Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag



My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. This curious case has dragged on and on. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However new developments lead me to believe that we can finally put this unfortunate business behind us so we might concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in my prior missives, I or my agents have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were. But not a peep from anyone for lo these many months. It appears that a new favorite has arisen and no one is concerned about Lord Douchebag or his fate any longer.

Inspector Gregson had informally visited the salon over the past few months to see if he might develop some leads. Or at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his visits because of some strange friendships he had struck up with some of the rather scruffy denizens of this talking shop. He first struck up a deep and abiding friendship with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his interests in exotic spaniels, sodomy, coprophilia and defecation. But as you now know his new friend had spurned him due to his burgeoning relationship with a sepoy who had recently been detailed to Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This has led to some violent disagreements and words of rancor that are most unseemly for a professional of Inspector Gregson sterling character. Inspector Gregson has fallen into a deep well of melancholia to the point that he refuses to leave his apartment when not attending to his duties and listens to show tunes on his gramophone while imbibe large quantities of sherry. He has been purchases large numbers of bananas and cucumbers which I must presume have become the staples of his diet. It seems most unhealthy but I do not question him because I subsist on a steady diet of shephards pie and porter.

Inspector Gregson did report that the salon of Lady Chatterley has utterly changed character in the recent months. She has a new favorite upon whom she has showered her somewhat bovine regard. This new favorite speaks in a jargon not normally heard in polite society in this our blessed isle. It is an arcane and rhythmic argot not normally found outside the confines of Bedlam. Although it often contains vague threats and anti-social sputtering Lady Chatterley finds most amusing and satisfying. She has scorned and belittled some of most loyal correspondents who deigned to protest the calumneries and insults that this new jackanapes has spewed on the other members of her rapidly deteriorating Salon. Inspector Gregson had begun a correspondence with this strange character who signs all of his missives with a single letter as his mysterious sobriquet. However his insane rants and vicious prejudices are such that Inspector Gregson now destroys his correspondence without deigning opening them. Yet still he persists in his folly that gets such a positive response from Lady Chatterley.

Many of Lord Douchebags strongest partisans have given up the search and in fact have separated themselves from Lady Chatterley and her gardening consort. However a new motley group of sycophants and toadies have conspired to fill the ranks of the maladjusted acolytes of this round robin of idiocy. It seems this new correspondence with the single letter signature has usurped Lord Douchebags position as Court Jester and is now the Beau Ideal of this group of nattering nincompoops. We can in fact state that the empirical evidence is clear that a new Lord Douchebag has arrived and claimed his throne as the biggest and most complete Douchebag to be found here in our beloved Albion.

So perhaps it is time to close the file on Lord Douchebag and his mysterious disappearance since no one seems to care anymore. And futher visits to this salon would not prove salaburious to ones mental health if the example of Inspector Gregson is indeed meant to be a caution to us all.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I must tell you that I have purchased another one of his etchings for Inspector Gregson to cheer him up and to get him to return to polite society. He much enamored of your brother's techniques and continues to express his appreciation of them to me every day although I do not see why he would treasure these etchings so much. But I venture to presume that I am not as enamored of representations of half naked school boys being punished by their headmasters. My taste runs more to watercolors of lilies.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899

57 comments:

The Dude said...

All right, Troop, who really wrote that - the words are not misspelled. Talk about baffling!

chickelit said...

Do you still feud with dead blog commenters?

Just ask'n

chickelit said...

The reason I ask is because I was rereading Theo Boehme's memorial post from last January and you mentioned that you did.

chickelit said...

However his insane rants and vicious prejudices are such that Inspector Gregson now destroys his correspondence with opening them.

I think he meant "without" not "with." Otherwise as Sixty noted, it's perfect.

chickelit said...

Wait: He has been purchases large numbers of bananas and cucumbers which I must presume have become the staples of his diet is another Trooper tell.

The Dude said...

Thank goodness someone is reading this closely - my eyes glazed over at "conversationalist" and "dilettante", not to mention "melancholia".

Damn the typos, full speed ahead!

Titus said...

This is really well written but I find it very homophonic.

chickelit said...

Titus said...
This is really well written but I find it very homophonic.

I don't think it sounded gay at all...what are you talking about?

Trooper York said...

I never give up a real feud with my real enemies.

That is why I am still mixing it up with Tony Conigliaro.

Trooper York said...

Titus just doesn't like all this cucumber talk.

Fred4Pres said...

Well after this, we can probably figure out why Holmes got into opium. Whisky was just not going to cut it.

Titus said...

I believe there is too much gay stuff in the world today.

There is some gay references in this post.

Everything is gay.

TV, Anderson Cooper, Mike Piazza, brunch.

It's just too much.

ricpic said...

I can't keep up with any of this stuff. As a corollary I'm finally coming around to the adsmission that I'm not all that bright. Oh, I've known for years that I couldn't keep up with the clever dicks but amour propre always kept me from admitting that I'm not too bright. Because believe me a vocabulary that includes corollary and amour propre has nothing at all to do with smarts. All it means is that you either were raised in a certain milieu, there's another one, milieu, or you plowed through many too many books in your yute or both. Where was I? No, knowing you're not too bright is as nothing compared to admitting it. I mean not to others who don't count in any case but to yourself. It's a big step. And then what? Maybe best of all is if Troop finally loses opatience with my pathetic self-indulgence and bans me from his site. One can only hope...

ricpic said...

Ban the gays!

Titus said...

Wolves, Bears, Tigers, Lions, Cougars, Monkeys, were roaming all over Ohio today.

Tits.

Titus said...

There is no hope Ricpic.

Hope is for libtards and Obama.

chickelit said...

Everything is gay.


Even Nietzsche (who went mental in the gay 90's) wrote a book about gay science. NTTAWWT

chickelit said...

ricpic said...
...I'm finally coming around to the adsmission that I'm not all that bright.

How do you explain your penchant for poesy then?

ricpic said...

Poesy is just cleverness not smarts like chemicobiologophysicos have.

chickelit said...

...her somewhat bovine regard.

Is that supposed to be more flattering than porcine, ovine, equine, feline, ursine, taurine, vulpine or canine?

chickelit said...

Perhaps you're just klug, ricpic

Trooper York said...

You put your finger on my favorite phrase in the whole story.

Hee.

chickelit said...

Titus said...
Wolves, Bears, Tigers, Lions, Cougars, Monkeys, were roaming all over Ohio today.

Zoo jail-break?

chickelit said...

How could I have forgotten galline in my list.

chickelit said...

You put your finger on my favorite phrase in the whole story.

Oh I just realized the double entendre, given that the story is partially set in America's Diaryland.

I'm Full of Soup said...

I know a few lawyers. If we gave them Bissage's picture and his USDA region#, I wonder if they could figure out who he was.

I'm Full of Soup said...

Btw Trooper. this may have been your best Inspector skit ever.

ricpic said...

klug better be a compliment, as in Aaron Klug, the chemobiophysico genius, according to wikipedia at least. But it sounds more like the heavier than lead tsimmis.

chickelit said...

klug better be a compliment...

It is! I'll bet you can find yourself in the list of adjectives.

ricpic said...

Lake Wobegon, where all the kinder are klugger than average.

chickelit said...

I just realized that Jack Klugman is still alive.

Titus said...

My perception is that Ricpic would be much happier if he got his hog sucked.

A hog sucking can do wonders for your outlook and esteem.

It can really be any hole.

Just so he can empty his load.

chickelit said...

@Titus: Here's a photo of a hog sucking which I'm sure you've seen before somewhere in your seasoned life and which I know you won't be able to resist clicking on: link

Fred4Pres said...

chickenlittle.

tits. 8 to 14 of them!

chickelit said...

@Fred: A regular sucklefest!

Fred4Pres said...

Lady Chatterley and her gardening consort are free to tend the salon and garden as they deem fit. And we are free to participate or not. I also find the masterbations of their jackanapes dissettling.

KCFleming said...

Well done, Troop.

Me, I'm around less and less. I don't get the J thing either.

One thread got a bajillion deletions, yours and mine included, for being boring I guess. But his threats and insults remain.

I miss seeing you there because you always make me laugh, and i don't laugh much these days.

I never understood 'Modern Art' in the first place.

Fred4Pres said...

Pogo, it makes no sense at all. I like Ann and Meade, but they can't delete attacks like that? It is insulting but also borning. Why bother.

Trooper York said...

Hey Pogo long time no see.

You know you are always welcome here.

We try to keep the yuks coming.

Trooper York said...

I have been having this debate with them for a long time. But it has never been this bad. Or frankly this dangerous. This fellow doesn't seem right in the head. I notice if I am not there he does not come here. I don't know if that is what he had in mind. Maybe so. But if it is...then they are playing right into his hands.

As Fred has said it is just not worth it. It is indeed very boring.

And if there is one thing I hate it is boring.

TTBurnett said...

El grillo è buon cantore....

The annoying chirping everyone's complaining about doesn't come from a crazy cricket, but a psychology teacher. Insects usually shut up in the cold winter. But in this case, you'll just have to wait for summer when school is out.

But if you want to hear a little 500-year-old chirp-inspired music that's much easier on the nerves, just click on the link.

Titus said...

I just pinched a really smelly loaf.

Do you know if you drink grape juice your loaf is darker than normal?

Dark Loaf.

Titus said...

Grape Juice is sparkly.

I love sparkles.

Fred4Pres said...

Pogo, say hi to Lem, deborah, dicentra, freeman, allen, and the remaining sane ones over there.

Fred4Pres said...

Palladian, etc., etc.

ndspinelli said...

Titus, Grape juice should not be sparkly..someones trying to poison you!!

chickelit said...

And if there is one thing I hate it is boring.

Amen, Troop.

TTBurnett said...

Actually, there is a pretty good discussion of literature in general "over there," occasioned by Jeanette Winterson's article in the Guardian about the state of the Booker Prize. Some very good, solid points all around by obviously well-read people. I'm always partial to Synova's observations, but there are many other excellent ones, as well.

Then there are the others.

And away from the action, alone in the grass, like some rotten little insect in its death agony, chirps J.

Fred4Pres said...

Synova, dust bunny queen, etc. Please do not feel slighted if I left you out.

chickelit said...

@Titus: Dark Loaf = Schwartzbrot

KCFleming said...

Will do, Fred.

Fred4Pres said...

I posted a few comments at Crack's place but they did not come up. But it looks like there has not been a lot of activity over there recently so maybe he is out of town.

Fred4Pres said...

Thanks Pogo.

MamaM said...

Grape juice usually needs a good sit before it starts to sparkle. Plus the wild animals described by the King of Gross Exaggeration yesterday as roaming all over Ohio weren't.

Which leads MamaM to believe the loaves pinched were probably mushier and less pungent than described. More like cornbread than shwartzbrot.

But a thread covering Missing Sparkle, Wild Animals
and Dark Stinky Loaves hits the main points.

deborah said...

Keep him honest, MamaM.

Hi yerself, Fred:)

Trooper York said...

J you are not welcome here. All of your posts will be deleted. Please take your talents over to Althouse as she values your wit and sensibitlity over me and other valuable and frequent commentors.

Please do not come back. You are not welcome here.

chickelit said...

Fuck J and hoss he rode in on.