Sorry I have to go.

"Sorry I have to go."

"It's time for cocktails."

"Plus we have to rip off that outfit."

Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

I don't know what kind of ninja mind tricks they taught you in that fancy finishing school but I don't understand how you can block all my calls and emails to Steve. He must be out of sex jail by now and I know he wants to contact me. I mean he probably is kinda bored now that you

MADE HIM LOSE HIS JOB YOU EVIL BITCH!!!!!!

If it wasn't for you spilling the beans to the papers and everything we still would have been able to go on the way were where. Misty mountain covered memories of the way we were. I mean Steve would have come how to his no sex marriage with you the ice queen and your fancy mansion and your seven kids and he still could have had anal with me in parking lot in my car. I was planning on getting a bigger one anyway cause my friend Elin is giving me a deal on an SUV. She is happily married now and she is part of my crew with Kim Shamsky and Chloe Kardashian and Kim and Sheree and NeNe and all the rest. Plus she is sending me a golf club. She says it will come in handy.

I bet you never gave Steve a handy like I used to under the table while he was reading the Stats on Baseball tonight. You are one cold bitch to throw him out and block all my calls. If you don't want him anymore why can't you let me have him? What's the problem? Is it because Steve loves me best. He said I was the best. I was his little catcher. The best he ever had. Well except for Mike Piazza but that didn't count. I didn't mind that. I mean you basically kinda had to be gay or bi to be associated with the Mets. Not that theres anything wrong with that. That's why they are called the Mets. My Entire Team Sucks. They just spend two much time sucking on each other and not enough on fundamentals. And Steve loved my fundamentals. And my fundement. And you are keeping us apart. This will not stand.

So I am gonna tell you one more time. You better stop blocking my calls and emails. I want to talk to Steve and I want to talk to him now. Don't me come up to Connecticut. Steve always said when I get mad it isn't pretty.

And I am plenty mad.

Toodles,

your Pal

Brooke

Have some coffee.

"I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?"

"Well I have busy. You see I am sort of going incognito these days. I can't let everyone know where I am. Because well you know why..."

"What, you still think everyone is after you?"

"Even paranoids can have enemies. Plus there is the one armed man."

"What about him?"

"Well he's out there. I have to careful about my health. Want another cigarette?"

"Sure."

Will they suspect the truth Jeremy?

"I mean we are both big time liberals. And New Orleans Saints fans. I have tried to throw them off track by pretending to be a devotee of Sapphic delights. But I am afraid that they will soon figure it out. We are soulmates!'

"Uuuuugggggaaaaa uuuuuggggaaaaaaa!!!!!!"

"Yes I know, Let's Go Saint's. No untie me and I will make you a banana split."

Flashback: Gratuitous bathtub photo: Rub-a-dub-dub two broads in a tub!

Hey here's another flashback to our old series of gratuitous bathtub photos. One of the young ladies soaping each other up is the lovely Elizabeth Taylor in her prime(1968). Now who is the much younger nubile young lady who has just dropped the soap?

Hats off to cold weather!

It was kind of cold this weekend so we sold a bunch of hats. I got a bunch of great hats in and the retail for about $24 and they are really stylish and cute. It is just that it has been so fucking hot that people haven't been thinking about hats and gloves. Now that I have piles of them. I even put up a facktaha hat rack and everything.

Didn't they get those stolen emails. Global warming is bullshit!

Don't be tardy for the Party, Bitch

"Kim, Kim lets go. We are invited to the White House.'"

"Wait a minute we don't have a ticket to get in NeNe."

"Don't you worry about that. I know what to do. They ain't gonna keep out a gorgerous Nubian princess like me out of that damn party. Plus my last name is Hussien so they won't have the guts to question me."

"What's the party about anyway?'
"I don't know some Indian guy. I think he started a new casino or something. Let's go. I don't want to be tardy for the Party."

Laura Bush's Diary

So Jenna and Barbara and I went bowling last night and stopped off at the Taco Bell to pick up some take out Mexican. I love to take out Mexican. Well not as much as that sumbitch Jeb who took one out and ended up marrying one but we still like those cheap ass burritos and chalupa’s. We picked up a pile of them and got home with case of Lone Star and a couple of packages of Tums. You know high level Texas cuisine.

Now no sooner do we get home then W comes out of the study laughing his ass off. I love it when I see W laughing and having fun because he has been so worried about what has been going on in the country and all. I mean every time Barry fucks something up W loses his shit and starts ranting and raving and getting all bent out of shape. I wish he could just enjoy his retirement and golf and take it easy and all but sometimes I think he is gonna get his nine iron and treat our plasma the way Tiger Woods wife treats the back of his SUV. Or his nappy little head.

Anyhoo, W was laughing so hard he could hardly talk. I asked him “What’s so funny big man, did Cheney shoot another lawyer, and I could sure use a good laugh about now.” “Laura, you won’t believe it. Some reality show whore snuck into the White House uninvited and got into a State Dinner and everybody is going crazy. How about that?” “Why that’s crazy. How did that cow Nene get herself into the White House without an invite?” “No it wasn’t that pig Nene.” “Don’t tell me it was the chalk faced whore Kim. I sure hope they checked under her wig. God only knows what she hand hiding under there.” “No, no Laura it was some new girl that ain’t even on a show yet. She is gonna be one of the real Housewife’s of DC. They didn’t even cast the show yet.” “Well I declare W, I hope they put Hillary on that show. At least she will have something to do and all.” “Stop it Laura you’re killing me. And the way the press is carrying on it is enough to make you bust a gut. If those assholes only knew, if they only knew. Hee.”

Boy did he have that right. You see the press is so misinformed and stupid that they don’t know the half of what is going on. I mean in the Democratic administrations they cover everything up. I mean the Clintons had every kind of crook and Chinaman over there to raise money for their campaigns and there wasn’t a peep out of them. We kept them at arms distance too so they never knew what was really going on.

You see the decline of the news business had really accelerated during our administration and we wanted to do what ever we could to make more of them close down. We withheld information and didn’t do interviews and generally tried to make their life miserable. I mean if we didn’t provide any information they might dry up and blow away. I mean they were too lazy to do any fucking work and they were all used to being spoon fed info that they had to go out of business. I mean a bunch of bloggers in their tightie whities can out research and write 90% of those journalism school dickwads with one footy pajama tied behind their backs. I mean they managed to survive because they just made shit up. But not from lack of our trying to do them in.

But there was one newspaper that we did try to save. You see W would always do whatever his mom asked and one day she called and asked for a big favor. You see her good buddy Al Goldstien was in a lot of trouble and it looked like he was gonna lose Screw Magazine. He had a bunch of alimony problems and IRS bull shit and what not so he reached out to old Barb for a favor. They were thick as thieves ever since that time we appeared on my pal Robyn Byrd’s Midnight Blue with Al and Joe Dellasandro from “The Factory” and those two chicks with a dick. Al and Barb had kept in touch and he gave a complimentary subscription to Screw. She loved it because she was always putting ads in the personals to correspond with midgets and stuff and she couldn’t bear to think that it would go under. So she begged W to invite Al and a guest to a State Dinner for the President of India.

You see the dot heads had taken over all the newsstands in the United States. And the 7-11’s and all the convience stores that stocked newspapers. The head of them all, the tuti-de-tuti-fruiti of em all was this guy Boutros Boutros Gandhi. He was in charge of all of the newsstands in America and he really wanted to talk to the President of India. You see his brother was in jail in Deli for having had sexual congress with a cow. You know they love their cows over there and he was incarcerated for about a fifty year stretch. This guy figured is he could lay a little bakeesh on the President of India he could get his brother a pardon and all. I mean it worked or Mark Rich. All his wife had to do is give Bill Clinton five hundred thousand for his library and a blowjob and her ex-husband got a pardon. So Al got Barb to get W to sneak him into a state dinner.

Now we couldn’t tell the Secret Service about this because Al had all these convictions for perverted sexual acts and the Gandhi guy was a major league criminal as well. But I managed to sneak them in by dressing them like they were on the cover of the Concert for Bangladesh. You see I just told them the newsstand guy was Ravi Shanker and Al was his little Jew lawyer and they breezed right in. What the fuck did the Secret Service know, they are all Mormons anyway. They got the brother sprung and the Indians agreed to carry Screw magazine on the newsstands for another two years even though it was a big money loser. And nobody was the wiser.

So now that all of these magazines and newspapers are losing circulation and getting dumped by the newsstands we had to laugh. You see nothing is better than when you put something over on the mainstream media. Let’s just say that we love it when they get Screwed.

In every sense of the word.

It's all there in black and white.

"Well Selina, you are all dressed up again."
"Oh this old thing? Not really Trey. It is just a little something I had in my closet."
"Still it is most becoming."
"Why thank you Trey. Yes I love the way I look in velvet. The soft sensuous feel of it against my skin. Velvety smooth in fact. I love to stroke it and feel the little hairs move back and forth against my skin. Do you like to stroke something velvety smooth Trey?"
"Hamana hamana hamana uuurrrrrphhhhh!!!!"
"I thought so."

I see you are getting down Moneypenny.

"I see you are getting down Moneypenny."
"Whatever do you mean Commander Bond?"
"Your hair Moneypenny, your hair. I see you have let it down. I wonder...have you done the same with your inhibitions?"
"Why Commander Bond, my inhibitions have always been down, in fact going down is my favorite direction."
"Indeed."

Wadda ya mean we, paleface?

"Yeah this is one great Thanksgiving."

"Wadda ya mean Frank?"

"Well Jilly I got everything I need. A smoke, a couple of bottles of booze and a broad. Just like the first Thanksgiving ya know."

"I thought it was all about the Pilgrims and the turkey and all that stuff Frank?"

"Aw that's just the crap they teach in school. It's all a lot of lies. Trust me. It always comes down the same thing. Booze and broads and plenty of them. Now we got to go because Juliet here wants to pull on my wishbone."

Hey everybody loves Sacajawea!

"I don't know mate, John seems really into that Sacajawea bird. I think we might have to break it up. It is bad for the band. What do you think Paul?"
"Not to worry, I can introduce him to my next door neighbor. She is a little slip of a Japanese girl. Name of Moko or Loko or something like that. That should be the ticket. Those Japanese are always so quiet and modest"
"Sounds like a good idea mate."

""It's a Gumby Thanksgiving Special"

"Oy what the hell does the network want with a facackta Thanksgiving Show?"

"Well Gumby they want us to celebrate the holiday with all our friends just like all the girls and boys are doing at home with their friends."

"Friends, shmiends don't you know everybody hates Thanksgiving. You have to sit the table with all your disgusting relatives that you can't stand and listen thier retarded stories....oh such touris in my live...A chorbn!"

'But Gumby we have to do what they want or the farmer will be angry!"

"I don't have to anything..I'm Gumby Damn it!"

"Oooohhhh GGGuuummbbbbyyyyyy!!!!"

" Enough you donkey shtik drek! Now come over here I got this carrot and we are gonna have us a party! I really gonna show you why they call you Pokey!! Cause I'm Gumby Damn it!"

Look what Tom Couglin and the Gods of football gave us!

What a turkey the New York Giants served up this Thanksgiving. They just want to make it harder and harder on themselves. I mean I thought they were going to have a hard time in Denver. We never seem to do well there. And our running game sucks as bad as Tiger Woods backing out of his driveway. So they really screwed the pooch.

They can still salvage the season but it is going to be really, really tough. They have to beat the Eagles, Cowboys and Redskins in the remaining games they have with them if they want to make the playoffs. They have been there before, lets see if Eli can take us back there again.

Turkey. Bah!!!

Wait a minute, why are we having pork on Thanksgiving.

"I see the turkey and all but why are we having pork?"

"WHAT!!!! WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!"

"No it's true, Granny make a pork roast of this cute little critter."

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

AAAARRRRNNNNOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!!"

Flashback: Gratuitous Bathtub photo Thanksgiving Edition!

Yes you should always wash your bird.

So to speak.

Seriously, you work at a fashion magizine?

"Aunt Betty, I just don't think that is the right look to wear to Thanksgiving Dinner."

"What so you know what is the right thing to wear all the time. What gives you the right to say anything?"

"Well that's why the call me Jason (the commenter)."

Welcome to Gentle Ben's Thanksgiving Special

"Welcome to the Gentle Ben Thanksgiving Special. We have a great show for you tonight. We have our friends from Monty Python who are going to do a few skits and sing the Lumberjack Song. Also Lola Falana will sing and Shelly Berman will tell a few jokes."

How you doing?

"So you come here often?"

"No not really. But I always go out the day before Thanksgiving."

"Yeah that's a great night to party. But the next day, not so much."

"Why you don't like Thanksgiving?"

"Well it's not my favorite holiday for obvious reasons."

"Well it's over now and we have to get ready for Christmas. Hey would you like to dance?"

"Sure, do you know the Funky Chicken?"

What do you mean you won't show me your post Captain Burke?

"Don't you know who I am?"
"Now now don't get all huffy about it."
"That's all Huffington Post you douche."
"Wait a minute, are you the one who hangs out with the pig?"

Johnny Cash - Thanksgiving Prayer

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!!!!

The Beverly Hillbillies (EP 9) Elly's First Date (2/3)

This one's for you chickenlittle.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Bewitched - Samantha's Thanksgiving To Remember

Happy Thanksgiving!

In honor of Thanksgiving, who is your favorite Indian?

To celebrate the Thanksgiving Holiday we want to pay tribute to our Indian friends. So who is your favorite Indian:

Squanto

Sacajawea

Sitting Bull

Chingachgook

Rocky Colavito

I know a lot of you had other suggestions so applogies to Crazy Horse (love you strip club), Chief Joseph, Tecusmah, Cochise and Apu.

But not everyone can make the cut.

Tom Jones - It's Not Unusual (Live)

Hey RC, this is the real Tom Jones pally.

And don't you forget it!

Swearengen want chicken, Wu serve pork!

Hey in a late surge General Tso chicken has won our chicken poll. The results:

General Tso Chicken 30

Whole Baked Chicken 28

Southern Fried Chicken 28

Chicken Catetori 5

Fried Chicken Cutlets 2

Next up in honor of Squanto and the first Thanksgiving: who is your favorite Indian?

So Captain Burke what can I do for you?

"So Captain Burke what can I do for you?"

"Well I am investigate the theft of a tablecloth from an Italian restaurant. Would you know anything about that."

"What you are talking about my shirt? It's blue gingham not red tablecloth. You should have detected that since you have staring at it since you came in the door."

"Oh I wasn't staring at that. Just at a couple of other points of contention. As it where."

"That's OK Captain. I love it when men look. It is what they should do. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. I just want to find a man a can call my Master."

"Maybe some day my dear, maybe some day."

Flashback: Celebrity Camel Toe Corner can make you Gaga! Or Gag!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO MORE LADY GAGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flashback: Gratuitous bathtub photo!

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo asks: What inspired John Lennon to write Yellow Submarine?

I think he just peed in the bathtub.

Just sayn'

I see her! There she is! SHE IS A BREEDER!!!

"Calm down Michele you can't get so excited. It's not worth it."

"You can't hold me back Mr. President. I see her for what she is. A vile breeder who makes all the rest of us spinster cunts look like the worthless losers that we really are. She even kept the retard kid and didn't get twenty five abortions like I did. SHE MUST BE STOPPED!!!!"

"You have to calm down or you are really going to lose it like that Milky Loads guy. I mean why don't you have some tea and read a good book."

"Oh I will Mr. President. I will reread your Magun Opus. But one thing first. Doesn't this just feel natural...you know you with your strong manly arms around me....doesn't it just feel right?"

"Errr well you see I am spoken for...maybe you can give that nice Ezra Klein a call....I am sure he isn't doing anything....in the meantime...I am going to check out my man Adam on the AMA's. Wasn't that cool?"

It's all there in black and white.

"Selina what are you doing on the windowsill?"

"Why I am just sunning myself Trey. A cat needs the sun. Sometimes I just lay here on the windowsill and watch the world go by as I sun myself."

"Well it seems dangerous. Please come down and sit on the couch."

"Don't be such a fuddy duddy Trey. You have to get with the times. You know a feline has to be free. I have to lie here and stretch and enjoy the warm caress of the sun Trey. Do you enjoy warm caresses Trey?"

"Errrr well yes I do Selina."

"Yes well so do I. The only thing better than the warm caress of the sun on my body is the sticky sweet caress of my tongue on my skin....Trey...Trey....you worry about me but you keep falling off your chair."

"Hamana hamana hamana uuurrrppphhhh!!!!"

So Captain Burke are you ready to trip the light fantastic!

"So Captain Burke are you ready to trip the light fantastic!"

"With you my dear, always."

"Let me straighten your tie."

"Good idea. In fact there is something I would like to get straight between us."

"Maybe later, but first let's have some cocktails."

"Sounds like a plan."

Remembrance of Things Pabst

When I was seven years old, I would go to stay at my Grandmother’s house on Henry St. every day after school. I also went there before school and it was where I learned how to cook. But I went after school to wait for my mom to come pick me up and take me home. She had another baby at the time and would bundle up my sister and come to her mother’s house every day. Families where like that then. You saw most of your extended family all through the week, not just at holidays. My uncles would come home from the docks at lunchtime to eat and sometimes I would too! My cousins and I where always underfoot and running around and playing soldiers or playing stoop ball in the street or ringalevio or Johnnie on the pony and cause a ruckus.

My Grandmother was a great cook and I owe everything I know about cooking and food to her. She came from the island of Ischia in the bay of Naples and everything she made was from the freshest of ingredients. Which was kind of interesting you know. You see the most famous dish in Ischia is rabbit. We always had these nice little bunnies to play with right around Easter time and then suddenly they weren’t around anymore. Of course you had a lot more interaction with live animals in New York back then. Several people on Henry St kept chickens and the rest of the people went to the live poultry market that was owned by Albert Anastasia’s brother Tony on Hicks St. Everyone got their chickens there and their turkeys. The only thing was they cost fifty cents more if they killed and cleaned them for you.

So one day (actually today the Tuesday before Thanksgiving) I got to Grandma’s after school. I had a couple of Yoohoo’s at the candy store and I really had to go. Yoohoos would go right through you. Now in those days the cold water flats had the bathrooms in the hallway and not inside the apartment so you didn’t have to go inside. So I rushed in, threw my school bag on the hallway floor and quickly opened the door. OH THE HORROR!!!!

I was attacked by this giant stinking squawking feathered demon that immediately started pecking at me. And not just at me but my poor seven year old balls. I screamed like a girl and ran around in circles as the fearsome beast attacked and attacked like some delirious mash up of the Three Stooges and Alfred Hitchcock. My uncle came out and started to laugh his ass off. He grabbed the turkey by the neck and threw it in the bathroom. He was laughing so hard he almost pissed himself. Oh and I didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.

Ever since then I have hated turkeys. I never eat it. I scieve it and all it’s works. It nauseates me and I refuse to cook it. It is a big waste anyway. Everyone says they want it and load up their plates. With cranberries sauce and sweet potato and green beans and stuffing and the works. Then they take a couple of bites and push it aside and say to wrap it up and they will eat it later. Meanwhile the carcass of the filthy beast stays in the refrigerator for a week and everyone goes “Yeah leave it I am going to make a sandwich later.” But they never do, they never do.

So this Thanksgiving we are exhausted and have a lot of work to do still. We have to decorate the store on Wednesday and we are having a big Black Friday sale! So we are not going out for Thanksgiving. But the wife invited her mom and dad to stay over our house for the holiday. Now we miss them and haven’t seen them in a while. I don’t mind making a quick sauce and some ravioli’s and stuffed mushrooms and an antipasto and some vegetables. I was even going to make a roast lion of pork. But my mother in law insisted that we had to have a turkey. I resisted. But like the Borg resistance is futile.

I mean I threatened to give her five slices of turkey breast and some cranberry sauce in the shape of a can on a plate but cooler heads prevailed. I ordered a turkey dinner from soup to nuts from one of my clients. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potato, sweet potato, green beans, salad, pumpkin pie the works. So I won’t be making a lot of other stuff, just the ravioli’s. And while they cut up that foul prehistoric beast I will be sulking in the other room.

At least the Giants will be on.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Don't look now but somebody died.

I spent most of the day at a funeral today.

Actually it wasn't most of the day. But we had to be at the funeral home at 9 in the morning for a brief wake. One of the aunts of one of the wife's cousins passed away. Now this is our favorite cousin who is the one who does everything for everybody. I mean she goes to every event and always helps out when people need help. So her fathers sister died. She was a bitch on wheels.

You must have one of those in your family. You know the spinster or widowed aunt or grand aunt who is just a major league pain in the ass. Nothing is ever right for her. Nobody does a holiday celebration or a meal or even talks properly like "the family" did in the whole day. Just generally a querulous nitpicking pain in the balls. But you put up with her because she is an old lady and she is family and what are you gonna do.

Now my cousins family is Greek and I had to sit next to the aunt one year at Greek Easter. You see I was low man on the totem pole that year because I had just started dating my future wife. Now the aunt started out complaining but I diverted like I always do. I started asking her questions about the food and how it was prepared and the customs of Greek Easter (breaking the eggs and all that stuff). So she was as happy as she ever got because she could talk and someone was listening. And paying attention and asking relevant questions. So we sort of got along. Not that she wasn't miserable because she was. But like I said what are you gonna do?

Anyway she is up in the box at the wake and there is an extremely small crowd there. About 12 or so people. The wife and I came to support our cousin. What struck me was that everyone was in the back of the hall talking about this and that. No one was talking about the aunt. I guess everyone figured that the old saw is true "If you don't have something nice to say about someone don't say anything at all." So she was pretty much ignored until it was time to box her up and bring her to the church. Everyone did a quick pass through and drive by prayer at the box and then we went to the church.

It was a Greek Orthodox church since that was the tradition she was born in. Now it always gets me when people are christened, or married, or especially buried at a church where nobody knows who the hell they are. The priest has to ask the family for a few things to say about the deceased. So he asked for some nice things to say. That was a stumper. I know when I get planted the padre will have a whole bunch of things to say, some good, some nots so good. But at least he will have some idea of who the heck I was. (Just a pet peeve of mine).

Some other members of the family showed up at the church for the funeral mass which was very interesting to see the differences in the prayers and the liturgy between the Eastern Greek Orthodox and Roman Catholic Masses. Afterward, they went to the cemetery. Several of us did not go so they came back to my house for lunch.

Proscuitto Balls, Rice Balls and hero sandwichs all around. Even my mother-in-law enjoyed her lunch. And it wasn't turkey. Which is another whole story.

Blogging heads at Loggerheads

You know sometimes when two people fight who you really don't care for you don't have a rooting interest. Even if you think one of them is right. You just can't get into it.

It is sort of like the Iran-Iraq war.

Just sayn'

You smell delightful Miss Moneypenny

"You smell delightful Miss Moneypenny."

"Thank you Commander Bond that is so nice of you to say. But I am afraid not everyone agrees."

"Why whatever do you mean?"

"Some claim that something just doesn't smell right about me."

"Who said that? Oddjob? Don't mind him. His smeller has been off due to his intense study of perfume. I am sure he means nothing by it."

"Thank for that Commander Bond."

"No thanks necessary Moneypenny. I always take people as I see them until they prove otherwise. Isn't that how you would like me to take you?"

"Oooohhhhh JJJaaaammmmeeeesssss!"

Hey it's fried chicken cutlets tonight.

Tonight I am making one of my wife's favorite dishes for dinner.

Fried chicken cutlets dipped in egg and battered in a mixture of fresh breadcrumbs, paprika, salt and pepper. I deep fry them and serve them over a mixed greens salad with red onion, black olives, slices of manchego and a oil and red wine vinaigrette. I cook the cutlets and then slice them while they are still warm and put them over the salad. Served with a nice Shiraz and Pellegrino water. She loves that dish.

Oh I am having Sloppy Joes.

Just so you know our respective spots on the food chain.

Frenchy Fuqua's shoe blog.

Yo waz up man.

What a week man. My Giants came through in OT and just pulled it out. If only the last guy in the gang bang would'da pulled out and we wouldn't ever have to watch Terry Bradshaw again. The Giants pissed away a two TD lead but held on to win like George Fuckin' Halas held on to his first nickel. So they stopped the slide and are going to play on Thanksgiving day. Let's hope they don't turn out to be the turkeys!

My Steeler lost though to the dog ass Chiefs you believe that shit. And Rosterburger got hurt and sprained his vagina or something. Damn that boy is more trouble than he is worth. At least with the old time Steeler quarterbacks we knew how to keep them under control. You just had to give Bradshaw a sheep to fuck and Hanrattey just need a bottle of Irish whiskey and he would sit in the corner till you needed him. Oh and Joe Gilliam would just get some Horse and chill till he had to go out and throw a bunch of touchdowns and shit. But Rustybarfer just ends up raping hotel clerks and getting hurt and causing all kinds of shit. Why can't that boy just calm down for Chistsake!

The Packers beat the 49'ers and you know whats funny I saw the box score and Jerry Rice didn't catch a pass. I mean the Niners ain't gonna win unless Jerry gets a couple of TD"S and all.

The Cowboys beat the Redskins 7 to 6 in a high scoring shoot out for those losers. I like the Cowboys vs the Redskins when the Duke or Clint Eastwood or somebody is shooting a bunch of those yapping redskins. But I guess Roger Staubach pulled another one out of his ass. How about them Cowb0ys!

I have my fingers crossed for next week for my Giants cause they are going to Denver and the Broncos got bitch slapped by the Charges. So John Elway is gonna be pissed. I know maybe I will go on the road trip and pass out some of the stuff that Joe Gilliam has access to and really make it the Mile High City. I just hope my Giants can pull it out. We waits and sees.

Hey what are you talking about!

"Hey some dizzy broad claimed that I was like Mr. Spock. What the Hell?"

I love a good frock Miss Moneypenny

"I love a good frock Miss Moneypenny."
"I am sure you do Comander Bond. And what constitutes a good frock?"
"Well it should be pretty and light and winsome. But a above all a good frock should be one thing."
"And what is that?'
"Tight."
"Ohhhh James."

THE WIRE - 100 Greatest Quotes

Thanks to 1jpb for turning me on to this video.

The Wire, one of the two best TV shows in the past twenty years.
(Along with Deadwood).

Holy Wiener Batman!

Hey I haven't heard from Titus in a long time. I guess he is too busy with his fabulous lifestyle.

I heard he is very happy with his new sausage. Congraulations pal.

Paris is burning, but only when he pees.

"Why of course I can't give you my phone number Mr. Ricpic. I am afraid I am promised to another."
"Who that flute player Paris?"
"No I am afraid his heart belongs to another as well. My man is a space odditity. His name is Martin. But that doesn't mean I can't help you. Here is my friend Molly Picon's number. Give her a call. She is expecting it."

It's all there in black and white

"Hello Trey, how are you."
"Very well Selina. I see you have another costume on?"
"Really whatever do you mean?"
"Why those two devilish little horns you are sporting. They have to be part of a costume."
"Not really Trey, I could just be naturally horny."
"Errrr I guess so Selina."
"Oh I am just teasing you Trey. I have a little devil in me. I really like it. Would you like to be my little devil Trey?"
"Hamana hamana hamana uuurrrpppphhhhh!!!!!"

Don't sweat it, she might go up to be a English Professor. Hee.

We had a very busy morning and I go out of the store to get myself a cup of coffee and the wife cappuccino. I go across the street to the bakery where I usually go and there is like twenty hipster dofus shitheads buying one cannoli and a cup of coffee. So I turn right to go to the Fancy Pants cafe on the next block.

So I have to walk past Carroll Park and as I do I see this family turn the corner and walk alongside me. I say hello because I recognize them from church. The husband always has to chase his hyperactive little daughter who is about five as she would run up the middle aisle during mass. He is one of several fathers who do this. Now in the old days the priest would freak out when kids would cry or act out in church. But Father Cashmen said "Hey let them run up to the alter, they are just curious, there is no reason for them to be afraid or punished. They just want to get closer to the baby Jesus." So we have all these kids who run up the aisle trailed by their dads who shepard them back to the back of the church where all the strollers are lined up like all the abandoned B-17's at end of "The Best Years of Our Lives." And you know this might be the best years of that kids life when she could go to church with Mom and Dad and her grandparents and her friends and neighbors.

Anyway the wife is pushing one of these mega strollers with their two year old in and the five year old is riding the back like Sarah Palin in the Iditarod. She is holding on for dear life and singing at the top of her lungs. And what is she singing so enthusiastically? Twinkle, twinkle little star? Along came a spider? Well no.

She was screaming out "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

Now her Mom and Dad and I all had to laugh. She didn't know what the song was about because she was a true innocent. But I think if she decided to kiss a girl and like it her parents wouldn't freak out and lose it. She might just be curious. Or it might be who she really is. We never know what the future might hold. But I am sure that she will know that she is loved. And that's what counts after all.

It was just pretty funny.

Okay, Okay I'll do it.

"All right Minka enough already. I will do my Stevie Wonder impression."
"No new years's day
to celebrate
no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
no first of spring
no song to sing
in fact here's just another ordinary day
No April rain
no flowers bloom
no wedding saturday within the month of June
But what it is
Is something true
Made up of these 3 words that I must say to you

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart"

Paula Deen's Southern Fried Chicken Recipe

Hey Southern Fried Chicken seem real popular in our poll so here is a recipe from my favorite Southern cook Paula Deen from the Food Network Website:

House Seasoning:
1 cup salt
1/4 cup black pepper
1/4 cup garlic powder

Southern Fried Chicken:
4 eggs
1/3 cup water
1 cup hot red pepper sauce
2 cups self-rising flour
1 teaspoon pepper

House Seasoning

2 1/2-pound chicken, cut into pieces
Oil, for frying, preferably peanut oil


To make the House Seasoning, mix ingredients together and store in an airtight container for up to 6 months.


In a medium size bowl, beat the eggs with the water. Add enough hot sauce so the egg mixture is bright orange. In another bowl, combine the flour and pepper. Season the chicken with the House Seasoning. Dip the seasoned chicken in the egg, and then coat well in the flour mixture.

Heat the oil to 350 degrees F in a deep pot. Do not fill the pot more than 1/2 full with oil.


Fry the chicken in the oil until brown and crisp. Dark meat takes longer than white meat. It should take dark meat about 13 to 14 minutes, white meat around 8 to 10 minutes.

Thank you Michael H

Thanks for all the free content!!!!!

Unlike other people who will rename nameless, I really, really appreciate the time and effort you put into your comments. I know the people who read it will too!

Remember gentle readers, start at the beginning which is further down the blog. Read it in sequence.

It is a real tour de force! Which unlike the Tour de France and Lance Armstrong he still has both his balls. At least I think he does.

Remember. You sort of have to go from back to front.

So to speak.

The Penis Monologues (A Shortened Story) by Michael H

Quite a few years have passed since the old man sent that letter. I’ve kept it in my safe and still read it every few years.

I met that svelte blond woman in the late 70s and we married in the early 80s. No one calls her The Missus; that’s just a name we made up one night when I was laughing so hard from the nitrous that she couldn’t get the key into the handcuffs. It’s surprising the things a man’ll do when he’s wearing a mask.

Life has been good. The timber business in Thailand turned was a long shot that paid off better than we ever dreamt it could. We did get stuck with that ranch in the Australian outback after the owner disappeared, but when we hit on the idea of making cheesy sheepskin boots to sell to female mall rats and model wannabes, that deal also turned golden. As did everything else.

We’re starting to age a bit. And we’re getting more introspective about our role on earth and our legacy.

A few months back, after she turned off the camera and sent the crew from National Geographic out of the hot tub room, she asked “Honey, do you ever think about donating part of big Richard there to ol’ LBJ?’

Well, I had been giving it some thought, to tell the truth. I told her so, and we talked about how we could do it for the old man, not to mention that awaiting pile of Texas sized American money that had grown into something that might make a billionaire wishful.

The thing was, we needed to keep it private. A donation like that just can’t be talked about, ever. It’s too personal.

So we planned and planned and planned. The easiest story would be one that is nearly true. Say, for example, that it was about a kidney. Yeah, that’s it, a kidney. That’s believable, and in the same general neighborhood.

So we called it kidney cancer. Heh heh. And we made all the secret arrangements to have surgery for a “Mr. Long.” Heh heh. It all went well, perfectly, in fact, until that chump posted the damn photo of old LBJ showing off his scar. So of course he’s expecting that I’ll post a picture showing my scar.

I can’t do it. The feds would be at the door before I can click the “off” bu.tton.

So as a last resort, I have to tell my sorry story. The sad truth about LBJ making me have penis reduction surgery.

Ah well, it was the least I could do for our country. Call it the mega-briss. Call it the 20% commission off the top. Call it Shirley.

The plumbing’s fine. There’s some pain and there will be for quite a while to come. There seem to be no long term negatives. I can still write my name in the snow, but the font size is now smaller.

That’s my story.

Hey whose that guy?

"Hello how are you? My names Ruth what's yours?"
"I noticed you visited Judy and Goldie in their trailers for quite a few hours. You looked you were having fun."
"I don't have a trailer."
"I have to get changed in the Ladies Room. Would you like to come with me to the Ladies Room?"
"Yes I didn't think so."
"I am so sad. I think I will dye my hair and go to law school."

The Penis Monologues (A Shortened Story) by Michael H

I returned to Viet Nam 28 days later. I must have been lucky because I got re-assigned to a supply platoon in-country, then I spent the next six years as an officer in the Quartermaster Corps. Quartermaster officers do a lot of hard work – we’re the ones who get the beans and bullets to where they need to be – but we seldom face hostile fire, unless it’s over a bad poker game at the Officers Club.

Luci was married that next summer to a guy named Patrick Nugent. She was only nineteen, but girls got married at an earlier age back then. Plus, she needed to get out of her Daddy’s house.

LBJ withdrew from the 1968 presidential race. It didn’t look like he could win, the Viet Nam war was going bad and his popular support was all but non-existent. He and Lady Bird moved back to Texas where he resumed smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey. He died in ’73 after his third heart attack.

I never did hear much from Luci again, although she sent me an invitation to her wedding. I was back in Nam that summer, so I sent my regrets. I was probably not the kind of guest that she’d actually want to show up at the wedding anyhow.

The old man sent me a brief letter in 1970, much to my surprise. It was introspective and he rambled some. It was personal, but given the present circumstances I can share parts of it with you. I can still hear is voice as it read it now.

Dear Hoss,

How the hell are you? I did my damndest to get that bastard McNamara to keep your sorry ass out of harms way as the war got uglier while I was figuring out how to get you boys home. He told me he had you in charge of cots and bandages. That prick better not be lying to me or I’ll kill him when I see him in the hereafter. McNamara’s a Mormon, you know and I don’t trust those people one damn bit.

I been meaning to mention this to you for some time but didn’t know how to start. Since I don’t have much time life on earth I figure I better do it now.

When you and my Luci were in the WH basement that one time, I couldn’t help notice the size of your dick. A thing like that gets a man jealous. Now before you go thinking the wrong things, I want to tell you that Lady Bird and I have been happily married for 43 years now, and there ain’t been one time when I so much as thought about anyone else.

But truth is, I wished that I had a dick that big. It won’t do me any good now, hell, it’s like trying to push a rope up a tunnel the way things are, and it ain’t going to get any better. Cain’t do nothing about it.

There is one thing that I would like, though. I’d like to take a dick like yours to the eternal hereafter with me, just in case, you know. Just in case.

I expect that you’ll outlive me by a fair amount of years. I truly hope that you do. If there ever comes a time in your life, however, when you think you might need….um….a bit less in the front pocket and a bit more in the wallet, I’ve set up a trust. That trust will pay you a Texas-sized lump of good American money if you’ll send part of what was yours down to the Johnson Library where I’ll be buried. I’ll leave instructions as to opening my casket, etc., if your donation ever shows up.

Now you take care, jeep, and I’ll be looking for you the other side,

[Other personal comments redacted]

Sincerely,

Lyndon


TO BE CONTINUED