Nashviille Star is a fucking good show.

Hey I was watching Nashville Star for only the second time and it was a really good show. Unlike the Idol, the judges each mentor contestants so they have a vested interest in their performance. But with all that, they slam some of the contestants pretty hard. Particularly the dude from Brooks and Dunn. He ripped one of the guys a new asshole.

Anyway some of the acts suck. But whats really cool is that two best kids are the Plus sized mom of five and the Mexican cowboy. Yes there is both a Mexican and a black cowboy singer and both are pretty good. But the Mexican kid Garcia is great, he has a real country sound.

The other thing that is really interesting is how bad Billy Ray Cyrus is as a host. He looks like he is making a hostage tape. I never thought I would say this but, I miss Ryan Seacrest. You can see how good he is when you see Billy Ray frozen like a deer in the headlights.

Here's hoping that the plus size belter wins. (She wore an Anna Sholz top that we have in the store on last weeks show)

My Top Ten Favorite Yankees.

10. Hank Bauer. An old school, crew cut wearing, cigar smoking tough guy who would kick your ass to get a win. He was the guy who flattened the heckler in the Copa that ended Billy Martins career. He was there with Martin and Ford and Mantle when this asshole started making racial remarks at Sammie Davis Jr. who was singing at the time. So Hank flattened him. My kind of guy.

9. Celerino Sanchez the illegal Mexican immigrant third baseman who saved us from the Rick McKinney debacle. Originated the phrase “Baseball been berry berry good to me.” His sterling example led to thousands of gardeners, sheet rock hangers and bus boys that keep New York the city that never sleeps.

8. Sparky Lyle. The Count. Best reliever this side of Mariano, he was in the boozer Hall of Fame. He signed a deal with the Claridge Casino in Atlantic City to endorse a tiny bar off the casino floor that had all his memorabilia. I used to hang out there with him in the eighties. His favorite pastime was to go up to the roof and throw baseball off it to see if we could hit people on the boardwalk.

7. Rickey Henderson. Not a true Yankee but a great talent. What I love about him is that he just didn’t give a shit. He just wanted to play man and so he did. On the list as the greatest lead off man of all time, not for any other reason. A favorite but not a true Yankee.

6. Yogi Berra. Rightfully more famous as a philosopher than as a ball player. Still one of the greatest catchers of all time. And a great “Bad Ball” hitter. One of the all time true Yankees. “If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”

5. Phil the Scooter Rizzuto. Not only the second best short stop in Yankee history, but a beloved broadcaster. “Well that (Pope Paul VI passing away) kind of puts the damper on even a Yankee win." Source: TV Broadcast (August 6, 1978)

4. David Wells. You have to love that fat bastard. Rubber arm, tubby belly. I have to admit I am a big fan because I look almost exactly like him. I just hope some midget doesn’t try to punch me in a diner at three in the moring. I got into a club once pretending to be him. A money pitcher when the game was on the line.

3. Roger Maris. An old school kick ass player who never got his due. The pressure got to him and it was a shame that he died before the Yankee fans could really get to show their appreciation for his 61 home run season. I saw him hit two home runs during the 61 season which was the first year my dad took me to the stadium.

2. Mickey Mantle. He was a true Yankee with all the talent in the world. But he drank and fucked a lot of it away. Even though he set a lot of records, he could have been the greatest of all time if he had taken care of himself. But still a great Yankee.

1. Billy Martin. For all his bullshit, a true Yankee. As much as George smacked him around, Billy was the one guy who wanted to win as much as he did. He would put your eyes out to win. I measure all managers against him. He wasn’t always right, but I knew he would do what it took to win.

Diamonds are a Girl's best friend.

Toot’s Shors Saloon, April 15, 1953
Toots: Hey Joe isn’t she a pip. Wow. She really knows how to hold a……conversation.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Cheeze it, she’s coming back from the bathroom.
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me. (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid. You’re the greatest.
Marilyn: So Joe. It must be a lot of fun to be a baseball star. It’s really hard to be in the movies. Everybody is so mean.
Toots Shor: I bet it’s really tough to be a blonde too, eh kid.
Marilyn: Well, I really am a natural red head.
Joe DiMaggio: I know.
Marilyn: JOE! No peeking.

Bring Me the Head of Manny Ramirez

Deep in the bowels of Disney World is a cryogenic crypt. It holds the remains of several celebrities who have been frozen in the hope they can be reanimated. Walt Disney. Howard Hughes. Richard Nixon. Joan Crawford. The remains of the evil and poisonous cadre who have sold their souls in the hope of eternal life.

But now everything has changed. They have managed to reanimate one of the evil ones. The disembodied head of Ted Williams has come back to life. His acolytes approach and grovel before his noggin encased in a large glass receptacle.


Theo Epstein: Oh mighty oracle, tell us what we must do. It is only your help and the assistance of Satan that has allowed us to win the World Series and to establish our dominance over the Yankee menace as those pinstriped fools fight for all that is good. What can we do to maintain our supremacy?
The Head of Ted Williams: You fool. You must continue to spend money like water while bitching that the Yankees spend too much. Get more foreigners who will sell their souls to win. We have competition these days. Those dogs in Florida have sold their soul to a lesser demon. We must fear the Devil Rays.
Theo Epstein: But they are ahead of us in first place and the Yankees are not far behind. We must fear them. I think it might be true, God is a Yankee fan.
The Head of Ted Williams: Fear not, you have Satan in your corner. Lucifer loves three things. Indian food. Anal (as a catcher). And the Saux.

Tales from the Amy's garden 2.

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening...
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: It's not exactly danger, it's... oh, I don't know. Something oppressive... like thunder.
Fiver: I feel it too. It seems like everyone who was nice has left the garden. All the brightly colored birds. The badger. That happy frisky gay otter. Even the blogging cockroach.
Hazel: Well I think the lady is getting strange. She is muttering to herself and playing her old records. The only ones left seem to be the slugs and the vermin. They just keep talking their disgusting talk. That only leaves a few of us, the rabbits.
Fiver: Yes. But the garden is comfortable. I don't know if we can move the warren. That would be very dangerous.
Hazel: I know. But sometimes you have to move on and get to a new place. Maybe it can be a better place.
Fiver: Bigwig heard her talking. Good riddance she said as she threw all that garbage out on her front step. I think that is what is attracting all this vermin.
Hazel: Some people call us vermin.
Fiver: Some people are stupid.
(Watership Down, 1972)

The Best Years of our Lives.

Col. Robert F. Hogan has returned from overseas where he has been a prisoner of war in Nazi Germany. He goes to try to get his old job as a photographer’s assistant for the Associated Press.

Mr. Clark of the Associated Press (reading his resume) It says here you were overseas in a prisoner of war camp for the last few years. Do any photography over there?
Col. Hogan: No, I basically tried to stay alive and keep my men alive.
Mr. Clark: Well just being a prisoner of war isn’t real experience at anything. You just know how to be in jail. If I wanted a convict, maybe I would hire you. Besides I have a lot of younger men in line for this position. Sorry I just can’t help you.
Col. Hogan: But I don’t understand, doesn’t service to my country mean anything. I gave up five years of my life; all I want is a chance.
Mr. Clark: Sorry can’t help you pal. I rather trust some kid with no experience in the world. They are easier to manipulate. Plus they have this new federal program…affirmative administration….. or something like that…gives a leg up to the people without experience… hey you should try that…try something you know nothing about…I don’t know like Welding.
Col. Hogan I used to know a guy who said something like that ‘I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!” I just never thought that was the way to get ahead.
Mr. Clark: It’s a new world bub.

From the Hersh's mouth.

New York Daily News June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29th 2008, 11:17 PM

President Bush oversees a $400 million covert program to destabilize the ruling mullahs in Iran, a new report claims, but military leaders are pushing back against the White House's plans for a first strike against Iran.

Some of the money is being funneled to dissident groups and ethnic minorities, including one with possible Al Qaeda links and another on the State Department's terrorist list, reporter Seymour Hersh claims in the new issue of The New Yorker.

"United States Special Operations Forces have been conducting cross-border operations from southern Iraq, with presidential authorization, since last year," Hersh wrote.

"These have included seizing members of Al Quds, the commando arm of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, and taking them to Iraq for interrogation, and the pursuit of 'high-value targets' in the President's war on terror, who may be captured or killed."

The White House and CIA declined to comment on the article, which cited anonymous sources in and outside the government.

Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, denied the account of cross-border operations. "I can tell you flatly that U.S. forces are not operating across the Iraqi border into Iran, in the south or anywhere else," Crocker told CNN's "Late Edition With Wolf Blitzer."

"U.S. forces are not operating across the Iran-Iraq border, no."

Hersh, though, told the show that an ambassador would not necessarily be informed of the secret operations.

"Sometimes it's better not to have the ambassador know," Hersh said. "And the other major thing is, we've sent in a special task force that operates out of Afghanistan into Iran."



In a related story, Seymour Hersh reports that the United States has funded a $400
million dollar finding to aid dissident forces in Narnia. "I have recently come into possession of video evidence that the United States is backing the return of the royal family in the person of Prince Caspian who is currently living in exile in San Bernadino. The Bush administration is in cahoots with the royal family of Narnia who are part of the Tri-lateral Commission and are attempting to return Narnia to a royal kingdom instead of the peoples republic that currently is in place. Most of congress does not know of this covert operation and would protest as they would not sanction a war for unicorns."

Tales from the Amy's garden.

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening...
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: It's not exactly danger, it's... oh, I don't know. Something oppressive... like thunder.
Fiver: I feel it too. It seems to be coming from the lady in the house. It’s like the woman in the cottage has changed.
Hazel: Well she is very listless. She hasn’t been productive at all. And isn’t she in some kind of trouble. I saw the police bring her home last night.
Fiver: Yes she was drunk again. She said she had a pain in her ass. Or that they were a pain in the ass. And her wig fell off.
Hazel: The policeman wanted to take her somewhere.
Fiver: Bigwig heard her talking. She kept saying: “No, no, no.” I wonder why?
(Watership Down, 1972)

Hey I got a tip for you.

New York Post June 29, 2008
Tipplers are more tight-fisted than ever with their tips, bartenders and waiters say, and the terrible economy is to blame.

"I've noticed people give less tips. They talk about economic problems," said Mauricio Pomme, 46, who has tended bar at the popular Hell's Kitchen eatery Arriba Arriba for the past 21 years.

"New clientele used to tip 20 percent, and now they tip 15 or even 10 percent," he said. "I'm cutting my expenses, and I'm working more. For the past year, I've been working six days a week instead of five."

Indeed, the National Bartenders Association says many of its mixologists are reporting up to a 30 percent drop in income due to stingier tippers.

That's a huge hit for a profession where tips make up 50 percent of take-home pay.

"Now people are leaving you a dollar on $10, rather than two on whatever they gave," said Courtney Fox, 28, a bartender at the Hog Pit in the trendy Meatpacking District.

"It's gone from a 20 percent range to 10 or 15 percent if you're lucky. I definitely can't take cabs as much as I used to. I don't go out to eat."

Another bartender speculated that with less cash in their wallets, regular boozers rely more on plastic to pay their tabs.

"They tip less on the credit card," said Chris McKeon, 27, a bartender at the Copper Door Tavern on Third Avenue in the Gramercy Park area.


In my travels last month doing sales taxes in the many bars I have as clients, it is true that tipping is down across the board. The real determining factor is of course not the economy, but the size of the tits. Tits = Tips.

Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussien?

New York Times June 29, 2008
Emily Nordling has never met a Muslim, at least not to her knowledge. But this spring, Ms. Nordling, a 19-year-old student from Fort Thomas, Ky., gave herself a new middle name on Facebook.com, mimicking her boyfriend and shocking her father.

Emily Hussein Nordling,” her entry now reads.

With her decision, she joined a growing band of supporters of Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, who are expressing solidarity with him by informally adopting his middle name.

The result is a group of unlikely-sounding Husseins: Jewish and Catholic, Hispanic and Asian and Italian-American, from Jaime Hussein Alvarez of Washington, D.C., to Kelly Hussein Crowley of Norman, Okla., to Sarah Beth Hussein Frumkin of Chicago.
Mr. Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim. Hussein is a family name inherited from a Kenyan father he barely knew, who was born a Muslim and died an atheist. But the name has become a political liability. Some critics on cable television talk shows dwell on it, while others, on blogs or in e-mail messages, use it to falsely assert that Mr. Obama is a Muslim or, more fantastically, a terrorist.

My name is such a vanilla, white-girl American name,” said Ashley Holmes of Indianapolis, who changed her name online “to show how little meaning ‘Hussein’ really has.”

In Los Angeles, California to show solidarity with the movement, Pedro Alvarez of El Barrio has reportedly changed his name to “Yo Holmes.” Asked why he did so, the confused illegal alien said “Yo, I don’t know but I think I can score some of those dirty hippie chicks.”

You got spunk. I hate spunk. I like collective action and redistribution of wealth.

New York Post June 28, 2008
ED Asner - still fuming over the cancellation of "Lou Grant" in 1982 - blames late CBS boss Bill Paley and conservative icon Charlton Heston for killing his career. Asner had become increasingly vocal about his leftist politics, including softness for communists in El Salvador. "I said the people of El Salvador should be able to elect the government of their choice," the self-pitying pinko recently told Fancast.com. "I knew I was signing my death warrant . . . the show was threatened with being blacklisted. Charlton Heston . . . called me a 'dangerous, dangerous man' and then the show was indeed canceled." Asner, proving he was better playing an editor on TV than he would be in a real newsroom, said today's journalism "sucks. The papers always lead off on Page 1 with the little old lady beating off a robber with a golf club rather than the lady who was on welfare and shot to death being buried on Page 30."

In related news, Ed Anser was announced as the moderator of the next presidential debate on CNN.

Amy Pops Fan. Film at Eleven.

Sky News June 28, 2008
Troubled singer Amy Winehouse will not face an investigation after she appeared to throw a punch at a member of the audience during a Glastonbury gig.
Towards the end of her set at the festival, the Camden-based singer climbed down to the pit in front of the Pyramid stage to meet fans.
She was falteringly belting out her hit Rehab and flirting with the crowd when the scuffle happened with an unseen fan.
Winehouse's spokespeople told Sky News that a man had grabbed the singer's hair and called her a rube. A short but brutal contest ensued. After the intense scuffle, order was restored and both parties claimed to have been misunderstood.

Poor Amy. Everybody likes to pick on her.

Jokes on you dude.

George Carlin has died and is on line before the pearly gates. He is a little nervous but he figures he should be OK. He didn't believe in all this stuff so this was probably just a dream. And he wasn't a bad guy. He had done some drugs and said some mean stuff about religious people but he was a comedian. It was his job after all.

Finally he reaches the front of the line and St. Peter looks in his book. "Hmmmm Carlin. Lets see. Catholic Boy. That's good. Oh sez here he rejected the church. Mocked the religious and the sincere faith of his fathers. Promoted the use of profanity and blasphemy. This is a tough one, I better get the big guy on the phone."

George is stating to sweat a little here. They can't be serious. I mean he's a star. Everybody loves George Carlin.

"Yeah I have George Carlin here. Yes...uh huh...I see...OK ....I'll tell him."
Saint Peter turns to back to him and says "Well I talked to big guy and he asked me to give you a message."

"Really" said George "that's great. What did he say."

St. Peter said "Fuck you." and pulled a lever. A slide opened up and Carlin was riding an express water slide to the burning depths of hell. "Have fun with Satan. He loves your stuff. God is an Andrew Dice Clay fan."

One Flag......Six Fllllaaagggssss!!!

Sometimes I even amaze myself as to how big an asshole I can be. Whenever we don't eat in Casa Rosa, we hit the Thai restaurant for dinner or take out. We have been going there two or three times a week since they opened. Thai food is a great alternative since it is not greasy and they use all fresh meats and vegetables so it is very healthy.

Anyway, I always love to bust balls since I am the big douffy white guy who they all laugh at. When the owner Amy is working in the kitchen I always open the door and ask if she washed her hands and stuff like that. It has to be really annoying and they must call me a big idiot but that's what makes it really funny. It is so beyond post ironic that it must be out past Pluto. Or at least it makes me look like Uranus.

So this older Thai guy starts working the counter and he is laughable incompetent. He never gets the phone number or the order right because there is a real language barrier even though he does speak pretty good English. I never call in my order because they get it wrong every time. I will order the take out and have a beer and wait for it to come out and check that it's right.

I do like I always do and talk to this guy while I'm waiting. He sees that I know everyone in the restaurant by name and they all come out to greet me. The kitchen guys and the delivery guys and everyone has to say hello. That's because I treat them like people and not like servants. Principally by teasing them and they tease me right back.They love their goofy douffy white guy. So he wants to be friendly. I ask him his name. He tells me "Mr Tea. Like the drink. Mr. Tea." Damn.

So naturally I tell him that every time I come in I want him to shout out "I pity the fool." It makes the other people in the restaurant spit out their food.

But now I can change it up. After I saw the commercial we have a new act. When I walk in I shout "One Flag." And Mr. Tea shouts out "Six Flags."

You have to mix it up.

The Jokers on You Pal...Part Two!!!

Over the moonlight sky of a sweltering Gotham City, a huge symbol is illuminated in the night sky. A pair of painfully thin stick figures standing on top of a big pot of money. It is the Olsen Twins symbol.

Two painfully thin women wrapped in rags that make them look like anorexic bag ladies pull up to Police Headquarters in a Mini Cooper festooned with stickers from Tiger Beat and Seventeen Magazine. It is the Skankmobile. It is the Olsen Twins.

Commissioner Gordon: Girls thank God and the sweet Baby Jesus you are here. The Joker is running wild. He left his family in Brooklyn and is tearing up the clubs and making a mockery of law and order here in Gotham City.
Ashley Olsen: Well what about Batman. Can’t he do something?
Commissioner Gordon: You know he is gay in real life. The Joker was only joking around in that cowboy movie. No, it is a job for a girl. Even better two girls. Twins. But tiny ones. If we put you together you can make up one whole woman.
Mary Kate Olsen: I don’t need any help. I can handle this myself. I will just use my sex-u-al-ity.
Chief O’Hara: Jesus, Mary and Joseph…you will slice the poor sod to ribbons with your boney twat…at least have a sandwich before you try it dearie.
Ashley Olsen: Leave her alone you drunken Mick. She knows what she’s doing.
Chief O’Hara: May the Lord have mercy on us for what we are doing….

To be continued…….

Top Ten Real Women with Real Bodies on TV.

10. Megyn Price who plays Audrey on Rules of Engagement. She plays the wife of lumpy Patrick Warburton and is a very sexy full bodied size twelve or so. Hot stuff.

9. Lois Griffith on Family Guy. Now that’s a hot red head who is built for fun. Giggity giggity!

8. Nancy Travis on the Bill Engvall Show where she plays the wife Susan. A MILF to the max her sexy style makes you want to lift her up while she’s cracking jokes and put her on top of the washing machine and stick your ….err well you get the idea.

7. Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order SVU who is the daughter of Hall of Famer
Jayne Mansfield. and she has always been one sexy piece of bacala. But ever since she had her child she’s sort of filled out even more and is really all you could ask for in someone who wants to put you in handcuffs.

6. Catherine Dent as L.A.P.D. Officer Danielle "Danny" Sofer on the The Shield. She is a tall buxom brown haired beauty who is another police girl who is just arresting in my book. Much hotter to me than the skinny Spanish chick on the show. I put her ahead of Mariska because she strikes me as a very dirty girl.

5. Diane Farr who was on Numbers as the sexy FBI agent who is banging the nerdy scientist guy.Used to be on Rescue Me. Another full bodied brunette who put on some weight and got oh so much more fuckable after she had a kid. (Hey I’m noticing a trend here, or is just me). Currently out of action while dropping twins, sill a hot mama.

4. Tatum O’Neil from Rescue Me. Yeah, yeah I know. What a hot mess. But still. Seriously. You’d hit that dude. After she had a few drinks you could bang her in Macy’s window. Just sayn’

3. Catherine Bell from JAG. Man just google her name man and you will get a nice surprise. The skinniest of our contestants she is still a full bodied piece of bacala who is really rounding into shape on her new show Army Wives. But did you see her in the bikini in the Australian episode of JAG when she walks up to Mac and he sends something right up the flag pole. “Wowie Zowie” as John Sterling would say “As sweet as Candy……they are high…. they are perky …..they are…” sorry I have the Yankee game on.

2. Kim Dickens as Joanie Stubbs on Deadwood. Against type for me but she just seems so crazy and sexy in a whorish kind of way. And she played a crazed killer on some crime show and was hot, hot, hot. She’s the kind of chick who is going to end up shot in the face by Phil Spector in another twenty years. But hot.

1. Patricia Arquette from Medium. A full bodied beauty who really has a real woman’s body. When she rolls over in the bed it takes five minutes for her tits to roll over. Her relationship with her husband is like that of a real marriage. Bitchy. Loving. Crazy.Sexy. All at the same time. And what a pair of melons. Damn. HOT!!!!!!!!!!

La LaLaLa La, Hey Rube!

Hey, Rube, don't make it bad
Take a bad stand and make it better
Remember to let me into your heart
Then I can start to make it better

Hey, Rube, don't be afraid
You were wrong to go out and vet her
The minute you voted cause of skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Rube, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who can’t be cool
By voting like a third worlder

Hey, Rube! Don't let me down
You have found me, now go and make it better
Remember, to let me into your heart
Then you can start to make it wetter.

So let me in and let me out, hey, Rube, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it isn’t just you, hey, Rude,
You'll do, the movement in your twat just makes you bolder.

Hey, Rube, don't make it bad
Take a sad stand and make it better
Remember to let me into your heart
Then you can start to make it better, better,better.....

La Lalala La, Hey Rube

The Joker's on you Pal!

New York Post June 28, 2008 --
IT'S a shame Heath Ledger is missing the raves starting to pour in over his performance as the Joker in "The Dark Knight," which debuts July 18. "Ledger gives a blockbuster performance . . . [and] will absolutely be nominated for an Oscar," entertainment writer Sam Rubin gushes on his KTLA-TV blog. "Ledger offers perfect pitch, perfect tone, his Joker hits all the right notes . . . [he] is the best villain in a superhero movie of all time." Ledger died at 28 from a fatal drug overdose in his SoHo loft.


Gotham City, September 27, 2007

Commissioner Gordon: I don't know what to do Chief O'Hara. The Joker is running wild in the streets of Gotham City. He is murdering innocent bystanders, running wild in a crime spree and chewing up all the scenery.
Chief O'Hara: Should I get the Bat phone?
Commissioner Gordon: No, I am afraid that Batman is no match for the Joker. After all Val Kilmer got too fat and George Clooney is too liberal. He doesn't even want to give the death penalty to child molestors. I think he is on the Supreme Court now. We don't even know what Batman will show up. I am afraid we have to resort to drastic measures.
Chief O'Hara: You don't mean.....
Commissioner Gordon: Yes go to the roof...and turn on the Olsen Twins Signal....
(Chief O'Hara goes to the roof, and turns on a thin searchlight. In the night sky over Gotham City, a signal is illuminated...it is two stick figures standing on top of a pot of money)

To be continuied..........

Hey just because I'm an insane raddled harridan, that's no excuse for him not fucking me!

New York Post June26, 2008
Humiliated, shocked, mortified, betrayed, embarrassed, violated - those were the words Philip Smith used yesterday in an attempt to describe how it felt to see his wife mocking him about their sexless marriage on YouTube.
Or, as the 76-year-old self-made head of the Shubert Organization repeatedly called it, "TV Tube."
Speaking out for the first time since Tricia Walsh-Smith aired their dirty laundry for millions to see, Smith said her vicious online rant "hurt."
"I can't fully express myself. It was so embarrassing. People know more about us . . ." he said on the witness stand in Manhattan Supreme Court, fumbling as he searched for words.
"I'm basically a very private person. I've made an effort not to be exposed to the press," he said.
"I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I felt violated in every sense of the word."
Smith was testifying in Manhattan Supreme Court, where he's trying to convince Justice Harold Beeler to grant him a divorce from his wife of nine years on the grounds that she was "cruel and inhuman" to him.
His strongest evidence is the four video rants his wife posted about him online, where she claims they never had sex, calls him "a mean, bad husband" and his daughter "evil."
"I never knew anything about YouTube until my secretary told me my wife had put up an article on YouTube," he testified. He said he couldn't believe his eyes.
"I was mortified and shocked. Here was my life being spread out on TV. If 100 people saw it, that's 100 more than I wanted to see it."
To date, almost 3.5 million people have seen it.


The Internets do expose you to a wider viewing audience. When you are telling jokes for your friends in the bar, only about 20 or 30 people will think you are a dick. But when you post on the Internets, a lot more people can find out that you are a moron.

How about this chick. I guess she thought it was a good strategy to advertise what a nut job she is and how she loved to humiliate her husband. Unless she gets a jury of real old school feminist hose bags, she is really out of luck.

Hey be careful of those levee's down in NOLA Beth!

Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 By AP/JIM SALTER
WINFIELD, Mo.) — A heroic effort by hundreds of townspeople, volunteers and National Guardsmen to hold back the Mississippi River failed Friday — undone by a burrowing muskrat.
The furry rodent dug a hole through the earthen levee in this eastern Missouri community, allowing water to penetrate the floodwall, which failed shortly before dawn.
The muskrat holes, which had been covered by sandbags, were discovered Monday. They allowed constant pressure from the river to turn the relatively small, private levee to mush. By midweek, mudslides formed, and levee workers who walked atop the berm said it felt like a waterbed.


Earlier today I read about our friend Beth in New Orleans who told about the problem they have down there with nurtia’s which are large burrowing rodents who damage the levees done in NOLA. I know that the government down there is keeping an eye on the muskrat and nutria problem. And I am sure Beth is keeping her eye on the beaver.

Diamonds are a Girl's best friend.

New York Post Page 6, June 27, 2008 --
SHARON Stone may think she originated the no-panties flash in "Basic Instinct," but Marilyn Monroe beat her by decades. Longtime Monroe photographer Lawrence Schiller tells this month's Ocean Drive that soon after meeting Monroe, during a chat in her dressing room, "she swung around in her chair with her legs open, and she had no pants on. . . . If she trusted you, you could do anything together."

Toot’s Shors Saloon, April 15, 1953
Toots: Hey Joe there’s a little lady I want you to meet. Over here.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: (walks Joe over to a banquet where Marilyn Monroe is sitting with her agent) Hey Kid, I want you to met Joltin Joe DiMaggio the greatest baseball player there ever was…Joe this is Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Nice to meet ya. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and shakes with Joe)
Joe DiMaggio: (Shakes with Marilyn and stands awkwardly, puts hands in his pocket)
Hello Miss Monroe.
Toots: Hey lets siddown and have a couple of pops.
Marilyn: That sounds like fun. (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are slightly open. She is not wearing any underwear) Say Joe, I don’t know anything about baseball but it looks like you like to choke up on the bat.
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: So Joe do you have a big bat?
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: I like the strong silent type.

Holy Crapola Batman, who woke up Carlos Delgado?

That freakin' asshole Carlos Delgado had nine RBI's in the Mets whipping of the Yankees today. The Mutts won 15-6. An ass kicking fair and square. Delagado has be playing like shit for the past three months and today he decides to wake up? We know he hates America so he must of figured out he was playing in the United States as he was in Yankee Stadium which is the heart of the red white and blue. So he just wanted to do damage to the gringos because when he's on the Mets it's like he's playing on Santurce or something in the winter league. Lets hope we come back in the night cap. And check his papers.

Hey Juan, I have to say I have a lot of respect for you now even though you are a commie.

New York Daily News Columnist Juan Gonzales, June 26, 2008:

Some of New York's biggest union leaders lined up on the steps of City Hall Thursday to cheer Mayor Bloomberg's new mega development plan - the $3 billion Willets Point project in Queens.
One after another, they gave glowing praise to one more giveaway to real estate developers - one that had been opposed by a majority of the City Council.
The labor leaders touted the "historic" concessions on future jobs at Willets Point they claim to have secured from City Hall in return for backing the project.
When asked about the 225 private businesses and 1,300 current workers that would be forced to move out of Willets Point if the Council approves the mayor's plan, the union leaders were mum on labor solidarity.




Even the communist/columnist Juan Gonzales can see how wrong this is when Bloomberg is selling off the city to his cronies. I have to tip my hat to him. I disagree with almost every column that he ever wrote, but he shows a lot of integrity in blasting the unions on this land grab of private property. Now this is the same thing that happened with the Nets stadium. The developer was smart enough to pay off the unions so all of those union jobs in the shops around Willets point won’t matter to them. They got theirs. But thanks to our friends at the Supreme Court, the government feels free to just take the property of anyone who gets in the way of their friends making a lot of money. I have to give Juan props for speaking out against his natural allies. He has balls and I have a lot more respect for him than I ever did before.

He should still be deported but that’s another story.

Profiles in Courage.

New York Post Page Six June 27, 2008 --
HARRY Shearer has a new CD ripping President Bush - but ads for it won't be coming to a billboard near you. The outdoor advertising arm of notoriously conservative Clear Channel has banned signs for "Songs of the Bushmen" because the cover depicts the president with a bone through his nose. "Their tone turned from genial salesperson to angry schoolmarm - 'This is unacceptable,' " Shearer, the voice of Mr. Burns and Flanders on "The Simpsons," told Page Six. "And it's not like this is a dangerous time to criticize George Bush." Clear Channel didn't get back to us.

What a hero that Harry Shearer! Man he picked up George Carlin's mantle of a Truth teller who spares no one in his ability to mock the pretentious and speak truth to power. I look forward to his next album with Barack Obama with a bone through his nose.....oh what...he doesn't have the balls...that's not funny...ok never mind.

Our house...our little Amy Winehouse...with two rocks on the floor.. there used to be much more

New York Post, Page Six June 27, 2008 --
THE word "mess" doesn't only apply to Amy Winehouse's hair and clothes. A Rolling Stone reporter who entered the tattooed singer's London flat for an impromptu interview said it's "in disastrous disarray" with "discarded bags of potato chips, crumpled nuggets of tinfoil, beer bottles, a camera with a fish eye lens,lingerie boxes and scattered old credit cards" everywhere. Winehouse's nightly guests include "musicians, dealers, masseuses, friends and fans."

Wow. It's a wonder she has time for blogging heads.

Top Ten Comic Book Villains of all time! (Excluding President Bush)

10. The Green Goblin. Spiderman’s nemesis was an integral part of the first three Spiderman movies and is the epitome of a super villain. Super smart, rich and evil. Hey do you think Donald Trump is a super villain? Oh wait, he isn’t smart. Never mind.

9. The Riddler. You got to love the Riddler. But the Frank Gorshin one; not the Jim Carrey one. Holy epigram Batman. Riddle me this Batman, why is a thirty year old man running around in tights with his teenage “ward.” Luckily for him he has Stevens on the Supreme Court.

8. Catwoman. Man is she sexy or what! Almost every one of them is ready for fun. Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt. Lee Meriwether. Michelle Pfierer. And now Hallie Berry. Meeeoooowwww!!!!! Batman had to get a piece of that, but of course that didn’t happen. See number 9. Plus he didn’t have any condoms in his utility belt. Just K-Y.

7. Loki the Norse God of mischief. Always busting poor Thor’s balls. Making side deals with other demons. Just an all around pain in the ass. Sort of reminds of Lindsey Graham.

6. The Red Skull. Captain America has been fighting this Nazi crazy since World War Two. I wonder if he is still around. He must be about 110. He’s the Strom Thurmond of super villains.

5. Mephisto the Hell Lord. A nasty demon from hell. When not tormenting the Silver Surfer, Thor, the Ghost Rider or other super heroes, he works for the IRS.

4. The Joker. It is no mistake that the Joker is at the base of most of the Batman’s mythology. A corrupt soul, it seems that he is the real star of the new film The Dark Night. A twisted crazy crime lord whose antics are always sure to entertain. He casually kills more people than Robert Mugabe.

3. The Penguin. Not the cute little animal celebrated by Morgan Freeman and animated movies. Rather the twisted and demented criminal who is a danger to all mankind. He got that way by playing third base for the Los Angles Dodgers during the ‘70s.

2. Dr Doom. Reed Richards former friend and the absolute monarch of Latveria a small European country which is currently the home of the European Union. He has changed his act from dooms day devices to excessive taxation and overwhelming regulations. Scary.

1. The number one super villain is of course: Susan Sarandon.

He said, she slapped!

So I am walking out the door of my house and leave the gate and there is this yuppie couple walking down the street arguing. Now he’s about my size 6’3” and around 220 and looks pretty fit. She is a skinny little bit of a thing around 5’4” or so. She’s shouting “I hate you, get away from me, you bastard.” Now it wasn’t a stalker thing or anything like that because they were obviously together. Then she hauls off and punches him right in the balls. Now it seems comical that this little girl would punch this big guy holding his briefcase and her bags but she obviously hurt him. The UPS guy delivering across the street was laughing his ass off. I mean what could you do. I had to wince because all my life women have always punched me.

Now I never really did anything that I deserved to get punched for but it happened all the time. But when you are a big guy, girls think they can just haul off and punch you and you are just supposed to shrug it off. Well here’s a news flash: it hurts. It doesn’t matter what the relative sizes of people might be, if someone punches you it hurts. Especially if they get in a bad spot (the balls) or if you aren’t expecting it. The Irish barmaids at the pubs I used to hang out in were the worst. I would be sitting at the end of the bar and they would get a table and they would come back and slug me “For fooks sake, I got a table of German tourists, or women, or black people (all people who don’t tip). Stop whimpering you big gob shite, don’t be a pussy.” So I would end up with a bunch of bruises when what I only really wanted was a pint.

So girls, no matter how big the guy is, don’t hit him. It hurts.

Ask Trooper York: How do I buy my underwear?

Carefully. As a guy you just go into Century 21 or JC Penny and pick out five or six packages of whatever you want. That is of course if you are straight. For you gay dudes we will have to ask Titus about shopping for sexy undies. Me I am strictly a tightie whitie guy. Now isn’t that too much information.

But for the ladies, I have recently developed a lot of expertise in shopping for ladies garments due to the opening of our store. I have previously written about the proper fit for bras. Most women are wearing the wrong bra size. Everyone comes into the store and says “I’m something, something double D.” Not true. You are most likely an E or an F or a G or even an H. What you have been doing is going up in band size to get a larger cup. You are not a 44DD but a 38F. You need to be sized properly.

But don’t worry, the only thing I don’t do in the store is fit bras. As much as I might be tempted to now and again. Try a good boutique or specialty store near you and get a good bra. Your tits will take you for it.

By the way a good bra goes for $100 or more. Don’t accept a cheap $20 piece of crap or it’s gonna be sag city sister. A good bra will make you look slimmer and make your clothes fit the way they are supposed to fit. You might even go down a size if you have the right bra. Trust me, it works.

Bill Mazeroski can go fuck hisself, allright!

Hey we bitch slapped the Pirates last night and we are up again so far today. I want to run the table with these weak ass National League teams. It is a sin and a shame that the Reds got two out of three from us. Giradi better wake up and put the pedal to the metal so we can make up some ground on these weak sisters.

Blogging Heads with Amy Winehouse and Tyra Banks.

Banks: Hi I am fashionista Tyra Banks and I am joined on blogging heads today by Amy Winehouse from a crackhouse in Mayfair. Hi Amy.
Winehouse: Hi Naomie. Please don’t throw your cell phone at the camera okay luv.
Banks: It’s Tyra Banks not Naomie Campbell Amy, I know you are high but get your black supermodels straight allright.
Winehouse; Whatever you say Iman. Hey is David Bowie a poofter or what? I heard he went on a midnight ramble with Mick Jagger and they…
Banks: Let’s focus for a moment you addle headed whore. We are here to talk about fashion and the recent appearance by Michelle Obama on the View.
Winehouse: Is Michelle the girl who lived in the house with the Olsen twins and those three gay guys…cause I haven’t seen that show in a long time and…
Banks: No you stupid hose bag, Michelle Obama is the wife of presidential candidate and major hottie Barack Obama. She wore a very inexpensive dress on the view that lead to a lot of comment on the Web and on various talk shows. A lot of people remarked on how well toned her arms are and how she loved to show them off.
Winehouse: I never show my arms if I can help it.
Banks: I wouldn’t either with those tracks you worthless junkie.
Winehouse: Hey cut it you biffa tramp…you are just jealous cause you are a big fat tub of goo.
Banks: OH NO YOU DIDN”T GO THERE!
Winehouse; You’re just a square, you just don’t get it…you just aren’t as cool as me dearie.. I’m the coolest hep cat out there….
Banks: Don’t make come out there, I’ll rip what little hair you have out of your worthless empty head.
Winehouse: Blah, Blah, Blah (lights up a crack pipe and takes a long hit)
Banks: Listen to me you stupid skank (hurls cell phone at camera)

Screen goes dark.

Tune in next week as Mickey Kraus debates the Iron Sheik.

That will show him!!!!

The Associated Press
Thursday, June 26th 2008, 12:02 AM
LONDON - Queen Elizabeth stripped Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe of his ceremonial knighthood Wednesday - a highly unusual move meant to show Britain's revulsion with the human rights abuses of his regime.

"This action has been taken as a mark of revulsion at the abuse of human rights and abject disregard for the democratic process in Zimbabwe over which President Mugabe has presided," the Foreign Office said.


In a related story, the Queen has stripped Sir Paul McCartney of his knighthood because of his marriage to that crazy one legged bitch. "I can not have a member of the Royal Order of the Bath be associated with any one who fornicates with insane one legged whores."

Tony Soprano was devastated.

Bad news for Latrell Sprewell and Tommie Lee!

New York Daily News, June 25th, 2008
Letting child welfare workers conduct criminal background checks on everyone in a household where they suspect abuse was among a mixed bag of laws passed in the waning days of Albany's current legislative session.
"Making a determination about a child's safety is hard enough - but making it without the best and fullest information is just plain dangerous," said Mayor Bloomberg, who had pressed Albany to pass the bill.

This has a potential for disaster. These child welfare workers have too much power as it is. They should turn over the information to the cops and not play Mannix on their own. The potential for abuse is too great. If they think the kid is at risk, by all means call in the cops and get to the bottom of it. But the kids that work in this field are not detectives and shouldn't be put in that position. They have a hard enough job as it is. Just sayn'

Movie Mishaps Number One

New York Post June 28, 2006
DAVID Geffen is a brilliant businessman, but he made one incredibly bad call early in his career. In her new autobiography, "Society's Child," pop singer Janis Ian reveals how Geffen and Hal Ray, her agents at William Morris, once presented her with an offer to do the soundtrack for "something called 'The Graduate,' and advised me to pass. One of them said . . . 'It stars some big-nosed unknown kid with a funny name and bad hair. The story line is silly - [he] graduates from college, has an affair with his mother's close friend and neighbor, falls in love with the neighbor's daughter, then runs away with her after breaking into church where the wedding's being held. Oh, and he locks everybody else inside . . . with a big cross, while he and this chick make their escape . . . Ridiculous.' We passed. Paul Simon did the score, and the rest is history." The Dustin Hoff man movie got seven Oscar nonimations and its Simon & Garfunkel song "Mrs. Robinson" was a huge hit.


Somehow "Where have you gone Babe Didrikson Zaharias, a lonely nation turns it's eyes to you..oooh oooh oooh" just doesn't have the same zing.

Hey maybe we can get her on Blogging Heads!

NY Post June 26, 2008
She definitely won't be flying home.A Queens woman was released from a Denver lockup yesterday after posting $10,000 bail on charges she went ballistic and screamed obscenities when a JetBlue flight attendant grabbed a lit cigarette from her mouth."If I had known this was going to happen, I would never have left New York City," said Christina Szele, 35, of Woodside, lighting up a cigarette yesterday outside the Denver courthouse. "I'm hoping to put this behind me."
The bail was set Monday by US Magistrate Judge Mark Watanabe, who imposed strict conditions: Szele can't fly on commercial flights and can't consume alcohol or drugs.
Her dad, Laszlo, who lives in San Francisco and turned 71 on Tuesday, posted the bail.
He said that when his daughter was released, she said, "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"
Szele, a graphic designer, will probably take the train home, since her father has no plans to drive her.
She was on her way to celebrate her dad's birthday when she lit up a cigarette - an absolute no-no - on JetBlue Flight 643 midway between the Big Apple and San Francisco.
By her own admission, Szele - who has been known to bend an elbow - had quaffed two beers at home and three vodkas on the plane.
An FBI affidavit said that after flight attendant Paul Whyte "snatched the cigarette from her mouth," Szele began to kick and Scream, and Whyte placed a pair of plastic flex cuffs on her wrists.
Szele got free, and when Whyte, who is black, tried to cuff her again, she began cursing and called him a "dumb motherf - - - - -" and "you f- - -in' n- - - - -," the affidavit said.
Szele was f i n a l ly restrained, and the flight was diverted to Denver. Instead of a birthday party, she and her dad had an hourlong visit at the jail Tuesday. Szele planned to take him out for a steak dinner last night to make up for missing his party.
Szele said the FBI account of the incident was "exaggerated," but declined to offer her own version. She denied making the racial slurs.
An airline spokeswoman declined to comment.
Szele faces up to 20 years behind bars if convicted on the main charge, interfering with a flight crew.


Another case of airplane rage. Every so often you get a case like this. The funny thing is that I think airline pilots are even crazier. I have a friend who is a pilot for a big airline and when he is in town we get together for a few drinks. He always brings his flight crew and other pilots who have a layover. Let me tell you, a bigger bunch of crazy drunken idiots would be hard to find outside of Amy Winehouse's bathroom. This broad is your typical hipster dofuss chick who never had to answer for her actions. Hey kid, this ain't Williamsburg and you can't party and smoke and make as much noise as you want. They outlawed all of that stuff in America.

God Bless Michelle Obama!!!!!!!!!

Well ever since Michelle Obama wore a Donna Ricco dress on the View, we have been having a run on their dresses like you wouldn’t believe. Now the price point is great because you can get a stylish dress with a great fit for between $110. and
$148. So this stuff is flying out of the store. I might have to vote for Barry just so I can make money on selling the stuff his wife wears. God love her.

Top Ten Sitcoms on TV today, you know you watch them you losers!

10. Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. The other side of the Cosby’s this is an African American sitcom with a lot of heart. A single parent lives with his aunt and uncle and his baby mama who is a recovering drug addict. Lots of buffoonery but more realistic than a lot of other shows you will see on TV that’s for sure. Tyler Perry is a brand name nowadays like Disney, you know what you are getting and it is usually very entertaining.

9. How I Met Your Mother. A friend’s style sitcom. What makes it go is the breakout character of Barney played by Doogie Howser all grown up. What makes it especially funny is that Neil Patrick Harris has come out of the closet but plays the biggest hound dog womanizer on TV this side of Charley Sheen. Now this is real acting cause Sheen is just playing himself.

8. Hannah Montana. Yeah, yeah I know. But it is kind of a cute show and if you have tweener kids or grandkids you better get used to it. That’s all I got to say.

7. Rescue Me. Now you might call this a drama but the comic elements really take over this fireman drama. Plus Dennis Leary and his magic unicorn dick are just one big joke.

5. The Bill Engvald Show. Now why would you pick this run of the mill comedy with the all knowing mom dofuss dad and smart aleck kids? Well because it is gentle fun and very enjoyable way to spend a half hour. A real old fashioned traditional sitcom. Sort of like eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Familiar and comforting. Bust the mom is very high on the fuckabilty chart in my humble opinion.

4. Two and a Half Men. Two brothers sharing a Malibu Beach house with a slob of a son and nephew. The writing is pretty good and Charley Sheen spoofing his reputation is always good for laughs. And the kid is a hoot.

3. The Office is as good as it gets. It really shows you the craziness you run into in an office environment. And everyone has had a boss like Michael at one time or another. I think the American version is far superior to the English one. Dwight is another classic sitcom character. Ted Baxter gone viral. And the repressed blonde accountant bitch, man yet another classic office character. There is one in every office. In fact she is gonna report you for reading this right now instead of doing your work. Busted.

2. My Boys. I know most people don’t rate this sitcom this high but it has so many things I enjoy I had to push it up the list. A bunch of friends in Chicago who work in sports or sports related jobs. The cast is great and the guy who plays the brother really reminds me of me. In fact in the episode where he gets wasted and hires the mariachi band to follow him around was when my wife turned to me and said “Hey that’s something you would do.”

1. Thirty Rock. I like this show so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Ask Trooper York!

We are starting a new segment here on Trooper York. As suggested by our good friend Meade, we will take questions from our commenter's and offer what small amount of wisdom we have to offer.

Our first Question is why doesn't football have innings?

The simple answer is that football players are too stupid to count. So they have to do everything based on a clock. Similarly basketball and hockey players. Baseball is a game of leisure first developed in the 1800's. America was much more literate then. We could even add. But with the advent of football all sports had to be dumbed down. You see football really took off in the Ivy League. And we all know how stupid Ivy leaguers are even in this day and age. Even a shoeless kid from the Dominican can tell you that the ball is round and the bat is round but you have to hit the ball square.

He would just tell you that in Spanish.

Then he would stab Willie Randolph in the back.

Top Cop getting some ass and causes ruckas?

New York Daily News June 24th 2008
The city's top black cop was visiting a secret girlfriend in Queens when he became involved in a racially charged incident that left another officer's career in tatters, a man involved in the tangled affair says.

Chief Douglas Zeigler became a symbol of racial tension in the NYPD when two white cops aggressively questioned him while he was parked in front of a hydrant in Corona on May 2.

The married chief told Commissioner Raymond Kelly he was in the area to deliver a package, sources said.

Actually, Zeigler was rendezvousing with his paramour, Officer Valerie Sloan, said her ex-boyfriend.

"You're sitting at a fire hydrant and now you want to s--- on a cop's career because you were playing footsie? That's not right," said Sloan's ex, Raul Morrison.

A former city cop, Morrison is the father of Sloan's two children.

"The poor cop who got jammed up on this - this is not racial profiling, and that's from a black ex-cop," said Morrison, who was fired by the NYPD in 1991 after a series of command disciplines.

He filed a complaint with the department's Internal Affairs Bureau in 2003 alleging Zeigler was dating Sloan and that they used their NYPD connections to bar him from seeing his kids.

No comment.

Heather Locklear in bondage!

New York Post, Page Six
June 25, 2008 -- ANOTHER day, another celebrity in rehab. This time, Heather Locklear announced to People magazine yesterday that she's seeking treatment for psychological issues at an Arizona facility. Her flack said of the actress, who is dating Jack Wagner: "Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment." In March, Locklear's doctor called 911, saying the "Melrose Place" starlet was suicidal. Her daughter, Ava, 11, is presumably staying with her father Richie Sambora during her treatment.

I guess she saw herself in the mirror and realized how fucked up her plastic surgery really looks. Dude the way her skin is pulled back it looks like the snare drum Richie Havens was playing at Woodstock. And she has Chinese eyes. What happened to her. I mean I know woman have to be young in Hollywood, but there is a lot of room for the older woman with the really hot body whose face shows a few miles on it. I remember when I was watching Mannix or Barnaby Jones or Cannon or whatever, they would always go to a bar and meet up with Sheree North. Man she would be sitting at the end of the bar and she would have a cocktail and a cigarette in her hand and she was so fucking hot. I was too young to know what to do with that was but when I started hanging out in bars, ohh baby. Nobody wants that Sheree North role anymore. Heather would have been perfect. She could be the older babe who has been around that young hero can bang and learn about life. Then she gets killed in the cross fire and he can go off in the sunset with the girl reporter with the perky breasts. Of course that doesn't happen in real life.

Girl reporters don't ever have perky breasts.

Hey if you look at wrinkles in his skin you can see the Virgin Mary.

New York Post, Page Six June 25, 2008
WHO said nuns are out of touch? Yesterday afternoon, recently rehabbed Steven Tyler made a quick stop at a SoHo Starbucks and was confronted by an unlikely fan. A witness reports a nun went "crazy" upon realizing that the man next to her in line was the Aerosmith frontman. According to our spy, the nun started jumping up and down and yelling to Tyler "Have a good day" and, "I can't believe that you are in my Starbucks."


The Nuns we had at Sacred Hearts felt the same way about Perry Como. I remember the first year we had male lay teachers (hee hee). Anyway there was a dispute over what album they were going to play on the victrola on a study hall. One of the nuns wanted Perry Como. The other one wanted Liberace. They put it to a vote of the students. The new hire Mr. Glaeki was our homeroom teacher. He said "Vote for Como, not the homo." He got in a lot of trouble.

He later went into political consulting.

Save us Spidey!!!!

MSN Entertainment News:
Tobey Maguire is hedging, Kirsten Dunst has waffled and director Sam Raimi may want to move on, but Sony Pictures has given "Spider-Man 4" a release date -- sort of. According to the Los Angeles Times, producer Laura Ziskin dished to theater owners from California and Nevada that a fourth installment of the franchise will hit theaters in May 2011.


Reportedly the super villain will be a Supreme Court Justice who imposes his arbitrary rules on normal New Yorkers and shredding the Constitution to follow European guidelines.

Jill Scott wore one of our dresses.

The great singer Jill Scott wore an Anna Sholz dress from our store at one of the BET functions last night. She didn't wear it on the show but she rocked out with the Al Green tribute. The Rev. Green blew the doors down with his set. The man still has it. Thats the music that I rock out with on a Saturday morning. Sweet Soul music.

News flash; J-Lo is a Bitch!

MSN Gossip News:
The kinder, gentler image Jennifer Lopez has projected since the debut of 4-month-old twins Max and Emme is being dinged by an alleged boutique brouhaha. The New York Post claims Mrs. Marc Anthony was "a diva with a capital D" during a recent excursion to a Catherine Malandrino outpost not far from her Long Island estate. "She demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, 'Absolutely not,'" a snitch asserts to the paper. "Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing."

I call that a Saturday morning at the store. If you can't put up with that you should close your doors. My pet peeve is with immigrants. It doesn't matter from what country, they just think you are a stupid white American and they can get a discount or a sales price. My policy, every time you talk amongst yourselves in a foreign language the price goes up bitch. I know curse words in thirty languages and I know what you said.

Scumbag Liberal Supreme Court Justices don't care if your children are raped!

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court on Wednesday outlawed executions of people convicted of raping a child.
In a 5-4 vote, the court said the Louisiana law allowing the death penalty to be imposed in such cases violates the Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment.
"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion. His four liberal colleagues joined him, while the four more conservative justices dissented.
There has not been an execution in the United States for a crime that did not also involve the death of the victim in 44 years.
Patrick Kennedy, 43, was sentenced to death for the rape of his 8-year-old stepdaughter in Louisiana. He is one of two people in the United States, both in Louisiana, who have been condemned to death for a rape that was not also accompanied by a killing.
The Supreme Court banned executions for rape in 1977 in a case in which the victim was an adult woman.
Forty-five states ban the death penalty for any kind of rape, and the other five states allow it for child rapists. Montana, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Texas allow executions in such cases if the defendant had previously been convicted of raping a child.

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!

Well that shows you where we would be if Obama appoints more liberal judges. It is totally unbelievable that those five Supreme Court Judges believe that the crime of raping a child does not deserve the death penalty. That torture and repeated rapes of toddlers would not rise to the level necessary for the death penalty. That a national consensus is there to stop the death penalty in these cases.

I believe that that there is a national consensus for vigilante justice in such cases. If someone repeatedly rapes and tortures your child, you and your family should just kill him outright. But don’t let it be known. Don’t even press charges. Just disappear him in a right wing death squad sort of way. The legal establishment doesn’t care about regular people. No jury would convict you. The law that the Court lays down is only important if you intend to obey it. More decisions like this and more and more people will begin to realize that the law is not on the side of the law-abiding.

Is that your Black Berry or you just happy to see me?

Reuters:
NEW YORK - One in five U.S. workers regularly attends after-work drinks with co-workers, where the most common mishaps range from bad-mouthing another worker to kissing a colleague and drinking too much, according to a study released on Tuesday.

Most workers attend so-called happy hours to bond with colleagues, although 15 percent go to hear the latest office gossip and 13 percent go because they feel obligated, said the survey conducted for CareerBuilder.com, an online job site.

As to what happens when the after-work drinks flow, 16 percent reported bad-mouthing a colleague, 10 percent shared a secret about a colleague, 8 percent kissed a colleague and 8 percent said they drank too much and acted unprofessionally.

Five percent said they had shared a secret about the company, and 4 percent confessed to singing karaoke.

While 21 percent of those who attend say happy hours are good for networking, 85 percent said attending had not helped them get closer to someone higher up or get a better position.

An equal number of men and women said they attend happy hours with co-workers, with younger workers age 25 to 34 most likely and workers over 55 least likely to attend.




One of the most deadly mistakes you can make is making out with a co-worker at a drunken happy hour. But it is a mistake every 20 something should makes so you learn not to shit where you eat. In our salad days in the '80's when Wall St was booming every day happy hour started at 4pm and went on into the night. We would hang out at the South St Seaport and drink big Foster "Oil Can" Beers out of a tub from in front of the North Star Pub. You could always find a bunch of other people from other firms who were hanging out. Of course lots of drunken hi-jinks ensued. The way we always got in trouble was with the pranks that we pulled.

The most memorable was at the old Quiet Man on 45th Street. What was cool about that place was that everyone who hung out there was a stone alcoholic. The owner was a crazy ex-cop who thought he was John Wayne. He was a gentleman when he was sober but when he got his load on he was a lunatic. They used to have this full suit of Armor hanging from the wall next to the fireplace. When Eddie got drunk he would go down to the office to sleep. He would strip down to his underwear and collapse on the couch. But he would wake up strap his gun over his boxers, put on his wingtips and come upstairs. Sometimes this was at 3 or 4 o'clock when people were still in the bar. But when he was roaring drunk most people knew that discretion was the better part of valor and went home early. So he would stagger upstairs wobbling and lurching. The cat was scared shit less of him because when it would run away, Eddie in a drunken stupor would pull his piece and blast away. He got five or six mirrors, a chandelier, several paintings and of course the Armor which he called the Tin Man. You would come in at lunch time and he would say "Ah shit, the Tin man took another bullet last night."

Anyway we were drinking one night with a bunch of accountants and one of them was this new Chinese kid let's call him David Wong. He weighed all of 98 lbs soaking wet. Anyway we proceed to get him drunk to the point where he was comatose. I think it took about three shots. Anyway we though a great prank would be to carry him over and hang him on the wall in the armor. This way we could final see a chink in the armor.

Luckily we remembered to take him out when we left.

It would have been a great headline for the NY Post. We really dodged a bullet with that one. Well at least David did.

Where was Jane Seymour last night?

Reuters:
PHOENIX - A cougar attacked, killed and partially ate a New Mexico man, authorities said on Tuesday.
A search party found the body of Robert Nawojski, 55, in a wooded area near his mobile home in Pinos Altos, New Mexico, late last week, the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish said.
Investigators concluded that Nawojski had been attacked and killed by a cougar, at a spot close to his home, where he lived alone and was known to bathe and shave outdoors.


Jane Seymour, Demi Moore and Jennifer Coolidge are considered persons of interest to the authorities and are being questioned as to their whereabouts last night.

Imus steps into it again.

Well Imus did it again. He asked Warner Wolf who was reading a crime stat story on Pac Man Jones if he was black. When Warner said yes, he said "Well there you go. Now we know." Now all the professional outrage guys could get all riled up but I think they are going to let it go this time. They already got him once this year and I hope he has the balls not to beg forgiveness again. I used to listen to Imus on WFAN and he was always a mean and nasty bastard. He was just a bully who loved to rank on others and I had to laugh when he got screwed because of the Rutgers basketball team. He collapsed like a cheap suitcase when the grievance community went after his scalp and all of his liberal friends like Tim Russert and David Gregory and Chris Dodd dumped him like a sack of shit by the side of the road. He spent so much time sucking up to the likes of Harold Ford and they couldn't wait to throw him overboard. I don't think anyone is going to be able to summon enough outrage to come at him again so he is probably safe. But it is time for him to retire because he is way past it if he can't stand up like a man and tell these guys to go fuck themselves. He's a shock jock, and he has to be shocking. He is just too old and senile to get it done. Time to retire. Or die.

Top Ten TV Westerns (The Big Valley was between Linda Evans Tits)

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I really like something until I don't like it anymore.

I am a creature of habit. I find something I like and I start to follow it. It could be radio talk show, or a tv show, or a series of books, or a blog. Since I have a pretty good memory, I remember a lot of what goes on in whatever I am following so when they start to repeat themselves it can get kind of boring. It loses a lot of its entertainment value. So I generally drop it and move to something else. Sometimes you are stuck though and you can't really move on. Case in point the Mike and the Mad Dog show on WFAN. As a big sports fan, I have to have some sports talk every day. The only time I really have is in the afternoon on the job or when I am travelling home on the train. So I am locked into this program. I can't listen to ESPN as it is a national show and doesn't take New York Sports into the right level of detail. So I am stuck listening to these idiots because I don't have much choice. I used to listen to Rush and O'Reilly but they are getting pretty repetitive. And politics is basically boring me these days so I avoid them as much as I can. I have to multi-task and do three or four things at the same time or my brain starts to overheat. So I have to listen to something. It would be great if they set up a new sports show.

Register for WWIN

Hey I just had to register for the Woman's Wear in Nevada convention in August in Vegas. August in Vegas. Hot stuff. Real hot stuff. Jeeez.

Hey Russo, do me a favor and quit you dick.

Chris Russo led off his monolouge today with the story in Newsday that the Mike and Mad Dog were breakin' up the radio team. Please God that it would be so. But these douches are making too much money for that to happen so we have to listen to this idiot for a long time. I am getting a little tired of Francesa as well since he just repeats himself five times in the same sentence and it's starting to drive me crazy. But for local sports talk you have to listen to the FAN.

I need to change my sock puppets.

You know on other blogs there is a lot of discussion over who is a sock puppet for another blogger and who they really are. Also, people are classified as trolls for the comments they post. Now luckily I don't have that problem because I certainly don't have enough commenters to nourish a troll garden. But it does interest me that there is so many comments and so much speculation as to who certain commenters "really" are in fact if not in name.

On Althouse, there has long been speculation that Cyrus Pinkerton was Amanda Marcotte the feminist blogger who had her problems with the Edwards campaign. I thought that was possible since Cyrus presented his thoughts in a way somewhat consistent with Miss Marcottes stated views. But who knows? No admission was ever made so it is all speculative.

Now they are claiming that Montana Urban Legend is also penned by Miss Marcotte. That seems less likely to me as her missives while very liberal, they are not as uniformly doctrinaire as Cyrus's best stuff. It's possible but unlikely.

I wonder how many of the other commenter's are set up by people who want to say something that won't be credited to their main identity. I knew I tried to snark under a few pen names when I was commenting way too much. But everyone knew it was me because my style seems to be very recognizable. Plus I always picked the names of movie characters as the name of the commenters. Maybe if I picked a different persona I won't be so recognizable. But probably not.

So I would appreciate the fact that no sock puppets have appeared as yet. But if any appear, I would hope that they would be fishnets. (Just if you're listening Amanda).

I gonna cut you, you fertilizer you!

Well Jerry Manuel turns out to be a Brainiac doesn't he? He told reporters after the Reyes incident that the next time he was going to get his "blade" and that he was going to cut him. Then he called Reyes she, as in "She said she was hurt." He said the Mets were gangsters and called the fans fertilizer. You know I could just see Walter Alston or Miller Huggins or someone like that using the same motivational speech.

The Met's just don't have a clue.

Blogging Heads with Christopher Hitchens and Amy Winehouse

Hitchens: Hello, welcome to blogging heads. I am Christopher Hitchens from Vanity Fair magazine and today we are talking with Amy Winehouse who is coming to us from a crack house in Kennsington.
Winehouse: It’s in Mayfair actually luv.
Hitchens: Whatever. Well Amy you seem to be in the news lately. It seems your father is worried about you, that your crack smoking has so damaged your lungs that you won’t be able to breathe, let alone sing. What do you have to say about that?
Winehouse: It’s just me Da worrying. It’s sweet. Isn’t your Da worried that you are drunk all the time. How about the time you puked on Mother Theresa.
Hitchens: I stated that I spit on Mother Theresa not that I "puked" as you say. I only expectorate when it it political motivated. It’s political commentary not gastric distress. The only gastric distress I have is when I see a picture of you running around in the tabloids in your knickers looking for drugs. You look like an emaciated lemur searching for a crack pipe.
Winehouse: Bluurrrppp (vomits a little in her mouth). You’re so smart with you fancy words. You’re just a bugger. A dirty bugger,like the buggers that are buggering my fiancé while he’s in prison. You bugger.
Hitchens: Well this is definitely going to be a battle of wits today. It’s almost as bad as the time that crazed blond woman went off her nut while debating that hippie chick with the moustache Garage Frankenfurter or whatever her name might have been. This is quite depressing.

What do you do when you are bored with TV

There aren't many new shows on TV lately so when we want to relax we have to find something else to do. At the end of a long day we like to veg in front of the tube and watch something we tivod to wind down. But there really haven't been any new shows that have been any fun. Most of my favorites like the Wire and Deadwood are long gone and even the silly sitcoms are in what seems like perpetually reruns. You can only watch so much Bridezillas and Ice Road Truckers until you go crazy. I usually read or maybe post on the net, but the wife starts to get stir crazy after a while. The only reasonable solution is to rent a pay per view movie, but then you have to invest an hour or more in it and that's not worth it most of the time. With Tivo, you can zip past the commercials and be done in a half hour most of the time. It's funny the shit you complain about. I remember when we didn't even have vcr's and could only watch the eight broadcast channels. It was a big treat when you could catch the Spanish Channel 47 which had professional wrestling with Bruno Sanmartino and Chief Jay Strongbow. Life was simpler then.

Man Jackass is really gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I saw Jackass 2.5 last night and man it was pretty gay.Not that there is anything wrong with that if you like it knock yourself out. It all seemed to revolve around the ass. Flying a kite using anal beads. Shooting a rubber bullet at the fat guy's ass. Johnny Knoxville going to a proctologist to have his prostrate massaged. The only two gags that were fun was when the fat guy was costumed as King Kong and he stood on Porto-Potty while they flew model airplanes at him and when Wee-man was a matador with a bull calf. Now that was funny. Not worth the 5 dollars. Wait till it comes on free cable.

Aren't lists boring?

I seem to have been making lists as most of my posts and I don't think that is too smart a tactic. I have to learn how to embed photo's and links when I have more time but I have been as busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Sure, now that you're famous you drop your friends from the Old Nieghborhood!

Donna Ricco got famous because Michele Obama wore one of her dresses on the view. We have been selling the shit out of Donna Ricco dresses the last two months because they are a good price point and they have a great fit. They were really happy with us because we were taking some of their back stock and converting it into money. I wonder if this burst of popularity will effect our dealings with them. Stores like ours are their bread and butter. I mean this is steak, but you still need your bread and butter. The wife was supposed to have a meeting with Donna herself but I think that might be put on hold now that she's famous and all. It might be smart for them to remember how the bread is buttered. Just sayn'

Comic passes.

George Carlin passed away. When you don't have anything good to say about someone you shouldn't say anything. I have nothing to say about George Carlin.

Take a breath...I said No, No, No.

LONDON (AP) -- Soul diva Amy Winehouse has damaged her lungs by smoking crack cocaine and cigarettes, her father said in an interview published Sunday.
The Sunday Mirror quoted Mitch Winehouse as saying that Amy has early stage emphysema and an irregular heartbeat, and has been warned that she will have to wear an oxygen mask unless she stops smoking drugs.
"The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs, it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her," Mitch Winehouse was quoted as saying. "There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She has 70 percent lung capacity."
Winehouse, 24, collapsed at her north London home Monday after signing autographs for a group of fans and was taken to a London hospital for tests. She remained there all week.
She is still scheduled to sing at a concert in London on Friday celebrating the 90th birthday of Nelson Mandela, the South African Nobel Prize-winner, and plans to take part in the Glastonbury music festival the following day.
Mitch Winehouse said it would be good for his daughter to perform.
"When she's been inactive work-wise then that's when the problems really start. The doctors have said that medically there isn't any reason why she can't do Glastonbury," the paper quoted him as saying.
He also pleaded with her drug-taking friends to stay away from her.
"What hope does she have if people are taking drugs around her," he said.
Chris Goodman, spokesman for Amy Winehouse, said "If that's what Mitch says, that's what he says. It sounds right."
Mitch Winehouse could not immediately be reached for comment.

Who would a thunk it. Smokin' crack is not good for you.

You know I could never understand why artists have to live this life style to perform at a high level. One after another they destroy themselves with drink and drugs. Especially blues singers like this dumb cunt.

I have to say the video of Winehouse and Charlotte Church doing a cover of Michael Jacksons "Beat It" is the worst musical performance I think I have ever seen and that includes kindergarten recitials. Winehouse is such a red hot mess. Hey she should take up blogging.

I bet she could do a smokin' Blogging Heads while smokin' crack. So to speak.

I wouldn’t want to bet on that! Top Ten Gambling Movies.

10.The Hustler (1961). Paul Newman in one of the few movies of his that I can watch. Jackie Gleason as Minnesota Fats. The real Fats wasn’t even that good a player but he had a cool nickname. Best part was when they were going to break his thumbs. Man if they could only of done that before he invented that disgusting salad dressing.

9.Seabiscuit(2003). Hey it’s a horse racing movie and horse racing is first and foremost gambling. Spiderman is great as the jockey and the movie shows the true story of the little horse that could. Most race movies like this one concentrate on the romance of the horses and the running for the roses and that romantic crap. I need to get a movie that concentrates on the degenerate gamblers betting the babies milk money. Still a fine movie.

8.Casino (1995). As much as I dislike Scorsese, this is the ultimate primer on how gambling works. Pesce is over the top as usual but it’s worth the price of admission to see him grab Sharon Stone by the head and pull her mouth on him. She was just reenacting every audition she has ever had in her entire fucking life. Also a bonus of seeing Joe get whacked with a baseball bat by Phil Leotardo.

7.A Bronx Tale (1993). Now this is usual classified as Mafia or coming of age movie. But there is a lot of gambling from dice games to going to the track to card games. But what makes it a great movie is the concept of getting Mushed. That’s when there is a horrible lousy gambler who always loses. The worst thing in the world is when you find out this guy is betting the same way as you. You are guarantied to lose. You got Mushed.

6.Croupier (1998). Cool English movie starring Clive Owen which delves into the life of a casino worker. The voice over is a little intrusive but it still is a fun film.

5.The Gambler (1974) one of the best portrayals of a degenerate gambler. James Caan is very believable as a degenerate, as a college professor, not so much.


4.Five Card Stud (1968) with Dean Martin, Robert Mitchum and Inger Stevens as the tits. A western with Dean Martin and gambling and lynching, what could be better than that.

3.California Split (1974) a great window back into the seventies it does show how screwed up gamblers can be.
.
2.Hard Eight.(1997) first film from the Boogie Nights guy. Philip Baker Hall does a great old guy who schools John C. Reilly who is my favourite everyman actor. This dude is the new Gene Hackman. Anyway Hall gives great advice about gambling and how to act in a casino for lots of people to follow.

1.The Cincinnati Kid (1965) with the great Steve McQueen and Eddie G. Robinson as the old master who schools the kid. Ann Margaret as the whore wife of Karl Malden and a tasty Tuesday Weld as the arm candy. Lots of fun for any occasion. Highly recommended.

The rule of three!

Blake was talking about Burt Lancaster and that made me recommend three Burt Lancaster films. They aren't his most famous or his best but they are the three that enjoyed the most. Here are a few actors and three of the films I loved that they did.

Just my preference of course. No rhyme or reason.

Burt Lancaster
Go Tell it to the Spartans.
The Flame and the Arrow
Gunfight at OK Corral

Kirk Douglas
A Town with out Pity.
The Big Sky.
Champion.

Duke Wayne
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon
The Quiet Man.
Rio Grande

Jimmy Stewart
Broken Arrow
The Stratton Story
The Philadeplhia Story

Marlo Brando
On the Waterfront
The Godfather
The Wild One

Lee Marvin
Emperor of the North
The Man who Shot Liberty Valance
The Dirty Dozen

Frank Sinatra
On the Town
From Here to Eternity
Von Ryan's Express

Steve McQueen
The Great Escape
The Sand Pebbles
The Cincinatti Kid

Elizabeth Taylor
Ivanhoe
Cleopatra
The Taming of the Shrew

Maureen O'Hara
The Quiet Man
Rio Grande
Mc Clintock

Helen Mirren
Excalibur
The Long Good Friday
The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover

Sean Connery
Goldfinger
Robin and Marian
Dr No

It is the Time of Rupaul 3

Captains Log Star Date 1369.69

We have accompanied Mr. Spock down to Vulcan surface for what he claims is the time of Rupaul. We were confronted by Councilor Liza who seems to be in charge of such matters along with show tunes and rare clumbers.

Liza: Live long and prosper, Spock.
Spock: I am here because of the dictates of my nature. I thought I would be spared this because I am half human and I don’t like to wear Speedo’s but here I am. This is my Captain James Tiberius Kirk and Doctor Mc Coy.
Liza: Ah yes the one they call Boner.
Doctor McCoy: THAT’S BONES. NOT BONER! BONES!
Liza: Yes well we shall see won’t we Boner.

It is the time of Rupaul Part 2

Captains Log Star Date 1369.69

After the curious nuptials of Commander Sulu and Yeoman Titus we have to travel back to Vulcan because of the illness of Mr. Spock. He claims that it is the time of Rupaul when a Vulcan who is not betrothed begins to be thought of as some one who should bond in the most intimate ways with one of his male companions. I traveled down to the surface with Spock and Bones to see if I could help him.

Spock: Would you beam down to the planet's surface and stand with me? There is a brief ceremony.
James T. Kirk: Is it permitted?
Spock: It is my right. By tradition, the male is accompanied by his closest friends.
James T. Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Spock. I think?
Spock: I also request Dr. McCoy accompany me.
Leonard McCoy: I shall be honored, sir. It reminds me of camp.
(They beam down to the surface, and encounter a curious tableau. There are seventeen chorus boys dressed in codpieces holding what looks like giant Q-tips standing in a circle. Slowly they carry a diminutive woman on a sedan chair. They stop in front of them)
Spock: Captain, Doctor, let me introduce you to the councilor of Vulcan who is in charge of this ceremony. Her name is Liza.

Have you got my Coat Tex?

Paris Hilton: My cooch hair coat. The Coat of Dreams. The ultimate fur coat, that was denied me by that cabal at Althouse those disgusting feminists who insist on cultivating their hair, for which I have lost THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE! I had to search for cooch hair everywhere. Luckily we had access to Selma Hayeks shower drain and Bill Clinton’s tooth brush! Corey, we're going to make them pay.
Corey Haim, Paris Hiltons Butler: Yes. How much?
Paris Hilton: Dipstick, she called him. What fiendish justice! He escaped me, but I shall wreak my vengeance on the next generation.
Corey Haim, Paris Hiltons Butler: Sounds wonderful. But Dipshit? What does Freder Federson have to do with anything?
(101 Spots on Her Cooch, or Herpes if you want to get Technical, 2008)

Have you ever heard a woman peeing, well I have and it's gross?

I sit in the back of the store in my office which is right next to the bathroom. Every once in a while one of the employees goes in there to pee. And the walls are paper thin. Man it's disgusting. Sometimes I have to hum real loud so as not to hear it. Other times I am not paying attention and my ears are assaulted. Now when a man takes a pee he is usually standing and makes a lot more noise. It's like a motor boat or something. But when a woman pees is sort sounds like a gross hissing sound like Gollum is masturbating or something. Do you think that Tolkien thought up Gollum by listening to women pee? I don't know why I think about strange things sometimes, I admit it that it's fucking weird.

Hey but anythings better then talking about Michelle Obama. I bet Mort claims that she doesn't even pee. It just evaporates or something.

Is that a tribble under your arms or you just happy to see me?

Paris Hilton: Corey, I need you.
Corey Haim(Paris Hiltons new butler); I'm yours.
Paris Hilton: Banish yourself with a torch, large sack and rubber soled shoes; meanwhile I need a furrier, oh, and I know just where to find him, a-ha ha. Since I can’t get the puppies I plan to grow out my cooch hair until it is long enough to make a coat. It will certainly be just as spotted with beauty marks.
Corey Haim: (under his breath) Herpes you mean you dumb twat.
Paris Hilton: What did you say you silly little boy. Do I have to send you back to Rehab?
Corey Haim: Oh no, no, no. But I think it will take a long time for you to grow enough cooch hair to make a coat. You aren’t hairy enough madam.
Paris Hilton: True. Get Sheryl Crow on the phone. We can use her hair. Especially the armpit hair, she’s been growing that for the last twenty years. That should be enough for a coat. Maybe even a rug.
(101 Spots on Her Cooch, or Herpes if you want to get Technical, 2008)

I want my babies!!!

MSN Entertainment News:
Was Paris Hilton thwarted in her attempt to move a step closer to Cruella de Vil territory? The New York Post claims the short-attention-span starlet popped into the Puppy Store in Los Angeles last weekend and tried to buy a Yorkie. Seems she was heading to a photo shoot and "wanted a puppy in the picture with her so it would look cuter," says a spy. But the paper says a store staffer refused to hand over the fluffy tail-wagger after labeling it "an impulse buy," prompting Paris, who in February admitted to Ellen DeGeneres that she has 17 dogs, to go "ballistic." She supposedly screamed, 'I love my puppies! I want my baby!'" to which the terrified Yorkie responded, "Lady, keep your mits and those Huggies away from me." Hilton's rep, however, insists the story is so much hooey, telling "Access Hollywood" that she only "walked by and looked" at the doggies in the window while checking out boyfriend Benji Madden's nearby DCMA Collective clothing store. Besides, adds the flack, Paris has a Yorkie and "doesn't need more," to which the Yorkies of the world say, "Phew!"

Paris: When can the puppies leave their mother? Two weeks? Three weeks?
Clerk: Never.
Paris: What?
Clerk: W-W-We're n-not s-selling t-the puppies. N-N-Not a sing... a single one. Do you understand?
Paris: Nicole, is he serious? I really don't know what this is all about. Do you want to see my cootch?
Nicole: Well, Paris, he seems...like he's already seen it like everybody else that has a computer you dimwitted slut.
Paris: Surely he must be joking! Or gay!
Clerk: No, no, no. I-I-I mean it. You're-You're not getting one. N-N-Not one. And that's... that's final!
Paris: Why, you horrid man! You... you... all right, keep the little beasts for all I care.
[she rips up the cheque]
Paris: Do as you like with them. Drown them.Take them to live in the Valley.
[she walks up to Nicole]
Paris: But I warn you, Nicole, we're through. I'm through with all of you! I'll get even. Just wait. You'll be sorry! You fools! You... you IDIOTS!
(101 Spots on Her Cooch, or Herpes if you want to get Technical, 2008)

Hey is you is or is you ain't my baby momma?

Mr. Michael Woodman: Kotter, I have just found a pact written on the girl’s lavatory wall where 17 girls vow to get pregnant by the end of the school year. These filthy sweat hogs of yours must have something to do with it.
Gabe Kotter: I don’t think so Mr. Woodman, even the sweat hogs aren’t that stupid. (They go into the sweat hogs home room)
Gabe Kotter: Listen up, there’s a rumor going around that 17 girls are planning to get pregnant, do you guys know anything about this?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino: What are you talking about? I just started dance lessons and working in a paint store. I don’t have time to get all those girls knocked up.
Arnold Horshack: OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH! I volunteer to do it if Vinnie’s too busy.
Mr. Michael Woodman: Don’t be stupid Horshack, you’re Jewish. You couldn’t get it up enough to make 17 baby mammas.
Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington: Hi there.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino: What? Where?
Gabe Kotter: Are you saying you have something to do with it Washington.
Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington: Me, no way. I’m a player but I ain’t stupid enough to be a bareback rider like Barbarino Mr. Kot-tair!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino: Up your nose with a rubber hose!
Mr. Michael Woodman: If you used a rubber or put it up her nose you wouldn’t be in this trouble.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino: What trouble, where?
Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington: Some day I’m gonna run for President and gonna get a six point jump in the polls when you call my wife my baby momma.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino: I'm so sexually confused.
Gabe Kotter: Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Titus?
(Welcome Back Kotter, 1975)

Strike three and you’re out. My Top Ten Sports Movies of all time.

10. Bend it like Beckham. Yeah I know a fucking soccer movie. But it has that hot dot head bitch from ER and the skinny twat from King Arthur. And lots of girl on girl bonding. It’s just a fun movie and we have to have one soccer movie for the rest of the world that doesn’t have real sports.

9. Cinderella Man. A great underrated boxing movie. It shows some of how corrupt boxing can be. The John Adams pinot noir guy does a great job as the manager and really shows how tough it can be in the fight game. Russell Crowe makes a very believable hero and that chimp muck cheeked cunt wasn’t too bad as the love interest.

8. Eight Men Out which is about the Black Sox scandal and not Titus’s softball team. A good historical retelling of the scandal but it kind of glosses over how much fixing was really going on in baseball at the time. Still an outstanding baseball movie.

7. Invincible (2006) with Marky Mark as Philly Eagle scrub Vince Papale who won an off the street tryout to play with the Eagles. As much as I hate the Eagles I have to say this movie is a lot of fun.

6. Personal Best (1982) Hot Olympic Lesbian action with a dewy Mariel Hemingway using Olympic athlete Patrice Donnelly as her own personal monkey bars. As good an Olympic movie as you are going to come across since the Olympics basically suck.

5. Jim Thorpe -- All-American (1951) with Burt Lancaster as the great Jim Thorpe who got screwed out of his trophies. An old fashioned bio-pic with a sports background.

4. Cobb (1994) with Tommy Lee Jones as the aging psycho legend Ty Cobb. It has one of my favorite sequences in sports movie history:

Louis Prima: With all the great players playing ball right now, how well do you think you would do against today's pitchers?
Ty Cobb: Well, I figure against today's pitchers I'd only probably hit about .290
Louis Prima: .290? Well that's amazing, because you batted over .400 a... a whole bunch of times. Now tell us all, we'd all like to know, why do you think you'd only hit .290?
Ty Cobb: Well, I'm 72 fucking years old you ignorant son of a bitch.

3. Gentlemen Jim (1942) with Errol Flynn as James J Corbett and Ward Bond as James L Sullivan. A grand old fashioned film which is very entertaining and better than most of the pap we see these days.

2. The Great White Hope (1970) with James Earl Jones as the boxing great Jack Johnson. A period piece that is true to its period, 1970. But still very entertaining.

1. Pride of the Yankees. (1943) with the great Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig. Since it is a Yankee movie it has to be the best of all time. But it had Babe Ruth playing himself as well as Jumping Joe Dugan and Bill Dickey. One of the all time classics.


Now some of your film nerds (blake) might say where is Raging Bull. Well this is part of my continuing effort to show that Martin Scorsese is wildly overrated as he keeps repeating himself over and over again.

Honorable mention goes to the following films: Fear Strikes Out, Major League, The Rookie, Rocky, Somebody up there Likes Me, Tin Cup, Bull Durham, Rudy, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh, Fastbreak, The Jackie Robinson Story, Hoosiers, The Babe Ruth Story, Kill the Umpire, The Fan, Seabiscuit, and The Stratton Story.

Always a lady.

Grusinskaya: I can’t stand your empty headed babbling anymore you albino mongoloid. I am a woman, hear me roar. I am a feminist. I spit on men and their roles. I piss on Fathers day. I need neither father nor mother. I am autonomous. I need not be part of any relationship as my strength is the strength of ten. Because I am pure and chaste. I just want to be alone.
Miss Peggy Noonan: But surely you would want someone special in your life. Some one to spank you when you come home at night. To tie you to bedpost with his bow ties and whip with his belt as he reads from the collected works of Edmund Burke. Oh George I miss him so. That chink stole him from me that fucky sucky five dollar whore.
Grusinskaya: It is your fault anyway. No one is writing me anymore. Even the paralyzed shut ins who sent sexually charged incoherent drivel have stopped sending me their perverted missives. Ever since I started hanging around with you my correspondence has begun to dry up.
Miss Peggy Noonan: That’s not the only thing that’s dried up.
Grusinskaya: What you chalk faced whore. I will rip your nipples off and feed them to the pigs.
Miss Peggy Noonan: Promises, promises.
Grusinskaya:(under her breath) Pervert.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Set phasers on Stunning!

Captains Log Star Date 1369.69

After the inclusion of Planet Claire into the United Federation of Planets, same sex marriage has been officially sanctioned. Commander Sulu has announced that he wishes to marry Yeoman Titus a new crewman from the Planet Uranus. Under the rules of the Federation, Doctor McCoy will perform the marriage as he is the Chief Medical Officer as well as the Morale officer who officiates at all such ceremonies.

Captain Kirk: Well Bones we have set the ceremony for the change of watch at 1800 hours. Are you ready?
Doctor McCoy: Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a musical comedy performer. I have no idea what to do. But that's not whats worrying me. It's Spock. He seems to be ill. He is not his usual light green color. He seems to have turned an unusual shade of pink.
Captain Kirk: You know you're right Bones. He looks like Yeoman Rand's quirm.
Doctor McCoy: WHAT!
(Mr. Spock comes onto the Bridge, his skin is bright pink and he is sweating and shivering)
Captain Kirk: Spock what's wrong with you, you seem ill. Shouldn't you be in the infirmary.
Mr. Spock: That would not be logical Captain. I am not ill.
Dr. McCoy: Don't tell me you're not ill you pointy eared retard.
Mr. Spock: It's not an illness Doctor. I am afraid it is that time that many Vulcans experience sometime during their life. It is when a man begins to feel that he has to bond with another man in the most intimate of ways. It is the time of Rupaul....