Laura Bush's Diary

So all the girls were sitting around drinking Lone Star beer and cracking walnuts between our thighs while we were waiting for the NBA finals to start. We are all big time Dallas Maverick fans. I mean how could you not be with Dirk having that big weinershniztel in his short shorts! Talk about your Weinergate. I wish he would tweet me a shot of little Hans or something. Jenna especially loves him but she was always a size queen.

The whole Bush clan was there. There was the twins of course and Doro who is W’s sister and the bug eyed twat Barb who makes my life a living hell. W and Poppy were in the den talking like they always do when they get together. They are always whispering in the corner as if they were planning the invasion of Iraq or something. I mean get over it. Been there, done that. Come out and watch the game. At least I know they aren’t texting photos of their wieners to coeds. Boy that was a big fuckup right? I mean Hillary called from her trip overseas and said her girlfriend Humus got all upset with her schmeckala of a husband for getting hisself all turned around. Now the poor girl has to pretend she is pregnant. Ok it is easy for her to make herself puke, alls she has to do is look at a picture of his naked weiner. Or a naked Weiner. It’s just that he is making all of America puke when they put it on TMZ.

Anyhoo we are just sitting around drinking and cracking and farting and shooting the breeze when old Barb opens up her leathery lizard trap. “Doro did you see what that slutty Palin girl said?” Now old bug eyed Barb is a like all the Rhino’s in that she just hates Sarah Palin. I mean I told you before why she was jealous of her. So anytime there is a dig about Caribou Barbie she is sure to bring it up. I love to say how much I love her just to piss her off. She is worse than Andrew Sullivan. In fact she is starting to look like Andrew Sullivan just without the power glutes. It’s fucking weird it tell ya.

“Who Sarah” I said. “No her slutty daughter. You know the one the retard knocked up. She said she drank a mess of wine coolers and the next thing you know she woke up with blood on her thighs and a Eskimo pie in the oven. Can you believe that stupid bitch?”

“Now Granny don’t get all hot and bothered” Jenna said. Jenna can talk to her Granny like that because she is her favorite. You see Jenna is a crazy bitch just like she was back in the day so she loves to hear about all the crazy shit she does. “You know she was just a kid. And it was her first time. I mean we all know how crappy your fist time can be. I know. Let’s all talk about our first times! That would be a hell of a lot of fun. Waddaya you say you all!”

“Oh I don’t want to do that” said prissy little Barbara. I swear I don’t know where she came from. She’s not a real Bush at all. I think when they were in my uterus all the fun went into Jenna and only the bile or something went into her. The only time she ever let loose is when her sister drags her out and gets her tanked up. “That’s private we shouldn’t talk about that. I would be very uncomfortable.”

“Oh shut you pie hole you prissy twat” yelled Old Barb as she spewed spittle all over the table top. “I only get to talk about sex these days. Poppy would much rather jump out of a plane than jump me. So tell me what you got girls. This is gonna be fun. Doro you go first.”

“Well you remember what it was Mama. It was when Poppy was ambassador to China. I had that school assignment to interview a famous person and they arranged that I could have a private lunch with Deng Xiaoping.” “Who was that Aunt Doro” asked Jenna. “He was the horny little midget that was the Bossman of the chinks when your grandfather was Ambassador there. He claimed he wasn’t a midget but I think he was selling himself short” snorted my nasty mother in law.

“Thanks Mama. Yes that’s who he was. The premier of China. I come to the palace for lunch and I thought there was going to be an interpreter or a translator or a protocol officer there or something. But there wasn’t. There was just my little Deng. We had a feast of dim sum and lot’s of rice wine. We were laughing and he was telling jokes about Koreans and drinking lots and lots of wine. You know the Korean’s are the Pollack’s of Asia so all those dumb jokes worked. Anyway after one particular dish Deng laughed and said ‘Oh little Doro you just ate dog. You put Toto in your mouth.’ Well I had the impulse to gag but it actually tasted good. And then the next thing I know I was gagging. Because Deng had taken his little hot dog out and stuffed it in my mouth. I didn’t know what was happening. I felt warm and fuzzy and we stripped all our clothes off. Deng was a champion muff diver. He got right in there with his tongue like Jesse James at a tattoo convention. He was tweaking my nipples and washing down the man in the boat and I was in heaven. Until he tried to put it in.”

“Why was that Auntie” piped up pipsqueak Barb. “Did it hurt? Was it too big?”
“Too big? I wish. No if anything it was too mushy. He had a mushy shoo pork in his pants. I was like trying to put a worm in a coin slot. It just didn’t work. I mean eventually he got it in and took my cherry but it wasn’t all that. You see the foreplay was great but the main event just wasn’t such a big deal. But he was still my first and now whenever I smell MSG I get a little wet. You walk by with a carton of Chop Suey and I start to get a party in my pants. I can’t help it.”

“That’s wild Aunt Dot.” Jenna laughed. “And I love how we can all talk about it together. I can’t wait to hear everybody else’s stories.”

You know. Me too. I wonder who was the first one to bang bug eyed Barb. Benjamin Franklin? This is gonna be a hoot.