Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

I just wanted to drop you a line to thank you for the way you bitch slapped that uppity mulatto the other night. It was a pleasure to behold.

Not as big a pleasure as when I smelt your hair when I swore you in as a Member of the House in your first term. You were not the only member that was excited that night. I remember standing behind you and rubbing your shoulders and smelling your hair. It smelt like the Beach and Hawaiian Tropiic sunscreen. Oh those were  the days. When we Democrats were in charge of everything and the Orange Man was just on a TV show.

Anyhoo it doesn't look like you are going to make the next debate. I am sorry I would have loved  to smell....errr see you again. Just hang loose because I will be needing a woman of color for my VP and you are right up my alley Tulsi.

Ma-hole-o baby.

Your pal
Uncle Joe Biden

Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi:

There is a definite possibility that I will be killed in my attempt to get you elected as President. It is for this very reason that I am writing you this letter now.

As you well know by now, I love you very much. The past seven months I have left you dozens of poems, letters and messages in the faint hope you would develop an interest in me.

Although we talked on the phone a couple of times, I never had the nerve to simply approach you and introduce myself. Besides my shyness, I honestly did not wish to bother you ... I know the many messages left at your door and in your mailbox were a nuisance, but I felt it was the most painless way for me to express my love to you.

I feel very good about the fact you at least know my name and how I feel about you. And by hanging around your campaign office I've come to realize that I'm the topic of more than a little conversation, however full of ridicule it may be. At least you know that I'll always love you.

Tulsi, I would abandon this idea of doing what I must do in a second if I could only win your heart and live out the rest of my life with you, whether it be in total obscurity or whatever. I will admit to you that the reason I'm going ahead with this attempt now is because I just cannot wait any longer to impress you. I've got to do something now to make you understand in no uncertain terms that I am doing all of this for your sake. By sacrificing my freedom and possibly my life I hope to change your mind about me. This letter is being written an hour before I leave for the debate.

Tulsi, I'm asking you to please look into your heart and at least give me the chance with this historical deed to gain your respect and love.

With all my love,
John

Dear Tulsi

Dear Tulsi,

It's me. Kamala. Look bitch I don't think you want me to go upside your head you pineapple pussy skank. Wach you think dogging me like that at the debate. I thought women of color need to stick together. Didn't you get the memo or did I have to send it by drum or some such shit like they do in Hawaii.

Look so I smoke a little pot and I put a lot of people in jail for selling it. So what? Old man Biden passed lots of bills about sex abuse and he is always fingering 13 year old girls whose daddy's just got appointed dog catcher or sum shit like that there. Look at Spartacus. That dude dares to talk about his boo when you know when he is talking about T Bone he is talking about what he gets where the sun don't shine. We all be liars. We're Democrats for fucks sake!

Look don't make look you up. Keep my name out of your mouth. I didn't swallow so much of Willie Browns cum to go down like this. I will cut a bitch.

Wach your mouth bitch or I am coming for you.

Sincerely your colleague and soul sister,
Kamala