A Christopher Hitchens Carol, Part 5

(A despondent and exhausted Hitchens starts awake on his urine stained sheets. He doesn’t know if what has happened was a dream or reality. Of course that was nothing new for him. He often had trouble deciphering what was real and what was an alcoholic blackout dreams).
Voice: Hitchens, Hitchens, old boy.
Christopher Hitchens: What is this shit? Am I being haunted by Charles Nelson Reilly?
Dr. Zachary Smith (the one from the TV show, not the movie) No, no dear boy. I am the Ghost of your Christmas future.
Christopher Hitchens: Wait aren’t you that fey fictional doctor from Lost in Space who was always trying to felch the robot. Didn’t you have a very creepy and troubling relationship with that young boy on the show?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Who, young Master William. Really Mr. Hitchens that is just a cultural misapprehension. You don’t understand the future and our ways. You are not capable of judging me. After all, aren’t you an atheist? Such a medieval attitude. Anyway, you must come with me to see your future. Here step into this picture of a graveyard taken by an obscure law blogger with a Tim Burton fetish.
Christopher Hitchens: No, not a blogger. Isn’t she a famous diva? I can’t deal with their self-important portentousness.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Pot meet kettle.
Christopher Hitchens: Plus the comments. What self important drivel. Those fools think people care what they think. Babbling about nonsense, they should get a life.
Dr. Zachary Smith: It is your life we are talking about my dear boy. And it is not a wonderful life.
Christopher Hitchens: Can’t you plagiarize one story at a time?
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)

A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 4

(Christopher and Diana step through the pages of People magazine into a New York City cocktail party. A group of constipated men in bow ties with boney blondes in cocktail dresses are sipping appletinies and single malt scotch).
Christopher Hitchens: What is this place? Who are these remarkably ugly people?
Princes Diana: It is a meeting of the vast right wing conspiracy. Or the cafeteria at the National Review.. I always get them mixed up. I don’t have a good sense of direction now that I have a steering wheel stuck in my head.
(They listen to a conversation)
Jonah Goldberg: Well we can use Hitchens. He is a useful idiot. Let him take the hits from his journalist friends and the left.
Ann Coulter: John Edwards is a homo.
William F. Buckley: Blah, Blah, Blah, recondite adjective.blah, blah, obscure reference, blah blah blah, we can use Hitchens for our purposes.
K-Lo: I want to be Mitt’s third wife. Like Margene.
George F. Will Jr: He thinks that he is an independent thinker. Hitchens is a mere poseur, a dillettante, a dabbler in philosophies promulgated by the great minds of history. His celebrity can be useful to our aims. Let us him till we use him up.
Christopher Hitchens: Who does that bow tie wearing schmuck think he is? Bill Withers?
Princess Diana: He is just doing what comes naturally. What you think is your great individuality is just a tool for others to manipulate. Your current celebrity is a tool for forces greater than you know. Don’t think it has anything to do with you. You are a leaf in the wind. In fact some bored law professor might take a picture of you when you are blown through a graveyard.
Christopher Hitchens: That doesn’t make any sense.
Princes Diana: Such photography never does. Here look a shot of me with my riding instructor. Those spurs can really leave a mark.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)

A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 3

(Rolls over in a stupor, into puddle of vomit and unidentifiable fluids, he sits up and holds his head up with shaky hands)
Christopher Hitchens: Oh my head. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Voice: Christopher. Christopher Hitchens.
Christopher Hitchens: What now. Not another apparition. I don’t want to have more ghosts haunting me than ex-wives.
(A tall beautiful woman dressed in white with a large circular object behind her head walks through the wall and into the room)
Christopher Hitchens: I must be mad. It’s Princess Diana. Or I think it is. Aren’t you dead and buried? This is ridiculous. What a farce. What is that a Halo?
Princess Diana: No it is a steering wheel. I am still doing penance for my sins on this earth. That is why I must wear an automobile accessory as a hat and talk to inebriated Trotskyites. I am the Ghost of Current Celebrity. No one knows about the undeserved adulation of the masses more than I. Well except for Anna Nicole Smith. And she is visiting Lindsey Lohan today.
Christopher Hitchens: But you can not be angel. Not after your life of excess and infidelity. You are a cosmic joke. How can you be a messenger of some foolish deity, a deity that I do not acknowledge?
Princes Diana: You do not have to be saint to do his work. You just need to believe. To have faith. To trust in him and find peace.
Christopher Hitchens: Listen, I am not going anywhere with you. I am too drunk to drive. Didn’t you get in enough trouble the last time you did that?
Princess Diana: Have faith Christopher and anything could happen.
Christopher Hitchens: Everything except a Paki marrying a Princess. Then the shit hits the fan. Or the car hits the wall.
Princess Diana: Come and see what I have seen. Step with me into the pages of People magazine.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)

A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 2

Christopher Hitchens: Where are we you disgusting crone?
Mother Theresa: You look but do not see. (A small drunken seven year old boy is sleeping in a church pew surrounded by empty bottles of sacramental wine. His urine stained clothing reeks of alcohol, cigarettes and vomit. Suddenly the Church door opens)
Captain Hitchens; Christopher, where are you. Christopher come out this instant. My God, what have you done? (He spies little Christopher lying in a pool of his own urine).
Little Christopher Hitchens: (awakens in a stupor) Father. I am sorry. I just wanted to get closer to god. So I imbibed the Blood of Christ. All seven cases of it that was in the sacristy.
Captain Hitchens: Really. So defecating in the baptismal fount is getting you closer to God? (He takes his riding crop and begins to beat the boy)
Christopher Hitchens: (viewing this scene) My God. I remember this. It was in Malta in 1956. I haven’t been to church since.
Mother Theresa: Yes we know my son. Perhaps you should examine your past as clue to your current beliefs. Not everything is as you remember. A child remembers things as a child. A man must know the consequences of his actions.
Christopher Hitchens: Get away from me you fraud. Go feed the hungry and house the homeless. It’s all an act. A travesty. A road show for the yokels. You are not a saint. You are nothing but an alcohol induced apparition.
Mother Theresa: No, I am not a saint. I am a sinner. As are you. If you could but realize it and ask for forgiveness, you can be redeemed.
Christopher Hitchens; I call bullshit you boner nosed charlatan. I reject you and all you stand for. Leave me alone to my Jose Cuervo and limes.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)

A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007

(a sodden brit expat lies in sweat soaked sheets covered in snot and vomit. Suddenly he stirs as he hears a soft voice)
Voice: Christopher. Christopher awaken. I have come for you.
Christopher Hitchens (shielding his eyes) Who is it? Editors. Creditors. Auditors. Damn your eyes, step out of the light so I might see you!
Voice: It is I. the Ghost of Christmas Past. (A wizened Albanian woman wearing a nun’s habit steps out of the light).
Christopher Hitchens: Holy shit, it’s Mother Theresa!
Mother Theresa: No need for blasphemy my son. I am here to help you.
Christopher: I thought you were dead and gone.
Mother Theresa: No, I now live eternally with my Father in Heaven.
Christopher Hitchens: I don’t believe in that. You can’t be real. Are you Demi Moore without any makeup? Am I being punked?
Mother Theresa: No my son. You may be a punk but this is real. I am here to take you back to the Christmases that have gone before.
Christopher Hitchens: This can’t be real. I have to stop mixing tequila and aqua velva.
Mother Theresa: Take my hand and come with me.
Christopher Hitchens: You must be Catholic, you want to molest me.
Mother Theresa: Hush my son. You might act like a child, but now it is time to put childish things away and learn the truth of the word.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)

McCain fires aide

Drudge Report December 14, 2007
In a related story, Senator John McCain has stated he will not make an issue of the fact that Rudy Giuliani was addicted to Rogaine throughout most of the 1990’s. Mayor Giuliani has admitted in his autobiography to abusing Rogaine, often buying it off street dealers to get the potent mixtures not approved the by FDA. This powerful rogaine called “China White” was distributed in Chinatown in the 90’s and was allegedly obtained by Bernie Kerick though his contacts from the prison system. Mr. Giuliani had admitted to experimenting with Rogaine while he was in high school and continued to dabble for years after that. However his addiction became a real problem while he was mayor and eventually led to a stint in rehab at the Hair Club for Men treatment facility in Palm Springs. Senator McCain has stated that the aide has been dismissed and that his campaign will not mention the mayor’s addiction to Rogaine. However he did feel the fact that the mayor married his cousin and didn’t live in Alabama was a legitimate issue……developing.

Hillary fires aide

Drudge Report December 14, 2007:
A low level member of the Hillary Clinton Campaign charged that Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use was a significant cause of global warming. He stated that the Senator could not keep his crack pipe lit and kept flicking his lighter leading to a significant carbon footprint while he was in high school. Senator Clinton immediately denounced her aide, said she did not know he would mention Senator Obama’s cocaine use, did not think that Senator Obama’s cocaine use would be an issue, and hoped that the Republicans would not stoop so low in their campaign in the politics of personal destruction so as to mention Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She would not ask if he ever sold cocaine. She would not ask if he ever shared cocaine. She would specifically never ask if he ever shared any cocaine with white girls at a Superbowl party. She announced that the low level aide had resigned for mentioning Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She asked that we should put the questions about Senator Obama’s cocaine use behind us and that we should not mention his use of cocaine. However she did feel the fact that he did eat paste in kindergarten was a legitimate issue……developing

Steroids.

Well the Mitchel report is in and the Yankees are all over it. A lot of the lesser lights such as Knoblach, Mike Stanton and even David Justice are named. The big names are Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte. I am sorry for Andy, but that's what you get for being Roger's little bitch. I never liked Clemens and never wanted him on the Yankees. I always thought he was a big time phony and his touching the monuments before pitching was a lot of happy horse shit. So thank God we won't have to deal with him next year. Lets go to war with the young hard throwers and see what happens. If we move Matsui and put Damon in left, with Giambi as the DH, we could be ok.

Bitchity Bitch Murder by Assistant.

A famous New York Realtor was murdered by her assistant. Allegedly. Who would have thunk it. I had run into her over the years at one time or another, in CBGB's in the early punk years and then as the realtor for a couple of my clients. All I can say is it wasn't the most surprising news I ever heard. Sucks for her, but I bet a lot of cab drivers, and doorman, chinese delivery guys are smiling tonight.

St. Joe is now an LA Woman!

Well when it was all said and done, St. Joe ended up in LA with a smaller contract than he had with the Yankees. Let's see how he does without the logistical support of the evil empire. He can do his Walter Alston impersonation, he just doesn't have Sandy and Don to throw out there on the mound. Today's hot rumor planted by Scott Boras is that A-Rod wants to join him out there. Woooo hoooo! That's gonna be a lot of fun to see. Maybe Zim can come back as Torre's bench coach. Hold on to your hats, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Hey don't steal my act!

I am enjoying how some of my monkeyshines are bleeding into the posts of other people on the internets. Of course nothing I am doing is very original, so I certainly don't claim ownership. But the original fiction mocking another commenter on Althouse is very, very funny. And the posting of some appropriate lyrics makes me smile. This is some good stuff.

Six guys against Hillary. I’d call that a fair fight. This is one strong woman

Wow, I thought the world record was Vanessa Del Rio in Lips, Lips, Lips in 1982 or 1983. I don't even know how that would work. How could she take on six guys. She must have a glass eye or a very deep innie belly button. Either that or the Democrats have very small dicks. Wait a minute, Biden and Dodd are both Irish. Well there you go. It would be crowded, but workable and just a little gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I, The Moderator

This week I have decided not to post comments on any of the more prominent blogs that I usually follow religiously. Instead, I am following the comments to the personal blogs of some of the commenter's that I enjoy. But the funniest thing happened, quite a few of them have comment moderation where they control the discourse. What a bunch of pussies. So many of them talk about free speech and then they impose a draconian reign of speech control. It certainly gives me a different spin on their comments. So of them have forfeit their rights to relevance with such a policy. If you are afraid of the give and take, don't even have a comment section on your blog. Sheeeeesh!

Tom (tc) negotiates for Blogging Space with Ann Althouse!

TC: [demanding conditions on buying the lot] 1,000, now. If anyone in that tent, or the building we put up, turns a playing card or pours a drink or offers a woman's services, you get the title back and keep our fuckin' money.
Ann: What makes you talk to me in that tone of voice?
tc: I'm makin' a counter offer.
Ann: You come into camp, rent my lot, within six hours you blow in a guy's eye with Wild Bill Hickok backin' your play. Next day, I'm supposed to sell you the lot, put you in business, without askin' who the fuck you are or what the fuck you're doin' here?
tc: As far as what happened in the street, with Bill Hickok bein' involved, that was a turn of events.
Ann: A what?
tc: It was a turn... of events.
Ann: Oh, a turn of events. Your partner calls it a coincidence. So, what with this coincidence and turn of events starin' me in the fuckin' face and five other fuckin' things I'm supposed to be payin' attention to, I still make you a sensible proposal and you answer by insulting me in my own joint.
Cedarford: Seth didn't mean to insult you, Mr. Swearengen.
Ann: You stay out of this! You don't know nothin' about this! You weren't here and you don't have his proxy, so why don't you do whatever you people do when you're not running your mouths off or cheatin' people out of what they earn by Christian work.
tc: You don't want to be talkin' that way!
Ann: Oh, don't tell me how to talk in my own fuckin' place! Now, here's my counter offer to your counter offer - go *fuck* yourself!
Cedarford: Seth...
Ann: Get him... away from me!

"Teen charged with killing woman seeking job
AP MINNEAPOLIS - A 19-year-old man suspected of killing a woman who answered an online ad for a baby sitter was charged Tuesday with second-degree murder.
Michael John Anderson is accused of shooting Katherine Ann Olson in the back at his home in suburban Savage, according to the criminal complaint filed in Scott County District Courthe answered baby-sitting ad; he claims friend killed her
When confronted with evidence, Anderson admitted he was present during Olson's slaying but said the killing was committed by a friend of his who "thought it would be funny," according to the complaint.

Annie Braddock: In Africa they have the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. But for the tribe of the upper-eastside of Manhattan, it takes just one person. The nanny.
(The Nanny Diaries, 2007)

John Wayne Gacy: Hey Clowns are Funny!

The New Boss Same as the Old Boss

"We wanted him to stay a Yankee. We wanted to let him know how much we wanted him," he said. "The bottom line is ... do we really want anybody that really doesn't want to be a Yankee? How the heck can you do that? Compare him with (Derek) Jeter. Jeter, since he was a little kid, all he ever wanted to do was play shortstop for the Yankees. That's what we want."
Hank Steinbrenner

The son of the boss lays it right out there for you sports fans. A-Rod is one greedy bastard and all of his talk about the Yanks was a lot of bullshit. I am glad that Hank called him out. A-Rod could never be a true Yankee and he will not be missed. Let him go to California and hit home runs in a anonymity. The sooner the Yanks sign or trade for a third baseman the better. One intriguing possibility Miquel Tejada. Hmmmmmmmm.

No politics here, just move along, nothing to see here!

I think that I won't post on politics here because it is getting very tedious on most of the blogs that I follow. I don't think I will be getting any commenter's here, so I won't have to worry about the back and forth of pompous pronouncements that seems to plague Althouse, Dr Helen, and the Captain. Of course the one way streets like the Daily Kos and Little Green Footballs are just as boring. So I hope to find interesting topics that don't include the usual suspects.

So long A-rod, don't let the door hit you in the cootch!

Thank God that A-Rod has announced that he is opt-ing out and will be a free agent. Hank Steinbrenner is exactly right when he says that the Yanks won't pursue him. He is a stat machine but as far from a clutch player is as possible to be. I saw what A-Rod is all about in the Yankee series with that big time Seattle team a few years ago. A-Rod was shredding the Yanks until Clemen's shaved him high and tight and he shit his pants. That was the last you saw of A-Rod and his team in the series. So if the Yanks get a couple of role players to platoon at third we will be in the drivers seat as long as the young pitching pans out. I hope A-Rod goes to the Giants, since they love assholes out there and he fit's right into Bonds slot as he chases a stupid record and the team wins squat. I spent ten years in Frisco one weekend and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. See Ya A-Rod. Ya Pussy.

A new series for comments, you be the judge!

I don’t think anyone is reading my pitiful little blog, but if by chance you are, I need some suggestions of a literary, or cinematic style to use in a comments section. I started out dropping appropriate quotes in, but now I think original fiction based on a style is a lot of fun. The Bullwinkle and Rocky E True Hollywood story was pretty cool and I am enjoying both the Slave Girls of Gor meme as well as the new James Bond with althouse characters. Suggestions would be appreciated. I think I am either going to go with 70’s
Blacksploitation or “quotes” from current reality shows. But you imput would be greatly appreciated. Hello….is anyone there…Bueller….Bueller.

Doyle out of control?

It seems that Doyle a frequent commentor on the Althouse blog has his panties in a twist. I expect Oddjob to jump in to bitch slap as he is wont to do when someone musses up the Professor's make-up. I am sure she doesn't care what any commentors say and is proably amused by such opinions. I chalk it up to Wilpon derangement syndrome in which all Mets are nuts. Stay turned, same bat time, same bat channel.

Pussy Galore at the controls?

Now we turn to our Goldfinger parody with various of the commentors as characters from the Bond films. Inspired by the good professor's pose as Pussy Galore on her trip to Florida. As Pussy was Goldfinger's pilot, it is a natural. The question before the house, can you identify the other characters. I bet you can. But it was amusing to while away a sunday afternoon. PS. The Red Sox still suck.

Why am I currently obessed by Gor.

I enjoy posting on Ann Althouse's blog because I think it has one of the biggest collections of pompous, pretensions gasbags in recorded human history. I have only posted one political comment which was expunged and created a firestorm. So I have opted to only comment by using a little english on the cue ball. Using quotes, I can comment in a sort of code. You either get it or you don't. Lately the gas bag quotient has been off the charts. One recurring meme is that the Professor is obsessed with Al Gore and can't seem to leave him alone. The only answer to this opinion is to drop in quotes from the Gor novels of John Norman. Specifically those dealing with slaves and other borderline sexually drenched topics that most of these literally minded nerds will never cop too. Of course there are also a lot of cool people on the blog, who are self-aware enough and hip to what I am doing. Let's see if anyone figures it out. I wonder if the professor will get it or will she ask what it is all about. Watch and learn.

So long Joe!

Well the long national nightmare is finally over. Joe Torre scoffed at the insult of 5 million a year and walked on the Yankees. The bastards. They would only have made him the highest paid manager in the majors. Again. And the typical bullshit is spouted by the asshole media like that midget yuppie asshole Mike Lupica in his implacable hatred of the evil empire. It was just time for Joe to move on. He was more focused on what went on before, and not what he had to do to win now. He stood pat with his old veterans and resisted using the young kids. He had to have his hand forced and he is not the man we want going forward. I bet Larry Bowa is going to get the job. He is hungry enough to do what needs to be done. Damon, Abreu, and Matsui better watch their ass or it will planted on the bench. A-rod is long gone, but Posada and Rivera will resign. The young pitching will lead to a surprisingly smooth ride into the playoff's next year and Saint Joe will be yesterdays newspapers. Let's go Yankees!

Send your check to Joe Torre via Joey's Kids

I want to know the address to send my check for the nonstop Joe Torre telethon that is going on in the New York Media. Joe has had a good run, but enough is enough. The team desperately needs a new voice. Joe did a lot for the Yanks, but the Yankees did a lot more for him. When he was hired most of the media dubbed him"Clueless Joe." But with the backing of the Yankee machine he became one of the winningest managers in baseball history. Just like Joe McCarthy. Just like Casey Stengel. Two other Yankee managers who couldn't leave gracefully when the run was up. This situation exactly parrallels Casey in 1959. They both spent more time looking back than looking forward. They relied too much on older veterans who did it for them in the past. When the Yankees brought in Ralph Houk, he intergrated young players like Jim Bouton, Joe Pepitione, Mel, and even Tommy Tresh. In todays Yankee equation, Torre=Stengal, Giradi=Houk, and Mattingly=Yogi (Yankee hero waiting in the wings to manage after sucess of backup catcher who gets the last few championships out of the toothpaste tube) So it's so long Joe, good luck, see you at the next oldtimers game. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

How do you get some action?

I think I do best as a counter-puncher, so I hope I get a few comments to bounce off. I quess you need to stir the shit a little to get some posts. I will have to see what I can come up with to mix a methaphor and throw a little against the wall to see what sticks.

New beginings.

I have decided to start my own little blog type situatiton. I don't know how far I will go with it, but let's give it a whirl. I hope to say a few interesting things, qoute some interesting people, throw in a joke or an aside that will bring a smile. So let's jump right in to the deep end of the pool.