The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. It appears that some not so wonderful things have commenced at this soiree of insalubrious sycophants.

It seems that Lady Chatterley has been quite ill as she has been bitten by a rabid insipid wombat. The wombat seems to have taken over the entire salon as it dominates every interaction and conversation that takes place in this den of intellectual inequity with its fearsome teeth and overpowering odor. The reaction to the bite of the insipid wombat causes the victim to become flaccid and  turgid in social intercourse. This malaise has affected all of the members of the salon except for Lady Chatterley's consort whose natural state is that of one who is flaccid and unresponsive. It is past understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest these attacks but is seems that she feels this rabid and disgusting wombat is attractive in some way that escapes the understanding of  normal human understanding. Since Lady Chatterley was formerly presumed to be the locus of all drama in her demented salon it is past understanding why this wombat reign of terror is tolerated. Perhaps the Dear Lady's attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally have fallen into the senile dementia which lurks so close to the surface in many of her attempts at social intercourse.

With your permission I will endeavor to keep you informed since you have expressed a passing interest in these matters. Your keen insights into the demented behavior of lunatics such as these would be most appreciated by the Yard..

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson. Please give my best to your brother Mycroft and my hope that he will soon recover from his unfortunate injury. I think it was perfectly plausible that the tusk of the narwhal had fallen off the wall of the club and bounced up and lodged itself in his fundament. It perfectly logical and understandable as was the fact that the unfortunate footman James was naked when the help arrived as he did not want to get any blood or feces on his uniform. It was a splendid act by your brother to get him a job as a footman at Downton Abbey. The only anomaly in the whole matter is that  I must say that I  have always assumed the Mycroft would be an aficionado of the Sperm Whale.

In any event give him my regards and my hopes for a full recovery..

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899