Well the twins and I had just come back home from shopping and we had a whole bunch of packages. You see Barbara is trying to catch a man so Jenna and I were helping her pick out some outfits to help. You see she spends too much times with the books. She is a lot like her daddy in that way, he always has his nose stuck in a book. I can think of a lot of better places for him to stick his nose if you know what I mean.
Anyhoo I came into the den and W was in front of the TV laughing his ass off again. He does that at every Obama press conferance. Every freakin time. It seems that whenever Barry O has a press conference W yuks it up like he is at a Gallagher concert. The only thing different is that Barry would have to bust up a watermelon with a sledgehammer. But I don’t think he buys into that particular stereotype. Barry O is more an arugala kind of guy. Who the hell wants to see you hit arugala with a sledgehammer?
I asked W what he was hooting and hollering about and he told me it was a big joke. It seems old Barry was trying to sell his healthcare bill and he stepped in some shit. He got involved in this pissing match with that loony professor Gates who got the cuffs put on him for mouthing off to a cop up in Boston. Damn that man is a fool. Doesn’t he know they don’t like black folks up in Boston? I mean they vote liberal and all they just don’t want to be around anybody darker than Harry Belafonte.
Barry says the cops are stupid for arresting him and you know the police unions are gonna be all up in his face for that. He needed to blow that question off as being beneath his notice. I mean Iran and North Korea and Afghanistan. Hello.
You just can’t mouth off to the police. They are all on a power trip. You know that they would love to mess up a professor let alone one with a big mouth. But I never have any problems with the police. In fact I was very friendly with one a long time ago. He liked to cuff me but in a good way if you know what I mean.
You see back in the day when I was working the peeps with Robyn Byrd sometimes we would hang out at Sardi’s the famous theatrical bar in Midtown. Robyn wanted to be an actress and she hoped to get discovered there. So we hung out with a lot of other young girls who were aspiring models. There was a young Jane Fonda and Elizabeth Ashley and a young chippie named Joey Heatherton. Man Joey was a lot of fun. And she had a lot of connections. You see her dad was the Merry Mailman on WPIX TV and she would get to go to all these industry parties and stuff. She got a recurring gig on the Perry Como show and was always helping some of the girls get a gig here and there. And she would always invite us along when there was a party or something. You see her dad was a pussy hound of the first water and they had a very weird relationship. She was always sitting in his lap and snuggling him and he would rub her ass and all crazy stuff like that. It kind of made me uncomfortable.
Anyway one day Joey comes into Sardi’s and invites us to this big party at WPIX. All the stars of New York TV were going to be there. Sandy from Wonderama, Soupy Sales, Chuck Mc Cann and all his freaky puppets. And Officer Joe. Yes Officer Joe Bolton.
You see I had a big crush on Officer Joe. I would turn on the TV at about four o’clock in the afternoon when I would wake up and his show would come on where he would show the Three Stooges. Man I love the Stooges. They could always make me laugh no matter how shitty a night I had the night before. Officer Joe would stand there tall and strong and run his big hands up and down his baton as he introduced each clip in his deep manly voice. What a man.
Anyway we start having a few drinks and some canapes and what not and we decide to do some bar hopping and bouncing around Times Square. We had pretzels at a stand and hot dogs at Nedicks and squeezed into one of those cheap photo booths to take a bunch of pictures. We hit all the joints. Lindys. Sardi’s. McHales. Even Jimmy’s Corner where all the boxing guys hung out. Finally we end up at the Merry Mailman’s Suite at the Iroquois hotel. There was me, Robyn, Joey and Anita Gillette. The Merry Mailman was there and Chuck McCann with all those fucking puppets. There was this Jewish producer guy we found somewhere along the way. Oh and Bozo the Clown.
Well we started knocking back the drinks and one thing lead to another. Joey went into one room with Chuck McCann. Later she told us he tried to molest her with a puppet. The freak. Robyn went in the other room with the Merry Mailman and Anita Gillette. And I was left on the couch with Officer Joe and Bozo. The Jewish guy had fallen asleep. So Bozo and I started some light petting and then he started to get really frisky. He had me pull his finger. Only it wasn’t really his finger. I was incensed. I slapped his face. He looked like he was really mad. I mean his face got beet red and he grabbed me around the neck and started to choke me. But Officer Joe stepped in. He took his baton and bopped that clown upside his frizzy orange haired head. You could almost see the stars floating above his noggin as he fell to the floor. I ran to Officer Joe’s arms. I won’t say anymore. Just that Officer Joe was all man and then some. So I have always had a soft spot for police officers. A soft wet spot.
Anyway the party broke up and we all went our separate ways. I didn’t see any of them again. Except Bozo. He became a famous Weatherman and old people fetish guy. But that’s another story. Bozo could teach Barry O something. You really shouldn’t mess with a cop.
Especially if you are a clown.
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