Pia should have slutted it up

Well Pia was eliminated from American Idol this week and everybody seemed shocked. I really wasn't because I thought she hadn't marketed herself well. Since she was an Italian American from New York City she should have went all "Jersey Shore." She could have slutted it up and been a lot more aggressive. You need a personality if you want to move forward in this competition.

Most of the performances were ok. Except for bearded douche guy and phony Rod Stewart dude. Both did screechy train wrecks of performances that should have got them bounced. Eyes closed dude also butchered "When a Men Loves a Woman" but for some reason J-Lo loves him. Maybe he reminds her of her first boyfriend. You know the one that grew up to be a gym teacher in Forest Hills. The phony rocker girl also tried to sing Janis Joplin which was like a Japanese Nuclear plant. They just don't have the pipes. Tourette rocker dude did a slow song but slid by on the praise of the judges and chocolate pudding black gay church guy was in the bottom three but made it out of the pack. They all have to pick up their games.

This year seems a lot sweeter than prior years. The performers seem more together and the judges make it a fun time to watch. It is definitely entertaining and a good watch.

My prediction is that it will come down to Deep voiced Randy Travis Pumpkin Head kid and babyfat Lolita from Georgia as we have an all country finale.

I have been too busy to fart

I have been so busy I don't know what to do. I am cleaning up the last tax returns I am doing before I retire to devote full time to the store. But the new rules about electronic filing are killing me. I hate this shit.

Lee Lee's Valise on What Not to Wear Tuesday April 5th

Lee Lee's Valise will be featured on TLC's "What Not to Wear" this Tuesday at 8pm. The subject is Carly from New Jersey you loves to wear her daughters clothes which just don't fit. She got a whole bunch of great stuff from the store so we will really be showcased. Oh I did not do any bra fitting. Just sayn'

Sunday Morning coming down!

A funny thing happens every Sunday morning. When the ten o’clock mass lets out many of the people walk from St. Mary’s down Court St toward the Italian salumeria called “Good Food.” As we are walking down the street talking and catching up we pass all of the yuppies and hipster douchnozzles waiting to go to brunch at Frankies 457 or Prime Meats two of the local restaurants that are written up in all of the magazines. Now somehow Frankies’ has this big rep as an Italian restaurant which is funny since none of the real Italians from the neighborhood go there. They are all going to get the stuff to cook Sunday dinner at “Good Food.” The hipster dofus types would never consider Sunday Morning as a time to go to a religious service because it is only a time for brunch. They are too busy getting and spending and comparing their expensive strollers that they park outside the restaurant to block the sidewalk so a poor old eighty year old lady who is limping to the store can’t get by because these scumbags are blocking the whole sidewalk.

The Gospel today was about the bind man that Jesus cures by spitting on some clay and putting it on his eyes so he could see. Sometimes I would like to see if I could get these hipsters to see what is what, but I don’t think that could ever happen in real life. I mean I don’t have any clay. But I might like to spit their eyes. Just sayn’

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi had lost it all. He had gone from being a respected cartoon character, movie star and mayor of Jellystone Park to a homeless derelict looking for sex in the parks men's room like a cut rate George Michael. So if you are traveling to a national park and a bear strikes a wide stance next to you at the urinal......beware of Yogi Bear. (Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

It had all fallen apart for Yogi. Meaningless sexual encounter after meaningless sexual encounter with both sexes became his normal practice. He didn’t care anymore. He was thrown out of national park after national park as he would have sex out in the open and scare the tourists. He was just after sensation. He just wanted to feel something. Anything. But his life was empty. He had hit rock bottom.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi fell into a sexual abyss after Ling Ling left him. He wandered around wherever bears congregated and fell into deviant behavior. Many vistas where open to him as he was a celebrity. He did coke and partied with porn stars with Charley Sheen. He went on a sex tour of the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh. And he was part of an infamous daisy chain set up by the Coca Cola bear. Sixteen bears had a orgy at Wasilia Alaska during the Iditirod race. A sex tape was filmed and posted on the Internet but Yogi was too far gone by then to care.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Once Yogi married Ling Ling he totally went crazy. He was playing in a rock band with his friend Shouting Thomas and doing a lot of drugs. He also began to gamble excessively and act recklessly. He would bet on anything. Since he was a big Cubs fan like Shouting Thomas they dropped a bundle betting on the Cubbies because they never won anything. Yogi got further and further involved in the life, to the point he was running match races with Smokey the Bear at Hialeah race track where he lost all of his money. That was the final straw for Ling Ling so she left him for Gentle Ben.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi had a hard time adjusting after he was divorced from Cindy. Boo Boo had left to live in a guest house on OJ Simpsons place and Ranger Smith had moved on to Washington. The old gang was gone and the grotto was empty. Nobody was visiting him anymore. So he decided to do what a lot of lonely middle aged men do. His good friend shouting thomas introduced him to lotusflower.com an Asian dating site where he started to correspond with a lovely Panda named Ling Ling. They emailed back and forth and skyped until she took the plunge and flew over to meet with him. Yogi was in love. Because even though she was a bear she liked to do it doggie style.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Captain America Calling......

He's gonna be here soon. Can't wait. I hope the Red Skull and Baron Zemo make an appearance as well.

I never ever go to the actual movies but I am making an exception for the new Thor movie.

I can't wait.

Commentor Memories Number 64 Jeremy has a three way

Yeah every dog has his day. So to speak.

I wish I was still on vacation!

Here is the video from the cruise in December when I got my new summer hat!

I wish I was back on vacation.

But Mama Cass is tied for first!

She has her fans. Of which I am one.

Mama M is winning the Poll!!!!!!

And she didn't even post any shower scenes like "Black Mama/White Mama" did.

I can't help it if Pam Grier keeps emailing me.

THE YANKEES WIN....THE YANKEEEEEEESSSSS WIIIINNNNNNN!!!

Nice opening day win.

Only 161 more wins to go for an undefeated season.

Then we will be happy!

Well only if we win the Series!

Laura Bushs Diary

The twins and I were out at Costco picking up the Lone Star and Salsa and the Mountain Dew for W to enjoy while we are watching the NCAA tournament. W loves his basketball and we always watch all the games. So the twins come over and we all sit around and watch the games and root for our favorites. We all fill out bracket pools and stuff but we always pick a team that we root for if our Alma Maters are eliminated which often happens right quick. The only problem is if W’s parents are around because that nasty old Barb steals the remote and puts on the rasslen’ matches. She always goes on and on “Why are we watching a bunch a nigra’s in short pants running around going ape when WWE Raw is on.” So we have to keep the remote away from her.

Anyhoo we are sitting around the patio and the red phone starts to ring. Now it wasn’t Commissioner Gordon or anything like that. It is the direct line to the White House. You see Barry had it installed in case he needed to talk to W about something. He is pretty unsure about what to do so when he wants to do something he calls up W so he can do the same thing. You know like jugging the ragheads in Gitmo or sending those drones up the ass of the towel heads in Pakistan. Or giving away the store to Wall Street and what not. You see Barry doesn’t have many ideas and is really a pretty lazy fuck. I mean he likes the ceremonial part of the job but he hates to make decisions and shit. So he just calls up W and does whatever he tells him. It’s almost like W was Cheney or something. I mean he is more in charge than when he was president for fucks sake.

So W goes in the library and talks for about an hour and when he comes out he is chuckling. So I go “What’s up darling…is Barry gonna invade Iran or something?” “Nah nothing cool like that Laura. He is going after Daffy Khadafy. And guess what? He is instituting a “No Fly Zone.”

We both started laughing our ass off which really confused the fuck out of the twins.

You see W and I first met because what you might call a no-fly zone.

I had told you about the days I was working the peep shows in New York with Robyn Byrd and sharing an apartment with her and Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette. And I know I told you how Joey would get gigs through her dad the Merry Mailman’s connection at WPIX. Now Joey didn’t have the big entourage or act like she did later when she was blowing Bob Hope. When she needed backup singers or dancers we would fill in. Like the time Robyn hooked up with Meyer Lansky. So we were always down with a road trip.

So this one July day Joey bursts into Show World and goes “Let’s go bitches. I got us an all expenses paid trip to California. And it is all because of you Robyn.” “How did that happen Joey?” “Well your pal Meyer got me the gig. It’s at some fancy resort with a lot of bigwigs and we are gonna make a lot of scratch.” ROAD TRIP.

So we put on our leather mini-skirts and push up bras and halter tops and got on the airplane going into Los Angeles hoping to pick up a couple of keys while we were out there. Meyer picks us up in a limo and takes us out on a long drive to Frisco. You see they wanted to have plausible deniability and Meyer was having a beef with the Falcone family in Frisco so we had to drive there from LA.

We finally get out to this one horse town called Monte Rio and pull up to this joint with all these log cabin type thingys. But what was weird was that it looked all rustic on the outside but the inside had the best furnishings you ever did see. Robyn always wants to know what’s going on and goes to Meyer “Hey baby what is this place?” “It’s a campground for the biggest gonifs in the world” growled Meyer “They call it the Bohemian Grove.”

Now what it was is a joint where all the biggest of big shots in business and government and what have you got to relive their days in summer camp. They like to sing songs and pee on trees and run around naked. You see it was a real “no-fly” zone. Shitfire it was a no pants zone. All these old dudes running around with no clothes on. I mean we saw Ronald Reagan and Vice President Nixon right before he ran for Governor and J Edgar Hoover who had a ball sack like a basset hound. Anyhoo we were hustled into the back and got into costumes which were basically a bra and really tight panties. And then they took us out to the lake where there was this big statue of an owl. All of these old dudes were around drinking and smoking cigars. Let me tell you that Ronnie Reagan was one fine lookin’ man back then. We go up on the stage and Joey starts singing and strutting around and we vamped in the background and trusted out our tits and twats even though most of the men weren’t paying much attention. It actually seemed really gay. Especially the guys hanging around Jay Edgar Hoover. He kept touching this guy who I later found out was Al Gore Sr. who had the FBI director doing some global warming on his schlong. But there were a couple of guys who were checking us out.

You see there was an after party with just a few people invited in a cabin behind the lake. Meyer was there and Edsel Ford who owned Ford Motor Company and some dude who owned Boning and a couple of distinguished looking politician guys. One of them pulled me over on his lap as he sat on the couch. He was sort of feeling me up but you know that goes with the territory when you get a gig like that. He was rubbing my ass and squeezed my tits and tweaked my nipples and then strangely enough he looked at my teeth? I was getting freaked out. So I goes to him “What’s up pops, do you think I am a horse you are gonna buy or something?” “No my dear. I was just looking to see if you were healthy and strong. You look like just the kind of girl I want to fix up with my grandson. You have a good head on your shoulders and he is a real wild one. But eventually he will calm down and he needs someone who can keep up with him till he is ready to settle down and dry out. Meyer says you are a real smart girl and that you would be perfect and since Meyer is always right I will follow his advice.” “Thanks Daddy but I can find my own boys.” “Oh I think you will like my grandson very much. Why don’t you just give it a chance. I will set you up in school because Meyer says you want to go back to school and that you are very smart. So this is a done deal. Now why don’t you just give me a little wank and then you can scoot.”

So as we are driving back to the airport I ask Meyer “Who was that crazy old coot Meyer?” “Why that is Prescott Bush. He is one of the seven guys on the Trilateral Commission who basically control the world. So you better do whatever he says. Man even Albert and Charley are scared of him.”

Which is how I ended up going back to school. I got the word that I should pick out something demure and all so I became a Librarian. I was introduced to W and the rest was history. Of course later I told him all about it. You see we have no secrets. But we always laugh about it because I got to meet him only because I ran into his grandfather in a “no-fly” zone.

Imagine that.

My most popular posts?

They have this new feature where you can list your most popular posts. Now I must confess that I have no idea which ones are the most popular.

Don't you know that almost all of them are Camel Toe Posts?

What does that tell you about America I ask you?

All of that hard work making up stories and doing dialogue and finding photo's and all youse guys want to see is the outline of Kelly Ripa's snatch. What's up with that?

Whose you're favorite Mama!

MamaM said... After someone finds or gets some head, its time for a new poll.

So we have a new poll.

Mama Cass

Mama Mia

Mama Celeste

Black Mama /White Mama

Mama M

So pick your favorite Mama!

Toy Story

Here's what happened when we went to the Toy Fair by mistake a couple of weeks ago.

Hey what the hey!

I was busy!

Bra's don't fit themselves you know.

Now step into the dressing room and lets get started.

The journey continues!

Work in progress. Film at eleven. Watch same Bat time. Same Bat Channel.

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend- the Next Generation

Yankee's Locker Room Spring Training in St Petersburg February 28, 2009

Jorge Posada: Hey they have a big spread about A-Rod and Cameron Diaz in the Post’s Page Six today. They say they are back together. Last I heard he was banging that Kate Hudson bitch. Why would he jump that pimple pocked pussy when he can get that young cooze?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod just likes to be in the papers all the time. I don’t think that other bitch is famous enough for him. Plus he likes them skanky. And old. I just surprised he ain’t banging Amy Winehouse.
Jorge Posada: You think so. That’s a piss poor excuse. Maybe he just digs that droopy loose pussy. I heard they did the deed with a three way with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and they used old Tom as a strap on.
Joba Chamberlin: Well that’s better than that smelly pussy right Mr. Jeter?
Derek Jeter: I told you rook, don’t mention Mariah again, all right?
Joba Chamberlin: Sorry Mr. Jeter.
A-Rod: (saunters into the locker room) Hey Chico’s how’s it hanging?
Joba Chamberlin: Like you sheets on Monday morning Mr. A-Rod.
Jorge Posada: What the fuck?
Derek Jeter: That must be a Nebraska expression man.
Joba Chamberlin: You seem to have gotten a lot of fan male this week Mr. Rodriquez.
A-Rod: I always do. My public loves me.
Jorge Posada: Yeah all the booing must be for somebody else when you get up there big guy.
Joba Chamberlin: You sure got a lot of packages. Here’s one somebody sent FedEx.
A-Rod: Oh man, I wish these bitches would leave me alone.
Derek Jeter: Well you should stop wearing that Hi-Karate bud.A-Rod: (opens the box and finds a six jars of pimple cream) What the fuck?
Joba Chamberlin: There’s a card attached. “Here you can use this for that pimple pocked puta you are banging. But don’t put it on your dick cause that’s the herp pendajo!”
Jorge Posada: Dude, you got to keep that shit out of the locker room, it’s bad for the team.
A-Rod: Let me see that. To A. Rodriquez Legends Field Tampa Florida….with love from Madonna, Cynthia, Kate and…….what the fuck…..Jeter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes there is a cry for help?

You're scaring me dudes. It's obvious. Enough with the videos already. You should just be having fun. Just sayn'

If Star Dates where like J Dates

"So do you come here often?"

"No it's my first time. I'm from Seattle. Hey where are the babes?"

"I don't know, I was talking to a green broad a while ago but she seems to have split."

"Well that sucks. Hey can I ask you a question?"

"Sure Seattle what do you want to know?"

"Do you like gladiator movies?"

You can take the bull by the horns

"But could you stop staring at my tits?"

Commenter Memories No 64-Garage walks the dog and walks us through it!

After Garage finishes walking the dog he is going to walk us through why what Obama is doing in Libya is totally different than what W did in Iraq.

Palate cleanser in black and white

That's what we are talking about!

It is pretty funny to hear people talk about her who don't remember how beautiful she was.

I stopped going to the movies.

Because you know the place has gone to the fuckin' dogs.

Listen Justin I know you are new to this.

"But could you stop staring at my tits?"
"Seriously I am old enough to be your mother."
"You are my mother."
"Is that you Bissage?"

Hey say hello to the Fockers.

"Mr. Hoffman I know you are a famous Oscar winning actor and all but can I ask you a question?"
"Sure Angelina."
"Can you stop staring at my tits?"
"Why Mrs Pitt, I think you are trying to seduce me."
"No I ain't Grandpa. Cut it out. You're creeping me out man. Worse than RH Hardin if that was possible."

Palate Cleanser-Classic division

Get the points? So to speak.

The Babe Abides

"Ok Keed smile for the camera's"
"Why are we holding hands Babe?"
"I don't know. That photographer with the rare clumber spaniels asked me too."
"Oh."

The bloggingheads commenters are having a meet up!

Luckily I was not invited.

What do you mean where is Mr. Spock?

"I don't see any reason for you to ask for Mr. Spock. Why do you ask?"
"Well he was going to teach me the Vulcan nipple pinch."
"What I never heard of that?"
"Oh yes it was perfected in 1968 when a Vulcan first explored earth and found a earth woman called ....what was her name......Johnny.....Julie....errr....oh yeah Joey."
"What a woman named Joey? Perposterous. As is your interest in Mr. Spock. He is not for you. I will call Captain Kirk. He is more your speed. Can you dye your twat green?"

Whose those girls?

Because as Sixty Grit has pointed out, punctuation and spelling is what we are concerned about here!

Hey I am a gambling rambling man!

"Look Maverick I know you are a gambling rambling man. But as sheriff of this county I have one thing to say to you."
"What's that?"
"Stop looking at my tits."s

Palate cleanser!

Hey all this politics and posting about posters and what not. I have been too busy doing taxes and bullshit to post much.

But I figure why not little bit of fun poke out from the bedsheets. So to speak.

Van Morrison: Caravan (Unplugged In The Studio)

In The Garden (Live 2010)

Gary Busey is an Insane Genuis

Did you see the last episode of Celebrity Appentice? They made Gary Busey the Project Manager because they thought they would get rid of him when they lost because they couldn't take his bullshit anymore. But they won of all things. It was a task where they had to set up a camping experiance and they had John Rich playing the guitar and Jose Conseco playing catch with the people taking a tour so it was a lot of fun.

The girls on the other hand were fighting a lot. You have to see Dione Warwick to believe her! She is one crazy bitch. As is Starr Jones and Nene Leakes. They are really bring the crazy and this season shapes up to be a lot of fun.

Hardcore Pawn is a lot of fun

I found this new show on TruTV called Hardcore Pawn. It is the story of a real pawn shop. Not the prettified one shown on Pawn Stars where they buy antiques and George Washington's underwear. Here you have people in Detroit on the balls of their ass pawning their microwaves and their kids toys. There was even this dude that pawned his artificial leg.

This is really true TV and fascinating. Check it out if you want to see what life on the edges is these days.

Whose that girl-double trouble edition.

Two times the fun if you can guess Whoses that girl?

If Star Dates were like J Dates.

"I am sorry but we can't go out anymore."
"But why not Jim?"
"I can't date someone who dresses like Lady GaGa. That went out of style for four hundred years for crying out loud."

If Star Dates were like J Dates.

"Hi welcome to the mixer at Sigma Alpha Mu. Don't mind the pledges. They have to wear the condoms on their heads. "

If Star Dates were like J Dates

"Don't be upset my dear. I am a doctor damn it not a perv. I have to feel you conch."
"Wrong movie dipshit."

If Star Dates were like J Dates

"So do you come here often?"
"Oh every once in a while. But I want to ask you a question. Did you get your ears done?"
"Well yes I did. By the same doctor who did Jennifer Grey's ears. Thanks for noticing."

If Star Dates were like J Dates

"So I love you long time baby."
"Don't touch me unless you mean it Mr Chop Suey."
"I am Japanese bitch not Chinese."
"No way. You don't glow in the dark."

Tales of Amy's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening?
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: No but this time it feels different. Sort of…..like a storm is brewing.
Bigwig: I know. It is coming from that garden across the way where we had the old warren.
Hazel: How do you know that? It is something you heard on patrol?
Bigwig: No. Everyone knows about it. Everyone is talking about it.
Hazel: I must be out of the loop. What is the problem?
Bigwig: Well Strawberry and I were on patrol at the old warren and it seems that someone is threatening the lady from the garden and her friend the farmer who stays with her. Someone is writing nasty notes to her and saying he is going to do bad things.
Fiver: But I thought everyone didn’t like the lady in the garden. I mean look at how everyone had left the garden. She doesn’t get along with others all that well. She is always starting fights with everyone. Even the farmer is always pushing her from behind when they take all their clothes off. And he is always making the lady call for God or Jesus or something.
Bigwig: I know it is very strange. And he is always yelling weird stuff too. Why is he always saying he is going to come when he is already there? I don’t understand.
Hazel: So who is this person who is after them? Is it the self adsorbed crow?
The grumpy badger? The noisy blue jay? Or even the ghost?
Bigwig: No it isn’t any of the usual people. It is some new person. I heard he live in a cardboard box in an attic.
Hazel: Oh so he is a cat?
Bigwig: I don’t know but the lady keeps calling him a pussy so I guess it must be so. I do know that they have been more careful about locking up. I think the farmer even put handcuffs on the doors.
Fiver: Thank Eliearah we don’t live there anymore. I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that? All that fighting and arguing. It doesn’t seem like much fun.
Bigwig: Well some animals like that I suppose. In fact the black crow is always over there kawing at everyone. He keeps inviting everyone back to his nest but no one seems to want to go.
Fiver: Why not?
Bigwig: He says we just don’t understand. It’s a crow thing.
Hazel: Well I am glad we don’t have those problems over here in our new garden. Everybody gets along here. Even the old house cat that just sits in the sun peeing on himself. He is a lot tamer here than he was in the old warren.
Fiver: That’s true Hazel. I like our little garden. Everyone seems to get along……wait a minute….did you just pee yourself again? You have to stop drinking all day. It’s just not good for you.
(Watership Down, 1972)

The Babe Abides.

"Say Babe what are you doing?"

"Gonna slap some balls around Keed."

"What?"

"Handball Keed. Handball. Get your mind out of the sewer. I ain't in the National League."

Wait a minute I thought she was dead....whose that girl?

I had no idea. I mean it was all over TV. But she is still around. Whose that girl....so to speak?

Check out the Celebrity Apprentice tonight!

It has been craptastic so far. And with all world crazies and morons like Latoya Jackson, Starr Jones, Gary Busey, Nene Leakes and Meat Loaf......I mean it is guarantied to be a lot of fun.

I heat that Meat Loaf and Gary Busey get into a huge fight where they have to call the cops and Nene and Starr duke it out as well to the point that you have to laugh your ass off.

Highly recommended.