Rock Lobster

Rock the best Halloween costume ever!

A reprise from last year.

Remember to vote for your favorite pumpkins!

The one that fills your hands the best. So to speak.

Oh and Happy Halloween!

Are you dressing up this Halloween?

We are having a Halloween party down in Florida and we are wearing costumes and everything.

I am going as Elvis.

It's not much of a stretch. So to speak.

Hell Needs A New PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord? I know that there are several new candidates.
Lucifer: Sure that sounds like fun. But don't bring out that Wacky Khadafy shithead. Enough with the A-Rabs. They are always whining about the Jews and what not. I don't want to hear it. Without the hebes I would have to close up shop for crying out loud. They are the majority down here for fucks sake. Plus what the Fuck. I am Jewish after all.
Forcas: No I am sorry sire. I didn't mean to have him bother you. But he was very amusing even to a jaded demon such as myself. Especially when he was in drag. He looked like your Uncle Miltie.
Lucifer: Seriously Forcas you should know better than that. Uncle Miltie always freaks me out. Ever since we made the deal where he got the biggest sclong in the world and all the business success possible in the 1950's he has been busting my cojones. I can't even find a punishment. When I had Samson cornhole him he actually enjoyed it. I won't have as much trouble with a tortured soul until Titus shows up. Who else do you have to bring in to interview.
Forcas: We have the famous computer geek and businessman Steve Jobs.
Lucifer: Really. That's cool. It will still be a couple of years till Gates shows up. Send him in.
Steve Jobs: (tumbles through the trap door to fall in front of the throne of Lucifer) Oh Wow! Oh Wow! Oh Wow! Where am I?
Lucifer: You're in Hell shithead. Oh Wow indeed!
Steve Jobs: How did I end up in Hell? I was a good guy. I worked hard and gave a lot of people jobs and a good living.
Lucifer: Well of course you did. That's why you have to suffer the burning torments of Hell. Don't you know that is the official platform of the Democratic Party? Businessmen who create jobs go straight to Hell. Aren't you sorry you gave those commie pricks money instead of the Little Sisters of the Poor? You Shithead.Start reading douchenozzle!
Steve Jobs: Hello. ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! ALL THE TORTURED SOULS IN HELL!! I want to bring you the news. But first you will have to download the new application on your Mac's. If you have a PC you are out of luck. Now go to the operating system and write in this code hmtl.......ahhhhhhhhhhh(a trap door opens and he falls into the fiery pits of hell)
Lucifer: Jeez I forgot how much I hate those Apple fucks. That's why I made that deal with Gates. I can't wait till he show up. Let's go Forcas. I want to watch the game. I hear the Packers are playing. They are my team. The fuckers.

Do you have a bottlenose or are you just happy to see me?

It is very tough when you are working with Dolphins. And a lesbian dolphin is paticularly hard to work with. They don't like men for starters and are always trying to hurt them. They keep trying to put on birkenstock sandals when they don't have any feet. And they never want to wear make up.

So we had to get some back up fish. The most popular one was a young perky female called Squirty. Squirty was a whore. She would swim up to the men and present her fishy vagina to be serviced. Sort of like a Kardashian. All of the young boys on the show had their first sexual experinaces with Squirty. And all of the crew. And pretty much anyone who got into the water with her. Which turned out to be very important for the NFL. You see one of the investors in Ivan Tors studio was this guy named Joe Robbie. He always said Squirty was the best sexual experiance he ever had. You see her vagina would secret this fishy lube which squirt out whenever she got excited. Thats why they called her squirty.

He loved her so much that he named his expansion AFL football team after her. He wanted to call his team the Fishy Squirty Vaginas but Al Davis and Sonny Werblin convinced him to go with the "Miami Dolphins."

But you should realize that they were really the "Fishy Squirty Vaginas."
(Ivan Tors The E True Hollywood Story of Flipper)

You are what is wrong with America!

You dirty filthy Wicker trash. Sitting on porch's all over America. In back yards. In dens. In fancy hotels.Even in trailer parks where you really belong. You wickers trash are destroying America. People are sitting in you instead being out working and producing income we can tax.

And then you what happens?

People tear their pants on your filthy wicker bottoms you dirty trailer park wicker chairs. So the people can't go back to work and have to go home to change their pants.
It has nothing to do with over taxation and senseless government regulations. It is you dirty trailer park wicker chairs that are tearing out the bottoms of Americas gabardine trousers you filthy wicker trash!

And futhermore....err....what....of course this makes sense....what...ok I will take my pill....I will be right back to talk about Merman.

Vote for me.....Please......Sexy Pants!

"So why should I vote for you"

"I can make it worth your while? You must be lonely here on the frontier and all. Maybe you would like a little sugar?"

"I am not really interested. I tell you what. You can walk my rare clumber for a month. Oh and one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Let me try on your undies and your sexy pants."

"You are a freak aren't you."

"Who me? No I am a square. And very centered. In fact you can call me the center square."

Do you have a bottlenose or are you just happy to see me?

It was very hard to find a Dolphin to play Flipper. Because generally Dolphins are always hard. Most male Dolphins are rapists. They love to come up to humans and start humping away. Now some woman love that. When Pat Priest of the Munsters costar she just spread her legs and let the fish have his way and moaning about Uncle Herman or something. But most people weren't down with that. So we had to use Lady Dolphins. Plus most male dolphins had scars and stuff from fighting.

The main one was named Suzy. But a strange thing happened. She started rubbing up against the female costars and trying to stick her bottle nose right in her twat. Then we figured it out.

We had hired the only lesbian Dolphin in captivity.
(Ivan Tors The E True Hollywood Story of Flipper)

I hate when people are cruel to Dolphins....

But the Giants are gonna kill them.

Of course I have to be in Florida surrounded with Dolphin fans. Great.

Marilyn's Diary

I loved the time I spent at 13 13 Mockingbird Lane. The broken stairs. The collapsing frame. The pushed in gate. But most of all the overgrown foilage.

Some of my girlfriends were scared of our house and wouldn't ever come over for a visit. They said it looked like an abandoned spooky mansion. I didn't understand since they all went over to Weezy Jefferson house in Watts. Whatever.

You see my Uncle Herman loved over grown foilage. That is why he took away my Lady Gillete and told me never to trim. He loved when it was all bushy and overgrown and he got his big pork chop fingers all tangled up and had to push hard to get into my soft warm and wet cu....errrr.....anyway I love those overgrown bushes.

Just like my Uncle Herman.

Nancy Wilson, (My favorite singer) When October Goes

Now October is going. Let's have a better November.

You can vote all you want but stop staring at my wife's Tits!

Well my ex-wife's tits. Or my ex-tits. Or my ex-wife's old tits. Whatever.

Just stop staring or I will have to come over there and break an arrow in your ass.

One more time....this is for me!

Vote for me.....Please......Sexy Pants!

Sometimes you just have to be movin on up.....Just sayn'

Hey Chico don't be discouraged....

Who loves you baby?

Don't do the crime......

Up against the wall Samantha!

Show us why we should vote for you!

Some people are complaining about the photo you submitted for the poll.

So lets get perky shall we?

It's raining Alligators!

So while they are having a snowstorm in NYC in October we thought we would escape to Florida for some fun in the sun.

And it has done nothing but rain the whole time we were here.

No Pool. No beach. No going to the stores.

Just sitting in the house on the easy chair drinking beer.

(all those prayers to St Jude have worked)

So what do you think Tyrone?

I mean as RC said Jeanie has it goin' on. Just sayn'

It's not like this on the Pan Am show?

Have you ever been in the airport and while you are sitting at the gate and you see a crazy person walking back and forth talking to themselves and you just know that he is going to sit next to you?

Well that happened to me on the flight down to Florida on Jet Blue.

There was this short squat dude with a shaved head talking into his bluetooth and pacing back and forth at the gate. He is shouting about some business bullshit and acting like a tool. I just knew he would end up sitting next to me.

Now this guy had every electric device know to man. He sits down and puts two Red Bulls in the seat flap in front of him. After we have to shut off the phones he starts vibrating like he is going to explode. He had to periodically get up and pace the length of the plane. He was chewing tobacco. But the worst thing was he kept snorting and hacking up lugies that he must have been swallowing. I felt like I was in that fucking contagion movie for fucks sake. It was pretty disgusting.

It was loads of fun.

Fly the Friendly Sky. My fucking balls.

I have nothing to hide!

"I submitted a bad photo. I didn't mean to cover up. Vote for me. Early and often."

"I am the perkiest!"

Leaving on a Jet Plane!

Hey I am skipping town for a few days and I won't tell you where. So the posting might be a little delayed over the weekend.

I will just let you guess where we are going.

Oh and by the way......whose that girl?

She is Titus's fave!

Who is the perkiest?

So lets get down to the important matters. The hell with Occupy Wall Street, earthquakes, terrorists and the election.

Who has the perkiest tits?

Samantha Stephens of Bewitched.

Laura Petrie of Scarsdale

Wrangler Jane of F Troop

Jeanie of Cape Canaveral

Batgirl of Gotham City.

You pick the one ......or actually the two you like best.

Commenter Memories Number 109 Crack Emcee is Estatic

Because the Instapundit is going to link to him.

But that was just because he was reporting on a cult that worships Andie MacDowell.

Commenter Memories Number 108 Little Tommie gets a Halloween Costume

He got the idea from the guy who uses his computer.

Commenter Memories Number 106: Titus sends us a photo of him pinching a loaf

What's the big deal?

I mean thats all he talks about and it doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Whose that girl?

She is still smokin' so to speak.

And has been for forty years.

Whose that girl?

I hope that's the remote control in your hand young man?

"So you are enjoying watching the show. You are such a fine young bloke. I know Prudence would love to meet a fine young man such as you."

"What? You like my outfit? Normally I like transparent white shirts that outline my bra straps."

"Wait a minute young master! What are you doing there?"

"I hope that's the remote control in your hand young man!"

Marilyn's Diary

The whole family fell apart after Uncle Herman left us for his new wife Carol. Grandpa moved to Greenwich Village and started hanging around at this bar called the Stonewall. One day he bit this undercover cop and it started a whole hullabaloo. He became a celebrity and appeared on Midnight Blue all the time. He even met first Lady Laura Bush!

Little Eddie grew up and remained a pervert. He was a peeping tom and was always hiding in bushes and shrubs. This little horny perv developed an interest in horticulture and became a very well know gardener with his own company and everything. Of course when the Internet came in he became a stalker of many woman until he finally convinced one to marry him. She was a professor or something and you know they have no common sense. He still stalks and peeps and photos young girls. Especially those with poor hygiene. That's why he is always at protests and demonstrations because he loves to get a shot of a coed in a pee stained pair of jeans. It reminds him of how he used to peek at me in the toilet.

The worst of course was poor Aunt Lily. She was totally blindsided when Uncle Herman left her. She thought that when they got married it was till death do they part. Then they would find new parts and come back again and again. But nothing is forever and she was left to wander the rooms of the Munster Mansion all alone. She started growing weed and smoking it all day long. I couldn't take it and had to move out to start my own family. Aunt Lily remains there to this day. Surrounded with her cannabis plants and cobwebs. You can see her peeking out of her bushes when she sees people coming up the walk. But she never answers the door. She is a recluse. And it is really sad.

You see nobody wants to tend to her bush.

That's a very nice table you got there.....

So the ducks are keeping it under control. It is chained in the basement like the Count of Raymore and Flanigan. It ain't going nowhere.

Until you pay up.

Shouldn't a living room look lived in?

The wife has been going crazy lately. We were on hold for our big project so to take her mind off of it she decided to do some decorating.

First off she took our sofa and sent it out to get a new dress. Which is what she called it. You see the couch originally came from "Domain" which is some big shit furnishing joint. But it has lost it's fluff. Sort of like Titus at the end of the Halloween parade. So we sent it out to get new upholstery and new stuffing and down and the whole fuckin' works. Now I researched it and it was cheaper to do that because to replace it with a comparable worth piece would cost four times as much. You see it was solidly constructed and the bones of it were fine. The springs and the woodwork were as good as new so it just had to be tarted up. Of course we had to chose a red brocade uphostelry because we are using a turn of the century bordello motif.

I thought I had a photo of it but I don't. So I will post it later in this continuing series.

Then we got these wacky long frames that hold a bunch of pictures. Of course we had to take it to the fancy frame store to get matting to match the decor. Once you get married you learn about a lot of new shit. Pillows. Thread count. Matting. Scones. What the fuck? Why not spend more on the fabric in the frame than the cost of the whole fucking frame itself. It does look good. We are getting some of our favorite photos redone in black and white so it will look like Wegee put his work on the wall of the whorehouse that AL Capone owned on Boardwalk Empire!

Of course you can see the holiday decorations on the chandelier and the piano bench in the corner. And the purple settee that she also got so we could have a sort of conversation pit. The red couch has not made it into this photo but I will post one soon. The settee was very uncomfortable to sit on for a long time so it was moved from that spot.

There are a lot of details you can see if you click on the photo. One in particular I know that Titus would enjoy. But for you drunks out there you can see one of my three liquor cabinets catty corner next to the rolling bar. Lots of crystal and shit in there too.

The only thing that is really me is the Archie bunker chair that is set up in front of the TV. And if you look real close in the very bottom of the frame you might glimpse a white sock. That's me.

Because I think a living room should look like somebody was living in it. Just sayn'

That's a very nice table you have there....

It would be a shame if something happened to it.

Remembrance of things Pabst

So we went out of our comfort zone to visit a brand new steakhouse that is now one of my favorites. I had mentioned to ricpic that there are ten places that are better than Peter Lugers. The Old Homestead, Keens, Sparks and even Churrascaria Plataforma fit the bill but my new favorite is in Williamsburg too. It's called DeStefano's and it is great.

It is at the corner of Conselyea St and Leonard and you have to enter on the side street. You are walking into the 1950's. There is a miniscule wood paneled bar area where the owners mother greets you and gets you to your seat. It is very small, maybe twenty seats. She is kind of shy so on first acquaintance she doesn't say much. But you can talk to her and her son later when they are grabbing a smoke outside after the dining rush is over. This is old school. Red meat. Red wine. Tobacco. I'm home.

You check out the decor. One wall features old family photos of communions and family events. The other side has a portrait of grandpa and grandma and a saint (you can see the portrait and the saint on the mantle in the photo). I'm home!

There are a few innovations. They have an ipod but it plays Sinatra and dowoop and Bobby Darin and nothing before 1975. The decor is old school guinea and so is the eats. I'm home.

We had some great appetizers. The wife had Mozzarella De Crustino which was fresh mozzarella breaded and sauteed until tender served on top of a blend of wild mushrooms. I ordered Short Rib Rolls which were tender succulent beef, julienne carrots and chive mashed potatoes in a crisp, paper thin wrapper for the table. I also ordered the soup of the day which was potato bacon soup. Yes that's right. Potato soup. With Bacon. I'm home.

Then we ordered filet mignon which were butter soft and cooked to perfection. Where they beat the hell out of the very overrated Pete Lugers is the side dishes. Crispy cottage fries. A big family style platter of garlic mashed potatoes. And creamed corn. That's right fuckin creamed corn. Cooked in butter with a little hint of a sharp cheddar. Heaven on earth.

The deserts were ok as the chocolate mousse cake was rich and filling and the wine list had a lot of very affordable Tuscan and Sicilian wines.

We were with our good friends who are always so much fun and so easy to hang out with. It was a perfect way to start the week. Great food. Great Wine. Great friends. Great Conversation.

You enjoy that a lot more than hanging out with people who don't have anything good to say about anybody. Life is to short.

If you are ever in Williamsburg don't waste your time with Peter Lugers go to Destafano's.

You will be glad you did. It will feel just like home.

But she finds it hard to swallow!

TTBurnett said...
Dear Ann Curry,

If you come across this, I'm sure you're wondering just what is going on.

I'm not sure I can tell you. It's too much to explain quickly. But, as you might imagine, there's a backstory. Actually, there are a several backstories, some 5 or 6 years old.

What you have is a group of old online acquaintances, most of whom started out several years ago on another blog discussing law, politics and the arts. They are in places such as New York, Madison, Boston and San Diego, not to mention the pleasanter parts of Florida. They represent professionals in academia, law, science, business and, in fact, the arts.

You'd think such people would be above discussing turd texture, bodily fluids, sex acts, or making crude mockery of public figures such as yourself. I can't tell you exactly how we got here, but it seems if you spend enough time online, this sort of thing happens.

I want you to know I have been a long-time admirer of you and your work, and I want to publicly disassociate myself from these clowns.

I think you are one of the best, most hardworking, attractive and durable newspeople on television. You are one of the few media figures about whom I can honestly say your work makes the people you reach better for your efforts.

Sincerely,

TT Burnett

P.S.—Looks like Al Roker has gotten it much worse. I have nothing to do with that, either

Please be advised that Tim had nothing to do with this.

Also that we are very sorry that you are homeless.

All the best
Your Pal
Trooper York

WTF AL Roker?

What are you doing running for President?

Seriously?

WTF Al Roker?

WTF AL Roker?

The dog is supposed to lick you.

Seriously?

WTF AL Roker?

WTF AL Roker?

Is that really Titus and is that what a rare clumber looks like?

Seriously?

Wtf Al Roker?

WTF AL Roker?

I know that Meredith loves anal but that should be behind closed doors.

Seriously.

WTF AL Roker?

WTF AL Roker?

I mean seriously?

WTF?

But she finds it hard to swallow!

Fred4Pres said... I bet there are a few people out there who dream about cumin in Curry.

Sorry, I could not resist

Do not Molest an Alien

Thus says the LORD:"You shall not molest or oppress an alien,for you were once aliens yourselves in the land."

The worst guest starring roles in history?

Fred4Pres on Lois and Clark.

The worst guest starring roles in history?

Chickenlittle on Jacques Pépin's Holiday special.

The worst guest starring roles in history?

Ricpic on the Jersey Shore.

Don't get too excited Fred.

I hope that's the remote control in your hand young man?

"Why hello young Ron. How are things in Michigan? I hope your Tigers are doing well. Aren't you a little tiger? But why do you keep seeing me like this in your mind. You know I am usually wearing a tight leather body suit. Errrrrr.....maybe that would be worse."
"Wait one minute young sir. I hope that's a remote control in your hand young man."

One Adam 12: Possible Concealed Weapons!

"So Miss my partner and I have a report of someone on the boardwalk carrying concealed weapons."
"Well thats not me. I only have a couple of barely concealed weapons."
"So what's your name?"
"Snookie."
"I bet people are going to remember that name someday."
"I bet I can show you something you will remember for a long time officer."
"Ten four."

I hope that's the remote control in your hand young man?

"Well young Mister Spinelli I know you are a big fan of crime busters. And crime busters in bustiers. But what kind of dreams are you having. Why are you dreaming about me in this position. All the pictures in your head seem to involve handcuffs. This is not decent in a young boy like you."

"Holy Bat Pole! I hope thats a remote control in your hand young man!"

Did you ever get the feeling?

That Cedarford would be in a better mood if he just got a little pussy. So to speak.

Did you ever get the feeling?

That the government visited J's family and that kind of explains the whole thing. Just sayn'

Did you ever get the feeling?

That Carol Herman does not welcome people visiting her at home even though she likes to burst in and dominate the conversation.

Don't be knockin on her door. Just sayn'

Marilyn's Diary

I felt very sorry for my Aunt Lily after she got divorced from Uncle Herman when he married Carol. She was devastated because she didn't see it coming. But then she hadn't seen Uncle Herman coming for a long time that was a big part of the problem.

You see she didn't ever dress up for him. Uncle Herman loved to have you wear sexy outfits and Aunt Lily was always wearing these shapeless outfits with this stupid little hat. Although it was kind of strange because his new wife Carol only wore overalls, Birkenstock and a rather prominent mustache. She kind of looked like an uglier Junior Sample if that is possible.

I loved to dress up for Uncle Herman. He would buy me little outfits to model for him when everyone was out. Catholic school girl. French maid. Naughty Nurse. Funeral attendant. And of course his favorite was when I dressed as a birthday girl. In my birthday suit.

I have to say that I did see Uncle Herman coming. Early. And often.

If only Aunt Lily would have payed more attention. It would all of have different.