The High King of Montvale

Well SM Stirling just posted his tenth chapter of the latest installment of his saga of the quest for the Sword of the Lady which is called coincidentally "The Sword of the Lady." It is the saga of Atros or more properly Rudi Mackenzie who is on a quest to the Island of Nantucket. This series ties in with his two previous series "The Islands in the Sea of Time" and "Dies the Fire" both of which I have highly recommended.

Mr. Stirling has previously stated that he usually puts up ten chapters and leaves ten chapters for the rest of the book so that means he should be ready to publish soon. When you enjoy a series as much as I do you really anticipate the next book and it is a gyp when you read it so fast and have to wait so long for the next installment. So if you are looking for some really cool summer reading, start with the "Dies the Fire" trilogy and work you way on to "The Sunrise Lands" books. You will have a great summer of escapist reading with one of the new masters of science fiction/alternative history/fantasy. I guess I don't know the best way to categorize it I just know that it is great.

Oh no, the Penguin Truimphs!

At least the evil blogger lady is losing.

Sorry Darcy about your Red Wings. See ya next year.

Problems of a Shopkeeper.

Well the daughter and the granddaugher are up from Florida so I opened the store on my own today for an extended Saturday morning with Trooper York. I had a bunch of ladies getting dresses including a couple of mothers of the bride who are always tough to please. What to do. Oh what to do.

Why crank up the music and make it fun. Disco, Madonna, Bee Gees, Soul, Al Green, James Brown, I don't what it is just as long as it's funky. I told everyone I had to get the dancing out of my system before the boss got there because she doesn't let me dance in public. So everyone was moving and groving to the music trying on and buying dress. There's a party going on.

I warned everyone that I had to get dancing out of my systems and as the song says I have ants in my pants and I got to dance. But sure enough the boss came in and everyone "Oh Lee Lee is here." And one of the girls that was in the dressing room shouts out "Oh don't stop dancing now." Lee Lee goes "What he was dancing?"

I had to say "Baby why'd you give me up? Didn't Nello make a video about not snitchin' and stuff?"

So the dance party is on hold till next week.

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.

(Yankee batting practice, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter just steps out of the batting cage)
Jorge Posada: Hey Jeter come over here.
Derek Jeter: What’s up dawg?
Jorge Posada: Rudy wants to talk to you.
Rudy Giuliani: Hey Derek I want you to meet someone. This is Governor Sarah Palin with her daughter Willow and their cousin Chris.
Derek Jeter: Nice to meet you Governor. Hey guys are you Yankee Fans.
Willow and Chris: Yes sir.
Derek Jeter: Well let me get you guys a couple of autographed balls and maybe a couple of autographed bats.
Governor Sarah Palin: Thank you Mr. Jeter.
Derek Jeter: You can call me Derek, Governor.
Governor Sarah Palin: Thanks Derek. The girls are big fans of yours. They love the Yankees. We used to watch you in the World Series all the time.
Derek Jeter: Ouch Governor. It has been a while. But you can’t win them all. You know something about that don’t you? Say do you guys know the three most important things about being a Yankee Fan?
Willow: Yes it’s great to be young and a Yankee.
Chris: It’s not over till it’s over.
Governor Sarah Palin: Boston Sucks. Especially the Kennedy’s.
Derek Jeter: Hey you guys really are fans.
(A-Rod comes running out of the dugout)
Willow and Chris: Hey Mr. Rodriquez can we have an autograph.
A-Rod: Fuck off kids your mother is too Republican.
Jorge Posada: (under his breath) what an asshole… (In a normal voice) Ah don’t pay attention to him guys, he is a little upset because he hasn’t been feeling well. He hurt his hip. I think he caught it from Madonna. All those old people have problems with their hips. Plus he only like old women who had lot’s of plastic surgery. So don’t take it personal. He would be all over you if you were Nancy Pelosi.
Derek Jeter: Sorry about that Governor. I hope you don’t hold it against the Yankees?
Governor Sarah Palin: Never Derek. I have always been a big time Yankees fan.
Derek Jeter: Well there is one good thing.
Governor Sarah Palin: What’s that?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod’s divorce should be coming up soon. I think the Judge that’s hearing it is a Republican.
Governor Sarah Palin: Great idea Derek. Can I leave the girls with you for a minute; I have to make a few calls.
Derek Jeter: Sure thing Governor. Com’on girls. Let me introduce to some super Models. They are all sitting in my private box and I bet they would be glad to talk to you. We can even give Heidi Klum a hotfoot. Her bazonka’s are so big she can’t see her feet.
Willow and Chris: Cool

Remembrance of things Pabst

There used to be this bar all the way at the end of Henry Street which was called the Back Lot. Now it had a movie sort of décor because I think the owner had something to do with the movies and he had an old fashioned camera and one of those speaking trumpets that the old timey directors used. Anyway it was the very first bar in Brooklyn when you got off the Brooklyn Bridge and made the turn onto Cadman Plaza which is the first exit. So we would have the cab drop us off there and start drinking. Then we would work our way through to all the bars in between there and Carroll Gardens
.
This was in the early eighties and we were boozing it up pretty good in the Seaport and stuff. Videos had just started getting popular and Madonna and Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie all had big hits that were being played incessantly on a new channel called MTV. Anyway Bruce Springsteen had a big hit with this video called “Dancing in the Dark.” You remember it right? He’s singing in a concert and he pulls this girl out of the audience to dance with him on stage. And the girl turned out to be Courtney Cox. Well it was funny because she had stated to star in this creepy sci-fi TV show called misfits of science. Well one of my friends had a brother who was half a retard and he fell in love with Courtney Cox. To the point that he would send her gifts. Clothes to be exact. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of clothes. Not good clothes. But cheap stuff you would buy from Century 21 on Eighty Sixth Street. Now all of this came out and my friend got really pissed. And he really started to hate Courtney Cox. To the point that whenever the video came on he would curse her out. Like he had Tourettes.

So one day we are in the Backlot and we are pretty toasted. I mean we had been drinking for hours and were on Sambucca and smoking big fat Cuban cigars. Now shots of Sambucca is what you drink when you want to just be obliterated as it is really really strong. And we are doing shots. Lots of shots. Only me and the English guy are still standing as they others are about out on their barstools. Anyway my buddy had borrowed his brother’s long silk scarf because he was freezing as he sort of dozed on the barstool as we were knocking back shots. Then the video comes on. Bruce is dancing away and my drunken buddy perks up and yells “You cunt” and falls back asleep. I was standing there rocking to the music when suddenly I got an inspiration. You see Bruce was wailing and he sang “You can’t start a fire without a scarf.”

So I set his scarf on fire.

I got your state's rights, right here.

There have many well know cases of ruptures between politicians and their children due to the stress of living a public life. The difficulties of Ron Reagan and Patti Davis with their family have been well documented and many of the children of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were estranged for most of their father’s administration. But the worse case of family squabbling can be found in the severed relationship of the 7th Vice President of the United States, John C. Calhoun and his daughter Rory. Although the Vice President had a loving relationship with his wife Floride they became estranged. First by the trouble she created when she to ostracize the wife of the Secretary of War John Eaton. She claimed that his wife Peggy had actually begun an affair with Secretary Eaton while still married to her first husband Justin Timberlake. Since President Jackson’s own wife Rachel had been the subject of vile rumors he did not take kindly to this friction in his Cabinet, he severely rebuked Vice President Calhoun and cut him out of all Cabinet meetings. This drove a wedge between Calhoun and his wife Floride which widened into a chasm when he misspelled the name of the new state he helped usher into the Union which was supposed to be called Floride but was misspelled as Florida. This wedge was further exacerbated when Calhoun began an affair with a young woman journalist from New York named Barbara Walters. Young Rory took her mothers side and they both left the crotchety politico to move to Stars Hollow Connecticut where they operated a bed and breakfast and stop on the Underground Railroad to infuriate the proslavery Calhoun. They spent the rest of their lives having meaningless conversations where they talked so fast and over each others voices so much that they were totally incomprehensible for the rest of their lives.
(Alice Roosevelt Longworth Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: The Sexuality of Political Children by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2008)

Where's the Beef?

The wildest of all political children was of course Alice Roosevelt. The daughter of Theodore Roosevelt and his first wife who died, Alice was a wild child whose antics entertained and scandalized the public. Known to drink, smoke cigarettes, bet with a bookie and ride in cars unaccompanied with men, Alice was a wild child who went to the beat of her own drummer. Her father had no control over her and could only try to influence her as best he could. While on a trip to Japan she began an affair with William Howard Taft who reputedly took her virginity. Alice was often quoted as saying she never felt so much like a woman until she was squashed under the bulk of hefty Taft. She ever after had an affinity for corpulent men and always would shout out when she entered a room: “Where’s the beef” which was later plagiarized for an advertising campaign. She eventually married the hefty congressman Nicholas Longworth who was the Speaker of the House reputedly because he had an extra big gavel and he really knew how to use it. She was great friends with President John F. Kennedy and is reportedly the oldest woman he had ever banged. She playfully called his penis Emily Spinach which was the name of her pet green snake that she kept in her days at her father’s White House. This was reputedly because JFK’s penis had turned green due to the medication he had to take because of his Addison’s disease. This affliction led to his obsession with the color green and was the impetus in naming his elite Special Forces units the Green Berets. On such strange occurrences our history is made.
(Alice Roosevelt Longworth Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: The Sexuality of Political Children by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2008)

What are ya gonna do with them Hogs, Dorothy.

One of the wildest of all political children was of course Eleanor Mondale the daughter of Vice President Walter Mondale. Born to progressive parents of the most liberal bent she enjoyed an active and varied sex life during her father’s term as Vice President. She was reputed to have dated many athletes and musicians but her most famous exploits were with the offensive line of the Washington Redskins. She was the person that gave them the nickname the “Hogs” which did not refer to their stature or physique or eating habits but rather to their large penises of which she was extremely fond. She became a byword around the NFL and the New York Giants nicknamed their blitz package the Eleanor Mondale which meant they had to go through the entire offensive line. And “Hog” has passed into the popular vernacular as a slang term for penis all due to the efforts of the inimitable Ms. Mondale.
(Alice Roosevelt Longworth Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: The Sexuality of Political Children by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2008

He was the son of a rail splitter, so to speak.

There were quite few rumors about Robert Todd Lincoln’s sexuality when he was a young man in the White House. While most of his contemporizes were on the battlefield he stayed behind to study law. Although he was eventually given a staff commission on General Grants staff at the end of the war, there was a constant drumbeat of criticism that the President’s son was not in uniform. President Lincoln always said it was because of his wife who became demented at the thought of losing another son as she had almost gone mad after the death of their beloved Thad. So young Mr. Lincoln stayed in the background shuffling papers and creating the North American John Hay Love association.
(Alice Roosevelt Longworth Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: The sexuality of political Children by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2008)

Tales of Kelly's Garden, Turn back Time edition.

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: It's not exactly danger, it's... oh, I don't know. Something oppressive... like thunder.
Bigwig: I know what it is. The lady in the cottage has some house guests.
Hazel: Who are they? Are they anyone famous? I love it when she has celebrities visit. Like that nice Justin Guarini. He has a haircut like a hedge row. You could hide in there all day.
Bigwig: It seems to be an elderly lady with her daughter. At least I think it is her daughter. I mean she has titties like a lady but she stands up to pee in the garden even though she doesn’t have a hose like the farmer. She just grabs her bottom and points it but it goes all over the place. That why she was so mad.
Fiver: I thought I heard her yelling before. Wasn’t she screaming “I need a dick” at the top of her lungs.
Bigwig: No that was the lady in the other cottage. This one was screaming that she wanted to grow a dick.
Hazel: Can you even do that?
Bigwig: I don’t know. But her mother would probably know. She seems to have had a lot of operations so she must know what the doctors can do.
Hazel: That’s terrible. That sounds just like the lady in the first garden where the old warren was set up. She had a lot of operations too. Do you think they are related?
Bigwig: No I don’t think so. And I don’t think that other lady had a lot of operations.
Fiver: I thought I heard she had a frontal lobotomy.
Bigwig: No I think she just wanted a bottle in front of me.
Hazel: Well that makes all the difference. So do you think they will sew on a new dick for that person?
Bigwig: I don’t know. They have been drinking all day and they just started singing.
Fiver: Really what are they singing?
Bigwig: Walk like A Man.
Hazel: Oh let’s go listen. I love the Four Seasons.

1969 Dodge Charger SE Commercial

Oh baby.

Where did they go.

I mean the miniskirts and the go-go boots of course.

Ricardo Montalban - 1975 Chrysler Cordoba Commercial

Fuckin' Fiat's don't come with fine Cornithian Leather.

1970 pontiac firebird commercial

This is the begining of tomorrow.

Oh wait. That was yesterday.

1966 Plymouth Barracuda car Commercial

Sports car. Family car. American car.

Where have you gone AJ Foyt, a lonely nation turns it's eyes to you.

1965 Chevrolet's Bewitching Bonanza

See back in the day America knew how to make cars.

And TV Shows.

Bewitched on Bonanza.

Hoss wants some of that strange from Anges Moorhead.

You do know that Moorhead was just a nickname right?

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Bigwig: Aren't you going to silflay?
Chervil: I don't silflay anymore sir .
Bigwig: What do you mean? All rabbits have to silflay.
Chervil: No I don’t make little pellets anymore. Now I pinch off a loaf.
Blackavar: [Mumbles] You better believe it. He leaves it all over the warren. Drops a load and then never cleans up after himself.
[Chervil swipes at him to make him speak up, and he does]
Blackavar: I... I...I can’t take it anymore. This has to stop. Noboby silflay’s like normal rabbits. They just squat and pinch a loaf everywhere and anywhere. They don’t listen to the conversation. They interrupt everyone and are only interested in themselves. Pinch a loaf here and pinch a loaf there. You can’t hop anywhere without falling into a greasy loaf left by the likes of Chervil.
[Chervil glares]
Bigwig. This might be a problem. I hope the new lady in the cottage won’t get mad if you leave your dirty loaves all over the place.
Blackavar: Well, I don’t think she will mind. I think she just came back from vacation. Her skin is very red and she is walking funny. You should see her ankles. They look like ripe young tomatoes
Chervil: I like tomatoes. But let’s not bother her so she doesn’t get angry. She seems happy most of the time.
Bigwig. Thank El-ahrairah, I just don’t want to have to move again.

Want some pie with that?

Hey Frank and Sammie and special guest that wise latino Trini Lopez. Check it out.

Give it a minute because the "kid" in the begining is kind of annoying.

"Get out of Dodge"

Sometimes you have to tell them. Get out of Dodge..

Hey I thought it was supposed to be invisible

Dr. Doom: Now I have you Sue Storm. Your days of laughing at me are over.
Sue Storm: Arrrrggghhh, Reed is that you …..where am I? Vicktor what are you doing?
Dr. Doom: You are in my control Invisible girl. My mind games have played tricks with you and now you are under my control. I am your doom Sue Storm.
Sue Storm: Help….Reed….Ben….Johnny…someone…help…Ooooh that tickles.
Dr. Doom: First you must change your name to Britney. Then we shall see what we shall see.

No Mr. Bond. I expect you to blog.

Auric Goldfinger: [to Bond, who is about to be cut in half by a laser] There is nothing you can talk to me about that I don't already know.
James Bond: Well, you're forgetting one thing. If I fail to report, others will come in my place. Trolls to be precise.
Auric Goldfinger: I had thought you would offer your services free of charge Mr. Bond. In fact I would think you would contribute to my super villain fund. I have Pay Pal you know.
James Bond: Why would I help you increase your ill gotten gains when you are already so rich?
Auric Goldfinger: You just appreciate the work that I do.Others do. You know I expect I would even win a poll. Oh well it will soon be over.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.

The Woman returns.

To Holmes she was always “The Woman.” The one member of the fair sex that could hold his interest. Now it has been reported that she has returned to society. I had to find out what he knew about this catastrophe.
I came into the room and he was drowsing in the corner with a meerschaum pipe in his hand and a glass of sherry on the credenza behind him next to his revolver and a Sumatra fetish box that I knew he kept full of cocaine.
“Well dear boy are you well?” I asked.
“What” the drowsy detective answered “Watson is that you. I am well. As well as can be expected. You see she is back. The Woman.”
“Zounds Holmes, not Irene Adler.” I exclaimed. “Didn’t you have her arrested when she attempted to assassinate the Queen?”
“Yes I did. But it appears that the dark forces that had employed her have affected her release.”
“How did you ever find out that she wanted to kill Her Majesty Holmes? By her demeanor you could never guess her diabolical bent.”
“Elementary my dear Watson. You see every woman who enters the Queens presence is always overcome with emotion. Often even their most private parts can not stand the excitement. They begin to make short little quacking sounds like a flight of geese on the Midland Moor. Or little yips like a pile of puppies freshly birthed in a yeoman’s barn. Except for the Woman. The twat was silent. That’s when I knew she was the assassin.”
“You mean…”
“Yes Watson, she was that twat that didn’t queef.”

Remembrances of Things Pabst.

One of the joints I used to meet my English friend (who married the popular girl) downtown was called Volks. It was on Trinity Place all the way downtown near the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel. Now it was a big time lunch place. Back in the late seventies and early eighties a lot of people in the back offices would go tie one on at lunch since they were so bored posting stock transactions. Computers were just coming in and it wasn't all trading all the time. It was a lot more relaxed. So a lot of people could get away with a liquid lunch.

Now as the name implies, Volks was an old school German joint which made it different than the run of the mill Irish joints we used to hang in. They had a full menu of brawts and schetizel and all that stuff. But what was really on the menu was the Spaten Munich wheat beer in the tall 22 oz. glass. You see they sold the wheat beer by the bottle and it just about fit in their tall glasses if you poured it perfectly. The bartender would put a slice of lemon in it and pour it out in one shot. Now there is a trick to it much like pouring a Guinness. His gimmick was if you could pour it yourself with all of it in the glass on the first shot you got the beer for free.Of course he wouldn't let you do that with the first drink when you had a chance. It would always be three or four beers into the night where you over confident and half in the bag since you downed all of that beer in about fifteen minutes when you just got in and was really parched.

Now since it was a lunch place the regulars would come in for one or two after work on a Friday but head home to Staten Island or whatever. So we would roll and start pounding the beers and the bartender wanted us to stay and spend because he could keep the bar open and maybe make some more money. Plus we were monster tippers and big spenders so they were always happy to see us.

Anyway, one day in the spring I got there and was feeling pissed because of stuff at work. My buddy was having his usual marriage problems and we just started pounding the beers. In a basically out of control way. The kitchen was already closed so all we had to eat were pretzels. We spent about four hours in there drinking fit to beat the band. Finally we started to slow down and they decided to close the bar. We staggered outside to get a cab back to Brooklyn. But as I was walking I slipped on the two inch curb and fell flat on my back right in the gutter. Didn't get hurt because when you are that drunk nothing hurts you. I looked up at my buddy and said "Sister Mary Francis was right all along, I ended up in the gutter."

Then I got up and we kept on drinking.

Just leave me to my Trolls, I vant to be alone.

Troll: Master, Richards has contacted you again…what should I do!
Dr Doom: Shut up you fool. I want no contact with him. I have divorced myself from contact with other human beings. They are not worthy of my notice. I am king of all I survey. None may gainsay me in my domain. Here I sit with you my faithful trolls. I need no other social intercourse.
Troll: Yes master…..can I tell him to suck my dick…that his life is just a suckfest.
Dr. Doom: Yes my pretty go right ahead and disrupt all of his communications. I will not stop you. Richards can complain all he wants. I do not deign to notice him. Facile conversation with intelligent correspondents bores me. That is why I prefer you my Trolls.
Troll: Thank you Master, praise you master….you are our precious….all praise to you.
Dr. Doom: Enough you swine….prepare my bath before I whip you to an inch of misbegotten life.
Trolls: Yes Master….I live to serve.

Everything goes better with Garlic and Chili's!

Today's food tip is one of the best things I have found to spice up any savory dish you might care to make. It is Huy Fong Foods garlic chili sauce. A mere teaspoon of this is like rocket fuel. Add it to your tomato sauce or use it when you are sauteing chicken or pork. Add it to a stir fry. Man the heat and flavor this throws off is unbelievable. Now you have to very careful how much you use because it is really overpowering so don't go crazy the first time you use it. Be judicious in it's use and you will have found one of the most useful flavor added sauces in your cupboard.

You can generally find it in the oriental foods section of your bigger grocery stores or I guess you can get it direct from the company. But trust me, it will really enhance the flavor of you roasts and meat dishes immeasurably.

Super Villians are bad news

Super villians can be scarey. But you have to stand up to them and you can't let them win.

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport Davie. I gots to go to Orlando for the next game in the finals.
Dave the limo driver: Why do you want to go there Eddie? It looks like it is over. How can they come back now that the Lakers are up two games to none?
Eddie Curry: I knows that Davie. I figure if I show up Orlando will remember me and make a trade to get me on their team. That Howard is just a chump and a lot of PR man.
Dave the limo driver: PR like that broad they just put on the Supreme Court?
Eddie Curry: No you fool, PR like public relations. He ain’t no puertro Rican. I think the skinny bitch on the Lakers is one though. And it ain’t that kind of relations neither. Not the kind where I knocked up my baby’s momma behind the middle school.
Dave the limo driver: That the one that got, got this year?
Eddie Curry: Yeah that the one. Anyway I am balls ass lucky anyways.
Dave the limo driver: How’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Well when I was in Chicago this big mean woman at the hospital kept hitting on me. She worked there or something and was married to some big shot. But he was on the down low and wasn’t giving her a little somethin…somethin and she was looking around and started checking me out cause I was there a lot. I got injured a lot you know.
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie. No shit. Just like in New York.
Eddie Curry: Yeah well I is careful that way now-a-days. I be watching where I put it. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Like you Kung Fu hanging from the closet pole. Com’on see if you can grabs it out my hand grasshopper. Damn my collar is tight.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Photo's can be deceiving.

I wish they would stop pimping that photo of Michele Obama looking daggers at Carla Bruni the President of Frances wife. I mean they just caught Michelle off guard. They really need to stop picking on her.

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, August 15, 1956
(Ted Williams and Johnny Pesky walk in after a Yankee, Red Sox game)
Toots: Hey Ted howz ya doin kid. To bad the Yanks kicked your ass today.
Ted Williams: Fuck you, you stupid jewboy get us a fuckin table before I pound you one.
Toots: How many times do I have to tell you I don’t like that kinda talk in here you ignorant meathead?
Ted Williams: What do I care you sheeny bastard. Just get me a table before I have my boy Pesky here give you a knuckle sandwich.
Johnny Pesky: Can I Ted, can I, I can do it Ted, I swear I can, let me at him, I’ll pulverize him.
Toots Shore: Shut up you midget fuck before I step on you and squish you like the bughouse cockroach that you are. Jeez why are all you Red Sox guys such assholes. Com’on there’s some people in the back you might want to say hello to!
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties)
Toots: Joe look who’s here. It’s Ted and his shoe shine boy.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Ted. Nice to meet ya. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and shakes with Ted, she nods at Pesky)
Ted Williams: Nice to meet you too. What are you doing with this lousy Dago! You can do a lot better doll!
Johnny Pesky (hopping around like a Chihuahua with a chili pepper up its ass)
Yes you could Miss Monroe, yes you could….Ted is the greatest…the best ballplayer in the world.
Joe DiMaggio: (takes off one of his world series rings and starts to shine it with a napkin, he looks up and smiles)
Toots: Hey lets siddown and have a couple of pops.
Marilyn: That sounds like fun. (Marilyn sits down opposite Ted, and as she does her legs are slightly open. She is not wearing any underwear) So Ted you have a very large head do you know that? I love good head.
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe?
Joe DiMaggio:
Ted Williams: Thanks Marilyn. I like good head too.
Johnny Pesky: (whispers under his breath) She ain’t got any underwear on Ted, nothing I swear, look it looks like a guy with a beard eating a piece of liver.
Marilyn: No wonder they call you Pesky. Joe they are starting to bore me.
Joe DiMaggio: (looks over to another table where Frankie Carbo is sitting with a few of the boys) Frankie?
Toots: Oh shit Joe, no trouble please.
(Four of Carbos guys grab the two Red Sox players by the arms and give them the bums rush out the door)
Ted Williams: I get you for this you fucking wop bastard…you too you dirty hebe ……hey take it easy.
Marilyn: Don’t hurt his head; it might be only thing he is going to have left someday. Hee.

On the Planet Mongo!

Ming the Merciless: So earth man. You feeble resistance will avail you naught. You are totally under the power of Ming the Merciless. Your bones will litter Mongo.
Dale Arden: Oh Flash what will we do?
Flash Gordon: Don’t worry I will figure a way out of this. We must resist the might of the evil ones. If I fall the resistance must continue. Don’t be like those who are afraid to speak out. Fight the tyrant.
Princess Aura: What are you going to do with him your Majesty! He is too tasty to just kill out of hand.
Dale Arden: Leave him alone Princess Oral, he’s mine.
Princess Aura: That’s Aura you skanky bitch. And it is up to the Merciless one. Of course he really had no mercy he would let him bone your boney ass.
Ming the Merciless: Silence you foolish women. The earth man must die. But first, a little Mongo.
Flash Gordon: Oh crap.

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene explains what Marilyn's problem was all about!

Oh now I get it. The problem was all about Marilyn's hole, so to speak. I mean it is kind of big and in a strange place. No wonder she couldn't keep a man.

Tough luck kid.

The game is a foot!

“Come Watson, hail us a cab, we must be off.”
“Straight away Holmes” I went and hailed us a hansom and as we settled in and I asked
“Where are we going?”
“To the Diogenes Club, I have an urgent summons from my brother.”
It must have been truly a matter of life and death if Mycroft Holmes had bestirred himself and contacted his brother for aid.
We arrived at the club and were ushered into a private dining room where the corpulent capitalist was enjoying a small repast of a steak, potato, and a roast turkey.
“Come in, come in and sit down. I trust you are well” said the rotund raconteur.
“Never mind the pleastries brother” snapped Holmes “Why have you summoned me.”
“Well I am afraid she is back. And she has combined forces with your old enemy Moriarty.”
“No, not she who can not be named.” I shuddered.
“Yes Watson, why did you think I am leaving pursuits of my teaching of art to winsome young lads and dabbling in the perfume trade. I felt I had to warn you. She has already alienated the Red Headed League and destroyed the dreams of the young solicitor who had worshiped her from afar. I can only serve as a warning mechanism. But my poor utterances are dust in the wind. Only you brother can hope to stop her evil reign.”
“I think not Mycroft.” sighed the saddened detective. ”I fear for the world with two such evil masterminds working in concert.”
"Yes brother," huffed the wheezing Mycroft "I believe that fear of she who can not be named will stifle even the very comments of a free people. They live in fear."
"Say it is not so" I said."Is there no hope?"

He even had a razberry beret!

Prince Thun : Ming is merciless and all-powerful. He can only be taken by surprise.
Flash Gordon: He'll be surprised alright
Prince Thun: He seduced my consort Appolonia. I mean I was banging Shelia E at the time and I traded her in for the bald headed Irish skank but still. The dude is merciless.
Flash Gordon: I have only one question.
Prince Thun: What’s that Flash?
Flash Gordon: Where the hell did you get a purple space suit? Nice fucking hat by the way.

He's the man with the Golden Touch!

Such a cold finger, enter his web of sin!

You want to see Invisible buddy?

Sue Richards (the Invisible Girl) Reed why are you still on the computer? When are you coming to bed?
Reed Richards: I was just trying to email Victor. I still want to see if we can become friends. If we can salvage our friendship.
Sue Richards: Victor. Victor Von Doom. But he is a super villain Reed. Your mortal enemy. He wants to destroy you. Ever since college he has been jealous of you. Why would you want to contact him?
Reed Richards: But we had collaborated on so many projects. People marveled at our posts and comments on our scholarly papers. People were entertained by our collaborations. But he kept demanding money and contributions. Almost as though he was deserving of tribute. Like some sort of despot. And he is so rich. I didn’t understand it. And he tolerated some fools who would post repetitive and abusive screeds on our scholarly works. It besmirched our collaborations to the point that I had to break away and do my own research.
Sue Richards That may be so. But now he only spews hatred and vitriol throughout his writings. You can’t get him back Reed. Come to bed.
Reed Richards: In a little while Sue.
Sue Richards: Is it because you have been having too much elasticity in little Reed? I mean that happens to a lot of men even superheroes. I mean look at Iron Man. He should be called Putty Man cause he sure don’t have any Iron in his pants.I mean he is banging that skinny bitch and she is always cleaning her colon or something but still. Com’on I bet you can stretch it out right if you really concentrate.
Reed Richards: Please Sue stop pressuring me!
Sue Richards: Well Mr. Fantastic you better be stretching yourself the way I want or my vag is really gonna get invisible, let me tell you.

The games a foot Watson!

I had just wheeled in the tea service that Mrs. Hudson had left at the top of the stairs. Holmes was lounging in his armchair in his tattered smoking jacket reading the Times right below the pockmarked walls in which he had shot a patriotic VR with his revolver.
He grunted.
“What it is Holmes?”
“The games a foot Watson.”
“However do you mean Holmes?”
“In today’s agony column of the Times. An advertisement from that master of evil.”
“You don’t mean….”
“Yes Watson I afraid it can be only one man. Moriarty has returned.”
“But that’s impossible Holmes. He is dead. Died at the Fall’s. You said so yourself.”
“It can only be him Watson. Listen to this advert. ‘Elderly Fops who live as a couple require Latin houseboy with low morals and knowledge of cocaine. Apply 221 B Baker St.’”
“Why that is monstrous Holmes! What could he mean? Living as a couple?’
“Really dear boy. Confirmed bachelors sharing quarters for so many years can only lead to speculation.”
“But I was married Holmes.”
“Elementary my dear Watson. A brief marriage to Liza Minnelli Doolittle does provide you with bona fides. Look at Peter Allen. But enough of this foolishness. His intentions are clear.”
”Why did he direct attention to us Holmes? What can it mean?”
“It is clear when you use his Binomial Theorem to analyze this post it is clear that he is implying that we molest chickens here at Baker Street. He is using his massive intellect to smear our good name.”
“And he a mathematics professor!”

Who is your favorite Super Villain?

Next up, who is your favorite Super Villain?

Now the villain is more important than the hero in a lot of stories. Without a good villain it becomes a joke. Who is your favorite Super Villain?

Professor Moriarty the nemesis of Sherlock Holmes?

Doctor Doom the arch enemy of the Fantastic Four?

Ming the Merciless the anathema of Flash Gordon?

Goldfinger the worst of all the Bond Super Villains?

Blogger Lady the enemy of all the little people in the Blogosphere?

You make the call.

Jeeez all the guys at Dell must of voted!

Well our favorite type of food poll is over and once again Trooper's pick lost! I think all the guys and girls at Dell took a hand. Or there are a lot of 7-11's in Arkansas or something. The results:

Indian food 54

Mexican 20

Italian 18

Chinese 6

Greek 4

How that happened I just don't know. I guess I can't telegraph my pick to influence you guys to vote against me.

Next poll up, Favorite Super Villians.

Leave the First Lady alone!!!!

Why are they posting these ridiculus photo's of our most beloved first lady with so many shady characters. I mean really. Leave the first lady alone!

Hey that's not nice!

Hey that nutty Professor has a whole post about some picture they did of Judge Sotomayor in the National Review and the usual trolls are all out of sorts.

I mean it's just a freaking cartoon. No need to get all out of sorts and kill somebody. It's not like it's Mohamed or something.

This is how it really happend!

Here is the Northfield Minnesota Raid by the James Younger gang as depicted in the Long Riders.

No HIgh Noon bullshit. All of those square heads just got a gat and started blasting. Many of them were Union veterans of the Civil Way and were not going to cower in fear of a bunch of thieves.

I wonder what would happen today? Would the read them their rights? Search out the root causes of their criminal behavior? Have empathy?

Where have you gone Wyatt Earp, a loney nation turns it eyes to you?

You're a Whore!

Rest in peace David Carradine. Here is a clip from what I think is his best ;performance. As Cole Younger in the Long Riders.

The Long Riders directed by Walter Hill is one of the best Westterns made in the last thirty years. It is in my opinion very realistic. It tells the story of the James-Younger gang after the end of the civil war. It's depiction of the regional hatred and the clannish subculture of the day is right on the money. By using actual brothers to protray the gang they are true to the historical fact. The casual violence and the brutality ring true.

One of my favorite themes is illustrated in the depiction of the raid into Northfiled Minnesota where they blasted the crap out of the James gang. It was not any High Noon bullshit where everybody hid and let the marshal take care of it, everybody just grabbed a gun and started blasting.

David Carraidne's portrayel of a cool outlaw with humor and style was in my estimation his finest performance.

I'm.....back!

Well I am back from my little mini-jaunt to Florida. It was only a couple of days but let me tell you I am a creature of habit and I don't like changes in my routine.

We went too the beach and as I have said previously, we had a sun block accident. Normally I slather myself with 75 sunblock until I am entirely covered like a turkey that was basted in butter. The wife always mocks me but I tell her I don't care because I don't want to look like a rock lobster.

Well the wife decided not to pack the sunblock because we were traveling light because we were only going for a couple of days. I mean she had four pairs of shoes but the little bottle of sunblock didn't fit. When we got the beach my granddaughter gave me the sunblock 70 spray which looks like that Pam spray you use to grease up a pan before you make eggs if you are a lazy bitch and don't want to melt butter. "It's great grandpa, just spray it on and you won't get sunburn." So I spray it on and try to rub it on the spots I didn't reach. Well we discovered later that because of the wind a lot of the spray just went out into the air and didn't do jack shit for me. So I have one area that's fine and other areas that are as red as Dennis Leary's face after a night of drinking.

Not quite as bad as the cutie in the photo but pretty bad. The worst is my ankles which for some reason are really burned. So it is torture to walk around and socks hurt like a sun of a bitch.

Thank God I am home safe in Brooklyn where the sun never shines too brightly. Now I am going for some panaele sandwiches and prosciutto balls for lunch. I deserve it. After being on safari.

Survivor, Fort Lauderdale.

Florida sucks!

Well I have been here one day and I already got a monster sunburn. The wife and the kiddees wanted to go to the beach. Now I am much more of a cool dark bar kind of guy. I have that pasty white Irish skin which is well suited for bogs and forests not the beach.

Now I normally bring 75 sunblock and slather it all over my body like I was buttering myself up to be baked. Which I am so to speak. But they had this new spray stuff to use and they swore it was just as good as the creme. Not so much.

Anyway I have slathered myself in aloe cream so I am ok. I am going to self medicate at dinner and I soon will be feeling no pain.

But don't think I forgot you guys. On our way to the beach we stopped at an alligator farm and I got you all a baby alligator. Just like my Uncle V did for me in 1965, Just email me your address so I can send one off to you. Just remember, when you get tired of it don't flush it down the sewer. We don't want anymore alligators in the sewers if we can help it.

Hey I am taking a break!

I am going to Florida of all places for a few days to bring the daughter and the granddaughter back to Brooklyn. Internet service may be spotty as I intend to sit on the beach and eat and drink beer. Back Friday night.

Keep the home fires burning. Well only if you eat that Indian shit. Something will be burning.

Anyway vote Italian.

Ciao.

I mean seriously, who want to eat Indian crap when you can have a deep fried calzone?

You guys really want that Indian slop when you can have a deep fried ham and cheese calzone from the House of Pizza and Calzone on Union Street. What's the matter with you, eh?

Here is a delicious calzone which as I am sure you know is dough which is folded over containing ricotta, mozzarella and some ham. Now at the House of Pizza they deep fry it in oil and it is just about the best thing you ever ate in your freakin' life.

Get real. Curry my fucking ass!

Smile when you say that partner.

In a thread about "The Man who shot Liberty Valance" our fellow Western and Wayne officiando An Edjamikated Redneck said...

I love the lessons in this movie; especially the way the shooting of Valance comes about.

Tom could have taken Valanace out at any time, and both of them knew it; consequently Valance kept his head when Tom were Tom was concerned.It was the pending shooting of Stoddard that caused, not to step out and face down Valance man to man as the code required, but to shoot him from ambush, so Stoddard could look good to the girl, teh girl Tom loved.

He broke the Code to keep the girl happy, something that wouldn't have happened had Tom stepped into thr street.And then he admits to the Pilgrim that he shot the man form ambush.

I have always finished that movie wondering; did he really shoot Valance, or did he make up the story to keep Stoddard in the race for represenative?Not that Tom wasn't capable of the shot, but was he capable of the ambush?

I have a slightly different take on this. You see John Ford had met many of the actual cowboys who had lived during those days. Hell Wyatt Earp was hanging around Hollywood until the twenties so Ford got some first hand accounts of what it was really like in the West. The men who built empires and cattle ranches were hard men. They didn't have fancy notions about a "code" and you have to meet out in the street face to face and that Hollywood bullshit. Most violence was spontaneous and messy. A lot like the fights in the TV show Deadwood and the violence there rang true. A straight up gunfight was pretty unusual. Certainly facing a guy out in the street with the whole town hiding behind water barrels and fence posts. The actual historical murder of Wild Bill Hickok was a case in point. Jack McCall just walked up behind him and blasted him in the head. That was the norm not the exception. The murder by Dan of the one eared outlaw on the stairs was also more the way it was. He just pulled out his blade and slit his troath. If you read historical accounts you would be amazed at the number of shots fired and missed in these "gunfights." I think the violence in the West has a lot more similarity to drive-bys by the Crips and the Bloods then it does to the beginning of "Gunsmoke."

My favorite "Gunsmoke" episode didn't even have Matt in it. It starred Buddy Ebsen as an old mountain man who's daughter or granddaughter was raped by a band of outlaws passing through. Newly was covering for the Marshal so he goes on the trail of these outlaws but the old mountain man ( a Jim Bridger/Kit Carson style figure) is always one stop ahead of him killing those guys one at a time. No fuss. No muss. No big show. Like shooting pests. Or killing bugs.

One of the most interesting discussions of this is in a book by Louis Lamour called "Bendigo Shafter." I highly recommend it to Western Fans. Now Louis Lamour practically patented a lot of Western Cliches so I don't claim by any means that his stuff isn't mostly Hollywood. But in this book the hero, "Bendigo Shafter" is a lawman who is stalked by an old mountain man and outlaw called Stacy Follett. He is a regulator and assassin who regularly shoots people in ambush. His eventually decides not to kill Shafter and they actually become friends. But his discussion of these themes is very interesting and worth the look. It is my favorite book by the dean of Western Writers.

In the end, I think Tom did kill Liberty Valance and the newspaperman just got it wrong.

Remember: "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."

Or as Tom Doniphon would say: "The only thing worse than a journalist, is a lawyer who becomes a Senator and steals my girl."

Dust Bunny Queen explains it all!

Hey there is a great comment on Professor Althouse's blog about marriage by Dust Bunny Queen. Here it is in it's entirety:

There is always meeting at home during the day. Nooner!!

Makes the rest of the work day much nicer.

As to Pogo. Why marry? Maybe it is my older perspective but it seems to me that marriage should be, in addition to love and sex, but probably more importantly a long lasting partnership and friendship.

I consider my husband my best friend, the main person in the world who I can lean on for support and comfort,

Who I trust completely

Who has my back

Who will defend my person, my honor and my character

Who I can laugh with, share inside jokes, enjoy peaceful times, share a cocktail on the deck, read books together, listen to music or just sit in silence.

Who accepts my faults and admires my qualities (such as they are)

Who also accepts that as we age we change, physically and mentally and still find each other sexily attractive despite it all.

We are a team.

I know he feels the same about me.

I'm sorry that young guys don't seem to be able to find this and see no value in getting married. Maybe it's youth? Maybe it is the changing culture where people are told to expect perfection? In any case it is a shame, because a good marriage is heaven on earth.

I just want to say that sums up how I feel almost exactly! You know that Dumb Plumber ain't so Dumb afterall. Just sayn'

Laura Bush's Diary

So when the twins and I got home from the roller derby I noticed that the message light was on the machine for my private line. Now not many people have that number and I wanted to check it out. But I had to wait until the girls went to bed before I checked it because you never know who it might be. I mean if Gorilla Monsoon or Chief Jay Strongbow were calling who knows what they might say you know. Especially since my sweet Gorilla has passed away and all but you know that Nancy Reagan has all these connections so you never know what she might cook up.

Well after a couple of six packs and a few spliffs the twins started yawning and they went to bed. Now who could it be but Hillary? She was going to be in Houston on the weekend and she wanted to meet up. You see we had important First Lady Underpants business.

Now as I have told you the Traveling First Ladies Underpants is handed down from First Lady to First Lady ever since the days of that raddled old whore Dolly Madison. Not every first lady was deemed worthy of course, Mary Hoover wouldn’t let Eleanor Roosevelt get her sticky hands on them or they would have stolen by that Hitchcock bitch that had her fingers in everything Eleanor did. So to speak. And Betty Ford refused to give it over to Roslyn Carter because she probably would have made it into a quilt or some such other foolishness.

And the First Ladies Traveling Underpants has been an important talisman throughout American History more for the tragedy that occurred when the First Lady forgets to put them on. Mary Todd Lincoln went mad because she neglected to wear them that night at Fords Theatre and Lucretia Garfield was devastated when she didn’t wear them to cover her second vestigial vagina and her husband was assassinated by a disappointed orifice seeker. So it is vital that a First Lady has access to these magical Underpants to protect her man and the nation.

Now at first Hillary and I both agreed that we should wait to see if Michelle was worthy. She seemed very arrogant and angry from afar and of course Hillary had a few dustups with the Obama’s on the campaign trail. So we agreed to wait for the first one hundred days to go by before we made any decisions. I guess that is what this meeting is all about.

Well I will be going in to see her this weekend in Houston. I think I am in favor of passing them on but I do want to get her input. But most of all we have to sure of one thing. We don’t want Michelle to tell Barry about them. I am afraid he might want to put them on himself. And we can’t let that happen. The last time a President did that was James Buchanan and we ended up with the Civil War.

We just can’t take that chance

I'm telling you, Apu is messing with our heads man!

How the hell is Indian food winning in our poll. I guess I let the cat out of the bag when I said I hated Indian food. Which is ironic since they probably cooked the cat to make that slop.

Let's go start voting for something else.

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: To the airport Davie. I gots to go to Chicago and meet with Donnie Walsh the general manager at the gm meetings.

Dave the limo driver: Why do you got to meet with him Eddie?
Eddie Curry: I want to convince him to let me stay with the team. He is gonna try to sign Lebron James and I want to stick around.

Dave the limo driver: But I thought Lebron is on Cleveland?

Eddie Curry: He is but the Cavs just lost and Cleveland has gots to be looking pretty shitty rights about now. I mean who in their right mind wants to move to Ohio anyways?
Dave the limo driver: I hear Ohio is cool. They have lots of flowers and pretty dogs and funny looking white people you can stare at and make fun of and stuff. I mean it ain’t New York but it is kind of cool.
Eddie Curry: Well when Lebron is a free agent next year they want to convince him to come to New York. That’s where I can help.
Dave the limo driver: How’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Well look at all the monies they be paying me and I ain’t done shit the last two years except get fatter and more depressed and make Isiah wants to kill hisself. Think how much they be paying Lebron cause he actually play. But one thing Davey?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.

Eddie Curry: I ain’t like the Knicks no way no how. You gots to earn your money with Eddie Curry. Touch it Davie. Touch it like you wants to earn your paycheck bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Crains wakes up and smells the coffee.

The is an interesting article in Crain' New York Business.com entitled "Plus sizes a fashion victim." In the article it talks about the fact that most of the designers and department stores have cut back on their plus sized departments because of the recession. They quote the fact that plus sizes "cost 10% more than standard lines and require additional fabrics and special fit models and patterns." All of which is true but the real fact is that they don't want to be bothered in the first place. There is a lot of money to be made but a lot of designers scorn plus and don't want plus women to be wearing their clothes. It is a fashion prejudice pure and simple. Many designers will just grade up from a missy pattern to sizes 10 through 16 and have a plus size that is totally off. So they get complaints about their fit and feel it is not worth it. That is why we only stock the few lines that do it right. With "plus" fit models and the proper grading. And it is why we have been very successful with the small private label line we have been developing with Olivia Harper that has really been selling remarkable well. This is clothing for the business woman from 30 to 50 years old who is from a size 10 to a size 28. So I hope more people will search us out at Lee Lees Valise because we have the clothes for them. If only they will look for them.

Tales of Kelly's Garden

Fiver: There's something very queer about the warren this evening
Hazel: Is it dangerous?
Fiver: It's not exactly danger, it's... oh, I don't know. Something oppressive... like thunder.
Bigwig: I know. It is very quiet but the air is heavy and it feels like something is going to burst out. The lady in the cottage has gone away.
Hazel: What do you mean she has gone away? We just moved here.
Bigwig: Well the lady in the cottage has left someone to sit at her house while she is away. She is what they call a subsititute.
Fiver: I thought those were the ladies who wear all the make-up and those short shorts down by the truck stop near the highway.
Bigwig: I don’t think so that must be some other kind of tute.
Hazel: What is this new lady like?
Bigwig: Well she sings just as nice as that other lady. But she is kind of strange. She talks to herself all the time and last night she got all upset. She started throwing things around and yelling that she hated everything. It was scary.
Hazel: That’s terrible. That sounds just like the lady in the first garden where the old warren was set up. Do you think they are related?
Bigwig: No I don’t think so. This one doesn’t put that smelly stuff on her hair. And she doesn’t have so many men writing her letters. She seems shy.
Fiver: Yes I don’t think so either. I hope she doesn’t get all mean like the other lady. I hate to be dodging wine bottles again.
Bigwig: I don’t think this lady drinks at all.
Hazel: Well we will have to wait and see.
Fiver: What are we going to do?
Hazel: I don’t think we might have to move the warren. I don’t think this new lady will around for long. The other nice lady will be back soon, and everything will get back to normal.

Pilgrim, hold it.

Tom Doniphon: [Valance has tripped Rance in the diner, causing him to spill a tray of food] That's *my* steak, Valance.
Liberty Valance: [laughing] You heard him, Dude. Pick it up.
Ransom Stoddard: No!
Tom Doniphon: Pilgrim, hold it. I said you, Valance; *you* pick it up.
Liberty Valance: Three against one, Doniphon.
Tom Doniphon: My boy, Pompey; kitchen door.
[Valance looks and sees Pompey at the door holding a rifle]
Floyd: I'll get it, Liberty!
[Doniphon kicks Floyd in the face as he bends down to retrieve the tray]

Paid in advance.

Link Appleyard: Mr. Peabody's awful hurt and he needs you bad over at his office.
Liberty Valance: What's the matter, Mr. Marshal? Somebody have an accident?
Doc Willoughby: So that's it, another one of your 'accidents', huh Valance? I'm looking forward to the day when it's you they'll be calling me for.
Liberty Valance: [tossing Doc a silver dollar] Paid in advance