Ok time for our not happy recap. Sophisticado’s like Nichevo can vacuum the rugs in their tuxedo until Oscar comes home for dinner but the rest of us want to wallow in all-American craziness. This is Kansas City Missouri home of Harry Truman, Tom Prendergast and Freddie Patek the original crying girl. So strap on bitch and let’s get cooking.
First up is poor deluded Chelsea. She thinks her mom and dad are really still in love after all the tuoris and turmoil and that it is not all a sham for political purposes….what…..oh it’s a different Chelsea....this one thinks she can sing….wrong again…next time think bikini. Or as Kara sez, next time come naked bitch.
Next up is a tall drink of water that sings a song that Simon actually wrote. But she gets the words wrong. She’s just cannon fodder for Hollywood week as they have to come up with 200 singers and they can’t bounce everyone. If you can’t get the song right for the audition how are you going to memorize the new songs every week?
Next up is a girl with a pretty dress and cowboy boots. Sort of the way Harry Reid probably dresses in the privacy of his own home. She gets through on personality and cuteness but is cannon fodder as well.
Next up is Andrew Sullivan’s ex-boyfriend who is an opera guy with a totally black outfit that does not fit properly. And he does not sing properly. He tries to sing Aretha, or at least makes an attempt but man is he bad. It brings up the whole issue of white guys trying to sing like black guys. Even if it sounds good man it is just not right. The guy’s like that Aussie dude from last year just can’t keep pulling it off week after week. Enough already. The is only one Joe Cocker, the rest of you guys are Joe Cock-it-uppers."
There is a whole bunch of people crying including this one chick that bends over and wails like someone killed her whole family. But it’s not just one bend over wail thing. She reprises it with an extra treat of flying snot. I haven’t seen anyone this upset since Alphaliberal found out they ran out of Obama dildoes.
Next up is the obligatory gay guy with a fedora. They had one two seasons ago, a Mario or something, who had to quit because he had a record contract. This guy screams like he was on a rollercoaster but they put him through anyway. We get to meet his mom who he lives with in a little motel on the interstate. I wouldn’t want to stay there in about ten years from now if you know what I mean.
Next up is Jason Castro’s brother Raul. No that’s the other Castro’s. I think his name is Michael who said he only started singing twenty days ago. Dude it show. Anyway he gets a legacy appointment like it was the University of Wisconsin or something and is through to the next round. He can’t sing for shit but has a promising future as a comedian which he shows off when he says he is less “girly” than Jason. Hee, hee. Good one.
A couple of crappy ones and then we get a welder dude so the straight guys can be represented. What do you want to bet they put him in the group with the oil rigger from yesterday? And that Seacrest will be hanging around while they practice. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Next up is a crazy girl who was voted most likely to kill herself on Paula’s lawn with two tone dyed hair. Reminded me of Frank Gorshin in that Star Trek episode when he was one color on one side and another on the other. She sang like him too. Thank God they have tranquilized Simon or he would have eviscerated her then and there. But that probably explains his nipples this season.
Next up is a cute kid who can sing with a deaf grandma who they film a whole segment with so she will probably make the top twenty. Generic and nothing special she just has to hope to hang on to make the tour so she can eventually grow up to be on celebrity rehab and have a porno tape like Jessica Sierra.
Next up, holy shit Snoop from the Wire is trying out for the American Idol. She tries out with her sister who is a lovely girl but they pick Snoop cause if they don’t she is gonna bust a cap in their ass. The whole family is outside and I swear I saw Chris in his army jacket lurking in the background. Cool.
Next up is these two friends who audition. The first has another one of these weird haircuts and gets through and then it is the drama guy that they have been building with promos for the past ten minutes. His story is that his wife died four weeks ago. I repeat his wife died four weeks ago. And he is on a television show using it for sympathy. I will just leave it there.
Next up is Randy’s chance to shine when a geeky Indian guy ambles over from the Dell Answer center to try out. Randy’s all “Slumdog Millionaire in the House.” Turns out the guy has got a PHD in barbecue or some shit which perfectly sums up what most of us think about academics. But the funny thing is the guy can sing. Not just run a 7-11 like Biden would sentence him too so it is pretty cool. Plus you know that everybody in the phone company in India is gonna jam the lines when he is up. This is getting interesting. On to Bollywood, press two if you want to speak to an operator.
A whole lot of filler and then two cheerleaders come in to rev the crowd up for this skinny gay guy to sing Motown really badly. They toss him to the curb, gently and he goes out to meet about sixty young girls who he is their “best” friend. It’s sad really. All those crushed hopes. His revenge will be to become a fashion designer and torture women with ridiculous clothing.
Next up is a marching band teacher who is technically competent but not inspired like the dread locked teacher guy of a few seasons ago. So he could go far but will not make it all the way. Cute baby though. Cutest kid so far.
Next up is Luckyoldson. He has a blonde Pete Rose haircut and a medal from the Special Olympics or something and tells a sad story about how his mom doesn’t believe in him. He sings a song that he wrote and is gently told that he didn’t cut and tells them to “let the suckfest” continue and “suck my dick” and “why don’t you read a music book or periodical” and is ushered out of the room to while away the hours typing on the internets.
Next is a sprightly little dude with shades who does a back flip and begs throughout. Simon as usual is the only one who is honest with him but they put him through to get destroyed in Hollywood. His family is outside and his mom gives him this great big hug and the joy they show is not to be gainsaid. It’s little enough to have a victory now and then so I hope they savor it as much as they can.
Now they are down to the crack ho’s who mistook the audition for the bus station. They show tons of shots where this babe is sleeping with her messy wig and little bubbles of spit forming on her smeared lipstick. She can’t understand why she didn’t get through and goes out with a rant. God Bless baby.
The last lady is a wonderful mom with three kids and a very patient husband. Her name is Rounds and she is round in all the right places as a real woman should be. She gets through and is overjoyed. A great way to end the night. I hope she makes it to the finals.
First up is poor deluded Chelsea. She thinks her mom and dad are really still in love after all the tuoris and turmoil and that it is not all a sham for political purposes….what…..oh it’s a different Chelsea....this one thinks she can sing….wrong again…next time think bikini. Or as Kara sez, next time come naked bitch.
Next up is a tall drink of water that sings a song that Simon actually wrote. But she gets the words wrong. She’s just cannon fodder for Hollywood week as they have to come up with 200 singers and they can’t bounce everyone. If you can’t get the song right for the audition how are you going to memorize the new songs every week?
Next up is a girl with a pretty dress and cowboy boots. Sort of the way Harry Reid probably dresses in the privacy of his own home. She gets through on personality and cuteness but is cannon fodder as well.
Next up is Andrew Sullivan’s ex-boyfriend who is an opera guy with a totally black outfit that does not fit properly. And he does not sing properly. He tries to sing Aretha, or at least makes an attempt but man is he bad. It brings up the whole issue of white guys trying to sing like black guys. Even if it sounds good man it is just not right. The guy’s like that Aussie dude from last year just can’t keep pulling it off week after week. Enough already. The is only one Joe Cocker, the rest of you guys are Joe Cock-it-uppers."
There is a whole bunch of people crying including this one chick that bends over and wails like someone killed her whole family. But it’s not just one bend over wail thing. She reprises it with an extra treat of flying snot. I haven’t seen anyone this upset since Alphaliberal found out they ran out of Obama dildoes.
Next up is the obligatory gay guy with a fedora. They had one two seasons ago, a Mario or something, who had to quit because he had a record contract. This guy screams like he was on a rollercoaster but they put him through anyway. We get to meet his mom who he lives with in a little motel on the interstate. I wouldn’t want to stay there in about ten years from now if you know what I mean.
Next up is Jason Castro’s brother Raul. No that’s the other Castro’s. I think his name is Michael who said he only started singing twenty days ago. Dude it show. Anyway he gets a legacy appointment like it was the University of Wisconsin or something and is through to the next round. He can’t sing for shit but has a promising future as a comedian which he shows off when he says he is less “girly” than Jason. Hee, hee. Good one.
A couple of crappy ones and then we get a welder dude so the straight guys can be represented. What do you want to bet they put him in the group with the oil rigger from yesterday? And that Seacrest will be hanging around while they practice. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Next up is a crazy girl who was voted most likely to kill herself on Paula’s lawn with two tone dyed hair. Reminded me of Frank Gorshin in that Star Trek episode when he was one color on one side and another on the other. She sang like him too. Thank God they have tranquilized Simon or he would have eviscerated her then and there. But that probably explains his nipples this season.
Next up is a cute kid who can sing with a deaf grandma who they film a whole segment with so she will probably make the top twenty. Generic and nothing special she just has to hope to hang on to make the tour so she can eventually grow up to be on celebrity rehab and have a porno tape like Jessica Sierra.
Next up, holy shit Snoop from the Wire is trying out for the American Idol. She tries out with her sister who is a lovely girl but they pick Snoop cause if they don’t she is gonna bust a cap in their ass. The whole family is outside and I swear I saw Chris in his army jacket lurking in the background. Cool.
Next up is these two friends who audition. The first has another one of these weird haircuts and gets through and then it is the drama guy that they have been building with promos for the past ten minutes. His story is that his wife died four weeks ago. I repeat his wife died four weeks ago. And he is on a television show using it for sympathy. I will just leave it there.
Next up is Randy’s chance to shine when a geeky Indian guy ambles over from the Dell Answer center to try out. Randy’s all “Slumdog Millionaire in the House.” Turns out the guy has got a PHD in barbecue or some shit which perfectly sums up what most of us think about academics. But the funny thing is the guy can sing. Not just run a 7-11 like Biden would sentence him too so it is pretty cool. Plus you know that everybody in the phone company in India is gonna jam the lines when he is up. This is getting interesting. On to Bollywood, press two if you want to speak to an operator.
A whole lot of filler and then two cheerleaders come in to rev the crowd up for this skinny gay guy to sing Motown really badly. They toss him to the curb, gently and he goes out to meet about sixty young girls who he is their “best” friend. It’s sad really. All those crushed hopes. His revenge will be to become a fashion designer and torture women with ridiculous clothing.
Next up is a marching band teacher who is technically competent but not inspired like the dread locked teacher guy of a few seasons ago. So he could go far but will not make it all the way. Cute baby though. Cutest kid so far.
Next up is Luckyoldson. He has a blonde Pete Rose haircut and a medal from the Special Olympics or something and tells a sad story about how his mom doesn’t believe in him. He sings a song that he wrote and is gently told that he didn’t cut and tells them to “let the suckfest” continue and “suck my dick” and “why don’t you read a music book or periodical” and is ushered out of the room to while away the hours typing on the internets.
Next is a sprightly little dude with shades who does a back flip and begs throughout. Simon as usual is the only one who is honest with him but they put him through to get destroyed in Hollywood. His family is outside and his mom gives him this great big hug and the joy they show is not to be gainsaid. It’s little enough to have a victory now and then so I hope they savor it as much as they can.
Now they are down to the crack ho’s who mistook the audition for the bus station. They show tons of shots where this babe is sleeping with her messy wig and little bubbles of spit forming on her smeared lipstick. She can’t understand why she didn’t get through and goes out with a rant. God Bless baby.
The last lady is a wonderful mom with three kids and a very patient husband. Her name is Rounds and she is round in all the right places as a real woman should be. She gets through and is overjoyed. A great way to end the night. I hope she makes it to the finals.
5 comments:
Harry Reid in a dress?
Rings true.
This scares me.
As well it should.
It snowed in New York today and the store was a little slow.
Althouse scolded me and said I was late in posting to her Idol thread.
I wanted to say being late is only important if you are the daughter of the governor of Alaska.
But you know me, I always try to be nice.
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