The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting you assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However  now it seems that new developments lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were. .

Inspector Gregson had informally visited the salon over the past year to see if he might develop some leads. Or at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his visits because of some strange friendships he had struck up with some of the rather scruffy denizens of this talking shop. He first struck up a deep and abiding friendship with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his interests in exotic spaniels, sodomy, coprophilia and defecation. They both reveled in their shared interests and exchanged many secrets and even some bodily fluids. But as you now know his new friend had spurned him due to his burgeoning relationship with a Sepoy who had recently been detailed to Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This has led to some violent disagreements and words of rancor that are most unseemly for a professional of Inspector Gregson sterling character. As I had previously noted in my various missives to you Inspector Gregson has fallen into a deep well of melancholia to the point that he refuses to leave his apartment when not attending to his duties and listens to show tunes on his gramophone while imbibe large quantities of sherry. He has been purchases large numbers of bananas and cucumbers which I must presume have become the staples of his diet. There also has been some talk of more exotic fruits and vegetables  such as misshapen and deformed rutabaga's and the occasional woody yucca tuber that defy description. It seems most unhealthy but I do not question him because I subsist on a steady diet of shepherd's pie and porter.

Inspector Gregson did report that the salon of Lady Chatterley has utterly changed character in the recent months. It seems that there is an entirely new group of sycophants and toadies as well as several women of dubious character. One harpy in particular has proven to be a thorn in the side of most of the other more genteel denizens of this group of lonely and dim conversationalists. She constantly  turns the conversation back to herself and her concerns while trying to start contretemps  and controversies that would have various groups bicker and joust while she sits back with a Cheshire grim gloating on her trouble-making. Every topic must refer back to her as she has an insatiable appetite for attention and an unerring path to victim-hood and drama. It seems that she has assumed the role of Douchebag without the benefit of the sobriquet.

It is past understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest as this is her own recognized modus operandi and you cannot have two actors performing the same role. Perhaps her attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally have fallen into the dementia which lurks so close to the surface in all of her attempts at social intercourse.

Further visits to this salon would not prove salubrious to ones mental health if the example of Inspector Gregson is indeed meant to be a caution to us all. But the Yard feels that such a group of knaves and malcontents should remain under a loose surveillance to insure that they do not constitute a real danger to her Majesty's government. In fact the harlot who I have previously mentioned is of Germanic origin and might have ties to the government of the Kaiser as witnessed by her fondness for gutter talk and her aversion to the Jews. The recent messages found on the wall in Whitechapel during the recent series of murders has led to a directive that all such Anti-Semitic activity be monitored by the proper authority.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that I was surprised to see that he is a sometimes visitor to Lady Chatterley's salon and has in fact interacted with the aforementioned Germanic strumpet in the most contentious of ways. It was my understanding that Mycroft was a confirmed bachelor whose taste ran more to male companionship. His friendship and charity to the lower classes is legendary and there is not a street lascar or urchin that he has not offered succor. So to speak.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899