Well I got a reply about the bio and they sort of butchered it. I think they give this duty to interns because all the muck-y-mucks are too busy so some kid who only writes texts is the one who composes press releases. Here is what they sent to me:
JIM DOLAN – The HUSBAND/BUSINESS PARTNER
Jim Dolan is Lisa’s husband and business partner in Lee Lee’s Valise. Also born and raised in Carroll Gardens, Jim
has never lived more than a mile from where he was born. Jim spent thirty-five years as an accountant
doing the books for all the small businesses in the neighborhood. And when the shop on the corner of President
and Court St. in the neighborhood became available, his dream was to open a
bar. But Lisa had other plans. And more than anything, Jim wants to Imake
Lisa’s dreams come true. So as he likes
to say, instead of getting a bar, he got into women’s clothes.
In the shop, Jim does the books, handles online
sales, and tries to keep Lisa on a budget.
He’s currently figuring out how to expand the business and open a new
store, so he can continue to make Lisa’s dreams come true.
I had to give them a gentle correction. I don't think it is such a great idea to start every sentance with "And" or "So" and so I just reworked it as follows:
Jim Dolan is Lisa’s husband and business partner in Lee Lee’s Valise. Born and raised in Carroll Gardens, Jim has
never lived more than a mile from where he was born. Jim worked for thirty-five years as an
accountant doing the books for most of the small businesses in the
neighborhood. When the shop on the
corner of President and Court St. became available, he wanted to live his
dream which was to open a bar. But Lisa had other plans and other dreams and
more than anything, Jim wants to make Lisa’s dreams come true. So instead of getting a bar, he got into
women’s clothes.
Jim does the books, handles online sales, and
tries to keep Lisa on a budget. He’s
currently figuring out how to expand the business and open a new store, so he
can continue to make Lisa’s dreams come true.
I had to work with what they gave me so I hope they use this instead of giving it to some hipster who will put it into the form of a tweet.
9 comments:
J.K. Rowling writes better than that.
A bowling ball writes better than that.
J.K Rowling can write a sentence. Whoever wrote that first draft can't write. Trooper, don't let them fuck it up. A friggin fifth grader could do better.
Even a cow.
Rewrite III --
Some day, Jim Dolan is going to open a fucking bar where this dress shop is.
AllenS, rewriter.
Oh, people get soooo pissy when you correct their corrections.
I had a chapter in one book an editor just brutalized with his "corrections". Keep in mind, I wrote technical books, so you'd better well know your shit if you're going to change things around.
I think I just re-submitted the original chapter again.
Still prefer the original bio submitted as it's more fun to read and figure out, but the gentle corrections on this one make a difference.
It's so true that people get pissy when you rewrite their prose.
I wanted to do it to the lines they are having us say today but I can't. I have to be a good german and not say anything
Everybody becomes freakin' Hemmingway when you put a word processor in front of 'em.
Which really messes with ME being freakin' Hemmingway!
Yep the first one's pretty bad. I'm reminded of the first grade: "Run, Spot, Run".
But what do I know? Dammit Jim, I'm a reader not a writer.
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