My dear Holmes,
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time
since I have stopped requesting you assistance in the troubling matter of the
disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened
several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now
considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time
claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though
nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now it seems that new developments lead me to
believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.
As I had previously noted in one of my prior missives, I or my agents had at one
time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist
and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much
valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has
often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has
not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months
and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any
way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for
his talents such as they were. .
Inspector Gregson had informally
visited the salon over the past year to see if he might develop some leads. Or
at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his
visits because of some strange friendships he had struck up with some of the
rather scruffy denizens of this talking shop. He first struck up a deep and
abiding friendship with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his
interests in exotic spaniels, sodomy, coprophilia and defecation. They both
reveled in their shared interests and exchanged many secrets and even some
bodily fluids. But as you now know his new friend had spurned him due to his
burgeoning relationship with a Sepoy who had recently been detailed to
Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This has led to some violent
disagreements and words of rancor that are most unseemly for a professional of
Inspector Gregson sterling character. As I had previously noted in my various
missives to you Inspector Gregson has fallen into a deep well of melancholia to
the point that he refuses to leave his apartment when not attending to his
duties and listens to show tunes on his gramophone while imbibe large
quantities of sherry. He has been purchases large numbers of bananas and
cucumbers which I must presume have become the staples of his diet. There also
has been some talk of more exotic fruits and vegetables such as misshapen and deformed rutabaga's and the
occasional woody yucca tuber that defy description. It seems most unhealthy but
I do not question him because I subsist on a steady diet of shepherd's pie and
porter.
Inspector Gregson did report that
the salon of Lady Chatterley has utterly changed character in the recent
months. It seems that there is an entirely new group of sycophants and toadies
as well as several women of dubious character. One harpy in particular has
proven to be a thorn in the side of most of the other more genteel denizens of
this group of lonely and dim conversationalists. She constantly turns the conversation back to herself and her
concerns while trying to start contretemps and controversies that would have various
groups bicker and joust while she sits back with a Cheshire grim gloating on
her trouble-making. Every topic must refer back to her as she has an insatiable
appetite for attention and an unerring path to victim-hood and drama. It seems that she has assumed the role of Douchebag without the benefit of the sobriquet.
It is past
understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest as this is her own
recognized modus operandi and you cannot have two actors performing the same
role. Perhaps her attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally
have fallen into the dementia which lurks so close to the surface in all of her
attempts at social intercourse.
Further visits to this salon would
not prove salubrious to ones mental health if the example of Inspector Gregson
is indeed meant to be a caution to us all. But the Yard feels that such a group
of knaves and malcontents should remain under a loose surveillance to insure
that they do not constitute a real danger to her Majesty's government. In fact
the harlot who I have previously mentioned is of Germanic origin and might have
ties to the government of the Kaiser as witnessed by her fondness for gutter
talk and her aversion to the Jews. The recent messages found on the wall in
Whitechapel during the recent series of murders has led to a directive that all
such Anti-Semitic activity be monitored by the proper authority.
I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best
wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that I was surprised to
see that he is a sometimes visitor to Lady Chatterley's salon and has in fact
interacted with the aforementioned Germanic strumpet in the most contentious of
ways. It was my understanding that Mycroft was a confirmed bachelor whose taste
ran more to male companionship. His friendship and charity to the lower classes
is legendary and there is not a street lascar or urchin that he has not offered
succor. So to speak.
In any event give him my regards.
I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899
