Monday, November 10, 2008

Don't know much about history!

The first wife of a president to campaign for her husband was Lucretia Garfield who campaigned for her husband James. It was considered vulgar and low class for women to engage in politics but Mrs. Garfield was a free spirit who delighted in mocking convention. This was because of her prior life in a geek show where she was a star performer because of the fact she had two vaginas. Young Colonel Garfield met her in New York when he was in charge of the troops that were sent to suppress the Draft Riots during the dark days of the civil war. They were introduced by Tom Thumb the world’s smallest man who owed a great debt to Lucretia as she had sheltered him in her vestigal vagina when he was trying to avoid an angry mob of rioters. Mrs. Garfield toured twenty states and was particularly popular in Wisconsin because of her love of cheese. The Garfield’s had a legendary love story that is much neglected today because of the fact the details are so outrĂ©. It of course ended tragically when President Garfield was assassinated by a disappointed orifice seeker.
(First Ladies on the Stump by Doris Kearns Goodwin, St. Martins Press).

The practice of wives campaigning fell out of fashion until it was revived by Ida McKinley who was sent out on the campaign trail by Mark Hanna the Karl Rove of his day. Mr. Hanna devised the “front porch campaign” where Governor McKinley rested on his porch and bantered once a day with reporters while surrogates went out to campaign among the masses. Ida McKinley loved to meet the people and enjoyed campaigning swings throughout most of the United States. The best part about these trips was the return sex she would get from the Governor who was a somewhat indolent man but was a great reader, scholar and a cunning linguist. In a strange twist of fate, President McKinley was also assassinated at the Pan-American World’s Fair in Buffalo, New York by an anarchist named Leon Czolgosz. The police of the day were very much in favor of profiling and were watching all immigrants with beards and more than six consonants in the their names but missed Mr. Czolgosz as he traveled under his mother’s maiden name of Nieman. In fact the last reported words of President McKinley when he expired on his deathbed was “Nieman.”
(First Ladies on the Stump by Doris Kearns Goodwin, St. Martins Press).

Since the practice of campaigning by a first lady had seemed to be so ill-fated, it fell from view until revived by the very courageous Eleanor Roosevelt who criss-crossed the country to campaign for her husband. Part of the reason for this change was the fact the Franklin Roosevelt was in fact disabled and they wanted to conceal that fact from the general public. Believe or not in his first campaign most American’s did not even know that he used a wheelchair. But the curious curse of campaigning wives continued when on February 15, 1933 lone gunman Giuseppe Zangara attempted to assassinate President elect Roosevelt at Bayfront Park in Miami, Florida. Fortunately his arm was jostled and his shot ended up hitting Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak who died from his wounds. Reportedly his last words to the President elect were "I told you to tell that bitch to shut up.”
(First Ladies on the Stump by Doris Kearns Goodwin, St. Martins Press).

Bess Truman did not campaign for her husband except for their joint whistle stop train tours where she did not speak. But none the less the curse of the campaigning wife did strike on November 1, 1950 when there was an assassination attempt at the Blair house where the first family was residing do to repairs and renovations at the White House. Machine gun wielding terrorist tried to fight their way in to kill President Truman but were foiled by a heroic guard who gave his life in defense of the President. It was later discovered that the cause of this assassination attempt had nothing to do with the first lady’s campaigning but was in fact just indignant Puerto Ricans.
(First Ladies on the Stump by Doris Kearns Goodwin, St. Martins Press).

1 comment:

Hoosier Daddy said...

Seriously Troop, that is some funny shit.