American Idol 2015

Last night while I was at the wake my DVR got scrambled and combined CPAC and the girls section of American Idol. Here is my review:

Lovey – Generic blond who is no great shakes. She is rememberable for being forgettable. She is just an average voice and will soon be gone. Air bushed news bunny. Think Monica Crowley before she got laid.

Adanna – One of these chicks with the hard luck story who is trying her best but is really overmatched. She gave it her all and shouted her way through the song. She did much better in the Detroit vibe this week than she will do in a more sedate setting when talent counts. But she is safe for this week. Think Ben Carson with tits covered in feathers.

Alexis – This chick is in the running for the phoniest of phony awards. She is trying be both country and Latin and that doesn’t mix. Doesn’t she realize that Mexicans are taking away jobs from Country Music people? She is the Jeb Bush of this competition.

Joey – This the pretentious mook with the squeeze box and yellow teeth. She really grates. She sang a Keith Urban song in the style of Betty Boop. Think Jerry Brown with really bad teeth.

Katherine – She channeled Stevie Nicks and really sucked big time. The Rick Santorum of this year’s American Idol.

Shannon – This is the kid they tried to sell as the next Janis Joplin. She went soft and slow and it stunk out the joint. Will be gone this week. Think a thin Chris Christie. Or the little girl that Chris Christie really is in his heart.

Loren – This chick really sang great in the last round but stunk out the joint on the big stage. She really struggled and her notices went to her head and she thinks she can do whatever she wants and her fans will eat it up. Think Sarah Palin with more melanin.

Shi – This chick was the worst performance of the night. She has a great look and a great outfit but she can’t sing for beans. Great looks no talent. The John Edwards of this years Idol.

Maddie – This teenager does not belong. She is singing sexy songs when she is still jailbait. Think one of the girls on the plane with Bill Clinton on the way to a Caribbean vacation.

Sarina – Far and away the best performance of the night. She kicked ass and took names but was humble about it. The Scott Walker of this time round.

Jax – Very affected and mannered and in a style that I don’t care for but they are pimping her big time so she might be around until the final six. The Marco Rubio chair of affected singing.

Tyanna – Great personality with a mediocre voice. She will get a bunch of votes but fall short. Ted Cruz if he had a purple Mohawk.

This was American Idol. Seacrest out! (Or at least everyone knows he is a sword swallower so it is basically the same thing.)