Laura Bush's Diary

So Jenna and Barbara and I went bowling last night and stopped off at the Taco Bell to pick up some take out Mexican. I love to take out Mexican. Well not as much as that sumbitch Jeb who took one out and ended up marrying one but we still like those cheap ass burritos and chalupa’s. We picked up a pile of them and got home with case of Lone Star and a couple of packages of Tums. You know high level Texas cuisine.

Now no sooner do we get home then W comes out of the study laughing his ass off. I love it when I see W laughing and having fun because he has been so worried about what has been going on in the country and all. I mean every time Barry fucks something up W loses his shit and starts ranting and raving and getting all bent out of shape. I wish he could just enjoy his retirement and golf and take it easy and all but sometimes I think he is gonna get his nine iron and treat our plasma the way Tiger Woods wife treats the back of his SUV. Or his nappy little head.

Anyhoo, W was laughing so hard he could hardly talk. I asked him “What’s so funny big man, did Cheney shoot another lawyer, and I could sure use a good laugh about now.” “Laura, you won’t believe it. Some reality show whore snuck into the White House uninvited and got into a State Dinner and everybody is going crazy. How about that?” “Why that’s crazy. How did that cow Nene get herself into the White House without an invite?” “No it wasn’t that pig Nene.” “Don’t tell me it was the chalk faced whore Kim. I sure hope they checked under her wig. God only knows what she hand hiding under there.” “No, no Laura it was some new girl that ain’t even on a show yet. She is gonna be one of the real Housewife’s of DC. They didn’t even cast the show yet.” “Well I declare W, I hope they put Hillary on that show. At least she will have something to do and all.” “Stop it Laura you’re killing me. And the way the press is carrying on it is enough to make you bust a gut. If those assholes only knew, if they only knew. Hee.”

Boy did he have that right. You see the press is so misinformed and stupid that they don’t know the half of what is going on. I mean in the Democratic administrations they cover everything up. I mean the Clintons had every kind of crook and Chinaman over there to raise money for their campaigns and there wasn’t a peep out of them. We kept them at arms distance too so they never knew what was really going on.

You see the decline of the news business had really accelerated during our administration and we wanted to do what ever we could to make more of them close down. We withheld information and didn’t do interviews and generally tried to make their life miserable. I mean if we didn’t provide any information they might dry up and blow away. I mean they were too lazy to do any fucking work and they were all used to being spoon fed info that they had to go out of business. I mean a bunch of bloggers in their tightie whities can out research and write 90% of those journalism school dickwads with one footy pajama tied behind their backs. I mean they managed to survive because they just made shit up. But not from lack of our trying to do them in.

But there was one newspaper that we did try to save. You see W would always do whatever his mom asked and one day she called and asked for a big favor. You see her good buddy Al Goldstien was in a lot of trouble and it looked like he was gonna lose Screw Magazine. He had a bunch of alimony problems and IRS bull shit and what not so he reached out to old Barb for a favor. They were thick as thieves ever since that time we appeared on my pal Robyn Byrd’s Midnight Blue with Al and Joe Dellasandro from “The Factory” and those two chicks with a dick. Al and Barb had kept in touch and he gave a complimentary subscription to Screw. She loved it because she was always putting ads in the personals to correspond with midgets and stuff and she couldn’t bear to think that it would go under. So she begged W to invite Al and a guest to a State Dinner for the President of India.

You see the dot heads had taken over all the newsstands in the United States. And the 7-11’s and all the convience stores that stocked newspapers. The head of them all, the tuti-de-tuti-fruiti of em all was this guy Boutros Boutros Gandhi. He was in charge of all of the newsstands in America and he really wanted to talk to the President of India. You see his brother was in jail in Deli for having had sexual congress with a cow. You know they love their cows over there and he was incarcerated for about a fifty year stretch. This guy figured is he could lay a little bakeesh on the President of India he could get his brother a pardon and all. I mean it worked or Mark Rich. All his wife had to do is give Bill Clinton five hundred thousand for his library and a blowjob and her ex-husband got a pardon. So Al got Barb to get W to sneak him into a state dinner.

Now we couldn’t tell the Secret Service about this because Al had all these convictions for perverted sexual acts and the Gandhi guy was a major league criminal as well. But I managed to sneak them in by dressing them like they were on the cover of the Concert for Bangladesh. You see I just told them the newsstand guy was Ravi Shanker and Al was his little Jew lawyer and they breezed right in. What the fuck did the Secret Service know, they are all Mormons anyway. They got the brother sprung and the Indians agreed to carry Screw magazine on the newsstands for another two years even though it was a big money loser. And nobody was the wiser.

So now that all of these magazines and newspapers are losing circulation and getting dumped by the newsstands we had to laugh. You see nothing is better than when you put something over on the mainstream media. Let’s just say that we love it when they get Screwed.

In every sense of the word.