(Lucifer strides into Hell in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt
smoking a cigar and scratching his balls. He does that a lot. That's why they
call him old sratch)
Lucifer: How the fuck are you Forcas? Aah who the fuck am I kidding I don't give a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work.
Lucifer: How the fuck are you Forcas? Aah who the fuck am I kidding I don't give a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work.
Forcas Did you enjoy your cruise on the River Styx my
Dread Lord?
Lucifer: Yeah it was kind of cool. I had Katherine
Hepburn there dressed up like she was on the African Queen to french me while
we were drifting. Whitney Houston sang and Fred Astaire danced and Lenny Bruce
told some jokes. And shot smack. It
was just like the old days.
Forcas: Well we have several new candidates you can
choose from. There is a former star of the Odd Couple
Lucifer: What that basset hound face motherfucker Walter Matthau is finally here? Wait a minute. I thought he was already dead?
Lucifer: What that basset hound face motherfucker Walter Matthau is finally here? Wait a minute. I thought he was already dead?
Forcas: Yes he is sire, I mean Jack Klugman from the TV
show.
Lucifer: Oh that poor simple fuck. I can't torture him.
He was married to Brett Summers and that is pain enough for any man. Let him
hang out in the semi-famous actor wing with Sal Mineo and Basil Rathbone. I
will find something for him to do. Who else have you got.
Forcas: Well we have Charles Durning and Ravi Shanker.
Lucifer: Please not that whining Indian shit! Although I would bang his daughter. I mean I have banged his daughter when I possessed the body of Tommy Mattola. And I hate scenery chewers like During. Send him to the WW2 wing where he will have
Forcas: Well we have Charles Durning and Ravi Shanker.
Lucifer: Please not that whining Indian shit! Although I would bang his daughter. I mean I have banged his daughter when I possessed the body of Tommy Mattola. And I hate scenery chewers like During. Send him to the WW2 wing where he will have
to cook rice balls for Japs. Who else you got?
Forcas: Well we have former Baltimore Orioles manager
Earl Weaver.
Lucifer: WHAT? HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT FUCK! SEND HIM DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!
Earl Weaver: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas , he blearily rolls over as he had crushed the can of Bud and the cigarette he was holding) What the fuck...where am I?
Lucifer: You are in Hell Earl! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell all the times the Yankees beat your sorry ass. I mean you one a few but that was only when I was helping you. You see the Big Guy is a big Yankee fan and I can only pull some shit
Lucifer: WHAT? HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT FUCK! SEND HIM DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!
Earl Weaver: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas , he blearily rolls over as he had crushed the can of Bud and the cigarette he was holding) What the fuck...where am I?
Lucifer: You are in Hell Earl! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell all the times the Yankees beat your sorry ass. I mean you one a few but that was only when I was helping you. You see the Big Guy is a big Yankee fan and I can only pull some shit
when he is not paying attention. That's the only reason
why you ever got to win anything.
Earl Weaver: How the fuck did I end up in Hell?
Earl Weaver: How the fuck did I end up in Hell?
Lucifer: Oh this where all the Orioles and Red Sox and
Mets and Detroit Tigers end up. I am
expecting a bunch of California Angels and Arizona Diamondbacks real soon.
Can't wait till fucking Randy Johnson gets here. He is really gonna help the
team when we play heaven.
Earl Weaver: What you play Heaven in a baseball game?
Lucifer: Oh yeah every year we play the Mayor Bloomberg
Trophy Game. Named after one of my favorite mayors. You can coach. John McGraw
is the third base coach but Cap Anson is managing. It will be way cool. Forcas
escort Earl to the bullpen.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Earl away and dump in a pit where is immediately raped by Tom Bullwinkle and Bob Love former Chicago Bulls) I thought you liked him sire.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Earl away and dump in a pit where is immediately raped by Tom Bullwinkle and Bob Love former Chicago Bulls) I thought you liked him sire.
Lucifer: Oh I do. But this is Hell after all. Let him
suffer a little. Hey let me show you some photos of when I went snorkling.
Forcas: (mutters under his breath) Oh yes this is Hell
allright.
Lucifer: Did you say something Forcas?
Forcas: I was just saying how much I like you bathing
suit. Is that a pinneapple?
Lucifer: Why yes it is.
I love it! Hell is a lot of fun. I am glad I am back!
33 comments:
...in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking a cigar and scratching his balls.
He'd fit in here, wouldn't he?
Earl belongs in hell for sending Eddie Murray up to bat with 2 out in the bottom of the 9th in the final game of the '79 Series, if memory serves. Murray, that big haired fool had gone 0 for 26 in the Series so far, and true to his very useless nature, ended up striking out and going 0 for 27 and the O's lost. That was the worst piece of managing I ever saw and and I never liked the Orioles nor Weaver from then on. They still suck.
I can't believe I found out about this here!
Now Stan Musial, too.
Not Stan the Man! Dang, he was 10 years older than Earl "Yer outta here" Weaver.
RIP, Stan, you were indeed the man.
They always talk about what hard work it is to be a manager, but from where I sat watching scandalously too much baseball when I should have been improving myself, guys like Earl Weaver and Don Zimmer had it easy. I mean like they hardly ever even stood up, just sat there in the one position in the dugout, occasionally making the hand gesture that put a coach or player into motion. Okay, so in a 2 1/2 or 3 hour game they had 1 or 2 significant decisions to make. The rest of the time they were at rest, physically and mentally. Wow, it was exhausting just to type up those not so deep thoughts. But then I'm not in decision making shape.
True story: my introduction to big league ball was at Ebbets Field, Dodgers vs Cards. This was in '53 and I was 9, which tells you that I'm 39 today, but the Cards were of course led by Musial and the Dodgers, well the Dodgers of the early fifties were one of the great teams, period. As usual Musial's bat accounted for all or almost all of the Cardinal runs, a homer with men on and a run scoring double if I remember correctly and in the bottom of the ninth the Cards led 4 - 2. The Dodgers managed to get two men on with two out and then Gil Hodges hit a line drive home run into the left field stands and that was it, a classic come from behind win. I was there with my cousin Michael, a big burly guy who kept screaming in my ear and between that and the general uproar that didn't let up from the start of the game I developed a splitting headache. So that was my introduction to big league at the ballpark baseball, a classic ninth inning come from behind win and a headache.
Not bad, Ricpic, and it's nice to know that someone around here is more superannuated than I am.
First game I saw was a twinight double header at the old Memorial park in Baltimore in 1961 - the Y*nkees were in town, which means I got to see Maris, Mantle and Berra all out on the field. I remember very little about the games themselves, save the towering enormity of fly balls - damn, those things went up and took forever to come down, and every time either Maris or Mantle came to the plate it seemed the entire crowd leaned forward in expectation of a home run. I don't think either of them hit one, but I am going to assume that nonetheless the Y*nks won both games and the Orioles sucked, which is their default position.
I went back to that park a couple of more times, but was glad when Camden Yards was built - that was a much nicer neighborhood. Saw more games in the '80s and '90s, then moved to Durham, where I became a Durham Bulls fan.
Their old place, where Bull Durham was filmed was a fun park to go to - you could literally lean over the railing and talk to the players - they were no more than a couple of feet away. Well, you could talk to them if you spoke Spanish, that is. Haven't been to a game in years - I am over it by now. Got things to do. I am busier than Earl Weaver in a pit, just sayin'...
ricpic, I just read a bio of Gil Hodges. it wass pretty good. The recent bio of Stan the Man is better. Stan was a good man a a great ballplayer.
Earl Weaver was a great manager.
The guy who belongs in hell is whoever designed the cap Weaver's wearing in the pic.
Earl Weaver should not be in hell.
He was an awesome manager.
Take this back.
Here we go Patriots, Here We Go!
Rooting for the Ravens because I think their name is quite Edgar Allen Poetic.
Also, I don't like New England because Boston is so soft on America, even though they led the 1st revolution.
I mean, a New England victory in the Superbowl would mean a vindication of Elizabeth Warren.
We lost, they sucked and the Ravens were good. It is sitll a very blue state Super Bowl though and for that I am grateful.
Go 49ers.
Many red states don't have professional sports teams and that is just sad.
tits.
How do they determine which cities/states get pro sports teams?
North Carolina is fairly populous but doesn't have a professional basketball or baseball team....why?
North Carolina is fairly populous but doesn't have a professional basketball or baseball team....why?
The answer seems obvious to me and I'm not even a sports guy. I'll let others answer.
NC has 3 semi-pro basketball teams:
Duke, UNC, and the Bobcats
Anyone seen Tim Burnett recently? He's disappeared, it seems.
Titus, you live near where Tim lives. How about knocking on his door to ask whether he's okay?
Tim popped up in the most recent Deep Thoughts thread.
Carolina used to have the Hornets. We have the ACC. That's all the basketball anyone needs. The NBA couldn't compete with it, so they left.
I can see why Charlotte has trouble keeping its NBA teams when the people there don't even know they have one.
Who are these Bobcats of which you speak?
Looks like a law degree from University of Wisconsin isn't a sure road to success. Heh.
A man who wore a three-dimensional Bucky Badger hat...
Wow! A 3-D hat!
Awesome!!
Who are these Bobcats of which you speak?
Hey. They've gotta be at at least as well known as the Brooklynettes.
Okay, I had to have Google help me out on that one. The Nets suck, so I'm guessing their cheer squad does, too. I went back and googled Brook Lynette and got a much more interesting hit.
3-D hats...I'm fairly certain all of my hats are 3-D...otherwise they're sort of like scarves instead of hats, right?
Apparently some cheeseheads are pretty thinly sliced.
I was talking to my son the other day and mentioned that I had never met anyone from Wisconsin with a lick of sense. Does Wisconsin deport its idiots or do the smartest ones flee? If the former is true, then maybe it isn't that bad of a place. If it's the latter, God help them, because there are some butt ugly stooooopid people running the place.
I once knew a guy who was so dumb that when he moved from Mississippi to Wisconsin, he raised the average IQ in both states.
Michael Haz said...
Looks like a law degree from University of Wisconsin isn't a sure road to success. Heh.
$250k in student debt? They should outlaw such predatory lending.
I'm from Wisconsin and left when I was 17-every friend I had from Drum Corps left.
My classmates from High School I believe mainly stayed.
My sisters stayed too.
I wanted to live in a large city and by the ocean.
A great Earl Weaver obit.
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