I Quit!

One of the more astounding resignations in American History was that of Vice President John C. Calhoun during the administration of Andrew Jackson. Most historians postulate that it was due to the “Nullification” Crisis in which Calhoun’s home state of South Carolina wanted passed the Ordinance of Nullification which attempted to abrogate the Tariff of 1828. They state that Calhoun resigned so he could run for the Senate and so would be able to defend nullification. But that was not what really happened.

President Andrew Jackson’s cabinet had long been rife with divisions and rivalries. Calhoun’s wife Floride caused a great deal of problems for husband because of her actions in the Eaton Affair where she led the ladies of Washington in snubbing Peggy Eaton the new wife of the Secretary of War. This caused a permanent rift with President Jackson who remembered the execrable treatment of his beloved wife Rachel by the same prudish and judgmental members of high society. Strangely enough it also led to a rift between Calhoun and his wife since he did not countenance anything that interfered with his pursuit of power.

So the Vice President began a clandestine affair with a then young New York Journalist named Barbara Walters. Miss Walters was a pioneer in many fields. In journalism she was the first women to get a weekly column in the New York Post. She also initiated the practice of deep throating a penis to the point that her prehensile tonsils could grip the tip and milk the engorged secessionist as if she was a dairy maid squeezing Bossy’s teat. She took it in so far and so fast that she permanently damaged her vocal cords and forever after spoke with a lisp.

Calhoun was enraptured and threw caution to the winds. But their affair was doomed from the start. You see he was not aware that Miss Walters was a Jewess and that knowledge forced the racist Calhoun to end the affair. He was devastated and had to get out of Washington to recover his wits at his plantation where he could abuse slave girls at his leisure and drink mint juleps while plotting treason. Miss Walters returned to New York to continue her long career in both journalism and fellatio.
(I Quit, the History of Resignations in American History by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pocket Books 2007)