Joey Gallo's Lament

The two cops had brought out Little Joe in handcuffs and went to put him in the patrol car. Joe the plumber came tearing out of the door in his stained wifebeater and work pants. Barefoot and grimy he was the picture of surprised indignation.

“What the fuck are you doing Flynn? Get your fuckin hands offa my kid. Who the fuck do you think you are you stoopid Mick Fuck?” My Da stepped between them. “Calm down Joe. You don’t want to get locked up too. Let’s find out what it is all about.” He positioned him between Joe and the cops.

“So Paddy what’s the story here?” “I don’t have a choice here Mike. The kid was peeping in the window of this lady here. He was on the roof and she claims she was taking a bath and heard someone walking around.  We caught him on the fire escape. So she called in and we found the kid on the roof. Caught him red handed so to speak.”

“Is that true Joey” my Da asked. He was still struggling to hold back Joe the Plumber who was wrapped in the arms of Nicky’s Dad who was keeping him from a felony charge.

“No it’s a lie. I just went on the roof to get the ball that went up there. I swear. Besides why would I want to look at a scrawny ugly cunt like this who-a” sputtered the Junior jerkoff. He had all the humility of his Dad and none of his charm. His father had no charm at all.

That brought a shriek from Mrs. Golden who was standing in the doorway. She looked wet and fresh from the bath. No matter how much she scrubbed she still seemed to be a dirty girl. She was a tiny scrawny woman with bad skin that looked like it had been abused by both sunlight and drink. A soiled bathrobe enveloped her as she shouted at the crowd.

“Fuck you……you miserable fucking shit. Your pervert son was looking at me in the bathtub and I am pressing charges. I demand you take him to jail or I will sue you and the city and every other one of you useless loser men.” Her face was red and a cord stood out in her neck as she flecked spittle at the cops. "I am a fuckin law professor and I know every fuckin judge in this city. Don't fuck with me. Take this fucker into custody or I will have your fuckin badges." Her son Jacob hid behind me. Fear and embarrassment warred for pride of place. We all closed around him in an instinctive unarticulated gesture of support. Everybody hated his Mom. Everybody. Even him.

“WHAT THE FUCK! YOU ARE LISTENING TO THIS DIPPY CUNT!” Joe the Plumber was losing it. “She had to be drunk. Look at that skinny fuckin who-a. Who the fuck would want to look at her? You might as well look at a fuckin broomstick for fucks sake.”

Flynn shook his head. “You see what I am dealing with here Mike. I have to take the kid into the house.” He lowered his voice and whispered. “I won’t process him until you have a chance to come down to talk with your cousin. He will have to sign off on it anyway.” “Fair enough Paddy I will cool this down.” My Da leaned in and spoke in a low voice "I will see tonight at the Knights and I will straighten you out." "Thanks Mike."

My Da turned around and grabbed Joe the Plumber by one arm and Nicky’s Dad took the other. They picked him up and half carried him in a bums rush away from the ruckus.

“Hold on Joe." They walked a little bit down the block as we followed listening. " Paddy is not going to book him right off the back. We can go down and talk to my cousin. We might be able to straighten all this out.” Joe stopped struggling for a second. He went rigid and then calmed right down. “So the fix is in. Thanks Mikey. I will owe you one. You fix this and no rent this month.” “Ah well we will see about that Joe. Let’s just try to keep your kid out of the hoosegow if we can. No go upstairs and get changed. You can come with me to the cop shop. Oh and bring some cash. I have a feeling we might need it.” “Like that is it. Fuck. You Mick bastards are all greedy fucks. Forget about what I said about the free rent.” “I forgot about it as soon as you said it Joe. Just go and get changed. Let me tell my wife where we are going and then we will walk down to Union St.” “Fuck that. We will take the car.”

“Holy shit” said Frankie Bags. “He is going to move the Country Squire from the spot in front of building. This is fucking serious.” We watched as the cops put Little Joe in the squad car and drove away down the street. “Of course it is serious numbnuts” lisped Bonnie. She had recently lost a tooth and all her “s” were overly sibilant if you please. “They are taking him to the pokey for fooks sake.”

“Jacoooob” shouted Mrs. Golden from the top of her stoop. “Get away from those little bastards and come inside. NOW!” “Sorry guys” said little Jake as he walked warily into his area gate and into his house. His mother pushed him when he got to the top of the steps and slammed the door behind her. It brought a burst of indignation from the mothers who were watching the show.  She was called a whore in several different dialects.

“Shut up One-ball when I want a coozes opinion I would ask you” said Frankie. Bonnie saw red. I thought she was going to haul off and sock him one. Joey Bags and I interposed ourselves betweeen them. As usual we had to make peace. “I wonder what my Da is going to do.” “You know what he is going to do” said Joey Bags in his quiet serious way. He was the opposite of his brother in just about every way. “He is gonna get your cousin the detective to fix it. That’s how it works. You know that.” 

My Da and Joe the plumber came out of the house. Da looked around and saw me. He beckoned me over and said “Get in the car Mikey. You are going to come with us.”

Holy shit on a shingle. I get to ride in the Country Squire. And go to the precinct. My friends all looked at me in disbelief. Not a little awe. I just looked at them with an Aw shit expression. What was this all about?

 

I got in the back seat of the station wagon and me Da shut the door very gently. He got in the shotgun seat and Joe pulled away from the curb in a rush scattering on lookers and passerby’s alike. Da turned around and looked at me over the vinyl bench seat. “Listen Mikey this is important. When we get to the cops we are going to talk to Cousin Mick. You are going to tell him that you asked Joey to go on the roof to get the ball. Do you understand?” “I understand but that would be a lie. He never talks to us. In fact he is always beating us up and chasing us.” “I’ll fix the little shit” growled Joe the Plumber from behind the wheel. “He will never do any shit like that again if I have to break his fuckin head. Doncha worry kid. I owe you one.” “Listen Mikey your Cousin Mick will believe you. Or at least use it as an excuse to spring Little Joe so he doesn’t get a record. A sex rap will dog him for the rest of his life. So a little white lie will be just enough to make it look good.” “That miserable shit. Wait until I get my fuckin hands on him. He won’t be fuckin peeping the fuck.” Joe was squeezing the steering wheel so hard it was a wonder that it didn’t break off. “Wait till you get home Joe” Da said. “Let’s get him out of jug first.” 

Joe pulled up Union and found a spot right across the street.  We got out of the car and walked toward the precinct. Cousin Mick was standing on the stoop talking to his partner Ryan. They turned and looked at us as we trooped up the four short steps to the doorway. 

“Well look at what we have her. The family has come to visit. Michael. And young Michael. To what do I owe this honor” said Cousin Mick.  He smiled a smile that did not reach his eyes. His partner didn’t say anything. He just stood there. Short fat and foreboding. He cracked his scarred knuckles. He scared me.

 

“Need to converse a bit Mick. This is my landlord Joe Grimaldi. I think you have his son inside. I would like to talk to you about it.” “I see” said Cousin Mick. “I would imagine so. Well come on let’s go inside and stop making a spectacle of ourselves here on the street. Ryan you stay here and keep an eye on those boyo’s across the street.” 

I looked across the street. Oh shit. Joey Gallo and Bobby B were standing there. Fuck. This is bad. He saw me with my cousin going into the cop shop. I am in a lot of trouble.