Laura Bush's Diary

So we were sitting around watching the playoffs as the Rangers bounced those pussies from Tampa Bay from the playoffs. It ain't gonna matter cause we have to wait to play those damn Yankees after they beat the Tigers. Nothin is sweeter than beating the Yankees in the playoffs. It's even better than winning the World Series cause beating the Yankees is all that's important anyhoo. If they even make it past those Tigers.

Now the girls and I were doing tequila shooters and eating cheese doodles and watching the game while W was watching CNN on the big TV in the study. W is sort of out of being a baseball fan these days. Even though he owned the Rangers it was really just a political and financial thing for him. His Mom was the real baseball fan ever since she gave Rocky Colavito a Dirty Sanchez but that's a whole nother story. She forced him to buy the Rangers but we made some dough out of it so it was the one good thing she ever made him do.
Right about the sixth inning W came bursting into the room. He goes "Laura you won't believe how bad Rick Perry is in the debate. He sucked more than the twins at a fraternity party!" "HEY!" yelped Jenna "THAT"S NOT NICE DADDY!" " Sorry sugar but it is true. It looks like Mitt Romney is cleaning up. Mittens is slaughtering them. What are we gonna do? He will never win in the general. What will we do Laura?"

"Why what you always do W. Call Cheney." "Good idea. Let me get out the Dick Phone." I went into the study and opened the cabinet on the wall and took out a pink princess phone. The handset was in the shape of a penis (foreskin and all). It was the Dick Phone. It was our direct line to Dick Cheney. I picked up the phone and it buzzed his pacemaker a couple of time and he picked it up on the first ring.

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS!" he roared. "It's me Dick, Laura. Don't give yourself a heart attack you moron. W wants to talk to you. It looks like Mittens is doing too well in the debates. We have to do something." I handed the phone to W and he babbled into it for a couple of minutes until he calmed down and hung up the phone. "Well that's settled." "How so honey." "We are gonna brain wash him." We looked at each other. And burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"What are you laughing about Mom" blurted out Barbara. She's the slow one. "What's so funny?" "Well girls let me tell you a little story........"

You see it was 1968 and a bunch of Republicans were running for President against what they thought was an incumbent in Lyndon Johnson. There was Nixon and Rockefeller and of course George Romney who was Mittens old man. Now Dick Cheney was just a college student at the time so he only heard about what happen later. It seems that Dick Nixon's hatchet man Murray Chotiner had to find a way to get rid of Romney. Just like his son he was the favorite of the east coast elite media and the establishment as he made them a lot of money by peddling defective Ramblers to the Rubes in flyover country. So they had to burst his bubble without leaving their fingerprints on it.

Now that was tough. I mean George didn't step out on his wives. Who would want to get a little strange on the side when you have ten wives waiting for you at home. He just had to hop in another bed to get a little variety. No need to do secretaries or Ben Bradlee's sister or anything like that. There was always some fresh poon at Juniper Creek.

He didn't drink because those fuckin' saints don't even drink coffee. And of course he didn't do drugs. So there really wasn't a handle. Until Murray came up with a brainstorm.

You see the CIA had been doing experiments with LSD. They had been getting students and other guinea pigs to try it test the effects. They even put it into the water in Wayne New Jersey where they infected the whole town to the point that everyone who lived there was never quite "right" in the head. They say the whole high school class is insane to this very day. So they had a brainstorm. They followed around Romney and when he campaigned in New Jersey they made sure that he went to this one Mexican restaurant. Now most people don't know it but Romney was actually a Mexican since he was born in Mexico and really shouldn't even have been eligible to run for President. They had the waiter spill a big bowl of salsa on him until it soaked his suit. Since he was in between appearances they had him go back to a local motel suite while they took his good suit out to be laundered. You see he only had two suits since he liked to pretend he was all frugal and shit. And when they got it they took his super secret underwear and soaked it in LSD.

So he was LDS soaking in LSD.

It really messed with his mind. He went on to claim that he had been brainwashed but it was only his skivvies. He never recovered as they laughed him out of the primaries. They eventually stuck him in HUD or something like that there but he never really recovered. After he retired he started to deteriorate and went back to the days of his youth. He would dress in a serape and a sombrero and ride his donkey to the plaza and sit in the sun and take a siesta. He is still doing it. Everybody thinks he is dead but he is still around. He is about 126 years old now and living in the compound on Juniper Creek. The only problem is he is always posting on the Internets ranting about Mormons and cursing everyone out in Spanish. It is very annoying.

I think we just have to out him and let everybody know that Mittens crazy old Dad is still around and that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Or else we need to put some LSD in his LDS panties. That ought to do the trick.