Hell Needs a New PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord. It has been a while.
Lucifer: Yeah we might as well. I am tired of doing it all. I am the Devil for fucks sake. I should be sitting around getting a blow job from an intern. Or golfing or something. You know what all the big shot demons from Hell do when they are in charge. Let's get someone else in here to make the announcements. Who do we have in the last bus?
Forcas: Well we have several people that will be coming in. We have the beloved male star of a seminal Sixties Sitcom.   

Lucifer: Holy shit. The Professor is here. That’s great! I have to come up with some good shit to mess with him. I mean being on an island with Ginger and Mary Ann and nothing getting any trim is pretty much Hell on earth doncha think?
Forcas: No Sire it is not the Professor. The next Professor who is scheduled to burn in Hell is a Law Professor in Wisconsin and she still has few months to go.
Lucifer: Then who is it? NOT EDDIE MUNSTER! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! I LOVE THAT LITTLE PERVERT!
Forcas: No not him. It is Rueben Kincaid of the Partridge family.

Lucifer: That loser. That sucks. Oh well show him in. We can torture him a little for some yuks.
Forcas: Yes sire.

Rueben Kincaid: (slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas. He gets up slowly and straightens his tie. He is not a hippie after all) What’s going on here? One minute I was walking to a bright light and met a man in a robe with a clipboard and the next thing I know a trap door opens and I am like Danny Bonaduce when he runs out of crack. 

Lucifer: Welcome to hell pal. You are gonna be spending a lot of time suffering so it’s time to get not so happy. Heh.

Rueben Kincaid: Wait a minute! This can't be right. I suffered so much on Earth there is no way I have to suffer in hell. I mean I spent all the time with those ridiculous Partridges and I never made any freakin money? And the music. I wanted to stick chopsticks in my ears listening to that shit. I mean I was a big time Julie London fan. I almost got her to marry me but that scumbag Bobby Troup beat me out because he was a trumpet player who could use his trained lips on her vagina like she was a flugelhorn. I don’t deserve this.

Lucifer: Tough shit baby. You are here on the Sandy Duncan infield fly rule. You screwed over too many people on the way up so you have to go all the way down.  I mean you could have banged Shirley Jones when she was at her MILFiest and Susan Dey when she was a young sweet thing. I mean you controlled the money. You could of banged the both of them at the same time. Talk about your Reuben Sandwich. Instead you were busy taking Danny Bonduce to gladiator movies and teaching to suck on the pipe. What a waste. As it were. Forcas get this miserable piece of shit out of here.
Forcas: Yes Sire. (Two burley demons grabbed him and dragged him away.)
Lucifer: What a stupid douche bag. Foras dress him up in some sequins and a bra and send to sing show tunes to those Somalians who just washed up on shore. That should fix his sorry ass for a while. How dare he take the sacred name of Julie London in vain.

Forcas: Very well my lord. Who will we have announcing today?
Lucifer: Get Ted Williams in here. It is always fun to watch him try to announce without a head. I miss baseball. This will hold me over.