"You ridiculous, old-fashioned, jug-eared, lop-sided Little Caesar!"

"Why can't you hear what we are saying?"

"If there's anything in the world I hate, it's leeches - filthy little devils!"

"Get them off of me!!!!"

"Let's go home, Debbie."

I have to stop off on the way home tonight.

Look, you fools. You're in danger. Can't you see? They're after you. They're after all of us

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You give me powders, pills, baths, injections, enemas - when all I need is love."

What?

You expected rabbits or something?

My God.....what was that?

Make up your own jokes you insensitive fucks. Don't ask me to do it for you!

I will settle your hash buddy!

Man I love me some corned beef hash for breakfast. With an egg on top. With black coffee and some rye toast. That's eating. Here's a quick and dirty recipe:

6 large potatoes, peeled and diced
1 (12 ounce) can corned beef, cut into chunks
1 medium onion, chopped
1 cup beef broth

1.In a large deep skillet, over medium heat, combine the potatoes, corned beef, onion, and beef broth. Cover and simmer until potatoes are of mashing consistency, and the liquid is almost gone. Mix well, and serve.

2.Poach and egg until it is the consistency of a Wisconsin union guys brain and gently transfer it from the pan and settle it on top of the hash.

3.Brew up some strong black coffee and toast a couple of pieces of rye bread and then you have a party.

The Babe Abides

"Here you go kids. Cigars for everyone. Now you only get one because I don't want to stunt your growth."
"But Babe the doctors tell us that cigars are no good for us."
"Don't listen to doctors kid. They will kill you before you are dead. It's every Americans right to enjoy a stogie. They ain't never gonna stop that. This ain't communist roooshia or nothing like that. These came all the way from Cuba. One at a time now."
"Thanks Babe!"

Commentor Memories number 63- Crack needs a hug

He is especially needy this time of year. He hates it when Black History Month is over.

I am the coolest guy who ever lived in Wisconsin-Who am I?

Com'on. You know you want to take a bite out of this one.

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

"Ok you kids go off and play with your Aunt Eunice....I have to talk to your Aunt Marilyn....oh and don't tell your mother."

There are worse things than chastity, Mr. Shannon."

"I mean really. I know I signed up for a reality show but enough is enough. What...you are gonna pay me more....ok let me wipe so you can get a good shot."

Look where I'm going. I'm not staying in burlesque! I'm moving, maybe up, maybe down! But wherever, I'm enjoying it. I'm havin' the time of my life!

"So shut up and deal Hillary."

"Feed me!"

"No. Seriously. It doesn't matter I am going to throw it up anyway."

Yo bitch.. whose that girl?

She's in the news and not because she got a telegram. Yo.

Saturday Morning comes quick!

I usually open the store by myself on Saturday morning to give the wife a chance to catch a few hours more sleep. Most of our customers come later in the day and since she has to be on her feet all day the extra rest helps a lot.

But sometimes tourists are there when I open up. Last Saturday two girls were across the street when I walked up looking at piece of paper which must have been what they printed out from Google or something. I open and they walk in.

Now I have to find a way to connect with them because they might be uncomfortable working with a guy in a ladies dress shop. So I find a way to let them know I am a harmless knucklehead so they are more comfortable. I ask them where they are from and they tell me they are from Seattle. So I break into the theme song from "Here Comes the Brides."

"The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle . . . in Seattle"

They had no fuckin idea what I was talkin' about.

I am an old bastard.

If you are going to steal something...steal big!

Just sayn'

American Idol Recap (One day late..sorry I was busy)

So if you are tired of the piles of shit you get on other blogs you have to come here for your American Idol recap. This week they sing songs from their idols. Yeeesh.

First up we had chubby Georgia blonde teenage flirt girl who sings Shania Twain and stomps around the stage in cowboy boots and shouts and stuff. She gets a mixed but basically positive review and apologizes to Steven Tyler for her poor song choice and that she is still too young to suck his dick.

Next up is the white kid who tries to sing like a black dude. He picks Joe Cocker so he becomes a white dude singing like an English white dude who sounds like a black dude. Got that? There will be a test later. He did ok but he shouted a lot and he didn’t show much range but he is safe for this week.

Then we had the faux Diana Ross chick, who totally blew it. I mean she sang an obscure Diane Ross song when she should have gone full ass singing in Central Park Wolf Pack wilding style song like Evergreen or Endless Love or some shit like that. She sucked and she is most likely out. (I am posting this after the result show and she was the one who was out)

Oh did I mention that big time producers like Jimmy Iovine and Don Was are working with these kids? I think that is going to have a good effect on them.

Screaming tourettes Rocker dude did a great version of a Beatles Song: Maybe I Amazed. Maybe I amazed that he is that good but he might be in the finals. He has a great range and can really hit the high notes. He will be getting massive props from Steven Tyler so he might get a bounce from the judging.

Big chocolate Pudding Luther Vandross guy sang a gospel like “I think I can Fly.” Somehow I don’ think it is a good idea to sing songs by a child molester. But what do I know. He over emotes and I think they are praising him too much. He is going to be a crowd favorite who will lose.

Then there was the phony Rod Stewart dude who pranced around like he had a weasel in his pants. I mean he sang a Ryan Adams song and danced like he was John Adams or something. He should stick with the California ballads like the Eagles or some shit like that.

They have this tiny Philipina chick who sang “Smile” and who had no idea who Charlie Chaplin was. Not that she should know but if he was alive today she would be too old for him because he liked the twelve year olds. If you don’t believe me you can look it up. She was ok but got that deer in the headlights look at judging time so she is not long for the stage.

This blond chick did some Lee Ann Rhimes and sucked big time. She is very forgettable and will be out in the next couple of weeks. (She made the bottom three)

Then there were the two girls from the “Fame School.” The weird name chick did a Celine Dion song without the camel toe which is pretty hard because you need a tight fit on your vulva to hit those high notes. I think. The Spanish chick butchered a Selena song and looks weird when the judges said she screwed up. Something’s not right with her. (She also made the bottom three)

The Italian elf guy sang well but he has Jennifer Lopez in his corner so he has a little advantage. She praises him to the sky and that might influence some of the voters. He is likeable and an underdog so he might do well and last a long time.

Pumpkin headed Randy Travis deep voice shitkicker guy did a Garth Brooks song and knocked it out of the park. They are praising him now but soon they are gonna want him to get out of his comfort zone. I can’t wait till Disco night. That’s gonna be fun.

Finally we have the vaguely Muslim dread lock girl with the vampire teeth. She danced around like a maniac and they had lightning bolts and special effects so they want to keep her around for a while. When you get the pimp spot and special effects they are loading the dice.

So I think Diana Ross girl is out. (She was. Sorry I didn’t post before the results show).

We have new rules here!

Just be sure you pay attention!

Let me rephrase that!

In fact I am not going to say anything. Make up your own joke.

Let me rephrase that.

"Robin will be impressed with what I have between my legs."

"Let me rephrase that."

You're born that way?

People have told me that you know if you really love the fish taco right from the start. You just lean that way.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Whose that girl.....you know her you love her?

You've seen her here many times before. So check your mail and you will find the answer. Just sayn'

Private eyes,,,they're watching you!

"So what do you think?"
"I don't know. Do you think we can get in?"
"Sure. This is Wisconsin. I know this blond dame that can get us tickets. I mean she got her gardener in so how hard can it be."
"Say are you banging that Negro chick?"
"What's the fuck's the matter with you. This is the sixties."
"Sorry."
"They like to be called black."

The Babe abides

"Howyadoin Keed?"
"Howdy Babe, nice to make your acquittance partner. My name is Roy Rodgers."
"Say I know you. You're that singing cowboy right?"
"That's right Babe. I want you to know that I am a big fan."
"That's nice Keed. Say whose that girlie over there with the lasso?"
"Oh that's my wife Dale Evans."
"That's a shame Keed. I love a lady with a lasso."

On your toes you crazy dame!

"On your toes you crazy dame!"
"Don't worry darling I am always on me toes. I love to be on point as it were. Especially now"
"Why now?"
"Well you do have your finger up my ass."

Do Micro Waves Dream of the Baked Potato?

Or do they dream of electric sleep?

I knew so little of what I need to dream of when I was a kid. Will young lads feel the same way thirty years from now?

The Babe abides

"How ya doing Babe?"

"Real sore Keed. Can you get in those knots there. My back is aching."

"Sure Babe. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure Keed."

"Do you like gladiator movies?"

Posts? We don need no stinkin posts!

"We are bandidoes!"

"I'm going steady. And I French kiss. So everybody does that.Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it."

"Well that's good to know."

"Thank you Mr. President."

"Nice knee pads girls."

"If you build it, he will come."

"Who's that?"
"Waldo?"
"That's not Waldo."
"Oh shit why did we build it."
"Bummer man. Don't bogart that joint brother."

"Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?"

"Wait a minute." "Nevermind."

"Say it! Say it! Say 'I lost the nest-egg.' Go on, say it!"

"Shut the fuck up Jeff."

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are

"Wait." "It's Wisconsin." "There is no there, there." "No that's Oakland." "Wait this ain't Oakland. There ain't no black people. It's Wisconsin." "Damn that sucks for you."

"Norman. Come here. Come here, Norman. Hurry up. The loons! The loons! They're welcoming us back."

"The're here Norman. The loons. Look at their plumage. Wait what is that they are dropping?

Kotex?"

"I'm going to take a bath.""I'll alert the media."

"What?" "That's not my Kotex."

"You're still here? It's over! Go home. Go!"

Enough already. This is one fuckin boring movie!

Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole!

I know....I know I have to give credit. Let me go back to how you told me to do it.

I'm just lazy.

Camel Toe Corner...El Exigente Approves

Not only is she limber but she will stay awake. Coffee will do that to you.

A worthy addition to Camel Toe Corner.

Whose that girl? Lampshade on the head edition.

She has a lampshade on her head but you should still be able to figure out who it is.

She has been in the news lately but not for partying. So it is not Lindsey Lohan or one of Charlie Sheen's bimbo's.

Whose that girl?

SM Stirling is torturing me again!

He is posting snippets of his new work "Tears of the Sun" which is the latest volume in his superb series called "Emberverse II" that continues the adventures of Rudi Mackenzie and the rest of his friends in the battle against the false Prophet of the Cutters.

As you know he likes to post chapters of his new work as a come on for the next book and like a dope I fall for it every time and feverishly go to his site smstirling.com where you can read these snippets.

Hurry up dude. I am buying a Kindle and I want to put it on as soon as possible.

It's speeding up!

It's speeding up and we might have news soon. Things are peculating and speculating and spring will bring some very interesting times. Just Sayn'

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: I remember you Sir. Have you returned from the new warren?
Bigwig: No I will not be moving back here. You are well aware that I used to live in the warren here in the lady’s garden. But now I only come back to see what is going on and to avoid any trouble that might follow back to our new home. How goes it?
Hyzenthlay: Not well sir. It’s seems that the lady in the garden and her farmer friend have lost their minds.
Bigwig: What do you mean?
Hyzenthlay: Well do you know the big ant hill near the dung heap over by the barn.
Bigwig: Yes. What about it?
Hyzenthlay: Well it seem the farmer tripped and fell in it and disturbed and the ants got all crazy. They are swarming and making noise and running in and out of the anthill and it is really crazy. One seems to banging on a thimble like it is a drum and they are waving sticks and marching back and forth. They marched right up to the porch and are staying there and are refusing to leave.
Bigwig: But they are ants. Who cares about ants? They are insignificant. I mean you don’t want them at your picnic and all but who cares?
Hyzenthlay: Yes. I agree. But they seem to be very upset. The farmer took out his super 8 camera that he fished out of the neighbor’s trash to film everything in minute detail and the lady is yelling and screaming and scribbling notes like anything. She mostly writes about five letters and hour and puts them on her door. Yesterday she was screaming about napkins that people were leaving around. I didn’t see any napkins. Oh and they came from Texas for some reason. It is just too much now. She is just crying and carrying on like someone stole her carrots or something.
Bigwig: She can get crazy that way. Is she running around weeping in her underwear again?
Hyzenthlay: I am afraid so. She has scared all of the regulars out of the garden. The noisy blue jay has been gone for weeks and the grumpy badger doesn’t poke his head out of his hole more than once a week. The self involved crow and senile house cat are nowhere to be seen.
Bigwig: Are there any new people in the garden?
Hyzenthlay: Well there are always new people who wander in and out. There is slightly damaged squirrel with one leg who has been around. I think he is a pet of the lady or something because she seems to know him but doesn’t want to show it or let anyone else know it. He follows her around like she is a teacher or something. The only thing is that his fur is leaking or something so it looks like he got a dose of something bad and he wants everyone to catch it but it seems very skeevy and everyone is not interested.
Bigwig Wow things seem very lively. Oh no. She is running outside in her underwear again. I have seen enough. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig I will be back from time to time on patrol. I like to know what is going on. Hazel doesn’t like surprises. He will want to know. We might have to start passing out the sunglasses again. Nobody needs to see that.

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. But there some new and troubling developments made it such that I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in several of my missives, I or my agents have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. It seems that the Lady and her circle have turned their attention to the unfortunate state of affairs caused by the collection of ruffians and workingmen who laughing call themselves a union. Discussion of these trivial contrempts has dominated the conversation and correspondence of this circle to the exclusion of all others.

It is passing strange indeed.It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits. But a curious fact has emerged in the months I have been attending this gathering of simpering fops and angry misanthropes. I have come back again and again for many months as I find the ravings of the disturbed very soothing. Several of the former participants have also disappeared and no one seems to have noticed or commented on their untoward absence. An earnest young student who was a worshipful and devoted acolyte also seems to have disappeared without a word. Several musicians included a noted flautist have also vanished from these gatherings and their absence has been ignored by both Lady Chatterley and her consort. A grumpy and choleric ancient has also fled the scene never to be heard from again. In fact it seems that many of the former participants who were most intimately involved in the conversation have left under mysterious circumstances. Without the doyen of this group uttering the least inquiry or even a moue of regret regarding their sudden and unexplained disappearance.

But wonder of wonders it appears that the earnest young student has returned. He recently sent his first tentative missive which was greeted with great delight by some of the participants but which was of course ignored by the doyen of this establishment who does not deign to acknowledge anyone other than a favored few sycophants and toadies. Still the return of this long lost prodigal bodes well for the return of the famous Lord Douchebag.

I must pray to inform you that the intercourse among this tribe of outcasts and poor deluded souls remain most puzzling and I would like to formerly request that you turn you own prodigious intellect to the contemplation of this strange phenomena. If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I am glad to see that the unfortunate incident involving him and the double jointed lascar from the West Indies came to naught as this miscreant was indeed over the age of consent and his complaints could thus be dismissed out of hand as the importuning of someone seeking recompense for acts that he engaged in knowingly and for profit. I would also like to be so bold as to ask you to inform him that I continue to encourage my colleagues to purchase some of his etchings that he kindly offers to show to so many young people that he invites back to his rooms.

I remain as always,
You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
March 4, 1899

Hey I was 100% right so get me a freaking NCAA Bracket right now!!!

Every person I picked in my predictions was chosen for American Idol. They also have two others from the judges wild card picks but I can't believe I got every one right!

I mean it was pretty obvious who would get through so I can't claim to be all that smart. But it still feels good to know I have my finger on the pulse of America. So to speak.

Pictured from the top clockwise:

Screaming Tourettes Rocker Dude.

Chubby flirty Jail Bait Cutie who loves Steven Tyler.

Professional from "Fame" School with funny name and lots of teeth.

Jewish Guy who want's to pretend he is a sixty year old black dude.

One of them might be a finalist.

It's time for the Ladies of American Idol....and I don't mean Seacrest

Well shut the door and turn out the light and put on your Coat Tex and let's get cracking as we pick the five girls who will make the top ten.

First we have vaguely African very white girl who claims to be black in a tribal costumes who doesn't have a birth certificate. Did a nice version of "Summertime" in an Erika Badu-Ba-Ba-Loo kind of way. Unlike other people we can think of it looks like her Dad stuck around to be in the audience so she doesn't have to just dream of her father. He's sitting in the front row.

Then there was Cleopatra Jones Hair Diana Ross Channeling Diva performance girl with a big Oscar Gamble Fro. Let's call her the ironweightsironrails entry. She had a great stage presence but is super duper phony calling everyone sugar and honey and all that jazz which was great last night to show she was comfortable but might get tiresome after a while. Familiarity breeds contempt and over familiarity breeds a pissed off audience.

Then we have the smiley Jennifer Lopez sucking up Performing Arts Broadway girl who sang in both Spanish and English. She has some talent and is very slick and polished. If she gets an ethnic Spanish bloc voting for her she could get in but I call it borderline. But I am picking her because the other interchangeable blondes all fade into each other so she has a shot. I checked the bodega this morning and he was out of phone cards so you never know.

Then we have 16 year old chubby cutie who hit on Steven Tyler all season that sang a country tune and was praised to the skies. They love her and Randy called her a cross between Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood which is really big panties to fill let me tell you. She is a big time flirt and gets kinda distracted so she seem more like a cross between Lindsey Lohan and Kim Richards but we shall see. She should slide in on the goober vote as she is gonna go all country all the time. I can see her and pumpkin head Randy Travis guy singing a duet already while Tammy Wynette is spinning in her grave.
She is the only sure bet I think.

Then we have forgettable funny named girl with a lot of teeth. She went to the High School of Performing Arts in NYC with the aforementioned Jennifer Lopez suck up Spanish girl and she is very slick and polished. She had the pimp spot and sang well with a great flourish at the end. So she should get through but I think she will be out quick because she doesn’t seem to have much personality.

There are some dark horses like the Kendra Playboy girlfriend of Hef girl and the big horse face I think I am sexy but I am just scary girl. Along with a couple of babes who might want to hang themselves after they play back their performance. Especially the scary repeat offender girl from NYC named Rachel who is definitely out there in stalker land. Her next gig will be chasing DJ Paulie D on the Jersey Shore. I bet she already has a t-shirt to give him.

I think I have it right and we will find out tonight.

Simon is back at Althouse but Not at American Idol...wtf

Hey what the heck is up with American Idol?

They really shrunk the season down to nothing. I guess the ratings are down and they don't want to drag it out. What they did is they picked the top 24 with 12 boys and 12 girls. The boys sang last night and they are gonna cut seven of them. That's right seven! And the girls will sing tonight and get cut to five people. Then they will have the Top Ten of five boys and five girls.

That's knocking them out at the speed of light and really hurts someone who could build each night. Since so many of them are going to be gone by Thursday it is not worth it to go over each one of them. So I will only list my predictions of the top five boys today.

First is Pumpkin Head Randy Travis voice guy. He has a cool and easy old school country vibe and he will get the votes of all the NASCAR watchers, toothless goobers and Meade's relatives. So he should be safe for now in a big field.

Screaming Tourettes rocker dude guy should get through. He sang Judas Priest and can rock out all those Heavy Metal tunes right up until they get to Celine Dion night. Then again he can wear spandex and maybe get the camel toe exception. But he is safe for now.

Then there is the raspy voice Rod Stewart weird laid back dude. He might actually win because he has a very different voice. And he smiles a lot. A lot! So he should slide by just based on the praise he got last night. Even though he looks like a serial killer. He is a dark horse candidate to win it all.

Then there is big chocolate pudding Luther Vandross gospel crying gay black guy. He is the most talented and also the most over the top. He will be the favorite who will lose out at the end. I mean the guy is great but he is always over the top and over wrought like Meade at a demonstration or Simon at bath time at the Old Ladies home. (Gratuitous insult time).

Finally there is Cedarford's favorite the Jewish white guy pretending to be a black soul singer guy. He has all those jazz vibes and plays the base and emotes the shit out of it and got the pimp spot of going last so he should sail through.

The dark horse candidates are the Robbie Benson Jewish kid from Long Island and the red headed elf gay kid who everybody beat on who might get the tweener vote. In a big field if you have a voting bloc you might slip through. I just hope that the Nasty Future RuPaul Black Music teacher dude and the bug eyed midget Pilipino Karaoke douche both don't make it. If they are around it would make it very tough to sit through the first couple of eliminations.

All in all it is about as easy to predict as the fact that Meade will be getting the cold shoulder at the next faculty brunch. Check out the broads tonight!

Knockers on Heavens Door

St Peter: Well my good man lets us greet the day and see who has arrived to enter into the Kingdom of God.
Gabriel: Right on Daddio you are one Kool Kooky Kat! Hey look who is bopping down the chute baby!
Jane Russell :( slides down the chute to tumble in front of the Gates of Heaven) what the hell…..where am I ….and why do I look like I am twenty years old?
St. Peter: Why you have arrived at the Gates of Heaven my dear lady. I am St Peter and Gabriel and I are here to welcome you to the Kingdom of God.
Gabriel: That’s right baby doll you made the big time. You get to go straight on in and get a gig at the big show. No purgo or limbo or none a dat. You get the straight shot of my baby’s love.
Jane Russell: But why do I look like this? I am an old lady.
St. Peter: Not in Heaven my dear. You will appear in your perfect state…..the way you were most happy in life on Earth and can wander the wonders of Heaven for all Eternity.
Jane Russell: That is unbelievable. I had always hoped I could go to Heaven but I didn’t think I was worthy.
St. Peter: Well you have been judged worthy of entrance. Your good deeds have far outweighed you mistakes. Welcome my dear.
Gabriel: That’s right chica. Plus Jesus just loves the girls with big tits. So when you go inside look up Marilyn and Jayne Mansfield and Anna Nicole Smith and Mary Magdalene. You can find out where to get bras and stuff.
Jane Russell: Mary Magdalene?
Gabriel: Dat’s right baby. She has Melons as big as your head. So go right in. Oh and if you run in to Jesus you should offer to wash his feet. He has a feet thingy. If you do you will get a front row seat at the next show. Just sayn’

I can't get a handle on my time management

I have been so busy that I do not have as much time to post as I would like. So I am sorry and will try to do better.

The corporate tax return deadline is March 15th and I am way behind. So I need a little breathing room but I will get to the finish line soon enough.

Whose that Girl?

Ah who am I kidding?

You all know who she is. May she rest in peace.

I will have her kicking off a new series shortly when I have the chance.

It will be called "Knockers on Heaven's Door"........err I mean "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and it will be the oppisite of the "Hell Needs a New PA Announcer."

For the people we like.