and Michael Jordan. We will celebrate Derek's bright and shiny career as a Yankee Legend. What do we have up first Michael?"
"Well John we have the forty three players who played second base in tandem with Derek. Welcome all of these second baseman. We have Mariano Duncan and Chuck Knoblauch and Andy Fox and Pat Kelly and Homer "I Blame" Bush and Miguel "Let's Bomb" Cairo. Let's give them a big Yankee Stadium welcome......."
"BOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!!! GET LOST!!!!!!!!!
"And that's how we do it here in Yankee Stadium John. Perhaps some of them have a few words to say? Here's Chuck Knoblauch to speak on behalf of all of them. Chuck?"
"LOOK I AM NOT CRAZY! SO I BECAME A GARDENER AND MARRIED A DRIED UP OLD BAT FOR HER MONEY! I AM NOT CRAZY! I LOST ALL ME MONEY TO BERNIE MADOFF AND THE THING IS WHEN I THROW HER A FUCK AND MISS SHE DOESN'T"T CARE! I AM NOT CRAZZZZZEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
"Thanks for that Chuck.......err maybe the nurses can help him out....so lets continue with our program. The only list that is longer then the second basemen that the Captain has played for is the women he has banged in his Yankee career. So let's have a big Yankee Stadium welcome for all the bitches that Derek Jeter has banged.....Come on down ladies....welcome Jessica Biel and Minka Kelly and Jordan Brewster and Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba and three hundred cocktail waitresses, fifty bartenders, sixty five chambermaids, twelve reporters and of course the one and only Mariah Carey! Welcome Ladies!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!! YOU REALLY SUCK!!!! I MEAN YOU SUCK AT SUCKING OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T"T HAVE DROPPED YOU!!!!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!"
"So let's get Mariah to step up and speak for all the girls since she was his first celebrity date. Mimi?"
"Thank you John. I just wanted to say that my days with Derek were among the best of my life and even though I am married to Nick Cannon he really only has a pop gun so Derek I want to give my digits ...... wait a minute....what is going on?"
"Sorry Mimi but a stiff wind just blew up and for some reason all of the guests on the field seem to have fainted. Do you smell the ocean.......ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! WHEN IS THE GIANT GAME STARTING?"
"We will be right back after this word from our sponsor. GET THE HAZMATT TEAM OUT HERE STAT!"
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