Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, October 1, 1960(Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex-wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)

Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back…just so you know. She’s there with Casey.

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, why don’t you just go up and say hello. But keep it nicey nicey please Joe. Think of my license. (Joe walks to the back to and stands in front of her table. She is sitting with a very worried looking Casey Stengel and she is not wearing any underwear)

Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She begins to queef quietly, just barely audible over the sounds of the bar. )

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: Of course he missed ya kid. Didn’t ya Joe?

Casey: Hey Joe. Fancy meeting you here. Marilyn and I were just having a couple of pops. I am waiting for the boys to show up. I hope they didn’t go to the Copa again. Maybe you can get the boys to keep them out for me?

Joe DiMaggio:

Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I have. I have been seeing

I am seeing a bunch of people. Sinatra. That cute Florida senator. In fact he is going to introduce me to Jack Kennedy. (She starts to queef louder and more furiously. It sounds almost like a song. In fact when she did it in Hollywood later that week it inspired Johnny Mercer to write Moon River)

Joe DiMaggio:

Casey: Joe I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Marilyn and I are just friends. I just sat with her so I could avoid talking to Kyle Rote. He is a queer you know. Always trying to get free tickets and into the locker room. He has a thing for Elston Howard. Likes his poon tangy I guess.
Marilyn: Don’t be stupid Casey. He knows we ain’t fucking. I don’t fuck old guys. Unless I can get a movie out of it. And even then it usually just a blow job. I don’t fuck old guys or limp dick ball players. Not anymore. Right Joe you greasy fucking guinea?

(She is now queefing as loud as a pond full of drunken ducks)
Joe DiMaggio:

Marilyn: What nothing to say…typical. Useless limp linguine dick motherfucker. Let’s go Casey you better get me a cab you hump back fucker. (Marilyn picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)

Casey Stengel: Sorry Joe. I will put her in a cab. Come in see me at the Stadium for the Series. I know we are going to smash the Pirates. Just like old times. (Casey sheepishly limps away and follows her out of the restaurant)

Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe.

Joe DiMaggio: Get me that faggot George Weiss on the phone. That fucking loser is finished with the Yankees. When I get finished with him he will be lucky to get a job managing a Horn and Hardart.

Toots: You sure Joe?

Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUP!