Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

You don't know me but I think we have a lot in common. My name is Kim and I used to be married to a ballplayer. And he was just a player let me tell you. It was that piece of shit Art Shamsky who was a big deal with the freakin Mets thirty years ago. And he is still eating off of that shit if you can believe it.

I bet I was just like you when you fell in love. I loved being involved with someone in the public eye who everyone wanted to talk to because he was in baseball. I mean he wasn't a nebbish like so many of the guys I used to date and all the newpaper guys wanted to talk to him and he was on the radio all the time and it was so cool. But he couldn't keep it in his pants just like your Stevarino. He would bang anything on two legs. And some of them on four that filthy dog lover. Do you know he molested my puppy. Yes he did the pig.

So I know exactly what you are going through. You thought it would be all sweetness and light and instead it is all crap and dog biscuits. I think it is because they were associated with the dog ass Mets. I mean look at the Yankees. Jeter gets to bang all the hottest actresses and A-Rod is even getting into the act. And back in the day Joe DiMaggio was doing it with Marilyn Monroe.

It sure beats the hell out of Cleon Jones banging a crack whore in a van in spring training or Dwight Gooden and all of his teammates pulling a train on David Cone's leftovers. I mean who needs that. Stay away from the Mets that what I say.

That's why I am turning to the Giants. That's me with my new squeeze Brandon Jacobs. He is a Giant. In more ways than one. He really knows how to treat a lady. Hard. Dirty. Nasty. Did I say hard. Really really hard. See I am in a club with Khole Kardassian and a whole bunch of other skanky white girls who hooked up with hot black athletes. And it is true once you go black you never go back. Well you can't go back to Jewish guys cause they can't touch the sides you know?

Anyway I think you should get over Steve and come over to the dark side. Hee. I want to introduce to my friend Eddie Curry. He is a real nice guy. Very neat and considerate. You will really like him. And he has a limo.

Why not dump Steve and let Brooke have him. I think they were made for each other. And you can get yourself a nice big piece of chocolate.

Living well is the best revenge.

Toodles,

Your pal

Kim Shamsky

Please Dr Casey

"Why did we leave the hospital Dr. Casey?"

"Oh I couldn't treat you properly there my dear. And call me Ben."

"Well Ben what can you do where we going that you can't do in the hospital."

"A whole lot of stuff. A whole lot of stuff. Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Ok I like a good ride."

"Me too. Hey did anyone tell you that you look like Barbara Eden."

"It's just the scarf. And my hair color. Oh and my perky breasts."

"I think I have to speed up."

Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

I don't know how you are doing this ninja mind control on Steve and getting him to ignore my calls and emails. I mean I know you can block it with the help of ESPN who has that secret room in Bristol, Conneticut that we were never allowed in. I always thought it was where Chris Berman went to get his Cleveland Steamers from his production assistants but now I know it must have the mind control machine that controls the microchips that they implant in all ESPN personal. Otherwise how could you have so many of them picking the Phillies over the Yankees. So I know you are in cahoots with ESPN to block Steve's mind to stop him from contacting me.

Me. I know he loves ME. MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I wanted to give you a picture of what I looked like the first time Steve and I did it in the parking lot at Fenway Park. I am so hot. Steaming hot. Just like a Cleveland Steamer that Chris Berman had on his manboobs on Superbowl Sunday. I knew it was true love when he asked me to give him a lift to his hotel and as soon as he got in the car he grabbed my head and pushed it down to his lap and made me polish his knob and all. He said that was the best sex he ever had ....that day...but I know he meant forever and ever and ever.

I know Steve is at the winter meetings. They won't let me in the hotel and I am forced to stay out on the street with the autograph hounds and the groupies and Pete Rose. But I know Steve is in there using his contacts to get a new job with another team so he can use the expertise that built the Mets into the Juggernauts they are today. That's what he called my titties you know. The Jugger-nots. He liked them because they were meaty and healthy and not phony like the ones he had to buy for you. Bitch.

So this is the last chance I am giving you. If you don't let Steve call me I might have to do something drastic. So think it over. I am sure you will do the right thing. If you want to make it to spring training.

Toodles,

your pal,

Brooke Hundley

Please Dr. Gannon.

"Please Dr. Gannon I have to get back to work. So many shut-in's and mental defectives are counting on me."

"I'm sorry dear but it was a difficult operation to remove you foot from your mouth, you will need some time to recuperate before you go back to your normal activities."

"Well I guess you are the Doctor, Doctor."

"One thing though."

"What's that?'

"It would be a lot easier for you if you didn't keep going around with your head up your ass...just saying."

Send out your prayers to Michael H

It's not often that we are serious here at Trooper York, but I just found out that Michael H is taking care of some very important stuff health wise and he could use all of our prayers and good wishes. I now he will speed down the highway of recovery on his cool motorcycle with his very cool wife and will be back busting balls here pronto.

Michael is one of the good guys and he really gets it. His good humor and sense of fun have been a delight from his very first comment and I always search out his posts for their wit and wisdom.

So get well soon you big lug. I even hope the lame ass Packers win this week so it will cheer you up!

Please Dr. Welby

"I think she's gone Marcus."

"What do you mean she's still warm."

"Yes but you will never revive her."

"Oh I don't care about that, I just want to cop a feel. I was married to the ice bitch Jane Wyatt for so long I get whatever I can whenever I can....want a taste?"

Avast you dirty pirate whores!

Capt. Sir Henry Morgan: I wish my nature hadn't changed. I'd have made that whole assembly walk the plank.

Jamie: Can't go wrong drowning politicians, Henry.
Jamie: You can lower your pistols, Lady Margaret.

Margaret Denby: Unfortunately, I have no pistols.

Jamie: Your eyes. I've looked into pistol barrels that are warmer.

Oy my little yiddisher pickel!

"What ricpic you have forgotten me so soon."

"Never my little babtka. You will always be my little Geschmak dumpling. You always only you."

"But you said you avoided a stroke....and I know you have been taken a few strokes looking at my photo's on the internets you Fachadick Shmeckle!"

"Please baby don't get angry you know I love you."

"Well here's something to remember me by you shmuck.....never had a stroke, HA!"

Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

I see that Steve is out of sex jail and he is going to the general manager meetings. And you are not with him. I know you can never keep us apart. I don't know how you manage to block all my calls to him and it is no fair how you gave my picture to all the hotels so they won't let me in the lobby.

I know that Steve wants to see me. I mean he said I was his perfect little catcher. I mean I was happy to squat on him if it made him happy. It hurt a little because he always forgot to lube up and pine tar doesn't work all that well. If you don't believe me ask Robbie Alomar. But it was still the best that he ever had. All three times we were together in the parking lot. Not everyone can make the beast with two backs in an Acura. Steve always said I was very limber.

I know Steve will get a job. He is just so talented. I mean he knew that A-Rod would never make in New York and win a championship. He is so much better than that Mexican guy the Mets have now. I mean what kind of name is Omar anyway. He sounds like one of those terrorist type guys. He might blow up the Mets at any moment.

I want you to tell Steve that he better call me. I am getting impatient. I need him and I need him now. I can't get through the night just watching my DVR tapes of baseball tonight with my little friend. I am out of work now and batteries are really expensive.

I don't want to have to come up to see you again. I mean you are just getting used to your new mailman. Don't make me do something I don't want to do. I have been talking to Kim Shamskey and she has been giving me some pointers.

So make it happen bitch or you will be sorry.

Toodles,
Your Friend
Brooke

Please Dr. Gannon

"I am sorry Nurse but due to cutbacks we are going to have to let you go."
"But what will I do Dr Gannon. I have no skills other than nursing. And I like to write."
"Well then maybe you should do that. And you can still nurse."
"Really nurse what?"
"A grudge. That is really what you do best."

Please Dr. Casey

"Please Dr Casey, will you continue grand rounds with the medical students?"
"I don't feel like it Dr. Zorba. Why don't you go dance or break some plates or some shit like that?"
"I told you Casey, that is an entirely different Zorba. Now come on before I have to fire you and hire that fanook Kildare."
"I don't know. If you aren't gonna bring me any whiskey, beer or gin.....well maybe you can bring me some water."
"Look that is another entirely different movie you douche. I think I am gonna give Joe Gannon a call."
"Who the fat guy?"
"That's an entirely differ....oh shit forget it!"

Please Dr. Welby

"Please Dr Welby, I need those birth control pills. All the kids at school are doing it and I can't be left out."
"No Bridget you don't mean that. So what if everyone else is doing it. You don't want to be like them."
"Yes I do. I want to do it with my boyfriend. If I don't he will leave me for the hussy with the red hair who will do it with anyone."
"Now, now you are not thinking right. Plus no contraceptive is 100% effective. You are taking a chance at getting pregnant and ruining your future."
"Well Dr Welby if you don't give me the pills I am going to run away to Seattle to live with the Starsky and Hutch guy and the Keith Partridge impersonator."
"I just can't do it Bridget, but perhaps I can offer an alternative."
"What's that?"
"Well didn't you learn how to play the recorder in your freshman music class?"
"Yes, yes I did. I learned to play the good ship lollipop."
"Well that will be very helpful. I want to teach you a new technique that will help you keep your boyfriend. I call it the Beohm maneuver. Lock the door."

Return of the King!

"Stop the Car Captain Chaos, I thought you were retired."
"I never said I quit Sister Mary Elephant! I was just resting. On my laurels. And my divan as illegal immigrants fed me grapes and massaged my cuticles."
"Well you better know you can't drive this vehicle. And there are a lot of back seat drivers who are gonna make a lot of stupid comments that are gonna piss you off. BUt know one thing. This car can only go where I want it to go....and no further. So you are here at your own risk."
"Don't worry sister, just hold on tight and watch me go....."
"SSSSSSSSHHHHUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fashion Emergency

What a busy day we had today!

We got a panic call last night at around six pm from What Not To Wear. They had a subject who was in our size category and they didn't know it. You see they don't find out what the person really looks like until they actually get to New York. So when they actually see her they see all the issues that they have to deal with. So they don't call Gostbusters....they call us.

The girl was at the very bottom of our size scale and fit in our zero's or double zero dresses. But she had a basic pear shape and needed some A-lines and empire waist dresses. She got the dress in the photo above which is the Lauren dress in rust polka dots. This dress is very very popular with the African American girls and we were lucky that we had one in her size. She also got our West Side Story dress which is a great dress that will probably be an "reveal" outfit at the end of the show.

She also got a great belt to accessorize the dresses and some cool jewelry. We are never shop day one but they needed to come to us and we are very grateful that they did.

This episode is scheduled to lead off the next season starting in January which is great because they promote the crap out of it. Good stuff.

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"There is no way this can be correct."

"I am afraid that is right. I know you might find it hard to believe but the paperwork doesn't lie."

"It's simply impossible. No way Jose. Or Pedro. Or whatever the fuck your name is. It is just not possible."

"I am telling you it is correct senor. You order a pastrami on rye with mayonnaise. It says it right here."

"Do I look like a rube to you. A yokel. DO I LOOK LIKE I COME FROM WISCONSIN!!!!!"

"No then you would have ordered it with cheese."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Excuse me Miss Invisible Lady."

"Go away Pugsly. And stop staring at my hooters. Go buy yourself a Catwoman blow up doll like the rest of the freaks."

"But I want to ask you a question?"

"Victor, why are we stuck at this lousy autograph show? When I dumped Reed you promised me the life of a Princess. What happened? Why am I in the Rio Hotel like fucking Phil Helmuth and the other poker douches?"

"But Ms Invisible Girl....But Miss...."

"WHAT YOU LITTLE FREAK! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"I want to know why you have leather suspenders strapped to your cootch?"

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Wait, wait a minute!"

"No get away from me you freak!"

"Wait I promise I heated up the thermometer."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Yes I am afraid it is true Stephen. If you marry that loud mouth bitch of a singer your testicles will shrink to the size of M&M's."

"But you don't understand Marcus, I love her."

"Why can't you just let Consuelo give you a dirty Sanchez and forget about it. That's what I do."

"I can't help it. She is the one for me. You know me. I am a sucker for show tunes."

"Hey that gives me an idea about a very special episode."

"Oh not again Marcus. I don't want to stir them up again. Can't you just let them watch Dr. Kildare and leave us alone. I mean he's their kind of guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"I think it is too late."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"But I don't understand Dr. Kildare, what do you mean I have strange disease that never makes me look sick but will kill me at the end of the episode."
"Yes I afraid it is true Sally. As Nurse Nubile has told us, the lab results confirm it. They call it Kay Lenz disease. But you need to stay strong."
"Oh Doctor you are so compassionate. Would you like to come into the closet and make out with me?"
"Please Nurse Nubile. I a doctor. I must remain a professional at all times. If I am in the closet I will be there by myself. After all it is 1967."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it!

"You have an incurable pompadour."
"Maybe I can stop it Nurse Roberts. 30 cc's of Brylcream stat!"
"I am sorry that just won't cut it Dr. Casey. Witch Hazel, Brylcream even Dippity Doo will not help. I am afraid you are stuck with it. But then you are Italian so what do you expect?"
"I know....let's have sex."

So if you were really sick and you needed a Doctor who would you call

You know I get a lot of complaints that I never cover politics or current affairs here at Trooper York, because as you know our focus is on stupid shit. So I feel I should tackle the important issues of the day and none is more important than health care.

So for our latest poll I ask the very important question: "So if you were really sick and you needed a Doctor who would you pick?"

You Health Care Options

Dr. Marcus Welby
Dr. Ben Casey
Dr. Kildare
Dr. Joe Gannon
Dr. Doom.

Now it is a foregone conclusion that Jason (the commenter) will want to play doctor with Dr. Kildare but I expect the rest of you not to choose based on such a pretext. So to speak.

Bend over and cough.

You guys are just not part of the reality based community!

And I am so proud. The results of the poll did surprise me though. When I asked what was your favorite reality show a very small turnout voted as follows:

Project Runway 7
Survivor 6
Real Housewives of NJ 3
Next Food Network Star 2
Flipping Out 1

Thanks so much to all of my faithful commenters who voted. I don't understand how Project Runway is so popular.

But then I don't understand why Heidi Klum fell in love with Seal?

It's a mystery.

Next up a health care poll.

It's not easy being a Giant!

For all my good friends like AJ and Beth and Michael H let me tell you one thing:

Don't put the cart before Sarah Jessica Parker.

The season isn't over yet. We lost a few games. It might come down to the last game of the year to determine if we make the playoff's. And we play the dog-ass Vikings with Senator Robert Bryd at quarterback. So we have a great shot at making the playoffs. And we are a great road team.

So to drop in another cliche:

Don't count your chickenlittles until they are hatched!

It's not easy being a Giant!

Yes the Lilliputians are tying us down. Another bad loss and the season looks like it is going awry. Now is the time that Tom Couglin will earn his money. If he can turn it around and win a few games and get into the playoffs anything can happen.

I have my doubts only because it is pretty unusual for the same city to win the World Series and the Superbowl. So I will keep rooting for my team but they have to step it up if they want to be champions.

There is no affirmative action in football. You have to earn it. Let's see what happens!

Laura Bush's Diary

So I was out shopping with the twins yesterday and I got a call from W on my cell phone. Which is very unusual because he likes his alone time. I mean he spends it watching TV and reading his favorite blogs and posting comments on Boringheads TV. He loves to post over and over again the same liberal bullshit under his sock puppet name of Brendan that drives everyone crazy while he pulls his pud and laughs and laughs. So like I said he likes his alone time.

“Hello Laura” he said. “Yes sweetie what’s the matter. Did they have a debate between that evil blogger lady and the gay brother from Frazier again?” “No, no nothing like that. You have to get home right away. It’s very important. And watch out for birds.” “But the girls and I are shopping.” “I don’t care you get home right now you hear and bring all the girls home if you know what I mean.”

So I got everyone in the convertible and we went on home to the ranch. I actually kind of like when W get’s all forceful and shit like that. I mean usually he is very easy going because he is a very confident guy and he doesn’t give a shit what anybody else has to say. So it was a good sign that he was so forceful today, maybe little Laura was going to get a little sumtin sumtin.

But as we were driving I thought about his message. “Watch out for birds.” What could that mean? Did my old friend Robyn Bryd call again and talk to W. I mean he knew all about my long time friendship with her but I don’t think he knows all of the details. I mean some things are better left in the past ya know. So it was weighing on my mind as we sped along the highway. Jenna has a lead foot you know.

Anyway I got home and went into the study where W was and he jumped up and closed the door. “Thank God you are home honey. I was so worried.” “Worried about what W everything is copasetic.” “Well I was watching the news and I heard the terrible news.” “What news? Did Obama pass the Death Panels thing?” “No I heard a bird flew into the Super Hardon collider and caused a massive accident and I was so worried.” “What are you talking about?” “Quick just take off you shirt so I can be sure that the girls are allright.” He grabbed my shirt and ripped down the middle and my “girls” popped out. I usually have them taped down but I was free and easy cause we were just going to the mall so some majow melons came rolling out. “Thank God they are OK. I don’t think I could go on if something happened to them.” Well I was kinda confused. But then I saw an update on Fox News. “W you idiot. It’s the Large Hadron collider you big dummy.” You see whenever I let W get a titty fuck he always got a massive boner so he liked to call the girls his Super Hardon collider. He pushes them together and bangs little W against them while he shouts out quotations from Dune and his other favorite science fiction movies.He was just a little confused. It was a different Hardon Collider.

“Well I was worried Laura. They said that a bird fell in there and there was a danger that it would create a giant black hole.”

I said “Don’t worry W, there will always be only one Condoleezza Rice.”

Thank God.

Buddy Clinton died for your sins!

Calvin and Grace Coolidge had one of the most loving and close relationships of all presidential couples. Although President Coolidge was know far and wide for being very taciturn his wife confided to her diary that he put his tongue to better use. But the general silence of the mansion led Grace to spend a lot of time with her pets of which she had the biggest menagerie since Theodore Roosevelt. Her favorite was her pet raccoon Rebecca who was hit with children from all over the world. The first pet coon to be owned by a president since Thomas Jefferson, Rebecca was a big hit at the annual Easter egg hunt where she would run out and gather all of the eggs before any of the children could get to them. This greatly pleased the frugal Coolidge’s who hated to give out anything for free. Unfortunately there was a tragedy when Rebecca unwittingly bit the hand of young Robert Taft who was reaching for an egg. Robert ran screaming into the garden to his Dad Chief Justice William Howard Taft. There was screaming and chaos and children running underfoot and the corpulent Chief Justice was tripped and fell, crushing both Rebecca and the diminutive Ambassador from Kingdom of Siam.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, 2009)

Paris is burning, but only when he pees!

"Well Paris I know you are a master of disguise and a very important part of the Impossible Mission team. But I don't understand this disguise. What's up with that? Who are you supposed to be Danny Partridge?"

"Thank you Barney. I am going undercover in a flute factory. So I have to fit in with all the designers and managers."

"Really so you want to look like a very special episode of Starsky and Hutch?'

"Trust me, I know what I am doing.....Say do you want to talk about the opera?"

"Errr no thanks Paris. I have to go. But carry on. "

It's all there in black and white.

"Well Selina, I see you have returned to your normal costume."
"Why yes I did Trey. I don't want to upset you. So I went back to my old cat suit. Pluse my little pet likes it."
"Yes I noticed Selina. That is an elephant. Why do you have an elephant as a pet?"
"Oh he is a wonderful pet. He is kind and thoughtfull and fun to be around. I can ride him around and everyone gets out of our way. It's so high up on his back that I feel on top of the world."
"Yes but it must be such a chore to clean up after him?"
"Not really I have Lem follow behind him with a shovel and one of those pickerupper kind of thingees. He is glad for the job. And after all isn't that sort of what you do for a living?"
"No Selina I help people with their problems."
"Well so does Jumbo. You might not know it but I have some problems in certain areas that you refuse to help me with...but Jumbo fixes me right up....you know his trunk is very limber....it's really quite big and strong and he is so talented with it....I mean sometimes I lovingly oil up his trunk with baby oil and he takes it and puts it in....Trey....Trey....why did you fall off your chair again?"

Hey I haven't heard from Simon in a while?

I bet he is busy with some arcane legal issues.

Oh well I trust him to keep us abreast of any new developments in contract law.

So to speak.

Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

I don't know how you managed to change Steve's cell phone number and block his emails but I know you are doing all you can to keep him from me. I mean you put him in rehab which is like jail because you claim he is addicted to sex. You know that is not true, I mean nobody who was addicted to sex would take so long to get it up. I mean it would be like a pot head who didn't like to smoke.

I can't believe that Steve doesn't want to see me or talk to me. We established such a close bond those three times we did it in the parking lot. I know he will never forget that night he had me wear the Mr. Met Head and give him Mr. Met Head!

SO THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

You got him fired and you got me fired because of your big fat mouth. Well you better tell Steve that better call me soon or he is not gonna get anymore of my honeypot. I have a lot of people who are buzzing around. David Letterman wants me to apply to be an intern. And this rich old guy wants to go out with me now that Anna Nicole Smith is dead. The only thing is he is kinda weird, he wants me to wear Ted Williams head when I give him Ted Williams Head. But that kind of grosses me out because it has a can of tuna fish stuck to it. He says it's really Ted's Head though cause he got it from Stiener's sports memorabilia and it is certified and everything. You tell Steve he is all over me. Here we are on the Loser Cam at Fenway Park. He stays there all the time, I think he is a professional jock sniffer or something like that. Anyway you tell Steve that if he doesn't call by the weekend I will run away with this old geezer see if I don't!

By the way I hope your infection clears up. Sorry about that. I find Valtrex but you can go with Vaseline and oil of cloves if you want to be more old school.

Toodles,

Your Pal

Brooke Hundley

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain

(Hallway of the Family quarters, upstairs at the White House)
Madea: Whose that up this time of night? I can’t even get a glass of hot milk without running into someone in the hallway while I am in my nightie.
Sasha Obama: It’s me Auntie Madea.
Madea: Why you up at this hour chile? Have you been crying?
Sasha Obama: I am so upset Aunty. Daddy doesn’t love me anymore. I am running away from home with my two friends. Gary Coleman and Rodney Allen Ripey.

Madea: What the hell? What are you doing with these two midget has beens. The only one missing is Robert Reich for crying out loud. Wha chu mean you daddy don’t love you no mo sugar?

Sasha Obama: Auntie he never has time to play with us anymore. He is always busy stealing the banks and the car companies and now he has to boss around all the doctors and he doesn’t have time to play with us anymore. And it gets worse.
Madea: How’s that baby?
Sasha Obama: Well when I came home from school he was playing peek-a-boo with a white baby. He always used to play peek-a-boo with me. Now he is playing with a white baby. And you know how much he hates white people. So if he would rather play with a white baby he must really hate us.
Madea: Now sweetie don’t be upset. Your daddy was just doing that for the camera. He didn’t mean it. Like when he prays for those dead soldiers or goes to a Christian church, its all for show. I am sure he loves you. Don’t you worry. Auntie Madea will fix it. I will talk to him and he will be playing peek-a-boo with you in no time. Of course he will have a big bandage on his fool head but it will be ok. Now you go back to sleep and I will make you breakfast tomorrow.
Sasha Obama: Thank you Auntie, I love you. I know you will make it allright. You always do. But what about Rodney and Gary.
Madea: Those boys better come with me. I want to show them the exercise equipment that Barbara Bush set up in the Attic. I think they might enjoy it. Let’s go fools.
Gary Coleman & Rodney Allen Ripey: Yes Auntie.

Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

Well now you have done it. You got both me and Steve fired. I hope you're happy. Why did you have to go to the papers. We could have worked it out.

You know Steve really wanted to be with me. Why else would he agree to have sex with me in the car all three times. I mean it's not like we didn't make plans. He told me I could ride in a float with him the next time the Met's won the World Series. But he told me not to hold my breath. Which is sort of strange because he always wanted me to hold my breath when we were together. At least when I was under the table for Baseball tonight.

I can't believe that you made Steve go to rehab for sex addiction. How could you? I mean it's not like he is like that nasty Micheal Douglas with the dead skin and shrunken eyes and the little weenie. I mean ok, Steve sort of has a Gary Busey thing going on but you have to pretend to be inscrutable if you are the general manager of the Mets. I mean look at Omar Minaya. Nobody understands what the fuck he is talking about. I mean he doesn't even speak English for God's sake!

If you hadn't have pulled this shit, Steve and I would have been together at the World Series. Like Jeter and his latest slut bag. Or A-Rod and Kate Hudson. Or Hidecki Matsui and his boyfriend that he pretends is his interpreter. You made me miss the series. They wouldn't even let me in the stadium. So I had to go to Florida instead.

While I was there I met a couple of friends. They are pissed at you too! I think we are going to have to come see you. Just to talk. You know. So you will give up Steve and he and I can finally be together. It is meant to be. You can't stand in the way of true love.

You see the force is strong in me.

Or maybe it's gas.

No, no it's the force.

Me and my friends will see you soon.

Toodles

Your friend

Brooke Hundley

It's all there in black and white.

"Hello Trey, where have you been the past few days?"

"I have been busy Selina. You know I follow Emerson, Lake and Palmer around. And I am busy campaigning for Iggy Pop and the Stooges for the Hall of Fame. I am sorry I haven't been around."

"Well I missed you."

"That's nice to know Selina. Can I ask why you are dressed this way?"

"What way?"

"Why as a Native American."

"Oh this old thing. Why it is my Halloween costume. I though I might wear it until you saw it. I went as Sacajawea....you know who that is don't you Trey?"

"Of course. She was the Shoshone woman who was a famous explorer."

"Well that is true. But she is most famous for letting Merriweather Lewis discover her Northwest Passage. "

"Really, Selina I didn't read that in my history book."

'Oh everyone knew that Trey. You see Merriweather was gay and he was tormented because Sacajawea let him in the backdoor for the first time in his life. You see she used to give him what they called the Dirty Sacajawea. She was the only woman he ever loved. When she decided to leave him, well he ended up killing himself."

"But why did she leave him Selina. After all he was rich and famous."

"That isn't everything Trey. She returned to her husband Toussaint Charbonneau and they spent the rest of their lives in the mountains trapping beaver....she loved the feel of beaver....it was so soft and silky....they used to love to wear it like a hat......do you love the feel of beaver.... would you like to see my beaver Trey....it's very soft and fluffy just like Sacajawea would have loved....Trey....Trey....why are eyes rolling back in you head....you keep falling off of your chair....I think I am going to get you a seat belt!"

Did you say Balls Miss Moneypenny?

"What's that sound Miss Moneypenny?"

"Balls, Comander Bond."

"Did you say Balls Miss Moneypenny?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"Oh you must mean Thunderball."

"No actually I mean Godzilla Balls."

"What?"

"Yes that's the sound they make when they clang together when Godzilla is walking through the city."

"I think you are in the wrong movie, do I look like Raymond Burr to you?" in a cheezy chinese accent " Oh no godzilla is coming."

"At least someone is coming."

Hey I feel like a parade!

I wish I could go but I am stuck in the store today. So I can only watch it on TV.

Hey doesn't Joe Girardi's wife look like Liza Minnelli?

A-Rod is pretty happy right now. He finally has that monkey off his back. In every sense of the word.

Matsui has to go around with his interpreter all the time. I wish I had one of those. Then when I make a really cool joke or reference he can interpret it for the people who are following along at home. You know who you are.

I had to break a rule and watch Letterman last night because he had Jeter, Pettite, Posada and Matsui on his show. He kept busting Jeter's ass by asking him over and over if he was engaged. Finally Jeter said "No are you?" Letterman, always a stupid dick.

Get a load of Felix Lopez (the bald headed looking like Desperate Housewife's guy) who is the bald headed guy on the Yankee owners float. He is married to one of the Steinbrenners daughters. He used to be the gardener until he caught the interest of the lady of the house. Now he is sitting pretty.

There's a lot of that going around. So to speak.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hee.

Hee, hee.

Now that's funny.

最高殊勲選手

ニューヨークのヤンキーは世界のチャンピオンである

私にお金の雌犬を示しなさい

World Series MVP

Nuff said.

Congratulatons to the WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You mooshed 'em AJ

This is what you call a moosh. Thanks to AJ for mooshing the Phillies.

Paris is burning, but only when he pees!

"Let's sing....I got you babe"

"What are you talking about you dizzy bitch. I don't know how to sing. That was Shatner."

"Well just fake it. Aren't you supposed to be the master of disguise. Well disguise your voice and pretend you can sing."

"You know sometimes life is like you are skiing down a mountain and then you come right up to a big tree."

"Stop with the whining already. Just shut up and sing. Look if you fake it I will let you play with my tits."

"That's what Shatner used to say...ok....They say we're young and we don't know.....We won't find out until we grow....."

It's all there in black and white!

"Selina, Selina where are you?"

"Why I am out here in the field Trey....come out and have a catch."

"What are you doing?"

"Why it's World Series time Trey and I feel like some baseball. I love the feel of the ball in my hand. But most of all I love the bat. A nice hard bat. You know one with the good wood. Do have the good wood Trey?'

"Hamana hamana hamana uuurrrpppphhhhh!!!!"

"Hey take it easy. You kind of look like a Philly. Hee."

No wonder AJ hasn't been commenting, he went to the game.

I was worried. We hadn't heard from our dear friend AJ Lynch the biggest Phillie fan in these here parts. But I found out he went to the game the other night and was otherwise detained.

But we hope to hear from him soon.

Frenchy Fuqua's shoe blog

Yo how bad it be blood.

Damn but my Giants sucked the big one this week. The Eagles beat them down like Ike used to do Tina when she wouldn't go out and make him that money you know what I am saying. My boy Eli better stop with the fuckin commercials and pay attention to the game. And where the hell was the defense. Why didn't anybody hit some of those losers. It seemed that all I saw was Eagle recievers running free down the field. I mean I knows that Harold Carmichael is a big mutafucker but he must be what, eighty years old now for crying out loud. It was just another dismal performance. I think they figured they could play like shit and nobody would notice cause they would be too busy watching the Yankees and shit. They best pick it up next week or they be out of the playoffs like those dog ass Packers.

Now the Jets decided that theys wasn't gonna cover any of the kickoffs. And still and all it took to the last bit of the game for the Fish to pull it off. That Mexican boy just ain't got it you know. He better step it up if he wants to be number one in New York even as bad as Eli is sucking it. They have to do something with their special teams cause man they all play like they be "Special."

You know retarded. Like Assante Samuel.

The dog ass Vikings beat the dog ass Packers as that old fuck had four td's. I mean shit, that old dude is in depends and all how the hell did he do that. Jeeez those Packers really suck ya know!

And them dirty ass Saints from NOLA won again. Dey must be doin tht voodo or sumthing I don't know. At least my Steelers had a bye so I can relax about them.

Anyhoo I gonna relax and watch the World Series. I bet my boy Andy puts one in that Utley guy's ear. It just meant to be!

Support Fraunces Tavern!

We went out to celebrate a combined anniversary and the wife's birthday last night. Every year we go to the place where we were married Fraunces Tavern in downtown New York on the corner of Pearl and Broad Streets. This year we went on the wife's birthday since it was so hard for us to get out of the store. Plus we got to watch the Yankee game!

Paul the manager had been running the joint for a while and was the assistant manager when we were married there. He was telling us how tough business is downtown. A lot of the big brokerage companies have moved to midtown or Jersey and the back office work at home revolution has really hurt them. Also the expense account lunch has sort of become a thing of the past especially as the blue nosed puritans look up every executives asshole over how he spends. Without taking into account that those business dinners and lunches pay a lot of peoples salaries including chefs and waiters and bus boys. Not to mention the food vendors and liquor distributors.

The Fraunces Tavern Museum is also a treat for anyone who has any interest in American History. In fact this month they are displaying one of the only four existing copies of the Magna Carta on loan from the British Museum. Plus all the great colonial artifacts in their normal exhibits. Well worth a trip downtown and you can have a great lunch besides.

I have been very remiss in not supporting them more than I have and we are going to try to get there at least once a month or every six weeks or so. It is a great dining experience and an important part of the fabric of New York. If you are ever in the city please give it a try.

Ok Jason keep your shirt on!

I had to listen to valued commenter Jason (the commenter) when he demanded that I include Project Runway in my list of reality shows. But I am not a big fan. You see I have learned a little something about fashion since we opened the store and most of what goes on in Project Runway is pure and utter bullshit. As far as the nuts and bolts of selling and producing clothes is concerned. It might be spot on in the glitz of couture fashion but in the real world it is from another planet.

In fact I have some experiance with all the underlying assumptions of all of these reality shows and each one is more phony than the next. In fact if I had to choose one adjective to describe them, the last one I would pick would be "reality."

OK AJ that's one for you!

Well the Iggles beat up on the Giants in an error filled game with tons of turnovers.
Eli was pretty sucky and I guess if Rush Limbaugh was broadcasting the game he would say he was one overrated white boy.

But hey I don't give up. The Giants have proved that they have it in them to be Champions, because a lot of them were on the championship team. As for the Eagles, well they haven't won shit. Oh wait, Michael Vick won a prison championship in two hand touch. I guess that counts.

But I want to congratulate AJ and all the mooks in Philly. You won this one. See ya in the playoffs.

Now back to baseball!

Hey that Swisher guy really sucks!

So that's two down. Looks like that Swisher guy ain't so bad after all. Thank you Mr. Hamals you are a gentleman and a scholar.

I think they should have pulled Professor Irwin Corey off of the podium before he dissed Andy Petite and said he would be no problem for the Phillies like he did in the pre game. I mean Andy does hold the record for most post season wins in baseball history. Just a little thing but you would think they might have "looked it up."

Hey I remember when the Yankees were a terrible organization. It wasn't till George came in and bought us from CBS and brought us back to glory that you could exhale and know that we were gonna do what we needed to do to win. No matter what.

Like Jeter said in the post game, take it one game at a time. One inning at a time.

Lets Go Yankees.