The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must once again must prevail upon you to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on and it seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern but who have gone on as though nothing has happened. But there was a passing question today about the case and I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in several of my missives, I had attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. They have seemed to turn their interests and efforts towards the discussion of some American woman and her family that seems to occupy their every waking moment. When I heard that one of the members of this family was an idiot child I thought I might have a lead but it turns out it had no relation to Lord Douchebag.

It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits. But a curious fact has emerged in the months I have been attending this gathering of simpering fops and angry misanthropes for many months as I find the ravings of the disturbed very soothing. Several of the former participants have also disappeared and no one seems to have noticed or commented on their untoward absence. A certain member of the Red Headed League had so often participated that she was termed a “historian” of these soirées. But she has disappeared for many months without comment. An earnest young student who was a worshipful and devoted acolyte also seems to have disappeared without a word. Several musicians included a noted flautist have also vanished from these gatherings and their absence has been ignored by both Lady Chatterley and her consort. In fact it seems that many of the former participants who were most intimately involved in the conversation have left under mysterious circumstances. Without the doyen of this group uttering the least inquiry or even a moue of regret regarding their disappearance.

It is most puzzling and I would like to formerly request that you turn you own prodigious intellect to the contemplation of this strange phenomena. If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and that the controversy regarding the good Doctor and the chambermaid with the vestigial vagina ended in a solution that was satisfactory to all concerned. In all things I remain:

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
November 26, 1898