My dear Holmes,
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. As you are well aware the case is officially closed due to lack of interest. No one cares about the Douchebag's and their names are not mentioned from one month to the next.
I was tempted to consult you in what appeared to be another
strange disappearance that had roiled the society pages. It seems that the
famous Italian Count and Countess of Valise were not heard from in several days
and their friends and acquaintances were quite disturbed. Although they hold
Italian Titles they are in fact merchants so it is understandable that their
creditors would be concerned when they are incommunicado but it seems that they
have many friends who were concerned that they had not been heard from for a
few weeks.
I took the usual steps to determine where they might be. And
I found several strange and unusual occurrences that seemed quite interesting.
It seems that the Queen of the Red Headed League had made several appearances
at Lady Chatterley's salon which she had shunned for many a moon. And her good
friend Miss Bartleby the Scriveners also appeared and sent several notes
although as usual her meaning was incomprenhsible as she had struck through
most of her correspondence with her quill pen and her meaning was just not
clear as usual. Both however fled at the sight of Lady Chatterley's lover who
has taken to removing his waistcoat at any occasion to display his physique
which is quite unseemly to say the least. Although Inspector Gregson seems to
enjoy it but that is not something we should examine too closely.
However all is well and I do not have to call on your considerable
talents as the disappearance of Count and Countess Valise has been explained.
it seems that they have traveled to Bath for a holiday which made most of their
acquaintances so very happy as they have often suggested that the Count could
use a Bath. Hopefully a dip in the
salubrious salt water will aide in dispensing the unfortunate odor which has
clung to him and become his claim to fame.
I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I have not seen him at the club since that unfortunate business with the sepoy in the Loo of Victoria Station. I hope that situation has been resolved amicably and without the need for further involvement of the Queen's justice.
I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
November 5, 1898
17 comments:
I am going to be honest.
I did a Dominican tonight and fell in the mud while we were doing it.
My pants, socks, tshirt and face were full of mud.
that's all.
tits.
Did his name start with an L?
Elementary.
Oopie, Meade is not a Dominican.
She means Lem as the dude who did the deed.
As they are both big time Red Sox fans it stands to reason.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
(the gay stuff...not being a Red Sox fan...that's fucked up)
Meade is not a Dominican.
Certainly not! He's a goddam l.mey.
Lem is a good man, but I think he was drunk-posting last night.
NTTAWWT. I do it all the time.
Inspector,
Please reconsider your sentence about my friend Miss Bartleby. Is her meaning usually incomprehensible or clear? Because your sentence is constructed as to have her be incomprehensible AND clear 'as usual.'
Signed with hugs and kisses,
RAA,
Queen of the Red Headed League and friend of
RIA, a.k.a., R,L, a.k.a., Miss Bartleby the Scrivener
Since I hadn't heard of Bartelby since high school, a trip to the wiki was needed, where this description was found:
...the story itself is “about a writer who forsakes conventional modes because of an irresistible preoccupation with the most baffling philosophical questions.”
Yeah, I meant Lem, he was pretty funny last night, some others there weren't.
I just took the rare clumber out for his last walk and saw many sweaty women tits.
They were hanging low, sweet chariot.
I wanted to grab em so bad but I didn't.
I saw purple women nipples.
Now I am getting horny.
How do the rest of you control your horniness?
tits, nipples hard and sweaty in tanky's.
tits.
Once again MamaM hits the nail on the head.
Once again MamaM hits the nail on the head.
Allie says, "Well slap my ass and call me Lenny Dykstra."
Or Miss Tenpenny.
Ruthie: Thanks.
If only the [1st-person] narrator of Bartleby had been around a scant, not-quite 130 years later, he might have found some 'energization' herein, for example. Alas, he had to settle for the intensity of Hamlet, or something thereabouts.
So it goes. L'Chaim!
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